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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really annoyed with this teacher?

298 replies

tomboytown · 10/09/2019 16:29

Ds-first week of senior school.
Mon- supposed to have History homework
Mon- gets given a worksheet
Monday night- completes the worksheet

Tuesday-gets detention for completing the worksheet.

It’s his first week!
Punishing a child for actually doing more work than is necessary?!

OP posts:
Theoverstretchedmultitasker · 11/09/2019 11:47

@tomboytown Flowers

He's lashing out at you because it's safe and he needs to know you won't leave. Still heartbreaking for you though.

I really wouldn't worry about school staff and teachers having seen you cry. Anyone would understand it's an intense time for you. Make sure the school is aware of your loss though.

If you still want to get to the bottom of the detention situation, just email with some factual questions.

Hang in there! You are not "that parent" (which, incidentally is a putdown only ever used against women!)

Theoverstretchedmultitasker · 11/09/2019 11:53

@HugoSpritz I have reported your last comment. I can only hope you posted it before OP's update about her DH dying.

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 11:54

I sometimes find expectations of y7 are lower than y6 from some staff so they expect and accept a lot more silliness and disorganisation than the primaries would.

Yup. Sometimes I think people need to take a step back from the emotional side of thinking about Y7s starting school in a new place, understandably a bit anxious etc. and ask what is actually happening.

An 11 year old goes to school. They’re suddenly enjoying a new level of freedom; probably been given their first smart phone, getting the bus by themselves, choosing new friends and clubs, etc. Okay, so far so good.

But they’re a small fish in a big pond. They’re out from under the collective thumb of a very small group of staff who know their and their behaviours very well. They suddenly have teachers they only see once a week, who don’t even know their names, who don’t know their parents or see them face-to-face apart from once a year.

Some of them - a significant minority - aren’t as daft as they look. They can’t help it. A little lightbulb goes on. 💡

“What can I get away with here?”

Will anybody actually notice if I don’t do my homework?

If I talk in class, will the teacher bother telling my parents?

If I say I don’t remember my Accelerated Reader password, can I get away without reading this book because I didn’t take a quiz on it?

If I’m a few minutes late for class, can I say I got lost?

If I tell this teacher on duty my name is Monty Python, will she think that’s a real person?

They can’t help it!

LolaSmiles · 11/09/2019 11:58

You are not "that parent" (which, incidentally is a putdown only ever used against women!)
It's used to refer to parents who behave in a way that is unreasonable and usually involves complaining without full facts, my child says... Deciding rules don't apply to their child and so on, demanidn to speak to senior people over non issues etc (Whereas any other reasonable parent would calmly and sensibly be open to not having the full picture, calls up and a polite chat happens / where complaints are needed they behave reasonably).

That sort of behaviour exists in men and women, just so happens that on MN most posters are women so people who don't work day in day out in schools only see what they read on MN.

The man who got purple with anger in my face because I wouldn't like about his child's predicted grade, or the dad who sit in a meeting claiming a bum scraping tight non uniform skirt was definitely knee length that morning are just as much "that parent" as a woman who decides their child didn't do X Y Z so detentions don't apply / the teacher is picking on their child for expecting them to be polite to other students etc.

HugoSpritz · 11/09/2019 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaSmiles · 11/09/2019 12:18

It is possible that even if the school has been told subject teachers may not have been made aware
That's the biggest issue here and possibly most crucial piece of information if a child isn't following instructions because there's something big in the background.
Do school know? Is it need to know or were all staff to be informed?
OP would be much better talking to a pastoral person such as a head of year about any difficulty with the transition and checking relevant info sharing and support than going for one teacher over a 5 min detention.

sweetiepie1979 · 11/09/2019 12:51

Hope your ok this afternoon OP Flowers
Your son loves you very much I know you know that x

PegLegAntoine · 11/09/2019 14:34

Hope you are ok OP

HaveIGoneMad · 11/09/2019 14:57

Grow up. Adults aren’t children. The two aren’t comparable

Because adults are allowed to make mistakes and children aren't? Hmm

For everyone moaning about OPs son not listening/paying attention, he is a child on his first week of secondary school, clearly trying to do what he thought was right - I'm sure he didn't fill out a worksheet for the sake of it, and why send students home with a worksheet that's meant to be done in class later in the week? He also wasn't the only one to make the mistake, we have all at some point in our lives forgotten/misheard/missed an instruction even if we didn't mean to so why be so harsh to a child?

I was a very bright student, I remember a teacher giving me a detention for something like this in school, I had never been in trouble before and was devastated I genuinley had tried my hardest. I'm still like it as an adult where I panic if I forget something (even if I've been paying attention!) I was even worse as a child it's incredibly unfair to put it down to him misbehaving without knowing him. I'm sure the teacher was fed up at having her lesson plan messed about i apprectiate it's annoying after the hard work that goes into it but I do think she was a bit harsh

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 15:21

HaveIGoneMad

No, because adults have a responsibility to teach students. The mistake he made was choosing not to listen. Unless he gets out of that habit and learns - now - that it is important to listen to and follow instructions, the error will be repeated, which isn’t the best outcome for him.

Faultymain5 · 11/09/2019 15:47

A detention isn't teaching, it's punishing. If she actually explained why what he did was wrong, then he'd have a better understanding. Insteadhe has detention and doesn' t know why.

The only lesson she has given is, life isn't fair. Something that reading further OP posts, I think he very much aware.

MustShowDH · 11/09/2019 15:51

'Well this has taken a turn'

Sure has.
The two of you are having too difficult a time to worry about 5 mins staying behind. Don't worry about crying at school. I've seen a fair few mums do it for various reasons. I might be worth asking to meet your son's head of year. They can explain the 'detention', you can explain why your son might sometimes be sensitive. As someone upthread said, work with the school.
I honestly wish you well. You've obviously been through a lot.

PinkCrayon · 11/09/2019 16:02

Totally agree with everything you said @HaveIGoneMad.

My son had a teacher in primary who was so ridiculous with her punishments. Detention for rubbing his eyes, for not crossing his arms all the time when seated in class (all confirmed as reasons by the teacher) he had never had detentions before and was a people pleaser and always wanted to do well and be liked. He was so upset at first and by the end he didnt care about having detentions anymore. Too many detentions make kids not care as they become normal.
I went in about said teacher as I was very unhappy with how he didnt want to go to school anymore because of her constant belittling nasty behaviour the head teacher was pretty useless but then luckily my son confided in another teacher who was also the deputy head of how harsh she was being and she moved him into her class as she taught the same year. She told me she couldnt have him feeling like that as it was his last year at the school. Funnily enough he never had a detention again. And she reported as other teachers had about how lovely and well behaved he was.
Some teachers can be wrong you know. Some teachers actions can be too harsh and counterproductive.
Emotionally wellbeing of children is extremly important especially in transition times. Like we saw with the op her son has had an extremely hard time in his home life. There are many other children that can be having that same struggle that dont talk about it and dont have the support of their parents like ops son has (alcoholic parents/abuse etc..) the teacher may not know which is why kids always deserve a second chance. To just punish an eager to please child is ridiculous and counterproductive. It may "only be a 5 minute detention" to an adult but to some kids it makes them feel awful. For the first week at secondary it wouldnt hurt to give leniency at the very least.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/09/2019 16:32

People are so quick to judge when it comes to pupils, teachers and school.

Is not hard to see how this happened.

Conscientious student is aware that the timetable says history homework for Monday's.
Worksheet handed out.
Assume it's the home work. Completes sheet.

Gets given what's described as a detention.

Pupil then worries about getting further things correct - because they are a good student who wants to get it right.

Only on Mn can the actual events be made into something else because it suits the responders that the child MUST have been so far in the wrong.

Whereas in RL mistakes happen daily and people generally don't get punished for them.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/09/2019 16:34

Imagine doing something incorrect at work and being given a disciplinary hearing because everyone assumes you weren't listening. When in fact the instruction wasn't clear or none were given and the initiative you used was wrong.

You be incensed. And even more incensed if people wouldn't even listen or consider your input to the situation.

frogsoup · 11/09/2019 16:48

God almighty there are some nasty arseholes on this thread. Even if he did forget to listen, he is ELEVEN in his first week at secondary school, has lost his dad, and he was trying to do the right thing. Threads like this make me despair for humanity. It's the same mindset that 200 years ago would have cheerfully argued for the virtuousness of shipping 11yos to Australia for stealing a loaf of bread.

LolaSmiles · 11/09/2019 17:03

frog
I take it you missed the fact that it was a simple case of spoken to for 5 mins by the teacher for not following instructions followed by a second occasion not writing down homework accurately, where the OP went as far as to suggest the teacher may not have taught year 7, the bell light have gone, things weren't explained correctly because her child wouldn't make the mistake on instructions (depsite the rest of the class managing) for most of the thread. Some of us said we would take the second chance approach with y7, but that doesn't mean the teacher is out of order and it certainly doesn't justify speculating over their professional experience in y7.

The additional (and entirely relevant) information about wider pastoral circumstances only emerged many pages into the thread after people had rightly pointed out that if almost all students have followed instructions then maybe her DC should have listened and spent less time coming home claiming the teacher was in trouble.

A parent calling up over "teacher spoke to my child for 5 mins" is ridiculous.
A parent speculating on the teacher's capacity to teach y7 because their child didn't write instructions down or follow them is ridiculous.

A parent calling up to say "this is what has happened recently at home and I think DC is struggling with the transition because in History he missed some instructions or got confused" would be totally and utterly reasonable.

This thread is a lesson in giving the relevant information at the start of a thread rather than doing really substantial drip feeds by page 9/10 after getting responses that don't agree with you.

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 17:08

A detention isn't teaching, it's punishing. If she actually explained why what he did was wrong, then he'd have a better understanding. Insteadhe has detention and doesn' t know why.

Of course he knows why. And yes, the detention is teaching. It is teaching him why he needs to listen during teaching time, because otherwise he will have give up his own time. It’s 5 minutes, not a severe punishment at all, but it serves to demonstrate, not just tell.

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 17:09

Threads like this make me despair for humanity

The Academy Awards called. They have a statue for you.

Confusedbeetle · 11/09/2019 17:10

TALK to the teacher

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 17:13

Imagine doing something incorrect at work and being given a disciplinary hearing because everyone assumes you weren't listening. When in fact the instruction wasn't clear or none were given and the initiative you used was wrong.

Another person who confuses children and adults. Do you understand the meaning of 5 minutes sitting in a chair in a classroom, versus the meaning of disciplinary hearing?

herculepoirot2 · 11/09/2019 17:17

And actually, there will be occasions in working life where a small error will result in a disciplinary matter. It is important for our young people to learn to listen, so they can avoid this.

tomboytown · 11/09/2019 17:24

Lola- none of that is correct
That is YOUR take on the situation
He was never held back 5 minutes to talk to the teacher about listening/instructions. She never explained that. It was a 5minute detention, where they couldn’t speak.
There was no second occasion where he hadn’t been listening, there was a discussion between me and him about where to write the answers
He has not ‘not listened’ in school because he’s upset about his Dad.
Yes I did suggest those things about the teacher because I don’t know anything about her and quite frankly anything could have happened in that classroom that meant instructions weren’t given out. Just as reasonable an explanation as a couple of overkeen kids completing the worksheet in error.
Frankly you don’t know what happened in his school. You’ve based everything you’ve said on your experience, which sounds like a lot of experience, but you yourself have said you would give your year 7’s a second chance.
I don’t know what happened either, and I’m in no frame of mind right now to discuss it with the school.
I’m just sick of the insistence that he didn’t listen.
It’s all new and it was day one.
I don’t care if he didn’t listen. I really don’t.
It’s an overreaction to 11 year old children getting something wrong, for good reason, in the first day of term.

OP posts:
tomboytown · 11/09/2019 17:31

doing really substantial drip feeds by page 9/10 after getting responses that don't agree with you.
Seriously?
Fuck off
There were no drip feeds
There was another situation?

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 11/09/2019 17:33

Lola, op stated he was given a detention not spoken to its strange how you have changed the story to suit yourself.
It seems you need to teach yourself some lessons.
Lesson 1)Seems like YOU need to pay attention to EXACTLY whats being said.
Lesson 2) Learn kindness seems your lacking very much in that respect!

Op you have had a really hard time probably best hiding the thread I know I am going to!

Hope he had a better day at school today Flowers