To ask my husband to move home so I'm closer to sick parents??

[Bubs8219]

Long story short both parents are sick. Dad just signed a DNR and mum still recovering from stroke she had whilst I was 6months pregs

Asked my husband if he would consider moving on temporary basis and he refused. Said he would miss the sunshine & "opportunities" & didn't want to move north to wait for my parents to die???

Don't really fancy having a failed marriage though equally not feeling so valued either. Thoughts?

Have you asked your parents if they actually need this much help ? Do they have others in Scotland who are giving support ? Your parents might be horrified to hear that you're considering this huge move, giving up jobs, going to live near them.

My DD lives as far away as you do - if I was ill I'd be stupefied if she announced that she was dropping everything to come and look after me. I'd tell her to stop being dramatic - and to come and visit me every few weeks to see how I was.

When in doubt, ask the person involved.

I think it's a huge ask. I've moved twice for my dh, abroad for a year and then to NE Scotland. Our marriage is pretty solid but there are points where I'm hugely resentful. His immediate family are fairly close, mine are not. My Grandmother died last month and we had a full day of traveling to make the funeral for example. We have a big house in a lovely village in easy commuting distance of a city but it's been hard to adapt and it's only now, 6 years in that it's starting to feel like "home".

I think where in Scotland would also be a factor? Are you talking rural or city? Does he have any friends or family here or are they just yours?

You need to answer some of the questions @Bubs8219

@CassianAndor
“where has the OP said her parents live in the sticks? Or do you assume that's what Scotland consists of?”

Sorry, did not mean “sticks” in an offensive way. I am just used to hearing that anywhere that is outside a capital city is referred to as “the sticks.” Sticks = not capital city. Sticks includes other major cities, but they’re not the capital.

I really sympathise with your situation but you are asking a lot of your husband. Quit his job and move hundreds of miles away? How long is temporary? A year? 10 years? If dh asked me to do this I would say no.

Would he be happy with the “small town” mentality of Scotland, and potential lack of anonymity?

Seriously? What a stupid, ignorant and frankly offensive post to make about a whole country.

Where about in Scotland? Are we talking Edinburgh or somewhere remote?

Doctor no, unless you;re speaking disparagingly, 'the sticks' is the countryside, the back of beyond.

Scotland is not 'the sticks'!

Surely if the husband doesn't want to move 400 miles away then that's that?

If op moves to Scotland without him how is she going to facilitate him swing his child? Presumably it will be on her to bring the child to see the father as she moved away? Unless of course the child stays here with dad.

@LagunaBubbles wind your neck in, I’ve already said it was a flippant comment about my own country.

That is a massive ask. It's just London and Scotland and only a temporary ask.... My nan's "temporary ask" turned into a 15 year slog of dementia and very, very slow decline. These things can take years - o wouldn't put that as "temporary.

you already asked him. he said no. So, what is your Aibu?

I feel for OP. If she and her husband aren’t very happy and she is close to, and worried about, her parents, i can completely see how she really wants to be closer to them. It sounds like a really difficult situation and must be horrible to feel so torn.

I'm sorry but I think YABU and I would give the same answer as your DH.

Had you suggested renting in London and in Scotland it might have been different. You are suggesting selling in London and buying in Scotland mortgage free and that sounds permanent to me because your chance of being able to afford to buy in London when it's time to return will be zero, plus I don't think you have any intention of returning.

Other PP have asked if you have siblings living near to your parents? If so, you can perhaps share visiting with them, maybe ask your employer to temporarily allow you to work four days a week?

With all the best will in the world yabu. He is entirely valid in his choice to not want this. If your marriage is already on the rocks then him moving then resenting you for it could likely spell the end of your marriage anyway.

I think you have important decisions to make regarding your next steps and indeed your marriage. I'm sorry you are in this position but this is just a step too far and in his position I would have also said no.

Is it a temporary ask? You said you've felt a drive to go back, including your rocky marriage. Perhaps he worries you'd go back temporarily then when settled would choose to stay leaving him in your hometown (uncomfortable), surrounded by a ready made support system of relatives/friends you already had (isolated to him) rather than returning. Or would end the relationship while up there.

I do think it's a huge ask. He needs to be more supportive of you visiting your parents though and it sounds like he's not.