To not understand the disbelief shown when friends learn myself and DP have never argued?

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Just that really.

Been with DP 5 years this month. We live together, no DC yet.

And we've never had a row. The only time we've come close is in the car, being lost / stressed. But we usually diffuse those situations with humour.

When friends find out we've never rowed / fallen out / shouted at each other, they think we're either lying / exaggerating, one of us must be a pushover, or are relationship is weird. We don't feel By of that is true.

We both grew up in broken homes, mine was also a violent home. I've argued with previous partners and so has he. But we just get on in a drama free existence together.

That said, life hasn't been easy, we've had a lot thrown at us over the last five years, including my mum dying due to addiction a few months ago. But we get through hard times.

This genuinely isn't a stealth boast BTW. I'm wondering if we're odd / weird / not normal for not having arguments.

Some couples I know seem to thrive on arguments and make up sex. I couldn't deal with the stress!

Obviously something else is going wrong there or you’d be married by now

What a ridiculous thing to say. Not everyone sees marriage as the holy grail, you know.

I don't believe however that any couple never argues though. They must be either very lacking in passion or just plain fibbers.

The arguments where DP and I don’t shout can sometimes be the worst ones.

I bet you “calm discussion” types are all classic MN tinkly laughs and head tilts and “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”

INFURIATING.

It depends what you call an 'argument', surely.
This. Does argument have to involve shouting? Does it have to be heated? Is there a universal difference between argument , debate, bickering, fight, disagreement or does it mean different things to different people.

You wouldn't get a couple who were passionate about politics, or literature, or feminism/socialism/whatever never arguing, because it's good, and healthy, to explore ideas, challenge each other, and share opinions.

I literally laughed out loud at this because I can assure you that my DP both have VERY strong views on all these things - our respective friends rib us about our strong opinions all the bloody time!

Of course we share opinions with one another and we don't always agree - generally we do, but not always. But we don't argue - we're more likely to joke about it, really.

Not everyone wants to treat our relationship like a undergraduate debating society. We both have jobs that involve a lot of persuasion, discussion and negotiation. The last thing we want to do when we get home is have a heated debate with each other over dinner.

I find it genuinely weird that some people can't accept that some couples just get along really bloody well. It doesn't mean there's no passion. It doesn't mean one of them is under the thumb. It doesn't mean they don't have strong feelings on anything.

I can’t help feeling a little sorry for all the “you must have no passion types”

I’d be disappointed in myself if the only way to find passion in a marriage was through arguments

“Not everyone wants to treat our relationship like a undergraduate debating society”

This. My late father used to get annoyed when I wouldn’t discuss politics with him but I just find shouty people annoying.

I bet you “calm discussion” types are all classic MN tinkly laughs and head tilts and “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”

Nope.

I have arguments with other people. So does DP. We just don't row with each other.

As I said elsewhere in the thread, I used to think lots of rows in relationships were normal and then I met DP and discovered it didn't have to be like that.

I find it a bit weird that some people on here absolutely cannot accept that their way isn't the only way. There's no gold standard, you know. Everyone's different.

@dollydaydream114 Spot on.

We row and fall out with others from time to time, but never with each other.

I'm not sure how to do a tinkly laugh.

I get frustrated and angry at other people because I bite my tongue a lot. But with dh we are both honest right away and assume the best of each other.

Also I often read on here people going “omg dh left crumbs all over the kitchen side - he’s expecting me to wipe them up - he doesn’t respect me - I’m just a housekeeper to him... etc”
But if I see crumbs left I would think he must have been distracted or rushing and I’d either ignore and leave them for him to wipe up later or if I needed to cook then I’d wipe them and he’d come in later and say sorry for leaving the mess earlier. No drama.

I don't believe however that any couple never argues though. They must be either very lacking in passion or just plain fibbers.

Well then you're lacking an understanding that not everyone is like you.

For us, there aren't many things worth getting into arguments over. Any issue important enough to warrant it, we tend to agree on. Just the way it works for us. We have plenty of passion too!

Having a difference of opinion on certain issues is not a big deal, unless you're someone who can't handle others disagreeing with you and get stroppy about it. You see it on here all the time, people getting weirdly defensive and aggressive about other people making different choices to them. As if they feel personally attacked. I think these kind of people are the arguers.

DH and I didn't argue for about 5/6 years either, until we had kids!

They must be either very lacking in passion or just plain fibbers

We just save our passion for the bedroom.

We don’t argue . And neither of us shout .

We didn't argue for the first 7 years, until kids basically then had a few years of the odd stinker, then the last few have been all calm again. My mum never believed we didn't argue and said "you're not in love if you don't argue, you don't have that passion"
I'm glad we don't have firey passion, we are best mates and it's lovely living in a calm happy house.

“I find it genuinely weird that some people can't accept that some couples just get along really bloody well.”

I find it weird that some people equate getting along really well with not arguing.

I’ve been arguing with my DP for 23 years about what temperature our living room should be...

Obviously it’s not a huge deal so it doesn’t lead to shouting or insults or whatever the non arguers are classing as arguing, it also doesn’t indicate how well or not we get on.

It just doesn’t ever resolve itself because there isn’t a compromise we can come to and it comes up whenever one of us is feeling it’s the wrong temperature.

How are we defining argument?

Ask your OH how to tie shoe laces.

Sure fire way to start the fireworks going.

(Obviously my way is right and his is just plain weird)