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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

151 replies

AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 03:35

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

OP posts:
WonderWomansSpin · 10/09/2019 08:47

It might be worth inviting OH's cousin round for coffee so she can offload if she wants.

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 08:54

So to answer some questions:

We're in Scotland. Hense the 2 Bank Holidays

We lent him the initial £40 because he said he needed to get a taxi home, seemed legit at the time.

No we don't know him well, but he seemed nice enough everytime we've met him and my dp and his cousin were really close growing up, so he is going to want to help, I don't blame him for that.

We haven't given him any money since the start of August and he did return it when asked although 2 days after the initial request for it back.

I told dp he has asked me again this morning, turns out he has asked dp also but he has ignored him and let his cousin know each time and I let her know this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 08:58

I have also asked her if she's ok and need to talk about it, so I've left that door open, I have blocked him and the only way he can make contact will be through dp, but he ignores Facebook messenger anyway.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 10/09/2019 08:59

Facebook Messenger seems a very odd way to contact someone - if he has your number why not text? Facebook Messenger is incredibly hackable - are you completely sure that these messages are actually from OH's cousin's boyfriend and not some bloke overseas (which might account for the timings).

MildThing · 10/09/2019 09:00

Why would you even question whether this was reasonable? Especially after the cousin’s message.

JingsMahBucket · 10/09/2019 09:00

@AnotherNameChangeReally I wonder if the cousin is racking up evidence to leave him. Fingers crossed she does. @WonderWomansSpin’s suggestion for a coffee invite is sound.

LazyDaisey · 10/09/2019 09:08

Sounds like an addition. He’s promised cousin. Cousin is keeping eye on funds. Partner is going through his entire Facebook friends like begging for money. Hence why he forgets who actually sent him what (the original £40)

easyandy101 · 10/09/2019 09:16

£40 buys you an eighth of an ounce around here.

Shock

Where do you live Colombia?

Bitchfeatures · 10/09/2019 09:20

My first thought was gambling, if your hard up, you can't pay it back the next day unless you are expecting to come into some money ie, a win.
Tell him no, and let his OH know.

Original poster
AnotherNameChangeReally · 10/09/2019 09:32

@Zaphodsotherhead he doesn't have my number? I never said he does.

It's definitely him, his cousin wouldn't have told us to let her know if he asked again.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 09:34

Make sure your dh blocks him on fb too. Even if he doesn't check his Facebook, at least the guy will realise he has no way of asking your Dh for more money. Whatever this guys problem is he has some nerve asking you for money when you/Dh hardly even know him. He's probably burned his bridges with the people he actually knows. TBH I wouldn't want to get too involved with the cousin in case she tells a sob story and starts asking for money to pay off other debts. If she does confide in you as to what's going on, make sure all talk of lending money is shut down straight away.

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2019 09:38

Online gambling or drugs op

pooopypants · 10/09/2019 09:44

My money's on drugs

UBeaut · 10/09/2019 09:54

Coke habit I would say. I big one as that sounds pretty inappropriate and desperate.

smileandsing · 10/09/2019 09:57

Drum2018 'TBH I wouldn't want to get too involved with the cousin in case she tells a sob story and starts asking for money to pay off other debts.' How kind and supportive of you! I hope you are never caught between a partner with an addiction and shunned by everyone in your hour of need!

OP lend no more money to him. Actively offer support to her if you/DH feel able, your 'door is always open' may not be enough, I know I have never taken up such an offer due to the shame and fear of gossip and judgement. Mention addiction to her if you/DH feel you can, she may feel more able to open up if she thinks you'll offer support without judgement. Alternatively, suggest agencies which could support her. Don't underestimate how isolated, lonely and scared she feels. She is desperately trying to control the situation which is why she wants to know when he has asked for money, not to 'gather evidence' as suggested. But this is outwith her control, she cannot stop him. No matter how much she thinks she should help and support him, she cannot change his behaviour. She would be wise to get away from him.

Drum2018 · 10/09/2019 10:03

Drum2018 'TBH I wouldn't want to get too involved with the cousin in case she tells a sob story and starts asking for money to pay off other debts.' How kind and supportive of you! I hope you are never caught between a partner with an addiction and shunned by everyone in your hour of need!

My point being not to get drawn in by more requests for money. By all means support emotionally, but not finanancially unless you can afford to lose it.

PhilCornwall1 · 10/09/2019 10:25

Isn't the easiest thing to do is just reply to him with simply one word, that being "No" when he asks?

Witchinaditch · 10/09/2019 10:29

Can you ask the cousin why her boyfriend is doing this? I would be mortified if my partner was hitting my family members up for money!!

CloudRusting · 10/09/2019 10:34

Having never bought or used cocaine, how much does one buy for a coked up evening (is an 1/8 ounce a lot?) and if the going rate isn’t £40, what would it be?

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/09/2019 10:35

As a former addict, this very much sounds like coke.

Most places a gram is £40-50 nowadays so it sounds like he gets desperate when he runs out then asks people for loans at that time.

Transferring online is super quick and if it's drugs he'll be straight down the cashpoint and getting cash for a gram.

I don't have any experience with gambling but I guess it could also be that.

MarySibleysFamiliar · 10/09/2019 10:40

Forward the request to your DH's cousin and forget all about it. She can deal with it.

dollydaydream114 · 10/09/2019 10:42

As others have said, it's either gambling or drugs. Another possibility is that he's previously borrowed money from a loan shark and is finding himself short for the weekly payments. Whatever it is, it sounds like the cousin knows about the problem, given that she asked you and your DH to tell her if it happened again.

Whatever it is, though, it's not your problem. Obviously don't lend him more money and ignore any future requests.

JammieCodger · 10/09/2019 10:46

You’ve done the right thing, OP.

Unless things have changed a lot since my druggie days, an eighth of coke would be a hell of a lot, but coke isn’t usually purchased in eighths. Standard measure for a wrap is a gram. And £40 would be about right.

Interesting how coke is metric and dope (which is sold as eighths, quarters, etc) is imperial.

Branleuse · 10/09/2019 10:52

i think a gambler. Thats why he wants to pay back same day. Hes confident he will be able to make it back.
Block him

Moomin8 · 10/09/2019 11:16

Never a borrower or a lender be...

He's a CF. If you lend him money, you have to chase him to have any chance of getting it back.

Why would you even consider giving him more? People like this figure out who they can sponge off and keep doing it. Whether the money is for gambling, drugs or anything else it's not your problem. You've already been kind and he's a piss taker!

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