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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my DD 10 and 11 alone from 6-9pm

137 replies

bathsh3ba · 09/09/2019 06:49

I'm a single parent and have to go to an evening at one of my DD's schools this week. It would involve being a 20min drive away and out from 6pm to 9pm. We live in a village, they know the neighbours, they can call my parents or their dad on the phone but neither are local. They are 10 and very nearly 12. They are generally sensible and have been left before but not for as long as 3 hours and not when it's dark, which it will be by 9pm. They want to be left rather than get a babysitter. WIBU to leave them?

OP posts:
MsLumley · 09/09/2019 08:36

I've left mine alone at that age for the same time while DH and I had dinner at a local restaurant. If your DCs are happy to be left alone and you call every hour then I see no problem with it. Christ I was babysitting for other people's kids at the age of 13!

IdblowJonSnow · 09/09/2019 08:37

Yes if they are sensible and will follow your rules while you're out. I agree with no baths or cooking etc.
Whoever asked about bedtime, I'm sure they can brush their teeth and get into their pjs independently!
What's the longest you've left them previously op?

dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 08:41

I agree with no baths or cooking etc.

I would have thought a 12-year-old could safely have a bath and stick a pizza in the oven Confused

Pinkkahori · 09/09/2019 08:47

Don't promise to ring them until the meeting is over. It might not be possible and they could worry if they expected to hear from you and didn't.
Also, you have to comfortable leaving them. If you have doubts they will pick up on it and might be unnecessarily nervous.

user1493494961 · 09/09/2019 08:49

It's fine, agree with Heyboyo.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 09/09/2019 08:50

I've left the 11yo 3 hours before. The longest I've left both of them together is 1.5 hours. 10yo has been left an hour on her own.

They won't need to feed themselves a meal but they are quite capable of making themselves drinks and snacks. They will probably just watch TV and play on their phones. They really don't want a babysitter.

Looks like the majority think it would be ok, phew!

OP posts:
sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 08:53

Your child is not 12, that are 11 and 10. The three hours and also factoring in the 20 minute drive each way, no I wouldn’t. Get a babysitter for peace of mind, and gradually build up to longer times and being in the dark etc. If you are delayed or the car breaks down etc then to you won’t need to worry.
If you were 5 mins away, that is one thing - 20 minutes is quite a distance.

Could they cope with any emergency?
Would they know what to do if someone came to the door?
Do they argue and fight often?
Are they likely to break the rules and cook etc anyway?
Are they confident and happy to be left?

These are my benchmarks.

sailingclosetothewind · 09/09/2019 08:55

Op
I don’t think everyone is agreeing it’s okay. So I am not sure why you are saying phew.

Dutch1e · 09/09/2019 09:00

I'm surprised you're getting so many positive responses, usually the consensus around here is that no child is to be left alone until they're 45.

For what it's worth I would do exactly as you've planned. Kids need unsupervised time as much as we do, not only to develop responsibility but for the simple bliss of not being constantly watched by parents or teachers.

northerngirl2012 · 09/09/2019 09:01

I'd do it at that age if its a one off. At 13 and 10 I started to leave them for 1 1/2 hours at least once a week. Its a once off, not the norm and also they'll probably really enjoy the change. Mine love it when I'm out!

Adreamaday · 09/09/2019 09:04

Yes, If they get on well, are responsible & it is a one-off.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2019 09:05

It's a no from me too. And phoning their grandparents or father if they are an hour away is irrelevant.

Take them with you, they can sit in t h school reception whilst you have your meeting

OVienna · 09/09/2019 09:06

Depends on the kids and the environment. You seem very confident about it- I don't mean this in a snarky way but I am curious what prompted you to start the thread given this certainty. We don't know your kids or the area, etc.

HappySonHappyMum · 09/09/2019 09:09

I would and have. Building trust with your kids is important, they will feel good because you have trusted them to be responsible for themselves. Your 12yo is probably in year 8 and takes herself to and from school alone so if she is able to do that then she can stay in a house alone for a few hours. Set the rules before you go and ring home if you're worried.

zafferana · 09/09/2019 09:10

I wouldn't. It's going to be dark and you're leaving them for the best part of 4 hours (3 hours + 2 x 20 min drives). I'd get a babysitter.

bluebluezoo · 09/09/2019 09:11

So year 6 and 7?

Does the year 7 get themselves to school? It is entirely normal for just turned 11 year olds to be catching buses, trains or tubes to school by themselves.

It's also normal for secondary and often year 6 kids to get themselves home at 3 and wait for parents to get in from work at 6. There is a reason there's no wrap around care at secondary. It's not that parents suddenly all stop working.

What difference does it being dark make, out of interest? Winter it will be dark by 4. Does nobody leave kids alone after 4 in the winter? Again, how do working parents manage?

My just turned 11 year old will start getting the bus home from school 3x a week and being on her own til 6.30. Dark or not.

If you and the kids are happy with it there's no problem.

christinarossetti19 · 09/09/2019 09:12

Yes, of course it's okay if they're both up for it.

I would let your parents/their dad know that you'll be out, and let the girls know that they can call them if they need to. Also, have this arrangement with a neighbour if possible.

You can also text them etc when you arrive, just before you leave etc.

bobstersmum · 09/09/2019 09:12

I think it will probably be ok but I wouldn't. I would ask a trusted neighbour or friend to sit with them or at least keep popping in.

saraclara · 09/09/2019 09:13

I don’t think everyone is agreeing it’s okay. So I am not sure why you are saying phew

She didn't say that everyone was. You'll never get 100% consensus on MN, especially about giving kids independence.
But overall people are positive and so they should be, imo.

BarbariansMum · 09/09/2019 09:14

I'm sure it wont be dark in the house @zafferana - the OP surely has lighting and probably even a door to separate the inside from the outside. Hmm

EskewedBeef · 09/09/2019 09:14

It's fine. They're obviously sensible and happy to take some responsibility for themselves, or you wouldn't think about it.

My children would have been happy to be left for an evening at that age, as long as they were fed and weren't expected to do anything beyond watch the TV.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/09/2019 09:15

You know your kids, if you think they could act responsibly and not argue/fight then I think that would be fine.

I leave my 11 yr old alone for a few hours now and then. She knows the rules, don't answer the door. Keep all doors locked. If you're hungry eat cereal, make a sandwich or something that doesn't need heating. Don't use the kettle, oven or microwave. Keep your phone on. She knows the neighbours and knows she can call on them if she needs anything .

SoWhat21 · 09/09/2019 09:16

Of course it’s fine. What on earth difference does it make that it’s dark?
What exactly are people worried will happen to kids that age in their own house for a couple of hours? They are old enough to follow rules about answering door etc and have phones if there is some unexpected emergency. The helicopter parenting on here sometimes is off the scale.

WhyBirdStop · 09/09/2019 09:19

I wouldn't unless a neighbour could pop in at least once just so they are reassured there's someone close by if needed. If their father was closer or if it was just the older one I think it would be better. With two there's potential for arguments or shenanigans.

Myriade · 09/09/2019 09:19

I would.
They are happy with it.
3 hours is ok at that age. Mines certainly did that after school.
Whether it’s dark or not doesn’t make any difference imo. They aren’t going to walk around or go somewhere. They are staying at home. Plus what’s the difference between being at home when it’s dark or not? How could it be more dangerous? Or being at home in the dark at 4.30 or at 9.00pm?

The only thing I can come up with is that my dcs would have been in bed at 9.00pm at that age. Would your dcs be happy to stay up later or to go to bed in their own?