To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

[AnotherNameChangeReally]

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

You know one thing I've learned its always the person who lends money out who loses out one way or the other 1. You don't get the money back ever 2. You ask for it back they don't have it so don't get the money back 3. Get the money back but you're in the wrong because you asked for it back. I'm still about £200 down in leading money out, so I don't anymore. Always the person lending money becomes the loser. Good luck.

If there is anything I've learnt in life is when your suspicions are telling onething and everybody else is also telling you exactly the same thing then the only thing to realise is that it is true!!! All the facts stand for themselves, he's ringing at very uncivilised hours which shows he's extremely desperate and doesn't care about you OR HAVE ANY SHAME. That behaviour is a classic type that he's either on drugs which came to me first or gambling and nothing else. It's definitely one of the two and you should be on your guard because if it turns out to be drugs he might one day burgle you or try to rob you or try anything of criminal desperation to feed his habit - just be on guard and don't keep anything a secret with this man that is about to ruin his kids and partners life. Just hope he doesn't turn nasty on them as very characteristic of men when they get this desperate. JUST BE CAREFUL, BE ON GUARD!!

My son messages people he hardly knows every weekend trying to borrow money to buy coke. Once they’ve had a line they need more and all sense goes out the window. Sounds like a similar situation.

I’m so shocked at the drug knowledge on mn!

Having spent the best part of 25years around drugs, I can tell you that someone messaging in the early hours for money, wants coke, not week! I’ve seen coke destroy so many lives. I’m in south London and £40 will buy a gram, every time.

I feel for his cousin, it must be tricky with a little one, I've been there myself

I’m so shocked at the drug knowledge on mn!

Ditto, I really feel enlightened. I just want to say again, thank you everyone for reenforcing my no, he is now blocked, girlfriend was informed same day and my partner has told him to stop contacting us for money as we are not available to support him.

Cousin has also told him he has until Christmas to sort himself out, if he doesn't she has said she will end their tenancy and go back to her patents and she doesn't care where he goes because he clearly doesn't care about them. My hearts breaking that she's had to do that, but hopefully it gives him the kick up the bum he needs.

So sad. Hope your DH's cousin gets herself out of this horrible situation.

@AnotherNameChangeReally

You've done exactly the right thing. As a former addict of class As I wish in a way that I had been given consequences - having family / friends who would usually lend if I was desperate finally saying no would have gotten me that step closer to getting sober (which I am fully now) as it's one less avenue to rely on.

Anyway sorry rambling message but just want to reassure you that as well as not wasting your money, you're actually doing more to get them help in the long run.

Good luck to your family and you, hopefully he'll find a route to get him out of this mess where he's desperately asking to borrow money already.

This is when those payday loans get so dangerous because they prey on people like him who are vulnerable.

Best of luck

I’m so shocked at the drug knowledge on mn!

It is shocking. And that is exactly why we need to share this information. If it saves ONE life through knowledge then it is worth it. I have a dear relative going through the depths of addiction & i wouldnt want my worst enemy to go through what my Mum is going through right now.

OP i hope all involved in this sorry saga get sorted, sooner rather than later.

Sadly in many parts of even this country, drug use is affecting most families even indirectly

@Aquamarine1029

Hell would freeze over twice before I have these arseholes another pound. Ignore and block.

Why is the cousin an arsehole? She didn’t do anything wrong!

@Nightshiftmad

You know one thing I've learned its always the person who lends money out who loses out one way or the other 1. You don't get the money back ever 2. You ask for it back they don't have it so don't get the money back 3. Get the money back but you're in the wrong because you asked for it back. I'm still about £200 down in leading money out, so I don't anymore. Always the person lending money becomes the loser. Good luck.

This is so true. Every time I’ve lent money I’ve either had to ask for it back because it wasn’t repaid (making me feel like crap) or write it off (making me feel like crap).

Whether it’s drugs or gambling there’s likely addiction here

It sounds like he has a gambling addiction.

Block his number. Tell your OH that you are permanently drawing a line under this and you won't be landing him money again and then tell his GF.

This is not your problem but his GF needs to know this information so she can make a decision regarding her relationship going forward.

It sounds like he has a gambling addiction

try reading the thread and you'll find out...

Druggie

@Newbie1981 Thanks for that enlightening and as yet unseen contribution

OP . You, your DP and his cousin are all doing the right thing

The fact he is asking his partner's cousin's partner for money shows how far down the list of contacts he has already exhausted. You will not have been his first port of call. He will have exhausted his own family, her family, his friends, her friends etc. He most likely owes thousands.

Gobsmacked at how much knowledge so many people seem to have of their local drug amounts/costs.

Don’t I live a sheltered life

Facebook Messenger must be the go to method for this. I've weirdly been contacted twice in the last year by someone I know - more a friend of a friend - asking if I could transfer £20 both times. Messages were around 1am. He used an excuse of losing bank card both times and needed to get a taxi

I never gave it much thought until this thread but always thought it was strange (and I replied both times saying I couldn't lend)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to let those who said it wasn't weed know that they were right it was/is coke. He is now in rehab and cousin and baby are back with her mum.

I also want to say thank you for the advice and support on not lending the money. Also for the knowledge that you all seem to have on drugs, I felt very naive after I'd read it all, but much more prepared to spot the signs in the future, so thank you for that too.

If you are in the fortunate position to lend £70 and lose it then cut your losses - do it - if you suspect something worse then you need to think before other lending - well grandmothers and eggs - hope it goes well

OP THANKS for the update x