Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked when i receive a letter/card addressed to MRS (DH'S NAME)?

166 replies

balancingact · 09/08/2007 09:52

...this has happened to me twice! By this i mean it's addressed to Mrs Joe Bloggs, for example. These are both from friends - not ultra close ones, but good enough friends.
I keep thinking....what?!?! Haven't i gotten to the stage where i at least earned to be addressed by my own name? (i mean, i love hubby to bits, but even he thought it was a bit ridiculous!)

OP posts:
MrsJohnCusack · 09/08/2007 10:43

yes I don't think people are doing it to offend. it's just old fashioned

and actually there's such increasing novelty value in getting a real, snail-mailesque piece of social correspondence instead of a text/email, the formality can be quite nice in a way

I like a nice 'At Home' card myself

NotADragonOfSoup · 09/08/2007 10:44

So you'd ignore any letter where they'd mispelt your name too?

Piggy · 09/08/2007 10:44

Weird how some things bother some people and not others. This wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Ellbell · 09/08/2007 10:44

Good question, snorkle. I claimed, when I got my PhD, that things should henceforth be addressed to Dr Ellbell and Mr DH (I didn't change my name). No-one did it, though!

policywonk · 09/08/2007 10:46

Exactly, Fennel. I get plenty of phone calls asking for 'Mrs DP'. I just say, truthfully, that there is no such person.

Fennel · 09/08/2007 10:48

No, misspelling my name is Ok.

You can argue that older people who use words like nigger or queer aren't being deliberately rude, it doesn't mean it's not offensive. It's 2007, people should know that they might be offending people if they persist in addressing people in these ways.

snorkle · 09/08/2007 10:49

I think I'd like to put the title of the person who I've known longest or who I'm more friends with first regardless of sex or seniority of title. So if it's a longstanding girlfriend (whose dh I may also know quite well by now) it should be Mrs & Mr (or Mrs & Dr), but if it's a male friend then the other way around. I've never done this, I just think it's the way it should work.

Fennel · 09/08/2007 10:52

I like the Quaker approach of only using first names wherever possible. It makes things quite easy, we get lots of letters just to Fennel and DPfirstname. Our children get lots of letters just to their first names (that's because noone knows which surnames they have).

Piggy · 09/08/2007 10:53

Good grief. Calling you Mrs DH DH isn't even in the same league as calling someone a nigger or queer.

NotADragonOfSoup · 09/08/2007 10:55

Personally I'd find it pretty rude to receive a letter just addressed to my first name.

And this is hardly in the same realms as the word "nigger" FFS. Sheesh.

Fennel · 09/08/2007 10:57

Personally I find it highly offensive that someone might assume my identity has become subsumed into a man's, as though I'm his possession. It's not that unusual a view.

Ellbell · 09/08/2007 11:09

But, Fennel, the people who write it don't think 'Fennel is married, therefore she "belongs" to her DH, therefore she has no identity of her own, and therefore I shall address her as "Mrs Fennel'sDH" '. They are just doing what they think is 'correct'. Just tell people that you prefer to be called by your own name (I had to do this with my parents and in-laws, and they took the point; couldn't be bothered with my mum's 90-year-old cousins who only ever send me a Christmas card anyway).

IdrisTheDragon · 09/08/2007 11:10

I don't think that Fennel and her DP are married though.

Ellbell · 09/08/2007 11:13

Oops, missed that bit ! Must admit that no-one tried to call me by my dh's name until we were married (by which time we'd been together 8 years or so).

Fennel · 09/08/2007 11:14

People can be encouraged to rethink what is "correct" though. That's my point about using the words nigger and queer. My grandfather thought nigger was a perfectly correct appropriate word. My father still thinks queer is the "correct" term and resents the use of "gay" - he says it's a misappropriation of a good word.

I'm not particularly trying to argue that sexism is as bad as racism or homophobia (not on this thread, perhaps another time....) but am saying that the fact someone considers a certain term or mode of address "correct" does not necessarily excuse them from using it in ways that other people find offensive.

Cammelia · 09/08/2007 11:15

I don't mind if we receive invitaions etc addressed to Mr and Mrs DH's initial. Our Married Surname.

I accept that I married into dh's family (rules of kinship etc)

bookwormtailmum · 09/08/2007 11:24

One bf once wrote my full name in block capitals ncluding middle name (plus Private & Confidential), on a letter he sent me once as my annoying elder sister went through a Jane Austen-ish stage of insisting that she was Miss Bookwormtail as the eldest sister so she could (and did) open any letters addressed thus even though she knew that the postmark made it extremely likely that it was my post rather than hers. Needless to say that we had an 'interesting' discussion over this!! Nowadays it wouldn't arise as we'd simply text each other instead. Shows how long ago it was... but this attitude from her drove me mad. It's so old-fashioned and inaccurate.

quint · 09/08/2007 11:36

I find this whole name discussion really funny - maybe because I didn;t like my maiden name and was glad to be rid of it, but I took 2 years planning my wedding and am proud to be Mrs DHSurname, in fact I often correct people when they refer to me as Miss or the dreaded Ms

quint · 09/08/2007 11:38

also love receiving letters in the post (rather than amother bill) so don't give a toss how my name is written (well as long as it wasn;t to Ms Quint!)

Ellbell · 09/08/2007 11:40

That was my point, though, Fennel. You need to correct people and explain why you find it unacceptable. Just not replying doesn't change people's attitudes (they probably just think the letter got lost in the post!).

bookwormtailmum · 09/08/2007 11:41

I'd be proud to take my bf's name as my surname if I were married to him but I'd still want to be addressed by my first name if it was my post. Joint post is probably something different - Mr & Mrs bookwormtail would suffice for me.

edam · 09/08/2007 11:42

I do think sexism is as bad as racism or other forms of discrimination, actually, and I'd like to know what grounds there are for thinking any differently.

People may be inadvertently sexist just as they may be inadvertently racist. Doesn't mean we should let it go unchallenged.

If anyone is happy to be addressed as Mrs DHfirstname, DHlastname, fine, that's their choice.

daisythedog · 09/08/2007 11:44

Quint -- curious, why do you object to Ms?

hunkermunker · 09/08/2007 11:45

I have sent things incorrectly addressed in the past.

But fgs, unless you know somebody's not changed their name, why wouldn't you think they'd be Mrs and Mrs Samename?

It's unusual not to change your name. If you want to be addressed as your maiden name, make sure you've told everyone who's likely to write to you this fact!

bookwormtailmum · 09/08/2007 11:48

I think it was the Mrs dhfirstname dh surname bit that was the bugging element. Not being called Mrs balancingact dhsurname per se.