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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to move home so I'm closer to sick parents??

116 replies

Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:06

Long story short both parents are sick. Dad just signed a DNR and mum still recovering from stroke she had whilst I was 6months pregs

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis and he refused. Said he would miss the sunshine & "opportunities" & didn't want to move north to wait for my parents to die???

Don't really fancy having a failed marriage though equally not feeling so valued either. Thoughts?

OP posts:
jamoncrumpet · 08/09/2019 20:08

Oh OP this is so shit, I'm so sorry. How easy would it be for you to move closer? Would jobs etc be transferable?

Gazelda · 08/09/2019 20:15

What distance are you taking about? Would it involve selling home, moving jobs, moving schools? How far away would that leave DH from his own family?

It sounds as though he's made a snap response, but maybe you could ask if you could have a longer discussion about pros and cons.

Just because he's said no, doesn't mean he doesn't value you. It means that in his mind it is better for your family to stay where you are.

You need to talk more.

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:16

400+ miles away & jobs would need to be new. Something I was already considering post mat leave , don't really think hubby enjoys his too much either

If we didn't have the baby I know where I would be 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:20

It's no snap decision sadly. Question is what next?

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 08/09/2019 20:20

It's a HUGE ask.

Was it ever on the cards?

Could you take a sabbatical from work and spend more time with them?
I think you aren't unreasonable to have asked but he isn't unreasonable to want to stay where you are settled.

RubaDubMum89 · 08/09/2019 20:22

If you cannot move to be near your parents full time, could you maybe relocate there on your own (with baby of course) to help in the short term, for a few months at least. Then during that time you could try get something sorted for them through Adult Social Care in their area?

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 20:23

Do you have siblings who are able to pop in much more regularly than you? What if any level of care are your parents getting at the moment?

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2019 20:24

It's too much to ask. Have you not got siblings who could help out with your parents?

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood · 08/09/2019 20:24

Why don't your parents move closer to you? If they're retired and have reduced movements anyway due to illness etc surely the impact fit them would be way less? And the perks (of having their daughter close) way more?

Hoppinggreen · 08/09/2019 20:26

Other than this is your marriage good?
I would say no in your husbands position too and if he thought about leaving me over it I would help him pack.
I appreciate that you want to help your parents but you have a new family now and you can’t expect your husband to move over 400 miles and both of you look for new jobs etc

Butchyrestingface · 08/09/2019 20:28

Why don't your parents move closer to you?

I assumed OP was abroad. Her post spoke of "sunshine". Wink

Of course, her parents could be abroad also.

Ohflippineck · 08/09/2019 20:30

Horrible situation and he didn’t deal with your suggestion very sensitively but I think you are asking too much. Sorry. Could they move closer to you? Sheltered housing maybe?

StitchingMoss · 08/09/2019 20:30

I assumed the sunshine was down south while less sun up north??

Sirzy · 08/09/2019 20:33

It is a big ask. This is the sort of thing that should be thought about before making the decision to move away.

Even doing it as a short term thing is a big move and actually housing and jobs wise doing it short term could make it even harder.

It’s a shit situation but I don’t think expecting him to drop everything and just move is the answer

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:34

It's just London and Scotland and only a temporary ask....

If I suggested Australia he would go in a heartbeat...he's not close to his parents at all & we have no support here anyway

OP posts:
Horatioroses · 08/09/2019 20:37

It's very hard. I thought of it for a while but our lives were here. Now both my parents are gone and I am glad I am not stuck living where I grew up. I did make very frequent visits in the final years though and am glad I was able to do that.

Notthetoothfairy · 08/09/2019 20:40

I wouldn’t relocate in your DH’s position and think you are being unfair to him. Your main responsibility is to your immediate family (DH and baby) and it doesn’t sound like your parents have given you any support from your last update.

Cheeserton · 08/09/2019 20:41

I agree with some others that this is way too much to realistically expect. I'm also a little shocked at the way you speak about your marriage as though it's potentially disposable. I mean really, for that? 'Temporarily' moving your entire life is not a reasonable ask.

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:41

Guess after 6years of frequent trips and insensitive husband I'm just questioning life here

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 08/09/2019 20:43

insensitive husband

In what way?

Did you meet where you live now or did you move there?

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:51

I guess words can't really articulate how tough the past years have been and really hope no one really has to go through it either

There is a huge pull back "home" coupled with what's becoming a rocky marriage

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2019 20:53

It's normal and natural for adult children to move away for a better life, and to help their own children achieve a better lifestyle. Maybe you haven't adapted properly to your new life?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/09/2019 20:56

That's a hard one OP

Moving somewhere you had never discussed for an indefinite amount of time if its not somewhere you want to go, to care for a spouses relatives, is a massive ask. If it's far away then there isn't really a great compromise. Lots of people dont even bother with their own parents so its a big ask to do for someone elses.

Would they consider moving closer to you? Or in with you? Could you take a sabbatical or parental leave and stay with them for 6 months or so and decide?

AtSea1979 · 08/09/2019 20:57

I think this is less about your parents and more about you wanting to go and whether your DH will stick by you.
I am going to go against the grain here and say it’s not too much to ask. Depending on what ties your DH has to London. But then I have no friends/hobbies etc tied to where I am.

Ilikethisone · 08/09/2019 20:59

It's just London and Scotland and only a temporary ask

Ita not really a temporary ask. It means moving jobs and theres no end date.

It's a move for the foreseeable future.

And if the marriage is rocky, what does he do If you decide to leave him. Stay in Scotland where he doesnt want to be. Or move back to london 400 miles to london, away from his child?

In all honesty, I wouldn't move if I was him especially if the marriage was rocky.

I would be thinking that you want to move there then split. Because if you split in London, he may be able to stop you moving back home with the child.

Also giving up a job, is risky.

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