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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband to move home so I'm closer to sick parents??

116 replies

Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:06

Long story short both parents are sick. Dad just signed a DNR and mum still recovering from stroke she had whilst I was 6months pregs

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis and he refused. Said he would miss the sunshine & "opportunities" & didn't want to move north to wait for my parents to die???

Don't really fancy having a failed marriage though equally not feeling so valued either. Thoughts?

OP posts:

finn1020 · 09/09/2019 07:20

If you think your marriage is rocky and that you’d leave him and go back if it wasn’t for the baby, maybe he thinks about splitting up too. So if he moved with back with you, he could end up living in a place he doesn’t want to be, with the marriage eventually ending but he’s stuck there if he wants to see his child regularly.

And if the marriage ends you’re stuck where you are now, you haven’t spent time with your parents that you want to, and you’re stuck where you don’t want to be because you can’t move away with your child.

You seem fairly pessimistic about your relationship. Do you think it’s sustainable long term, or even just over the next year or so?

Are you back at work from maternity leave? Could you take your daughter and visit for a while?

adaline · 09/09/2019 07:24

Sorry OP but it certainly doesn't sound like you want it to be temporary.

If someone told me they were thinking of moving to Scotland to be closer to their parents and becoming mortgage free, I'd definitely think it was a permanent thing.

saraclara · 09/09/2019 07:26

who needs a little support after all

Oh come on. What you're asking is not 'a little support'. It's a massive, massive commitment and a whole change of lifestyle, involving house selling and buying and giving up and finding two jobs. It's about as big and as stressful a thing as you could ask from anyone. You sound very whingy and entitled there, to be honest.

notsorighteousthesedays · 09/09/2019 07:29

He sounds selfish and lazy. I would consider what's best for all of you and do that, babies are portable and one of the best ways to settle into a new area is getting involved with children's activities.
If he isn't willing to help come up with workable scenarios that tell you a lot about your 'life partner' and who he thinks is the most important in your relationship!
I do think you should try and have a non-confrontational discussion about future plans. How does he see life in 5 years time? etc. Because I would worry that if he won't offer even emotional support in this situation it means he is never going to step up - is that what you want for your life..... a partner in nothing but name? Would you be better off calling a truce now and both of you moving on independently rather than waiting till bitterness and hurt force you apart anyway?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 09/09/2019 07:31

Here it's just us (+ our baby) living in the outskirts and jobs we aren't too fond of. Anyways it is what it is...who needs a little support after all

I appreciate this is obviously a very stressful and emotional time for you but what you are asking is not just a little support.

You have a young child that's the perfect way to begin making new friends and a new social circle where you currently live. I agree with a PP it does sound like you are so fixated on what you have left behind that you are putting off creating a new life in London.

Its also worth nothing that even if neither of you are that keen on your jobs at least in London you both have a job. Realistically are you both going to be able to find employment immediately if you move?

You could sadly find yourself 6 months down the line with no savings, no jobs and no free time as you are spending it all caring for your parents. Its hard to see it written down but I think you do need to see it wont all be better simply because you have moved back to where you used to live.

Cyberworrier · 09/09/2019 07:33

I can completely understand you wanting to do this. People saying she’d be taking them from friends and family, she’d also be getting her friends and family back and letting her child grow closer to them. Whereabouts are your family OP? Having Scottish family, some of whom have moved south for the weather, I can get that rain is an issue for some. However, I also know lots of English people who love the landscape etc enough to put up with the weather.
Could you rent your london house and rent in Scot, might make it seem less scary and permanent? How easy will it be to get jobs where your family are?

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2019 07:39

It is a huge ask though particularly with job opportunities and you seem to think of it as a permanent move. It won’t be it would be difficult to move back

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 09/09/2019 07:45

If he isn't willing to help come up with workable scenarios that tell you a lot about your 'life partner' and who he thinks is the most important in your relationship!

What workable solution is there when your partner says they want to move your whole life to Scotland and you don't want to move? Surely your options are move or stay put and support your partner in making as many visits to Scotland as they can.

There isn't really much you can compromise on if you don't want to move and the other person in the relationship does.

NoCauseRebel · 09/09/2019 07:45

If it was the DH wanting to move the Op would be told to ltb as he was being selfish.

OP, moving when your marriage isn’t in a good place is never going to be a good idea. I did this. We moved for DH’s job, and i was considered to be the selfish one as it would cut his commute and he was the breadwinner after all. The marriage was already in trouble, in fact we had held off moving before because the marriage was having difficulties, but as soon as things improved he pushed the issue again and I had no ability to refuse.

Ten months after we moved here we split up. And I was left here with no family, no friends because it would have been selfish to take DS away from his dad.

I now have life limiting health problems and am. Not in a position to move now, or to work. I have a partner who doesn’t live here and whose job is such that it’s virtually impossible to move that so we will likely never live together either.

Mine is a worse case scenario, but I would never again move for someone else. Especially not if my relationship with that person wasn’t in a good place.

MrsA2015 · 09/09/2019 07:45

Go with your gut and push the move, sounds like you’ve already made your mind up to leave him I really hope you sort this. I personally am living the flip side to this story, PIL are elderly and need us however I’m digging my heels in as they have 8 adult (35+) DC my DH being the youngest and I refuse to do the lionshare of the care at the expense of my sanity. The rest are lazy CF

DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 07:46

Surely the important part is that DH doesn't want to move? They are living in London, that's where they have chosen to build their lives. Now it's the op who has changed her mind. Unless they were originally in Scotland and moved south with the agreement that it was a temporary move I don't see why the husband is wrong for not wanting to uproot his whole life to move to a place that he doesn't want to go to.

When you decided to settle here op and particularly before you had a baby did you not consider what would happen if your parents became ill or needed help? If so, what was your plan?

adaline · 09/09/2019 07:48

Genuine question OP - supposing you do move and become mortgage free - are you really going to want to sell up and move back to London in a few years time?

Especially given that you'll be settled closer to home, with no mortgage and your DD in school? Of course you're not - and your husband knows that.

He's well aware that you're going to want to stay there and while I don't necessarily blame you - he obviously doesn't want that. Would you move 400 miles for him if he asked?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/09/2019 07:51

How does he sound lazy and selfish? Becauae he doesn't want to move over 400 miles to somewhere he doesn't want to live has no job there

ArabellaDoreenFig · 09/09/2019 08:01

OP if the situation were reversed and your DH was asking to move 400 miles and uproot your lives so he could be back home to support his parents what would your reaction be ?

I understand exactly how you feel- I moved away from my home (not as far it’s about a 4 hr car journey) and my parents are in very poor health, but, and this is the hard reality of life sometimes, your parents haven’t got long left on this earth, and yes you need to spend time with them, but you also have a very long life after they have gone, and you need to consider that.

Roselilly36 · 09/09/2019 08:07

It must be a difficult time, of course you feel you want to help your parents, but can other arrangements be made? Could you visit more regularly? Are there siblings or other relatives that can help support your parents? Just because your parent has signed DNR doesn’t mean that their death will be imminent. What do you think you want in future, assuming one of your parent remains? Do you want to move? Do you want out of the marriage. Only you know the answers. But I agree with PP it is quite an ask, unless you had made your future intentions clear at the start.

DecomposingComposers · 09/09/2019 08:07

You're in a difficult situation now anyway aren't you because you have a child. Even if your marriage ends how easy will it be for you to move away? Presumably your DH could stop you from moving his child 400 miles away?

Original poster

Bubs8219 · 09/09/2019 08:08

" a little support" is more in the day to day...it's having an occasional helping hand . And the mortgage free chat is just an option to save the upkeep here...and even if bought we would still have option to move back etc

I've lived away for almost 20years ...the issue isn't not being settled it's about being near those I care very much about while trying to keep everything else together. I've got the mummy friends too 😀

The move is clearly too much to ask at a stage in our life where it should be easiest

OP posts:

BonneMa · 09/09/2019 08:13

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis

how do you want imagine you both will find a nursery and new jobs on a temporary basis for both? and then moving back and starting to hunt for jobs (house/flat too?) again?

what if your parents need long term support?

I think it's a big as and YABU.

BarbariansMum · 09/09/2019 08:13

Thi g is, its unlikely to be temporary. When you are there and settled w settled children, the chances of you agreeing to move away again are slim to none.

LaurieMarlow · 09/09/2019 08:14

OP try to think honestly about how you’d feel if the situation was reversed.

It’s a huge ask. He doesn’t want to go and frankly why would he?

Beautiful3 · 09/09/2019 08:14

Could you build a granny flat and have them move to you?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 09/09/2019 08:14

.and even if bought we would still have option to move back etc

But as others have correctly pointed out if he agreed to the move with a view of it being temporary you and he both know that you would not choose to move back.

He would be effectively agreeing to remain living in Scotland for the rest of his life as he wouldn't be able to move away even if the marriage ended because of your child.

You obviously have friends and family in Scotland but if you split up he would most likely end up with nobody and be living in a place he didn't want to be. Which would be an incredibly horrid position to potentially leave someone you profess to care about in.

Clayplease · 09/09/2019 08:17

I completely understand why you feel like this. I think there are some good ideas here, I would strongly suggest couple counselling- we did this when our DD was 7 months old and things were really bad, DP was v angry with me for arranging it - but I said 'well obviously things are bad, what's your idea?' He didn't have any suggestions. Basically I made him go and within 10 mins of starting the session he was actually realising it wasn't so bad and we continued for months, it was extremely helpful and saved our relationship. (N London) - now 9 years later relationship is best it's ever been- are you sure you want to leave?

We ended up moving to the SW to be closer to my parents, our quality of life is hugely better and he loves it here, luckily. But if we hadn't had the counselling our relationship wouldn't have survived.

I think marriage first (continue regular visits to parents as often as you can) then see if you can spend some extended time in Scotland? Could you go for 2 weeks then back for 2 weeks or is it really that you want to move back permanently? I can completely understand both wanting to see your very poorly parents and wanting to move back. Good luck with it all

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2019 08:20

You are downplaying exactly how big an ask it is. Moving country giving up his job and prospects (London job market is different to other places) and once you sell in London it’s hard to come back (can you really see getting a mortgage and smaller house) and it would become a chicken and egg situation where what would come first the mortgage getting and house or job in a London

It’s the hardest time to do it

flouncyfanny · 09/09/2019 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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