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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my 6yo DS in year 2 should have his shirt tucked in for school

118 replies

justbeingadad · 10/09/2019 18:17

As the title. AIBU to make my son go to school with his shirt tucked in?

The school doesn't seem to have a rule regarding this.

Context, he doesn't like tucking it in, probably because he's never been made to. His mother is adamant he shouldn't have to tuck it in. I think he should as it looks really sloppy (to the point of it reflecting badly on us as parents if we can't even dress our DS "properly").

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 11/09/2019 01:33

Ds is 15 in Y11, he goes to school looking if he had stepped out of a bin bag, I have moaned at him ever since he started school but even when I was able to supervise him getting dressed, within 5 minutes he looked scruffy. His freshly cleaned shoes looked scuffed, shirt was hanging out, collar crooked. But after that he is well behaved & mannered, hard working & a lovely young man.

justheretostalk · 11/09/2019 06:45

Why did you start a thread if you are convinced you are right and don’t give a toss what anyone has to say?

Your responses are actually coming off borderline abusive and your comment on page 1 about “oh I’ll just let him not bathe then because no one agrees with me” is actually quite in line with manipulation tactics abusive men use on their wives to ‘win’ an argument.

SarahTancredi · 11/09/2019 06:53

Fgs shirts on small children are stupid anyway. If you want to waste your time tucking it in every thirty seconds go right ahead. My dds shirt doesn't even last to the car.

They all come out with the shirts untucked cos they are kids and they run around at break like they are supposed to.

Theres a.middle ground between an untucked shirt and full on ferel dirty stig of the dump boy you know.

Your extreme reaction is actually quite disturbing. Your son has alot more than a shirt to worry about clearly

DriftingLeaves · 11/09/2019 06:56

What an utterly pointless thing to get so enervated about.

tempnamechange98765 · 11/09/2019 07:00

justbeingadad why have you mentioned me on this thread, I haven't even commented once...

hiddeneverythin · 11/09/2019 07:02

The teachers, parents and pupils will care about

  1. Is he kind
  2. Is he working hard
  3. Is he comfortable
  4. Is he happy
THAT is what will reflect on you as a parent. FWIW my DS (5) is sent to school with shirt tucked in, shorts and long socks pulled up but by the time he cycles to school and plays before the bell he physically enters the classroom looking like he has already had a hard day at the stock exchange. YABU
Rachelover60 · 11/09/2019 07:05

Just chill. If he starts the school day with it tucked in, it's fine. He's very young. Mine used to put jumper on back to front or inside out or both and trailing shoelaces. I never knew what sort of a scarecrow I'd be picking up at the end of the school day.

Your son will outgrow this and he will not be the only child to have his shirt outside his trousers.

LolaSmiles · 11/09/2019 07:33

He's young. I'd chill out about it.

As an aside, I think polo shirts are infinitely better for primary students than a shirt/tie not work properly.

Drogosnextwife · 11/09/2019 07:36

You sound like an absolute nightmare.

Kuponut · 11/09/2019 07:40

Expectation at my kids' schools are that from Y3 onwards shirts get tucked in (that's the point they transition from polos to shirts and ties) and that they re-tuck them in after playtimes if they've been haring around the playground.

My Y2's polo is tucked in - but that's mainly because to get skirt length I've had to go up sizes and it helps keep the bugger up around the waist. It won't be by the time they get home and I really couldn't give a fuck about it.

Drogosnextwife · 11/09/2019 07:40

I think it's irresponsible to send a 6 year old to school in a shirt and tie. It's a massive strangulation hazard. I think they should be banned. I judge people who do these dangerous things with their children,all because they believe it makes them look like better parents, God knows why.

GemmeFatale · 11/09/2019 07:51

Well I expect my teenager to cook simple meals, do some laundry and keep his room clean. But given he’s currently still a baby I expect him to work hard at drinking milk, giving the best cuddles and smiling lots. I’d like to add sleeping to the list but I’m not winning that battle. Expectations grow with our children. Right now your STBXW is sending him to school appropriately dressed.

As for your other points (as you asked):

Does tidying the "toy" room improve anything
Yes. It is hard to clean a room properly if it is so untidy you can’t get to the floor to vacuum. Personally I clean daily because we have pets but if you don’t I’d probably consider a weekly tidy and clean to be sufficient. You might have other considerations of course. Cleaning is important for hygiene reasons, and general checking/maintenance on the fabric of the building and the furnishings. So yes, tidying the toy room is important. I’d expect a six year old to help me tidy but not necessarily to be able to manage such a task alone (it depends on the size of the room and type of toys I guess).

does me asking him to make his bed improve anything,
Not really. Again I’d want bedding cleaned regularly and checked for wear. Personally I like beds made for the joy of getting into them at night and folded back to air during breakfast. If a child’s bed stays airing all day that’s fine.

does me asking him to hang up his towel improve anything,
Yes. Wet towels that aren’t hung to dry will soon start to smell. A six year old can hang a towel but I’d probably check it’s hung straight enough to dry completely.

does him taking his plate from the table to the kitchen improve anything?
Yes. Again hygiene.

Absolutely not, does him saying please, or thank you improve anything?
Yes. Basic manners are important for social reasons.

You seem very hung up on trying to micromanage how your ex wife parents your child. Perhaps reflecting on this controlling nature will help improve your next relationship.

Quartz2208 · 11/09/2019 07:52

No matter how you slice it this is about you and your issues about how he looks reflecting on you (so much you hate the fact that she didn’t buy a new shirt because it had pen on it)
I have 2 children one looks presentable all the time uniform tucked in hair done etc. The other frankly looks like he has run through a bush backwards. Neither reflect on me it’s just their personality.
And the second one is a 6 year old boy who has pen on most of his shirts within seconds of owning them

Anothernotherone · 11/09/2019 07:55

To be honest the poor little buggers look utterly ridiculous dressed as low budget tiny polyester clad estate agents for school - why on earth dress a small child in a shirt, tie and teflon-polyester trousers or skirt? It makes no sense at all for the activities they're doing over the course of a school day, and is seldom weather appropriate...

Many countries without school uniform score better in the Pisa literacy, science and maths comparisons, school uniforms are a pointless anachronism used mainly as a "low hanging fruit" way for slightly hopeless heads/ senior management to "make their mark".

All the fuss about uniforms - from school management and certain parents - is a displacement activity. Worrying about enforcing the minutiae of uniform wearing in schools is all teflon surface and no substance.

Worry about whether he's happy and learning, not about the precise arrangement of his shirt!

BettysLeftTentacle · 11/09/2019 08:03

My father was like you OP. Your replies are uncanny. Carry on this way and you’re giving your DS a one way ticket to anxiety. Read back through your replies, can you not see how intense you’re being about literally nothing? All of this is your problem not your DS’s.

Metempsychosis · 11/09/2019 08:06

I’m not sure it’s that massive a strangulation hazard Drogo since millions of children do it and I’ve never heard of a serious case (I assume it occasionally happens, but not in the numbers that would constitute massive risk). I would also struggle to judge the parenting who sent their child to a good local school where they were happy but which had ties in the uniform rather than commuting to the other side of town or reluctantly homeschooling.

OP, I have higher standards than my DH for children’s clothes. If he happened to be getting them dressed when small they’d sometimes end up in totally random clashing selections of clothes (think plaid shirts with camo trousers), or wearing outgrown trousers flapping halfway up their calves, and if we were going out somewhere where I wanted them to look respectable then I’d say “sorry darling, I can’t face taking them out looking like that, I’ll do a quick change.” We accepted that this was just my foible - it wasn’t important to the children but I cared, and wanted them to look cared for and moderately well presented when I took them out to visit people. My DC wore polo shirts at that age but if they’d had shirts I’d have tucked them in before they crossed the threshold of the school.

However that’s in the context of a functioning marriage. In your situation, and given your apparent personality, you should tuck the shirt in when you dress you child, and STFU when your STBXW does it.

Motherinlawsdung · 11/09/2019 08:08

Not surprised your wife has separated from you.

Hahaha88 · 11/09/2019 08:12

If my lo was wearing a proper shirt then yes I'd expect it to be tucked in in the morning, just as I'd expect it to be clean and crease free with the collar folded down correctly.
If it was a polo shirt I think I'd be less bothered about it being tucked in unless it was on the bigger side.

64sNewName · 11/09/2019 08:30

a man could say anything literally anything here and be wrong.

Nah. There are plenty of male MNers who get on just fine.

You sound fixated on proving that your ex’s more relaxed attitude to uniform/presentability is undermining your child’s well-being in some way. “Almost an insult”, etc.

Your rigidity, lack of perspective and reluctance to compromise or reflect are very likely to make life worse for your small boy over the long term. An untucked shirt with pen on it - not so much.

MrsBertBibby · 11/09/2019 08:38

OP, I'm a divorce lawyer. I am begging you, on my hands and knees, to stop this nonsense. You are shaping up to make your divorce bitter and very expensive. People (women too) like you enrich my employers and burn their money on ridiculous fights over utter garbage. Don't do it! Stop seeing things so black or white. Concentrate on what your ex does well, do what you do well, and think, every day, how your actions affect your child's happiness.

It doesn't matter if his shirt is tucked or untucked, it matters that his parents can swallow their differences, treat each other with respect, and ensure that his childhood is not trashed by their hatred of each other. He loves you both. Don't abuse that.

You and your ex need to get along for the rest of your lives because your child needs that. He will, no doubt, graduate, marry, have kids, have their parties and all that. Do you really want to have to miss half of those because you can't be in the room with his mum without causing a toxic atmosphere?

Sort yourself out now. Please.

StroppyWoman · 11/09/2019 08:47

MrsBert
Well said!

OP, your posts are all about you - you judging the appearance of others, you feeling judged, you wanting your poor wee 6yo to reflect will on Brand You in the schoolyard.

Stop it.
He’s a very young child; in the parts of the world 6yos attend school the vast majority don’t wear uniforms and most of those that do are based on practical clothes for playing and learning. Those children grow up perfectly able to fit into the world as adults.

Fudgenugget · 11/09/2019 09:00

My daughter is 13, Y8. She has never tucked her blouse in. She covers it with a school jumper and blazer and looks smart. Her school is crazy about the uniform and she hasn't yet got a detention for looking out of place.

@justbeingadad I think you are too focused on the small stuff. You are bringing up an anxious boy, or he will be, if you keep this up. My family placed a lot of emphasis on public appearances and how things reflected upon them, and now I have had bouts of anxiety and depression in part because of it. Is it any wonder that I give my kid so much freedom with her personal choices? I don't think so. This isn't about the shirt, or the bath, but it IS about your relationship with your son's mother.

Pick your battles. One of my big parenting challenges is, is this worth making a huge fuss over? Because of my upbringing, I am prone to get angry with my daughter over, say, leaving her underwear on her bedroom floor. But I have learned to take a step back, breathe, and ask myself if it's worth an argument. Usually, it's not.

MouseInATelescope · 11/09/2019 09:15

Should see my 7 year old after re-dressing himself after PE it's comical collar is half out, jumper half way up his tummy with tee sticking out. When he was 4/5/6 evrything would be back to front, shoes on the wrong feet! Vast majority of his class got it right!

Should not be an issue in primary at all.

TubaTwoLocusts · 11/09/2019 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stixkystick · 11/09/2019 09:40

OP does your DS wear a green red and grey uniform by any chance?