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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

151 replies

AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 03:35

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 10/09/2019 06:27

You're helping fund this guy's gambling (more likely) or drugs habit.

I can't see any reason why you'd even have your OH's cousin boyfriend's number, so I'd just block/ignore and think no more of it.

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 06:36

I can't see any reason why you'd even have your OH's cousin boyfriend's number, so I'd just block/ignore and think no more of it.

Sorry I should have been clearer it was Facebook messenger, not a text.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 06:38

My first thought was online gambling because of the bank transfer. Gf knows what the problem is if she’s asked you to contact her.

Ignore the message, tell OH and tell the gf. I’d be tempted to ask what it was for (cos I’m nosy Grin) but if you want to stay out of it, don’t. I’d think gambling though.

Goodlookingcreature · 10/09/2019 06:42

Hard to say if it’s drugs or gambling but whatever it is, sounds like he’s in the types of addiction and she’s well wide to it.

Chalfontstgiles · 10/09/2019 07:25

Yes. It's drugs or gambling. What the hell else could it feasibly be in the middle of the night. Addiction just asks unashamed, doesn't care who it hurts or lets down. You will be on a long beg list. Block, ignore and tell the cousin. "My OH, cousin boyfriend" ....,,a very spurious and distant relationship to be lending cash anyway!!!!!!! Wave goodbye to the cash already loaned by the way.

CandiceSucksCandy · 10/09/2019 07:25

Reply before blocking;
Drugs or gambling?

Jeezoh · 10/09/2019 07:29

Yep, refuse/ignore and if he persists, advise him he seems to have got you confused with a payday lender Hmm

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/09/2019 07:29

My first thought was gambling - the insistence that he could "pay you back the same day" makes it sound like he is anticipating winning it back. If its drugs, and he's planning to move money around to pay you back, why not just do that straight away?

OP, if you feel like it can't be drugs or gambling, are there any other things you think it might be? You know this guy and we don't - is there anything that popped into your head when he asked, as a reason to need fifty quid very late at night?

Chalfontstgiles · 10/09/2019 07:29

Send a link to Gamblers Anonymous. I hate to think what the poor cousin must be going through - the highs, the crashes, the constant lying, secrecy, fired back accusations - I've been there with alcoholic addiction, it's corrosive and the victims think they're going mad.....Tell the cousin.

Xenia · 10/09/2019 07:32

Definitely refuse. At least hep aid the last money back but you don't want this constantly happening. Just refuse and he will realise there is no point in asking either of you again.

Ify ou feel generous get him round on a Saturday afternoon at £8 and hour to do 2 hours of work on your garden.

kaytee87 · 10/09/2019 07:36

Definitely drugs or gambling. Ignore him and ask your DH to let his cousin know.

leckford · 10/09/2019 07:37

I don’t understand why people on MN are so willing to lend money to other people, even ones they barely know!

EggysMom · 10/09/2019 07:38

first August bank holiday weekend
I left it until after second August bank holiday

Two bank holidays? Where are you, OP? #missespointentirely

donquixotedelamancha · 10/09/2019 07:40

OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Why would you not just do this?

mawof3soontobe · 10/09/2019 07:50

@Longlivepenguins I am very sure, it's rife around here and to be honest a struggle to find people who don't take it recreationally as part of a regular night out. 3.5grams is the standard weight of one bag of cocaine. It can cost anywhere from £40 for standard mixed/diluted/heavily cut stuff, to £100 per gram for more potent stuff. (not a drug dealer Blush just heavily exposed to the realities of cocaine abuse).

The fact that he has no qualms messaging people he isn't close to asking for money tells me he's off his nut already and craving more because any sober person would be embarrassed to approach an acquaintance for money imo

Aridane · 10/09/2019 07:52

Has the friend’s account been hacked?

SaskiaRembrandt · 10/09/2019 07:56

I was wondering about the second bank holiday too.

diddl · 10/09/2019 08:01

"he's OH cousin's partner"

That's not a reason to lend them money though!

Topseyt · 10/09/2019 08:12

Send just one message back saying categorically that there will be no more loans of any sort, ever, and not to contact you again. Then block him on everything and definitely tell the cousin

Are you not in the UK? You talk about two August Bank Holidays. We have only one, unless Scotland is different (can be).

Choclips · 10/09/2019 08:18

You'll never see it back and unfortunately the messages will get more beggy.

Tell him the best you can do is invite for dinner. He will not want that anyways.

Ohbuggerlugs · 10/09/2019 08:18

It sounds like drugs. I would also give his GF the bank details your sending it to, to out him of a second bank account incase she doesn’t know.

Yes you can get coke for as little as 30-40 that’s why so many people are now addicted, and it’s very very dangerous as has been ‘bashed’. And as the OP has said, their life is enviable, it’s normally the case. Up and down the country it’s absolutely shocking how many people are on it weekly, small children, responsibilities, jobs and an addiction that is ok because most of their friends are addicted too. Sounds OTT but it’s actually CRAZY!

Berthatydfil · 10/09/2019 08:22

Re the second bank holiday - don’t they have different ones in Ireland and Scotland ? Or op may not be in the UK at all.
I second some kind of addiction. It smacks of sheer desperation - who messages total random acquaintances like that asking for money ?

Spotsandstars · 10/09/2019 08:23

If someone needs to ask to borrow 40 quid then their life is not enviable. What a waster, tell her asap, tell her you suspect drugs, she knows but it may give her the opportunity to open up and lean on you for support.

smileandsing · 10/09/2019 08:27

Sounds like a coke addict. My STBEXH would do this. Saying he'll pay you back the next day/week/end of the month etc is just to get you to give it to him. Mine would do it to me, when I knew his financial situation inside out and knew there was no way he could (never did get his long awaited 'tax rebate'!)

Do not give him the money. Tell his DP, offer her your support, because believe me she will be struggling right now. They may seem to have it all, but the addict is slowly destroying that (I know, we are that couple Sad )

Tonnerre · 10/09/2019 08:28

Scotland has two Bank Holidays in August.