To not understand the disbelief shown when friends learn myself and DP have never argued?

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Just that really.

Been with DP 5 years this month. We live together, no DC yet.

And we've never had a row. The only time we've come close is in the car, being lost / stressed. But we usually diffuse those situations with humour.

When friends find out we've never rowed / fallen out / shouted at each other, they think we're either lying / exaggerating, one of us must be a pushover, or are relationship is weird. We don't feel By of that is true.

We both grew up in broken homes, mine was also a violent home. I've argued with previous partners and so has he. But we just get on in a drama free existence together.

That said, life hasn't been easy, we've had a lot thrown at us over the last five years, including my mum dying due to addiction a few months ago. But we get through hard times.

This genuinely isn't a stealth boast BTW. I'm wondering if we're odd / weird / not normal for not having arguments.

Some couples I know seem to thrive on arguments and make up sex. I couldn't deal with the stress!

At my age (50s) I have seen a lot of married couples - blissfully happy ones, miserable ones and "normal" ones.

I do think it's odd when people say they've never disagreed and I honestly believe that there is one partner who either doesn't give a wotsit either way or is subjugating themselves for the sake of peace. If it's the former, then they must be a bland person, and if the latter then sooner or later the worm turns. Or maybe not. Bil and sil gush that they never argue. They don't. But sil goes along with every mortal thing bil does or says. Perhaps she truly believes she likes everything he likes or thinks his opinions are gospel, and indeed perhaps it works for them... but I don't think most normal people could sustain that year after year.

People saying they never have raised voices and talk about everything. How wearing! Sometimes it's better to have a bit of a rant to clear the air and then be friends. Probably the same people who think it's best to "reason" with toddlers all the time. The toddlers either don't get it or are giving the toddler equivalent of two fingers behind your back.

IME couples who say they "never argue" tend not to have strong opinions on things.

You wouldn't get a couple who were passionate about politics, or literature, or feminism/socialism/whatever never arguing, because it's good, and healthy, to explore ideas, challenge each other, and share opinions.

I think it boils down to how you define an argument within a marriage/ intimate relationship. I would say that an argument is a disagreement/ difference of opinion which leads to arguing/ shouting/ bickering/ sulking/ being quiet/ building resentment etc.
Just because someone backs down quickly (for example because they don't like confrontation) does not mean that an argument has not occurred imo.

Op it sounds like you and your dh have differing views on things which is good, however if you do have children have you discussed if you'll raise them vegan, which religious affiliation (if any), political/ world views?

Reading this is interesting to me. I've been with my DH 15 years and married for 10

I'm from an 'unbroken' home (to quote pp) and never ... I mean NEVER saw my mum and dad argue. His DPs on the other hand do have the odd disagreement but a happy marriage

I would say for the first 6 years we never argued. Not a raised voice, nothing! However, I realised that I was simply letting things go for fear of falling out and arguing. Many times I'd walk out of a room silently fuming but say nothing.

I realised that my parents who are wonderful, in not arguing in front of me, had left me with this unhealthy view that arguing meant the relationship would fail or divorce! I realised I had never argued with any previous partner for this reason. And despite being in my 30s at this point and knowing that arguing didn't mean breaking up, my natural instinct was to back away

Now we have frequent really healthy disagreements, no raised voices but I feel I can have a different view and we often compromise. And I'd say we've argued (no swearing or raised voices but heated and angry) maybe once or twice a year.

For me, I find this much healthier, I don't bottle things up or let things go. Sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes he's wrong and we always apologise and make up within hours. But personally, I'm happier this way. Not saying the OP is like this but I do think often not arguing is simply one person giving over to the other.

And also, just reading this can make it sound like DH was overbearing or controlling-not at all-I just never spoke up and as soon as I did he also agreed he felt better.

He said he never knew what my opinion was on anything or if I was just going with the flow and is happier I now disagree with him-he loves a good debate!

We never argued until we become parents. I think it may be because I find it hard being at home all day with a toddler when I’m usually an introvert who needs a bit of time alone to recharge. He can be quite stubborn sometimes too.

@NameChangedForTheDay

user1493759849 Are you for real?

You made personal remarks / accusations towards me...

I see how it is now, and I can see what kind of couple you and your DP are. (And what kind of person YOU are.)

Good luck to both of you. especially your DP, as he will need it.

Nice eh?

I categorically explained that DP and I have rowed in previous relationships. We do also argue with friends and family too. Just never with each other.

Yes, I will "argue" back on here. You're not my DP and I don't appreciate personal remarks. You can make a point in a post without casting aspersions.

And my comment about bad night wasn't passive aggressive at all. It was a joke, referring to your point about, just wait until you have kids. 🙄

Careful.... Your mask is beginning to slip.

And the 'personal comments' I made were AFTER you made your sarcastic, snidey, personal comments to me, with your passive aggressive grinning smiley. So you can give it out but not take it back eh?

I would love to be a fly on the wall in your house. I can imagine the exchanges between you and your DP are quite different to how you paint it on here!

@user1493759849

Absolutely no mask to slip here thanks.

I'm merely defending my OP and counteracting your accusations and nasty comments.

As I mentioned, I do argue with other people and again, as stated. The emoji was in reference to the not having kids yet. But if you want to twist it to meet your own agenda, that's fine. You can believe what you wish, but I can assure you than your psychoanalysis is way out on this ocassion.

Being a fly on my wall would be incredibly boring. We just get on and have a laugh. Not quite sure why it's so difficult to believe.

I find it odd that people think a difference of opinion is equal to an argument.

On the things that matter, DP and I are on the same page. When we disagree, we talk about it. We don't row. I don't know why some people find that so unbelievable, or have to undermine people in relationships like mine and OP's. There are lots of people saying the couples they knew who didn't argue actually had terrible relationships that ended, sometimes after affairs or abuse. Well the kind of relationships where people are fighting all the time are hardly likely to last. I would have thought treating each other with respect and discussing things rationally would be healthy tbh.

I always think arguing is good for the soul. It allows you to open up and get it alllll out. Not saying you have to smash plates or scream at each other but a good shout makes me feel better

I've known my DP for 20 years been together for 4 and we have never fallen out or argued either
Obviously something else is going wrong there or you’d be married by now

@Sakura7 exactly!

We don't agree on everything, not by a long shot. But we calmly talk and work it out, or sometime Mrs we have to agree to disagree. The EU referendum for example!

Clearly your husband does not cheat at board games.

Not quite sure why it's so difficult to believe

Because people have very little imagination in general and find it incredibly hard to contemplate anything outside their own little sphere.

I have friends(ish) who refuse to believe we managed a friendly divorce. They still say things like “oh he’ll show his true colours soon” or “just wait until you disagree”. I mean we’re almost 6 years in but still they seem to be salaciously hoping!

@Borisdaspide 😅😅 We've never played a board game. But are pretty competitive. So maybe we should try and see what happens.

@JacquesHammer Good points. Nicely made.

We never argue or fall out. We do disagree on things but usually find a solution. Neither of us looses our temper anyway and we’re not very emotional/ volatile people. But we do both say I’d the other is being unthinking or selfish and generally they’ll accept that.

OP and others who don't argue, I'm relieved to hear this

I'm single but don't have rows - I grew up in a shouty household and can't bear it. I know couples who will bicker in front of me I find it all a bit grim.

What is the difference between a disagreement and an argument? Surely that is very subjective. Is there a definite line?

What is the difference between a disagreement and an argument? Surely that is very subjective. Is there a definite line?

A disagreement is simply lack of consensus of opinion whereas an argument is usually heated/angry in exchange.

Married 29 years. We have the occasional spat, usually when we are both tired or have had too much to drink, but they never last long and we are both very apologetic afterwards. DH is a lovely easy going man and I’m pretty easy going too.

Great thread - apart from the silly comments.

I can quite see how some couples don't argue - with no swallowing rage/sweeping under the carpet etc.

I'm not one of them though. Too trigger happy I'm afraid. Would love to be calmer but I'm not. Just how it goes.

Also agree v poor taste to bring up an old thread - and go trawling for it? Please don't.

Again, I’d like to earwig on these very calm disagreements that you’re having to see if they don’t just sound like arguments from an outsider’s point of view.

We are exactly the same, I could've written your post. I think it's ridiculous when couples who bicker and say horrid things to each other say their relationship is healthy. I think they're deluded

I grew up with my parents arguing and having screaming matches probably daily, multiple times a day even. Us 4 kids would raise our voices a lot. Now as an adult I find that I am often, when passionate about something, prone to raise my voice unnecessarily. I hate it but it feels like such a natural part of me that I honestly don't even realise I'm doing it sometimes.

What is the difference between a disagreement and an argument? Surely that is very subjective. Is there a definite line?

It is subjective, I'm sure.

For me personally, I'd say that a disagreement for and DP is when we don't have the same view on something but we either a) just accept that we don't agree and and that this doesn't matter or b) come to a peaceful compromise with no drama. It's just a normal conversation really. Nobody gets cross or frustrated.

An argument/row would be when it gets more heated/angry/irritable and one/both of us is frustrated or upset that the other can't see or doesn't accept the validity of the opposite point of view.

"Again, I’d like to earwig on these very calm disagreements that you’re having to see if they don’t just sound like arguments from an outsider’s point of view"

for me, it's the shouting that's a problem. I have disagreements with people of course - but as long as everyone remains calm and polite, I don't call it an argument, if that makes sense.