AIBU to be seriously annoyed with DH's parents?

[SunshineAngel]

DH has custody of his 16yo son, and the mother has access at weekends and half of the holidays. They alternate Christmases (and the other gets New Year).

This year, it's our year for Christmas, which we were looking forward to.

DH's mum has decided that herself and her partner are going away for NY this year, on a cruise. Apparently, my partner's son asked them could he go with them (he has no concept of money etc, but then again what 16yo does?) to which they said yes.

We only even got informed about this as soon as we did because they need to pay the balance, and they have asked us for £1,000 for his ticket for the week long cruise before the end of this month, and have asked us to also supply £200 spending money for him at the time.

We are not well off. They know we have £10,000 between us in savings, however the whole house desperately needs to be decorated, including a new bathroom and garden, and I don't want to spend ALL of our savings anyway. £1,200 is a huge amount out of that, yet they have worked it out among themselves that yes, he can go, and yes, we will pay. I am able to save a small amount from my wage each month, but my partner's wage is taken up by his outgoings. He had to pay DS's mother the equivalent of half of the house when they split, and has a huge mortgage as a result, and took a new job with a pay cut last year (much happier, but not as well off) so it's even more of a struggle.

The other issue that my partner raised immediately is that DS's mum should have him for New Year, and there's no way she would be happy when she found out about the holiday, as she's often difficult anyway, and would be well within her right to be with this. They responded saying they had already spoken to her and arranged for DS to spend Christmas with her as a compromise.

So not only are they asking us for a huge amount of money, but they have also decided that my partner actually doesn't get to see his own son for the whole of the Christmas holiday, when he should have been with us. Christmas is a very important time IMO, and I don't understand why they think they can take this away from us.

Just to add insult to injury, I received £3,000 in inheritance recently, and DH's mum has suggested that I can perhaps use that. I don't mean to sound selfish - and I happily give him money here and there if he wants to go to the cinema or out for some food or something - but I'm annoyed enough at the whole situation, and feel that it is even more out of order to suggest that MY inheritance should be used to pay for it. I never EVER pull this card, it's not something I dwell on whatsoever, but I am of the mindset that he's not my son, so how DARE they ask me for such a huge amount, or expect that I should just hand it over without question.

I think it's a shocking amount of money for a week's holiday anyway, but it's not an issue to them.

I just find the whole thing hugely irritating, not to mention worrying. Yes, I've been given this money, but I was planning on paying one of my credit cards off, which would really lighten my load if I could! It's not like I'm rolling in it. I have debts, which I am doing really well with, but I want them to be gone ASAP.

But now we're in the situation of having to try and get this money together (it will leave us short for what we need to do on the house - which DS will benefit from much more than a week's cruise, IMO) before the end of the month. Before I moved in, my partner had struggled with depression and had a difficult relationship with his ex, and as such things really slipped with the house, for years. I've helped him get himself back up on his feet, we're doing really well, and now we're creating a house that's truly ours, together.

I feel DH's mum should have ASKED us first, before telling him he could go with them.. as he's already really excited, and we would feel incredibly bad if it turned out he couldn't go, because of us.

We CAN do it, but AIBU to think that we really shouldn't have to?

It might also explain the GPs buying things and charging them back to DH - if he's the one getting child benefit / CMS, but they're the ones (historically?) buying what DS needs.

I have 2 ds with 2 dads. We always follow the same format- if something comes up that costs money, we say ‘I need to speak to dad/mum first’, we discuss as adults and either say fab I’ll go halves with you, or I’m really sorry I can not afford that right now. The one parent will pay it all if they can, or the ds does not do it. Simple as that. What money each of us have in wages, savings etc (I have zero!) is no business to the other. We will and have learnt if the one is struggling like starting a new job and going 7 weeks between pay days, or if a car has to been MOT and it cost a lot, we still all support each other and help each other out because at the end of the day the dc still benefit from that. But I know we are unusual in our relationship, however we would still never cross the line of assuming the other pays for something nor would we ever take away Christmas! We always have 1/2 the day each- always have, always will. I’m really annoyed for you OP! No don’t pay for it.

Sorry this is outrageous.

I would 100% be telling his GPs he couldn't go, not only as you can't afford it but also because he is spending Christmas with his dad this year.

Why on earth would you even consider showing them this thread?!! You just tell them NO. And tell you DH that he needs to stand up to his parents and say NO to the cruise and also NO to having money demanded when they buy DSS clothes or whatever. They can't just go out and buy stuff and then demand money for it!

I agree with a previous poster - spend the £1,200 to get DH some counselling so he can stand up for himself to these bullies.

Hey everyone :).

Thank you again for all the replies. I think a lot of people are still commenting not realising we'd made our minds up about what to do, but I still really appreciate that.

We agreed we would tell them.. but he wasn't QUITE brave enough to do that, so he's sent them a text haha.

It just basically said he's not going unless they'll pay or he can pay himself (he won't be able to, obviously) as we weren't consulted, and he wants the plans for Christmas to go back to normal, as it's not fair that he misses out. It's up to DS's mum if she lets him miss time with her, but it's not being swapped so we suffer instead.

Now, we wait. I will admit I'm really worried about the response.

Although on the PLUS side, I have a feeling I'll be winning the battle as to where to spend Christmas Day this year, as I can't see him wanting to spend all day with his family!

Oops, sorry OP, I didn't RTFT, too busy multi-tasking.

So glad the message has been sent. The GPs are barking and need to reconsider how they go about such things.

@LannieDuck I think there's a lot of truth in that. When my partner was seriously unwell with depression I think there was a period of a few months where they did help a lot, and probably did buy him things he needed - but he was a baby then. He can now communicate to us when he needs things, and we get them for him. So yes they might have helped in the past, but that was a long time ago and a lot has changed since then - not to mention I'm totally on the ball with what he needs, including all college things etc. That in itself is going to have to be another discussion I think, which definitely needs to be had.

I think they get him things that he mentions he wants.. but not necessarily "needs". Whereas if he mentioned those things in this house, he would sometimes get them, but at other times he would be told to wait for his birthday or Christmas etc. I know it's normal for GPs to spoil their grandkids, but I just wish they would without us getting the bill.

But it's all going to change, I feel like this has given my partner the kick up the backside he needed. FWIW I have been telling them to sod off for ages, but I think the first time you REALLY fight back to your parents is always difficult.

Well done OP! The worst they can do in reply is throw a hissy fit, and you don't have to respond to it. You control their access to your son, so you hold all the cards.

Well done.

To be honest, in this case written communication seems perfectly reasonable. Less opportunity for them to go in about it. And they can’t MAKE you pay!

@LannieDuck Sorry, that should have said telling HIM to tell them to sod off.

Just to add, don't, whatever you do, mention MN or show them the thread! You and your DH absolutely don't have to explain or justify or marshall support for your decision, your life choices, your financial situation or decisions.

You can and should live your lives without allowing the scrutiny or seeking the approval of his parents. Moreover, you don't have any obligation to listen to them or spend time with them.

Look, your DH got drawn into revealing your private financial details to them in a completely unnecessary effort to justify not taking a course of action that they were pushing at him: move to live nearer. Neither of you had any wish or intention ever to do that in the first place!

Can you see - can you help him to see - that those very conversations handed his parents the ammunition for this current assault on your family life, privacy and peace of mind?

Every time he engages with their demands and responds to their pressure, he is inviting them deeper into territory they have no right to occupy but are busily building all over without planning permission.

Only he can evict them. If he can't or doesn't, there are four if you in your marriage and only you know how you will cope with that.

If that doesn't help him find his spine, I don't know what will. Perhaps the realisation that the boundary breaching is already impacting on his son's life? You could ask him whether he could look ahead and see himself interfering like this in his DS's marriage and finances and parenting in ten or twenty years time.

Am glad you have told them you’re not prepared to pay. However, I don’t agree re Christmas.

He’s sixteen. He’s getting old enough to make his own decisions about where he wants to spend Christmas/new year, and clearly he wanted to spend new year with his grandparents. If they stump up the cash and pay for him I don’t think it’s fair to demand of him that he still spend Christmas with you if he actually wants to spend it with his mum. They were unreasonable to demand the money and spending money, and they were unreasonable to tell his mum that she can have Christmas given that they hadn’t discussed that with you, but if he actually wants to spend new year with them and Christmas with his mum then he’s old enough to be able to make that decision for himself.

*folliwing 😏

Agree with many of the posters on here.
You and your DH are being taken advantage off and it needs to stop.
Sorry but it does sound like your DH parents may be used to calling the shots and making claims, so it may not be as smooth a conversation as you want, in fact there will probable alot of shouting and bad feeling, but rest assured you are not at fault.
They need to learn a few things, 1) they should run all big decisons by you, holidays and time being just two. No way should they be making such promises without you and your DH confirming its ok 2) if they want to buy them gifts then they can stump up the cash, they do not get to for you to repay them. 3) Any decision about your DH son rests with him, I can only assume he is a good father and he doesnt need to be made guilty by those with an ulterior motive.
Stay strong - it will only be better for you both in the long run

Someone suggested you read the book Toxic Inlaws OP and I couldn’t agree more. They’re profoundly dysfunctional and when this issue fades away there will be others. You need to protect yourselves and get some healthy boundaries in place ASAP. They won like it but you have to bite the bullet and just do it.

You sound lovely but there’s no shame is toughening up to make sure all influences on your family are positive ones.

I'd say no. If the GP & the exW can arrange all this between them, they can pay for it, or he doesn't go.

it's normal for GPs to spoil their grandkids, but I just wish they would without us getting the bill

You see that makes no sense
They aren’t spoiling him
You’re footing the bill and they get the thanks - they set up your DH

Definitely do not show them this thread.
You are both adults. You do not need to prove your point by showing them a bunch of opinions from randomer's on MN.

They have been told it's not happening. That's it.

That they would tell you what you should do with an inheritance, is astonishing.

However, paying off your credit card debt is a wise call👍

I know there are a lot of posts but could you say if you do go on holiday with your DSS at other times?

I just find it odd that he would voluntarily want to go away with GPS and as a result miss out on Christmas with his DF.

I think asking your DH, if would he behave like this to his son, when he's an adult, with his own family, is a good idea. Most of us wouldn't dream of telling our adult children what to do with their lives and finances. We can only offer our opinions, and advice, but it's up to them whether they agree with it, or not.

Also, I bet his parents didn't allow their own parents to tell them what they must do, once they were adults.

I also think it's a good idea that you both read those Susan Forward books, and perhaps for your husband to have some counselling, to help him learn to apply boundaries. He's been trained by them, all through his formative years, so this has become his norm, and he wasn't aware that this level of control by his parents, was unhealthy, and wrong, so he will need help to change his mindset.

Don't let him backtrack when they throw a tantrum. He is completely in the right in saying no, so he needs to stand his ground.

Good luck.

@NoCauseRebel I know what you're saying, and it's not that he wants to spend NY with his grandparents per se, it's that he wants to go on this cruise, as it's going to NY, where he's always wanted to go. It's also not that he wants to spend Christmas with his mum instead of with us - it's just the fact that there's no way his mum would have agreed to him going on this holiday if she didn't get to see him over Christmas, so he compromised in the only he could think of - hurting us in the process. If anything, he prefers being here than his mum's, as she has other kids which he finds awkward, but it's just that it was the only way to get her to agree.

It's interesting that you say at 16 he's old enough to decide where he wants to spend his time. Firstly, legally, he isn't, as there's a court order in place until he's 18. Within reason however, he can make swaps and changes himself, so long as both parents agree (as obviously we need to know where he is to make sure he's safe, as we live quite a distance away). BUT the issue is not where he's choosing to be or who he wants to be with anyway, it's that the whole arrangement was made behind our back, and we now won't see him for the whole of the Christmas holiday. Surely, as a parent, you understand how difficult it would be to be without your child at this time of year, and it's the WHOLE holiday.

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For anyone who's still interested. We sent that text to DH's parents, and they phoned us back this afternoon, saying that they couldn't afford to pay for his place (so what makes them think we could! As they're much better off than us!) as well as theirs, but there is a cancellation fee of £200 for cancelling his flight and cabin, which WE WILL HAVE TO PAY (!!!!) as it's us who are being awkward! Sorry if they think it's awkward not to want to spend £1,200 on a trip.

He's basically told them they can whistle for it, though not in so nice a way as that.

He's basically told them they can whistle for it, though not in so nice a way as that.

Brilliant. Well done your DP.

If your DSS wants to go to NYC badly, I’d start saving for a family trip for his 18th birthday. Tell him that’s the plan and he’s got 2 years to save up his spending money.

SunshineAngel Well done to you and your DH for standing your ground. Now is the time to be very clear with them that you will no longer be 'paying them back' for any money they spend on DS, unless they ask you before they buy him things. That should avoid the issue of them buying him clothes and expecting you to pay in future, too.

Well done to your DP

Good for DP. Let's hope this is the last you hear about it. Although I would make sure that DSS knows that him not going on the trip in not his father's fault.