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Original poster

To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

151 replies

AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 03:35

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

OP posts:
mawof3soontobe · 10/09/2019 11:17

To answer previous questions regarding weights.... An eighth of an ounce is 3.5grams and that is the standard bag of what they call in Scotland "council" coke... Meaning highly cut with benzocaine or other cutting agents so the purity of the powder is very low. This sells for around £40-50 in my area (ayrshire, absolutely rife with it!). When people are purchasing a gram, they are purchasing what is known as pure, or "prop" (short for proper I assume) which is the highly concentrated powder, but according to the daily rags when it hits out country you're lucky if its 50%. This can sell from £60-100 a gram.
The fact that I know so much about this makes me fearful for my children's future and desperate to move away from this area as its so normalised and ingrained into social settings Sad

DifficultSituation19 · 10/09/2019 11:38

Blimey, a gram is £80-£100 around here.

Durgasarrow · 10/09/2019 13:35

I can't understand why you send this person money just because he asks for it.

Heartburn888 · 10/09/2019 13:57

I agree with the drugs comment.

Ignore him - flaming cheeky to even ask!!

LemonPrism · 10/09/2019 14:36

He might be gambling and she's given him allocated amounts for each night out or aomething.

Cheeserton · 10/09/2019 14:45

One hundred percent cocaine. £40 buys you an eighth of an ounce around here.

You must live in Bolivia or Peru. Nowhere in the UK do you get 3.5g of cocaine for £40, it's just complete tosh to claim so.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/09/2019 15:28

turns out he has asked dp also but he has ignored him and let his cousin know each time and I let her know this morning

You've both done the right thing, OP - also in offering the cousin support if she wants to talk - but she's certainly got one hell of a problem there. Hopefully she'll find her way out of it, but at least you've not made things worse by enabling this guy

mawof3soontobe · 10/09/2019 16:08

@Cheeserton considering I've previously bought it myself in the past and have friends who regularly buy it I beg to differ.

DerbyshireGirly · 10/09/2019 16:17

@Cheeserton poster maybe getting their units confused, normally £40 for a gram (not that it is actually a gram but that's the terminology used round here for a standard bag).

OP, this is definitely coke. The amount he's asked for, the timing. Once you've been in that world you can spot the signs a mile off - and it's everywhere!

So so glad to be out of those circles Blush

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2019 16:19

I do know the prices vary wildy around the country. We are in a northern port city so it is dirt cheap here. OP is in Scotland and theres quite a lucrative trade going on up there too.
You can get a farty little 15 quid bag round here but it will be full of all kinds Confused
Most people spend 30-50 on just themself or if sharing with several or got a bad problem 70-100.

Cheeserton · 10/09/2019 16:22

considering I've previously bought it myself in the past and have friends who regularly buy it I beg to differ.
Not actual coke you didn't. Perhaps some shite mixture that contains basically no coke, but not real stuff. Actual cocaine often costs more than that wholesale, never mind small deals.

lvsel · 10/09/2019 16:26

They always forget to pay you back but never forget to ask

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 16:28

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice, ohs mum called him this afternoon and he's just told me. Cousins mum rang her to let her know that he has a drugs issue and to warn her not to give money if he asks, and again let cousin know if he asks. Also to pass the message to dp and his sister.

It looks to be a long term issue as cousin has to sold his van to get money to pay people back.

It turns out it is drugs, but its weed.

OP posts:
DerbyshireGirly · 10/09/2019 16:29

@AnotherNameChangeReally I wouldn't be surprised if you find out it's bit more serious than weed in the not-so-distant future.

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 16:30

13:35Durgasarrow

I can't understand why you send this person money just because he asks for it.

Because he is my partners cousins boyfriend and when we lent him the money we had no reason to think there was any issue other than he was stuck and needed money for a taxi to get home, would you leave the partner of a family member stranded if they asked you for help?

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2019 16:42

Itll be weed & coke then. Most pot smokers are tucked up in bed by midnight.

And i dont really know my weights but ur not getting an 8th for 40 quid

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/09/2019 16:43

He may just be saying weed as less social stigma

Tonnerre · 10/09/2019 16:53

would you leave the partner of a family member stranded if they asked you for help?

I must admit, if it was someone I'd only met five times in ten years, I might. I would think it so odd that he contacted me rather than any closer friends or relatives, and that he did so in the middle of the night, that I would be instantly suspicious. How did your OH even know if it was genuine bank account details that he was given?

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 17:26

No we didn't check the bank details. We didn't think anything of it when he said it was for a taxi.
I understand why so many of you are saying they wouldn't have lent in the first place, I guess we were just a bit more trusting and naive than we should have been in that situation. But he'd always seemed a decent person, and the taxi story was plausible, he doesn't seem the type to fall into the drug trap... But then I guess nearly every addict could have the same thing said about them.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 10/09/2019 17:33

Most pot smokers are tucked up in bed by midnight.

Totally agree!

Louloulovesyou · 10/09/2019 18:16

Sounds like he has a gambling problem. Especially if he is saying he will give it back the same day.

sonjadog · 10/09/2019 18:23

I would have fallen for needing money for a taxi the first time too, OP.

Moomin8 · 10/09/2019 18:29

@AnotherNameChangeReally it's a case of once bitten, twice shy. You haven't done anything wrong and it's good that there are kind people like you around. Just don't let anyone take advantage.

mawof3soontobe · 10/09/2019 18:41

If you look at my previous in depth comment explaining pricing and weights that I know of in my region @Cheeserton you will see I'm more than aware it's heavily cut at that price Hmm someone who is chasing coke at that time will buy the shitest stuff around from any dealer awake and willing to drop off

Cheeserton · 10/09/2019 18:48

you will see I'm more than aware it's heavily cut at that price

Sigh. The crap you described there is not coke. All coke is cut, obviously (it's £50k/kg roughly wholesale in UK for real coke), but you're describing something which for that price will likely contain barely 5% probably, so forgive me if I struggle with the 'coke costs x' claims from you there.