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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

151 replies

AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 03:35

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

OP posts:
mawof3soontobe · 10/09/2019 18:53

I'm failing to see what you have to struggle about from my comments at all? I specifically said it was heavily cut, it's still bloody sold as coke whether or not you want to stick your nose up about it, scuse the pun. No need to be so pedantic over it when I've previously said exactly what you're trying to correct me on Hmm.

Anyway, back to the thread at hand. I highly doubt the issue is weed at 2am and 4am OP, no way would someone be up at that time trying to get a joint! They're obviously using the most "socially acceptable" drug as a smokescreen

Sleepsoon7 · 10/09/2019 18:54

Likely to be lying about it being weed I’m afraid.

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 22:55

Well alongside some great advice, I've also learnt a lot about drugs...

Thank you all, I feel more educated.

OP posts:
SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 10/09/2019 23:14

My first thought was coke money. It's £50 a gram round here.

Sunflower20 · 11/09/2019 00:26

99% sure he's doing drugs

peachdribble · 11/09/2019 17:50

Definitely either gambling or drug addiction- get any money back that he already owes you and don’t lend again- no matter what he pleads...and tell his gf

mumwon · 11/09/2019 17:50

sorry have read through (somewhat distracted by how much mumsnetters know about drugs) However I have heard of the con where someone loans small amount of money from individual - pay it back & than ask for a larger loan & abscond - do not loan money you cannot afford to right off.

bombomboobah · 11/09/2019 17:58

and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning
rookie error
dont explain or apologise (it's just an invitation to wrestle with you and defeat the reasons) just say no

Strictlymumstheword · 11/09/2019 18:02

I would say gambling, unfortunately my husband has a gambling addiction & he will beg, borrow & steal any amount.
He has a very busy job & out all hours, I thought he was working when in fact he was gambling it all. 2 weeks before our daughters 2nd birthday he gambled £4k leaving us with nothing.
When in labour with our 2nd child, he gambled away £2k

Well done for contacting his partner & honestly cut him off completely, you really don’t need that sort of crud in your life

LifeImplosionImminent · 11/09/2019 18:14

I thought he was working when in fact he was gambling it all. 2 weeks before our daughters 2nd birthday he gambled £4k leaving us with nothing.
When in labour with our 2nd child, he gambled away £2k

OMG that's horrendous - I'm torn between feeling sad and wanted to kill your DH.

OMGshefoundmeout · 11/09/2019 18:26

We now know it’s weed people. Time to stop,derailing the thread with arguments about the relative purity/amount of coke available in your area for £40.

You have handled it very well OP and I am glad you are not out of pocket.

gill1960 · 11/09/2019 18:28

Say no and tell everyone in your family what has happened

momtoboys · 11/09/2019 18:30

Gambling was my first thought too.

momtoboys · 11/09/2019 18:33

AnotherNameChangeReally - If the family involves think this is merely a weed habit, they are daft.

Jack80 · 11/09/2019 18:36

Message and say no more money sorry, I'm not a bank

Tistheseason17 · 11/09/2019 18:37

He says it's weed... it's not.

OP - make sure you let the girlfriend know.

ddl1 · 11/09/2019 18:42

Don't lend him any more money. Anyone can be stuck once, and you were kind to lend it that time; but he is not a beggar; you are not his personal cash-machine; and asking you repeatedly sounds as though he's scamming you and perhaps others, or has a gambling addiction/ drug addiction/ secret second family/ something else that's a bit dodgy and you'd be best out of!

TriciaH87 · 11/09/2019 18:44

Send him a message saying no and that you will not be lending him money in future so please do not ask. Then ignore his messages. I'm guessing he has a gambling issue which is why despite high earnings his often running low on funds and your ohs cousin is probably aware he keeps asking people to fund it.

Rtruth · 11/09/2019 18:45

Defo don’t send money.

I’d say he has gambling addiction, needs that hit and is prob paying back others with what he’s borrowing.

If his partner is saying let her know, she’s prob aware and unhappy he’s not sorting it.

Stay out of it, say no and let her know. End of.

Lena18 · 11/09/2019 18:54

My partner is a reformed gambler having not gambled in three years but when things were at their worst and he was gambling frequently this was his pattern to gamble with out bill money and panic borrow from friends and family to recoup so I didn't find out. Perhaps your ohs cousins partner isn't doing anything untoward but I feel the kindest thing would be not to lend as if he always has a safety net of borrowing he will keep coming back..

Motoko · 11/09/2019 19:40

It really doesn't matter why he asked OP for money.

HappyHippy45 · 11/09/2019 19:40

Sounds exactly like coke behaviour. When you have some you want more...that's why people die from heart attacks from it....it's very difficult to stop a bender.
Weed doesn't have that much of a hold over you. You don't feel the need to reach the bottom of the bag....or sell your van to get more.
Weed is more socially acceptable nowadays I suppose......so you're probably getting that story so it doesn't sound as bad.
Could be heroin.....
Hope your dh cousin gets some support and her boyfriend does too.

browneyes77 · 11/09/2019 19:49

As soon as you said it was early hours of the morning each time, my first thought was ‘drugs’.

That and the fact he’s contacting people he doesn’t really know all that well, means the people closest know about his habit so he can’t borrow from them because they won’t lend/give him any money for it.

So I am not surprised in the slightest that is exactly what it turned out to be.

LimpidPools · 11/09/2019 19:57

Ah, no. It's drugs, but as others have said, it's not weed.

hardyloveit · 11/09/2019 20:04

Altho I know a few people who have had a debt by smoking weed. My half sister included and she used to smoke nearly £180 a week! So it is doable. I'd say it was more of a harder drug like coke - much more common to be in debt with.
But like I said it could be weed

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