To ask my husband to move home so I'm closer to sick parents??

[Bubs8219]

Long story short both parents are sick. Dad just signed a DNR and mum still recovering from stroke she had whilst I was 6months pregs

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis and he refused. Said he would miss the sunshine & "opportunities" & didn't want to move north to wait for my parents to die???

Don't really fancy having a failed marriage though equally not feeling so valued either. Thoughts?

Unless you both manage to find very high paying jobs in Scotland and then again a few years later, if you move out of London now, you won't ever be able to afford to move back.

What you are asking is huge. you need to be honest about what you're expecting here, because you don't seem to see the reality, and yabu.

He sounds unsympathetic and unsupportive. and he's being a bit selfish if he honestly doesn't like his job and the his only ties are you and DD.

I swear other people live in a different universe. Most people don't like their jobs it doesn't mean they should agree to move 400 miles away from everything they have built up, to a place where they have no job or friends and they crucially don't actually want to move to just because their partner says so.

Of course he has more ties than his wife and child and if this was reversed everyone would be saying it was reckless to move without a job in place.

if things are rocky, then other than him, what's to stop you?

Errm they have a child together are you seriously suggesting its not selfish and cruel to split up and move that child 400 miles away! He's an equal parent and shouldn't be coerced into a move just so he doesn't lose his child.

OP, how do you think you'd want to feel when your parents die? (Horrible to even contemplate, I know). Do you want to feel very sad but glad that you moved home and could see them and did what you could for them? Could you cope with your regret or guilt at not having seen them much because of living so far away?

I think only you really know how family-oriented you are and the depths of your feelings about this.

I am very family-oriented and I know that I would want to move back home (I probably wouldn't have moved so far in the first place) because I wouldn't want to regret not having been there.

It's things like this that really show how compatible you and a partner are. Okay, you perhaps should have thought of this before moving so far away but you probably didn't think your parents would be so ill this early in your life.

If you and your DH's views on family are totally incompatible and you have a rocky marriage anyway, maybe you have more to gain by moving home.

If you are both unhappy in your jobs anyway it sounds like a good idea to change them.

Do you think you could look into job opportunities back home. What about you moving back temporarily and securing some temporary work and seeing whether a bit of space helps the two of you decide how you feel about your relationship going forward?

I don't envy you being in such a difficult situation and wish you well.

We moved out of London to Home Counties - we will never be able to afford to move back.

You haven't said whether you have siblings?

How often can you visit?

Where do your in-laws live? How far away from them will you be?

I understand why you want to do this. I was in a very similar position 6 years ago. We didn't move but I travelled a lot. Not the same but it worked.

Honestly he would be mad to do this, you don't know how long this would be for, possibly months, possibly years. After going you might not want to return. He would be far far better off staying and then if you left him he could point that out in court when asking for access rights and try to use that to make you deliver your child to him for eow instead of him having to collect them.

Oh and with respect to the rain, I've known lots and lots of people to move house just to live somewhere with less rain. I've done it myself, a 20 mile move because of better weather 20 miles away on the other side of a mountain and then a 40 mile round trip commute a day back. It's worth the commute esp when I leave the office and drive out of the rain into the dry.

f you're as uncommunicative in real life as you are on this thread I'm not surprised your marriage is rocky.

That comment is really helpful because communicating on an Internet forum and in real life are the same thing

How 'temporary' would you imagine this to be? What help are your parents getting from social services?

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your parents. This is such a hard time for you.

I agree with the posters querying your use of the word 'temporary'. If you got a new house and new jobs, are you really saying you'd jack it all in in a couple of years and move back down south?

I'm from London, and I'm not saying I'd never consider moving to Scotland if my DH wanted to, but it would be a massive deal for me!

I can understand he may not want to move, it's a big ask. But that doesn't mean you can't spend more time with your parents. How flexible is your job? Could you work four days and spend long weekends with them. It's up to him if he doesn't want to move, but he can't tell you that you can't be there more toward the end of your parents lives. There is always a compromise.

I think only those who have been through similar can understand this ask. For me, it doesn't seem like a big ask. And coupled with all the other ways it could make your lives better, it seems like a pretty good idea.

It's something that DH and I have discussed a lot with regard to our ageing parents (well, just his as I now have no parents). I was able to visit my mum in her final years since her diagnosis fairly easily and I am so glad that I could. When we were called to the hospital the day before she died I was there in less than an hour.

It sounds like you have come up with many reason why it would work and your DH has come up with - the sunshine. It's not good enough, IMO.

The thing is OP that this isn't a small thing that you're asking, nor is it easy or advisable at this stage of your lives. I'm assuming you're in your 30s? This is the time when you really build your career. If you up sticks and move to Scotland, where there are fewer opportunities, it could be career suicide! Similarly, even if you can live mortgage free up there, what about moving back down south? You may never get back on the property ladder down here if you both step back from your careers and study or whatever for x number of years.

Also, I can't help noticing that the tone of your post is very wistful. I can't help feeling that when the time comes for you to move back down south you'll dig your heels in and say you don't want to and I suspect that your DH knows that. You want to go 'home', but he has no reason to want to move to Scotland. Yes, he could do so as a kind gesture to you at this difficult time of your life, but I can completely understand him not wanting to strand himself up there, in a country that is threatening to break with the rest of the UK.

I know it's hard for you, but I'm afraid I completely understand your DH's position. FWIW, my MIL is 77 and alone and living 3,000 miles from us. If DH asked me to move closer to her, I'm afraid I'd say 'no' too. Our life is here. Our home is here. But I would wholeheartedly support him in making regular visits to see her.

OP you can get to Scotland with a cheap EasyJet flight from London in just over an hour. Why not just go up each weekend or second weekend and see your parents?
Or you move up temporarily and stay in your parents’ home, and fly back for weekends, or DH flies up to join you after his work on Fri night.
There are people who work in London for part of the week and fly home to Scotland or wherever for weekends.
If your DH came up to Scotland for weekends, he might slowly grow more familiar with it and be able to contemplate a permanent move, too.

It sounds like you have come up with many reason why it would work and your DH has come up with - the sunshine. It's not good enough, IMO.

Well his reasons also include their jobs, friends and that he likes where they live and the life they have now. All very valid points and none of what the OP has suggested is set in stone. It's all well and good saying we will get new jobs and have a house with no mortgage but that doesn't mean that will happen.

Not to mention the fact that he doesn't want move 400 miles which should be reason enough in most peoples eyes.

For a rocky marriage where he knows no one and doesn't want to be? No way. If he agrees and the marriage ends you will want to stay there and he will either have to abandon his child or be trapped in Scotland for the next 17 years. No way. I think you're going to have to travel back and forth to see them.

OP you haven't responded to questions about how feasible it is to move your parents down to London (even on a temporary basis)

Heads do they? I haven't read that, the OP has however said that he doesn't seem to like his job, they are isolated and he would be able to finish his studies and have time for hobbies. She also said if she'd suggested a move to Australia he'd do it in a shot.

I wouldn't move 400 miles to an area where I wouldn't know anyone but my husband's friends and family if my marriage was rocky. It just doesn't seem like a wise decision. If the marriage fails he'll be trapped in a place he never would have chosen to live in or if he does leave, forced to live hours away from his child.

the OP has however said that he doesn't seem to like his job, they are isolated and he would be able to finish his studies and have time for hobbies.

Its all just speculation and looking at it through rose tinted glasses though at this stage. He isn't isolated and neither is the Op as they have friends. He possibly wont finish his studies, he probably wont get another job immediately and I doubt he would have time for hobbies whilst the OP cares for her parents and they juggle raising a child. Its so easy to say what could happen but none of this is guaranteed.

At this stage all that's certain is that if they left London they would have to leave their jobs, their home and their friends. Its a lot to lose when there's no certainty over what is to be gained.

She also said if she'd suggested a move to Australia he'd do it in a shot.

Many people would agree to that in conversation especially after a shit day at work but in reality very few would actually put plans in action to move. Its one thing to say it but another entirely to go through with it and has no bearings on the OP's current situation.

I think it's a huge thing to ask of him, and if he doesn't want to move there then he doesn't want to move.

However, I think there are some really crappy attitudes towards ageing parents on this thread too. Get your siblings to look after them is fine when you're not the sibling who is expected to do the work. Particularly if the absent sibling arrives once every couple of months for a visit and then complains that things aren't being done to their satisfaction.

And trying to persuade elderly parents to uproot and move 400 miles away just means that when the inevitable happens and one of them is left widowed, they get to see out their days in loneliness and isolation. Because whilst they are in their own area they'll most likely have friends and neighbours who might pop in for a chat, but once they've gone no one is going to travel 400 miles to see them.

And as for the comment about how clearly the OPs parents haven't been very supportive, their 'crime' appears to be that they live far away.

No one is obliged to move home to care for their elderly parents but just saying 'well, someone else will do it' is a pretty selfish attitude. Help them work out a proper plan for what to do when they need help, but 'X lives ten miles away, she can do it' shouldn't be that plan.

OP you haven't responded to questions about how feasible it is to move your parents down to London (even on a temporary basis)

Seriously? No elderly person wants to be moved 400 miles from their family, friends, doctor and support network in the twilight of their life. The only exception I can think of is if the person has severe dementia and so is unaware of where they are.

“The move is clearly too much to ask at a stage in our life where it should be easiest”

I’m not sure that being in middle of a career and with young children is the easiest stage of life for a move from a capital city to the sticks. Your DH & you would be putting your careers on ice. That can have a massive bow wave for your future in terms of costs raising kids and costs of retirement.

I can sympathize with your situation though. My mom died 19yrs ago, but my dad is getting up there and getting frailer. He lives in a foreign country and refuses to set foot in the US. But I am thinking I should try and move there for his last years. Except I too have young children....And my DH is doing a start up business.

It’s agony isn’t it? I may end up paying for a local carer to help him out.

@Becles ridiculous suggestion. You think moving elderly parents away from their homes, friends, medical care, loves etc is a feasible solution? Really?

OP I was obviously being flippant with Scottish stereotypes 😉 I’m in a similar situation tho, I moved away from the West Coast (Ayrshire) about 20years ago, and now live in North London with my husband and wee boy. Five years ago by Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer: he died 2.5years ago.

During the time of his illness, it was very hard being down here, and even now it’s hard knowing my mum is alone. That being said, they would never have wanted me to give up my life down here to move home to help, they would have felt terribly guilty - have you asked your parents what they think? Are you genuinely wanting to move so you can help out or is it because you’re looking to escape unhappiness down here and your parents’ illnesses/frailty is a perfect excuse? What about your husband’s parents? Are they well and fit? If so, what happens in future if they become unwell and he wants to move to be closer to them?

It’s a horrible situation and having been through similar, I really feel for you. I want to move back eventually (to Edinburgh) but that’s a conversation to have with my husband in due course. Thankfully his job is flexible (mine less so) but it’s a big conversation to have and one that requires much discussion.

Thinking of you.

Re career it really depends on what their jobs are, doesn’t it? I know a physiotherapist, IT contractor and librarian who have moved to Scotland from London, and some artists/academics. If it’s City type jobs, that’s usually the other way from my friends and family moving south for better prospects. I know a few families where one stays in london Monday to Thursday, working from home on the Friday, family in Scotland. Really depends on your income/job level if that is feasible I guess? I think there would be some attractive things for lots of people about raising their family not in a big city (I know we still don’t know where in Scot OP means... but nowhere is as big as london!)

I’m not sure that being in middle of a career and with young children is the easiest stage of life for a move from a capital city to the sticks

where has the OP said her parents live in the sticks? Or do you assume that's what Scotland consists of?

As for the suggestion that her parents move - some people have no fucking idea. Hope your DC are as bloody empathetic when you;re recovering from a stroke. JFC.

I'd just like to point out that it is possible to move from London to, say, Edinburgh, and still have a stellar career. I know a lawyer who did just that, she earns a fortune and lives in a 6 bed house in Edinburgh for a fraction of the price the same in London would cost her.