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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bullied at sch by DB GF and she is still the same. Do I tell ?

352 replies

Highfivemum · 12/09/2019 14:04

Here goes.
My brother who is in his late 30’s and a great man has recently introduced me to his girlfriend,he has confided in me he intends on proposing to her on her birthday in October. My brother and I are very close due to family circumastances. He is a widow having lost his first wife 3 years ago. This is his first girlfriend since and they have been dating for 4 months. They met abroad as they were both working, hence this was the first time I met her. I thought she looked a tad familiar when I said hello and i racked my brains as to why I thought she looked vaguely familiar. She seemed fine. Polite and I was happy that my DB seemed happy after years of sadness. While saying good bye I suddenly got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. She was a girl who bullied me for 18 months at school. She literally made my life hell. I moved schools and had not seen her since she was about 15. Our school had a huge catchment area and she lived on the other side of where we did so never saw her again. The awful feelings I got resurfaced. I mentioned it to my DH and we both agreed as she seem really nice and pleasant not to rock the boat as it was a long time ago. Last night we met up again. During our conversation my brother mentioned schools. He is 8 years younger than me so didn’t go to the school she did and had no Idea about us. She has told him she went to a totally different school. He then said we were the same age so would have been in the same school year. I just said yes and left it there. I went to the toilet and as I was leaving she was stood there she said to me. She knew I knew who she was from the past and I would i not to say anything as she loved him. I was about to say it’s in the past and let’s leave it there. But she then said if you do say something you will regret it !!!! I will move home away and cut you out of his life. !! I was mortified. I felt shaky all like I did as a kid again. Don’t know how I kept my composure to go back to my DH. She came out all smiles cuddling my brother.
Do I tell him. I love my DB so much and I can’t bear him to be hurt but I worry she will pull him away and I will lose him.

OP posts:
Motoko · 13/09/2019 11:33

Adding to the chorus here! Huge well done!

He would have been so unhappy if he'd married her, she would have been so abusive to him, and would have tried her hardest to separate him from you.

I'm sure he will find a good woman in time.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 11:46

What a shame the OP's DB was collateral but I'm so glad he's got her back.

Indeed however the OP should take comfort in the fact that this did actually happen before they were engaged/married/had kids and he's seen who she is before any of that happened.

BlankTimes · 13/09/2019 11:51

Well done to all of your lovely family for the way you've all supported and will continue to support each other. Hold your heads high and be sure you will now have a much better future without her in it. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/09/2019 12:02

Your brother sounds ace. I hope he finds someone, who is deserving of him.

keepingbees · 13/09/2019 12:15

Your brother sounds amazing. He was rushing into things with her, which is understandable if she was his first bit of happiness in years. But the truth is he didn't really know her and he was in love with who he thought she was, not who she is. You saved him a lot of heartache down the line I'm sure.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 13/09/2019 15:41

Just a quick update for anyone still following.
My DB came over after he finished work. He had switch his phone to silent at work and checked when he finished. Lots of missed calls and texts. Mainly just call me and need to speak. They had been due to go for a weekend away next month ( when he had planned to pop the question ) so she mentioned that too. He is hurting a lot and also angry with himself for being sucked in and the fact he has upset me. Obviously I have put him straight on that. He also wanted to know the full extent of her bullying which I told him honesty. And I shed a few tears too. He was shocked as he hadn’t seen that side of her. While he was with us she called again and he answered. My DH and I left the room while he spoke to her. Apperently he told her not to bother him anymore or to message me. Not going into too much detail but she proceeded to then throw abuse at him. He is a calm person and didn’t take the bait and she hung up. I am hoping that’s it now. 🤞🤞
Thank you again everyone. I am blessed to have my lovely family in my life and have appreciated all ur hand holding and comments. 💐

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 15:50

That's good news. Thanks for the update. The whole episode is a tribute to your family, your trust in each other and your love. Your DB has been spared a disastrous second marriage but a man like that will find someone lovely eventually.

Glad the support was helpful.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 13/09/2019 15:50

Your brother sounds lovely and I hope he meets someone deserving of his affections.

Wishing you the best as well OP, hope you have a smooth pregnancy

burblish · 13/09/2019 15:51

Wow, so she showed him her true colours on that last call - hopefully no coming back from that. You absolutely did the right thing and, however much he is hurting, it sounds as though your brother will also be thanking you for letting him know what she is.

PlinkPlink · 13/09/2019 15:59

What prawn said ^^

This is such a lovely testament to how strong your family and what lovely people you are supporting each other.

justthecat · 13/09/2019 16:02

Does he know he’s got a mumsnet fan club?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 13/09/2019 16:13

It was really only a matter of time before the abuse started towards him when he took your side. He gave her enough rope didn't he? Poor guy though. And poor you op of course

Windydaysuponus · 13/09/2019 16:22

Your db sounds great. And the strength of your relationship will get both of you through this.
Your dh is a star for coming home or support you also!.
The future is bright for all of you with a new baby on the way!

BumbleBeee69 · 13/09/2019 16:40

OP love respect and the best of wishes to your Brother.. I hope gets through this.. please ask him NOT to let her over the door again, regardless of how much a fuss she creates.. tell him to hit 999/101. Flowers

combatbarbie · 13/09/2019 16:42

It wont be the end, she is now in full bunny boiler mode so despite my earlier advice I'd now block and tell DB to do the same x

HollowTalk · 13/09/2019 16:44

Hang on, they've been together four months and he planned to propose to her? Didn't you advise him against this, regardless of who she was? He should be very wary of entering a legal agreement with someone he barely knows, especially when he has children.

ElizabethMountbatten · 13/09/2019 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

GreenTulips · 13/09/2019 16:51

Catch up

Lockshunkugel · 13/09/2019 16:55

I’m wondering if this woman is my husband’s ex as she’s a very similar mix of anger and manipulation. People like this are usually deeply insecure and unhappy. Your brother has had such a lucky escape because she would have been a complete nightmare to be married to.

TheGirlWithTheFeatherTat · 13/09/2019 16:59

Your brother and husband sound amazing. I'm so proud of you 💕

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 13/09/2019 17:13

Sounds like he had a taste of her meanness when she called. I’m all for second chances but it didn’t sound as if she has changed all that much. He has dodged the bullet there but he did seem to jump quickly to the marriage option didn’t he?

Grumpelstilskin · 13/09/2019 17:17

You often hear of people who were bullies in their childhood or teens who later come to reflect on their actions and deeply regret their behaviour. Hence, I would not automatically dismiss someone based on their conduct, especially if their might have been some extenuating circumstances. However, in the case of your DB’s now ex Gf, it seems she hasn’t actually changed, this is her default character. If anything, in the long run you have done your DB a massive favour. She sounds like someone that puts on a performance for people, possibly love-bombs them, given the fast pace of their relationship and would have probably only dropped the mask once married or much later into their relationship. She bullied again, threatened, harassed, lied and minimised her actions. This was a close call and ultimately lucky escape for all of you.

Densol999 · 13/09/2019 17:23

Thank you for the update ! Your bro sounds amazing :) he will EASILY meet a good kind lovely lady that deserves him xx

GreenTulips · 13/09/2019 17:25

You often hear of people who were bullies in their childhood or teens who later come to reflect on their actions and deeply regret their behaviour

You hear of far more who never change their spots

cakeandchampagne · 13/09/2019 17:34

It is good he got a sample of her meanness. I hope that is the last you hear of her.