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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bullied at sch by DB GF and she is still the same. Do I tell ?

352 replies

Highfivemum · 12/09/2019 14:04

Here goes.
My brother who is in his late 30’s and a great man has recently introduced me to his girlfriend,he has confided in me he intends on proposing to her on her birthday in October. My brother and I are very close due to family circumastances. He is a widow having lost his first wife 3 years ago. This is his first girlfriend since and they have been dating for 4 months. They met abroad as they were both working, hence this was the first time I met her. I thought she looked a tad familiar when I said hello and i racked my brains as to why I thought she looked vaguely familiar. She seemed fine. Polite and I was happy that my DB seemed happy after years of sadness. While saying good bye I suddenly got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. She was a girl who bullied me for 18 months at school. She literally made my life hell. I moved schools and had not seen her since she was about 15. Our school had a huge catchment area and she lived on the other side of where we did so never saw her again. The awful feelings I got resurfaced. I mentioned it to my DH and we both agreed as she seem really nice and pleasant not to rock the boat as it was a long time ago. Last night we met up again. During our conversation my brother mentioned schools. He is 8 years younger than me so didn’t go to the school she did and had no Idea about us. She has told him she went to a totally different school. He then said we were the same age so would have been in the same school year. I just said yes and left it there. I went to the toilet and as I was leaving she was stood there she said to me. She knew I knew who she was from the past and I would i not to say anything as she loved him. I was about to say it’s in the past and let’s leave it there. But she then said if you do say something you will regret it !!!! I will move home away and cut you out of his life. !! I was mortified. I felt shaky all like I did as a kid again. Don’t know how I kept my composure to go back to my DH. She came out all smiles cuddling my brother.
Do I tell him. I love my DB so much and I can’t bear him to be hurt but I worry she will pull him away and I will lose him.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 13/09/2019 08:32

Oh OP poor you - I hope you get some sleep tonight. What a ghastly situation. Any lies your db tells you she has spun, make sure that you point them out, even the little ones. Painful as it is, he needs to hear it because he was on the point of proposing (after 4 months! Shock) and so will have a lot of residual feelings for her. Seriously dont want her worming her way back in.

I know that the advice is often to block but I always wonder about that - if she is now bombarding you with vile messages, they are further evidence of her true nature and would be useful to show your bro who she truly is. I am a dunce when it comes to tech but someone else will be able to advise - can you redirect her messages to a special file where you don't have to be constantly bothered by them? Then you will have them ready and when your brother says “oh she has apologised and I am thinking of giving her another chance” you can say “here are the 10 threatening messages she sent to me just yesterday - are you sure?”

Babysharkisanearworm · 13/09/2019 08:34

My mate started dating the school bully that made my life hell for five years. I warned him but he was besotted and begged me to be nice to her. I was civil. She fell pregnant and they got married. One week after, she admitted the child was not his. He was broken. Eventually he moved away because he needed a new start and was mortified he had not listened to anyone that warned him (I was not the only one). I later found she moved with him. She died a few years ago and I could feel was happiness that someone so duplicitous was no longer able to manipulate people around her.
I am so pleased your men are standing by you. Your brother is an honourable man.

MrMeSeeks · 13/09/2019 08:39

Your brother sounds wonderful op. He doesn't need someone like this in his life.
Sounds like nothing has really changed, she’s used to bullying to get what she wants Hmm

Member984815 · 13/09/2019 08:41

I'd tell him but be prepared for the fallout , he may stay with her and she will try to make your life rough but he will recognize that eventually ,hopefully.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 13/09/2019 08:42

“oh she has apologised and I am thinking of giving her another chance” you can say “here are the 10 threatening messages she sent to me just yesterday - are you sure?”

Yes, I'd be inclined not to block her but to keep any messages from her as further evidence.

Chocrock · 13/09/2019 08:52

How awful for you and your poor brother. You absolutely did the right thing in telling him even if it makes him unhappy for while. I hope she gets the message and leaves you both alone soon.

BazzleJet · 13/09/2019 09:00

I too was bullied at school and it has coloured my whole life. I understand the freezing and the feeling of being sick to the stomach you felt when she confronted you. She could so easily have apologised for the past but it does seem she hasn't changed. I'm glad your brother has been so strong, he very obviously deserves a much better person than her. Good luck to both of you. And a gold star to your DH for coming back from his business trip to make sure you're ok 👏

northernmonkey1010 · 13/09/2019 09:12

Awaiting update

Marnie76 · 13/09/2019 09:26

This is someone’s life northernmonkey, not entertainment for you FFS!

BloggersBlog · 13/09/2019 09:27

It has only been 2.5hrs since the last update!!

JollyRocker · 13/09/2019 09:37

Well done OP! He sounds like he deserves much much better than her. You absolutely did the right thing. Well done to you, your DB and your DH. All absolute legends.

Keep messages from her to show him (try not to block her even if it makes you feel bad for a while - this could be the difference between her worming her way back into his life).

If she dares swing by, I’d have my phone ready to covertly record anything she says to you.

Also I’m really very sorry to hear about the bullying. That sounds like it must have been an utterly horrible time in your life. If only she had come up to you to genuinely apologise for those 18 months. Things could have been so different for her now. What a shame that she hasn’t changed and karma bit her where the good lord split her!!

Good luck with your pregnancy! Take good care of yourself although it also sounds like you have a wonderful DH and DB to take care of you as well xx

PleasedToSeeYou · 13/09/2019 09:38

I think you did the only thing you could OP, she has only just come into your life and is already causing trouble

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/09/2019 09:48

He needs to know, if you haven't already told him, that she has threatened to persuade him to move away and then alienate him from his family. This in relation to a widower, who has been bereaved, who might more than usually need a supportive family network. And for whose own mind and own decisions, apparently, she has little respect.

Her true colours are those of an abusive personality and a control freak. Alienation from those closest to them is one of the more immediate signs. I'm not really sure how threatening and bullying your DP's sister fits in with this, but I'm sure it meets a fairly extreme form of that definition.

Shows exactly how much she loves him.

TeddTess · 13/09/2019 09:48

It's so refreshing to hear about such decent strong men here on mn!
Well done to your amazing db, and dh. Hold them tight.

ImNotYourGranny · 13/09/2019 09:53

You brother is pretty impressive. Mine would have told me to fuck off and carried on dating her. That's why I don't see him any more.

Marylou2 · 13/09/2019 10:10

Huge hug to you OP. My blood was boiling reading your story. You have been so brave and your brother has responded so well. I was horribly bullied at school and didn't tell anyone at the time. I had a dreadful wobble aged 40 when my mum who was still unaware of the situation told me that a classmate of mine was the headteacher at a school nearby. Yes, it was the bully! Reading your post makes me feel better that someone else has got some form of redress!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/09/2019 10:10

I don;t know how to say this to a stranger without sounding daft but I will say it anyway...OP I am so bloody proud of you of your brother and of your dh....I hope you are ok and I have a feeling you will all move on successfully with your lives after this...Well done you for speaking out,it took courage and strength.Its not always easy to do the right thing but your love for your brother and your willingness to stand alone if push came to shove in order to protect him speaks volumes of the kind of person you are...I wish you all nothing but happiness and peace going forward.

CucinaBreakfast · 13/09/2019 10:58

What a story op, you should feel so lucky to have such a strong bond with your brother, you're both taking care of each other. I'm so sorry you were bullied and can understand the feeling of freezing when you're in that situation even as an adult. Really hope your db stays strong, and you continue to all be there bbit each other 💐💐

CucinaBreakfast · 13/09/2019 10:58

*for each other

Original poster
Highfivemum · 13/09/2019 11:16

Thank you all so much for all ur lovely words of support. 💐💐
I am keeping her blocked as to be honest I just want to try and put her out of my mind.
I have not heard from my DB today as he can’t usualy text while working. I will see him later.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/09/2019 11:21

You need to tell him because it sounds like she has not changed and will end up bullying him and any future children potentially.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 11:23

I hope you're feeling a bit better today, and that your DB is OK.

It sounds like you're all a pretty good support network for each other (your DH included too).

And hope all goes well with baby #6! Flowers

combatbarbie · 13/09/2019 11:24

Oh I'd be unblocking just for the squirm factor.....and if she does threaten you, you have proof

Deathraystare · 13/09/2019 11:25

So glad your Brother saw through her shit. I thought that would be the outcome because surely he knew what had happened at school. The fact you had to change schools it was obviously serious. Well done that man. He deserves to meet a real lovely girl that all his family will love and not have to be looking over their shoulder in case she stalks them!

Branleuse · 13/09/2019 11:31

your brother sounds like a sweetheart. There are no winners here, and the stupid thing for her is that if she had shown proper remorse, you might have had some closure over it all, but as it stands, she decided to tell you clearly that she hadnt changed one bit