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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked when i receive a letter/card addressed to MRS (DH'S NAME)?

166 replies

balancingact · 09/08/2007 09:52

...this has happened to me twice! By this i mean it's addressed to Mrs Joe Bloggs, for example. These are both from friends - not ultra close ones, but good enough friends.
I keep thinking....what?!?! Haven't i gotten to the stage where i at least earned to be addressed by my own name? (i mean, i love hubby to bits, but even he thought it was a bit ridiculous!)

OP posts:
MaloryTowersHasManners · 09/08/2007 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tanee58 · 09/08/2007 13:19

I wasn't too bothered by people addressing me as Mrs DH - usually they were older relations and I was brought up to understand that such etiquette is important to others, if not to me. I am therefore also careful to address aged aunts that way - only reverting to their own first names when they are widowed.

What annoys me now is when I STILL get letters addressed to my married name, even though I've been divorced 5 years, reverted to my maiden name and am happily ensconced with new dp! It feels as if people who continue to address me by exh's name are refusing to acknowledge my new status. I'd almost prefer it if they used my dp's name instead (one or two have! )

Tanee58 · 09/08/2007 13:20

I've never been a bitter divorcee - but I do have cats...

Slubberdegullion · 09/08/2007 13:23

UD, if your DW has asked your mother to stop putting your initial on letters addressed to her, and she continues to do it, waving the flag that it is "proper etiquette" then that is really bad form.

Etiquette (as I said before) is all about not causing offence. It about putting people as ease, and being polite and respectful.

It is frightfully not cricket to use etiquette as a reason to piss people off.

UnquietDad · 09/08/2007 13:30

She does the qualifications thing too. Always puts "MA" after my name. I have other letters too but she always misses those for some reason!

To be honest I have stopped bothering about the initial thing. She is 78 and will do it until her dying day, no matter what we say.

Slubberdegullion · 09/08/2007 13:46

UD, you should give her this book for Christmas.

My mother gave it to me , and it is really funny. Tells you how to write to Archbishops, table manners, how to shake hands etc.

However the preface is spot on re not using etiquette as a weapon of snobbery. You should maybe highlight some sections for her

Tanee58 · 09/08/2007 13:48

Does anyone still use 'Esquire'? My ex-boss insisted on it and I always felt like I was working in some Dickensian basement!

meandmyflyingmachine · 09/08/2007 13:50

MIL again.

On letters to DH.

Tanee58 · 09/08/2007 13:53

oh, those lovely MILs !

motherinferior · 09/08/2007 13:59

I agree (slavishly, as ever) with Fennel. And get outraged when one of DP's brothers sends cards to both of us under his surname.

If people ring and ask me if I'm Mrs Him I just say No, and leave them wondering what to say next. If they ask for Mrs Him I explain she's dead (DP's mum died two years ago. And in fact she always pointed out she was Dr herhusband'sname).

Why on earth should it matter if people think you're a lesbian?

LadyMacbeth · 09/08/2007 13:59

Haven't read the thread but

Mrs Hamish Macbeth - don't like, can understand your grievance but in a formal situation this is to me acceptable. Not if it's just some card from a mate though.

Mr and Mrs H Macbeth - OK. Bearable.

It is formal etiquette though. Try to forgive your friends - it does sound as if they are just being polite and trying to do the 'right' thing.

(BTW yes I know it's meant to be Thane of Cawdor and Lady Macbeth, but I'm trying to relate to the great unwashed here so please bear with me all you literary pedants).

meandmyflyingmachine · 09/08/2007 14:02

"Dr herhusband'sname"

Obviously I can't speak for your DP's mum, but after all this time, I do rather consider it to be Dr mynametoo...

UnquietDad · 09/08/2007 14:13

slubber 0- thank you, but I am already getting her this !

Great present for all oldies.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 09/08/2007 14:19

Ok, if being addessed as Mrs HubbyNameandSurnames is the "correct etiquete"... How is it that is still correct after so many decades of women fighting to be recognised for their own merits?

I think such adressing falling in disuse is loooooooong over due.

littlelapin · 09/08/2007 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 09/08/2007 14:31

It's all right for the Queen though isn't it - she doesn't get letters addressed to Mrs Prince Philip .

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 09/08/2007 14:33

Sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at "your obedient servant"!

But being the armed forces I'm not surprised this has survived through the times. Many things don't get to be questioned in the forces. i.e. there was a guard positioned every lunch time to guard an area near a bench in the headquarters DH did his militar service. After months of wondering about it he decided to check the rota to see if he could find why the guard should be there... just to find that months and months before the bench had been painted, and the guard was put there to avoid people sitting on it. Obviously the person who filled the rota book in the next days just copied from the initial day, and given enough time nobody ever questioned while the guard was still there!

macmama73 · 09/08/2007 14:33

Thank God for MN. At last I know how to address a letter to the Queen.

I don't get all that bothered about a letter arriving addressed to Mrs Macpapa Macpapa, but my DH was totally the first time he saw it. He is German and this address for would never be used here.

motherinferior · 09/08/2007 14:35

Errrrrrrrrwellactuallythinking about it, she used to call him by his surname anyway as a first name. Not sure about nomenclature in 1930s Bengal, which is where and when he was born, but I think being called Mohammed was kind of generic.

meandmyflyingmachine · 09/08/2007 14:37
  • an answer for everything....
IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 09/08/2007 14:39

I have a faint recollection that some cultures use the surname first, which later when mixing with westerners, causes a lot of confussions. Would something like that be the case?

I know a couple who adress each other by their surnames, but they met while working in a newspaper where most people's work was identified by their initial and surname. It was quite of fun... especially as they have been married for years on end!

UnquietDad · 09/08/2007 14:41

I've had interesting experiences of having to write letters in other languages. It's expected in France that you finish a letter to anyone but a friend with a particular phrase which translates as something like, "Please accept, monsieur, the expression of my most distinguished sentiments..." It always seems French letters (*) are decidedly more formal.

(*) Stop it at the back.

motherinferior · 09/08/2007 14:44

Don't use the word preservative, UD.

motheroftwoboys · 09/08/2007 14:56

Back to the correct name to call a widow. I have one elderly great-aunt who would have a hissy fit if I wrote Mrs Her Christian Name Hissurname. Apparently that "should" only be used if someone is divorced. Another widowed aunt was the same - I think it is a matter of pride to ladies of that generation to keep their husband's name. Personally I prefer to use First Name, Last Name. I am not a teacher but work in a school where all teachers are called Mr, Mrs or Miss so it was a bit of a surprise to them when I asked not to be called Mrs ... It just sounds so impersonal to me!

UnquietDad · 09/08/2007 14:57

Oh yes, I know all about that one!