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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to move home so I'm closer to sick parents??

116 replies

Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 20:06

Long story short both parents are sick. Dad just signed a DNR and mum still recovering from stroke she had whilst I was 6months pregs

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis and he refused. Said he would miss the sunshine & "opportunities" & didn't want to move north to wait for my parents to die???

Don't really fancy having a failed marriage though equally not feeling so valued either. Thoughts?

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/09/2019 21:02

It not temporary though if you need to find a new house, new jobs, new friends etc.

I don't think your DH is unreasonable to say no 400 miles is a blooming long way and presumably you have a life where you currently live? It's a lot to just give up and I don't blame him for not wanting to do so without thinking through the logistics, the trouble here is you are thinking with your heart and he is thinking practically with his head.

Teachermaths · 08/09/2019 21:05

If you're as uncommunicative in real life as you are on this thread I'm not surprised your marriage is rocky.

You have lots of different problems.
The main one if your marriage. Sort that out first.

Cryalot2 · 08/09/2019 21:07

Your heart sounds with your parents.
Is your rocky marriage fixable or would you prefer to be with your parents. Only you can honestly answer .
I wish you well. It is hard , you are not asking much. Only to spend time with your poorly parents. He should be supporting you.

Teachermaths · 08/09/2019 21:10

you are not asking much.

She's asking a hell of a lot. A 400 mile move, quitting 2 jobs, a new house. Moving away from friends and family.
None of these are small things.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/09/2019 21:12

He should be supporting you.

I agree the Op needs support as she's clearly having a difficult time with regards to her parents illnesses but he doesn't need to move 400 miles away to be supportive.

Scarlett555 · 08/09/2019 21:18

I am sorry about your parents but YABU. Moving from London to Scotland is a huge ask.

You will just have to plan your weekends so you see them regularly. Can you get the sleeper train or fly so it's not such a long car journey?

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 08/09/2019 21:25

Practically we could be mortgage free, have more time with our little girl (far less commuting time), more time for each other (extended family/friends to babysit instead of being isolated here), time to have hobbies or for him to finish his part time studies whilst being closer to support my parents.

Agree it was never something I expected to ask him when we first got together 7yrs ago however life sometimes changes paths & would have hoped to have someone by my side to help navigate through it instead of feeling the way I do.

Anyways thanks for your responses

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 08/09/2019 21:27

I do sympathise but I feel you are asking a lot. Are there similar opportunities in your home area? Thdifficulty you have is even if you split, he could go to court to stop you relocating with the baby. It happened to someone I know

bunnypenny · 08/09/2019 21:35

Is your husband Scottish? Does he have any friends up there? Where would you move to (small town/big city)? Does he like his lifestyle now? Would he be happy with the massive pay cut? Would he be happy with the “small town” mentality of Scotland, and potential lack of anonymity?

Sounds like you haven’t discussed it with him and he gave a knee jerk reaction. This is a huge ask, but I appreciate you’re in a tough situation. Speak to him, have the chat. Be open, honest, vulnerable. As others have said, and you yourself have implied, you’re not asking for a temporary move, especially if you’re considering buying a house up there. What would happen if he uproots his life and relocates on the basis of what you asked? Would you stick to your word of it being temporary and move back to London? Somehow I doubt it.

You want him to help navigate the changes that life has thrown at you. Have you asked him? Have you told him how you’re feeling?

Hopesorfears · 08/09/2019 21:47

How can an entire country have a "small town" attitude? Hmm

TeacupDrama · 08/09/2019 21:55

It is not a temporary ask though is it once you sell in London and go mortgage free in Scotland you are not going to want to move back afterwards it will cost too much, if it was temporary you would rent your London home out and rent in Scotland so you could move back with a couple of months notice.
We live on West coast of Scotland average annual rainfall 2500mm rain compared to under a 1000 in London, it depends where in Scotland myDH is from north east Scotland which is colder but drier, he finds the heavy rainfall 2 out of 3 days difficult we are retiring to somewhere drier in England, 400 miles from London is Glasgow or Edinburgh could you move an hour north of London close to either west or east coast mainline so you can commute straight into Euston one way and straight to Glasgow the other

Maybe DH is worried re anti English stuff in Scotland as part of Brexit indy ref 2 fallout

TitianaTitsling · 08/09/2019 22:05

"small town mentality bunny?! Really? Yes it's a small country but that doesn't mean it's a homogeneous mass!!

Davros · 08/09/2019 22:11

i think you are having a knee jerk reaction. I don't understand how people move away from family and are then taken by surprise when they can't be there to support them

bunnypenny · 08/09/2019 22:17

@TitianaTitsling yup and it always rains, everyone’s tight, and our favourite film is Braveheart. And don’t get me started on everyone wearing kilts. 😉

Pikapikachooo · 08/09/2019 22:19

Neither is BU
I think your only option is to say OK , and explore ways for you to be there more frequently if possible
Wishing you the best

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/09/2019 22:38

It's a massive move and ask - it's a completely different life - especially if it's rural Scotland. Unless DH can get a job which would actually be "better" unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to agree

God this is going to sound awful but you could uproot your entire lives and move there only for it all to be over within a year in which case what would happen then? You'd stick it out up there or then have to move back? Which is more upheaval

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/09/2019 22:39

Also depending on Brexit and maybe another Scottish referendum it could be more than just 400 miles it could be a completely different country 😉

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2019 23:01

Practically we could be mortgage free, have more time with our little girl (far less commuting time), more time for each other (extended family/friends to babysit instead of being isolated here), time to have hobbies or for him to finish his part time studies whilst being closer to support my parents

Originally you mentioned a temporary move, but this sounds more as if you'd like to move back long term ... is this perhaps what's worrying him?

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 09/09/2019 06:25

I guess I never appreciated how much rain could be an issueHmm

If nothing else the comments made me laugh at the Scottish stereotypes and appreciate even although it's pulling me in many directions the close family connection I have (even being the distant daughter)

OP posts:
adaline · 09/09/2019 06:31

I'm not sure I would move 400 miles away if my marriage was on the rocks either!

That's a huge thing to ask of someone even when things are going well - new job, new school, new house - plus it sounds as though you wouldn't want to move back to London afterwards either.

Your talk of being mortgage free and closer to friends and family screams to me that this would be a permanent move.

saraclara · 09/09/2019 06:57

If my marriage wasn't good, no way would I agree to such a huge upheaval.
And anything involving selling up and giving up/getting two jobs can't be seen as temporary in any meaningful way.

If you could let out your London home for a year and rent in Scotland, maybe temporary would mean something, but as you describe it, I can't see it and neither will your husband.

This would be a really tough decision even if your marriage was rock solid and happy. But in your husband's position, no way would I want to do it.

Original poster
Bubs8219 · 09/09/2019 07:06

Nothing is permanent more just at this stage in our life's financially we would be sorted & I could try and balance my relationship, baby, job, family issues a bit closer to home than afar

Here it's just us (+ our baby) living in the outskirts and jobs we aren't too fond of. Anyways it is what it is...who needs a little support after all

OP posts:
Fatshedra · 09/09/2019 07:09

If both parents are very ill and there are not other siblings then extra time saved from a shorter commute will soon disappear in visits to DPs and hospital appointments.
You need to find a good incentive for DH to move and to be more realistic about what it will mean long term.
How old are DPs.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/09/2019 07:13

Lots of questions need addressing before any move. Main one being why is the marriage on the rocks?

Dyrne · 09/09/2019 07:19

You talk about needing a “little support” but moving 400 miles away isn’t a “little” support! This isn’t really about your parents, it’s about the fact that you regret moving away and want to go back.

I get it, OP, I really do - I moved 100 miles away from my friends and family and would move back in a heartbeat if DP agreed. It got to the stage where I was putting off having a life here because I was constantly wanting to travel down to see old friends/family. Eventually i realised that one of the reasons I hadn’t settled was because i’d Never really made the effort to make friends here.

Use the baby and make friends where you are so you feel more settled. Join a few baby groups until you find one with nice people you can get on with then reach out and suggest meeting for coffee and cake.

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