To not understand the disbelief shown when friends learn myself and DP have never argued?

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Just that really.

Been with DP 5 years this month. We live together, no DC yet.

And we've never had a row. The only time we've come close is in the car, being lost / stressed. But we usually diffuse those situations with humour.

When friends find out we've never rowed / fallen out / shouted at each other, they think we're either lying / exaggerating, one of us must be a pushover, or are relationship is weird. We don't feel By of that is true.

We both grew up in broken homes, mine was also a violent home. I've argued with previous partners and so has he. But we just get on in a drama free existence together.

That said, life hasn't been easy, we've had a lot thrown at us over the last five years, including my mum dying due to addiction a few months ago. But we get through hard times.

This genuinely isn't a stealth boast BTW. I'm wondering if we're odd / weird / not normal for not having arguments.

Some couples I know seem to thrive on arguments and make up sex. I couldn't deal with the stress!

I find this interesting... with my first husband who I was married to for 10 years, we never argued at all. With my second husband who I am still married too (5 years) we argue pretty much all the time, we have heated debates and wild sex ... I say arguing is healthy. My DH and I are very passionate, I love how we argue about things it keeps us alive and raw. I guess it would only become an issue if we didn't kiss and make up after an argument.

My lovely late DH and I rarely argued. Our friends used to say if DH was any more laid back he’d have been horizontal!
He was utterly loving and supportive to me, which I really appreciated after my abusive childhood, with a father who had violent rages and a mother who was an unloving emotionally abusive narcissist. DH was so lovely, I never found anything major I needed to argue about with him, in our whole 16 years together until he died. I just adored him.

And yet earlier on in the month you posted a thread entitled I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

So I’m guessing trouble may be on the horizon

So I’m guessing trouble may be on the horizon

Babies are enough to destroy even the best couples!

I don’t think it matters whether people argue occasionally or never do, it depends on how ferocious it is and how it’s resolved. I don’t think people who never argue necessarily have a better/healthier relationship.

DH and I are a great team and 99% on the same page but earlier on in our relationship we had the occasional Eastenders style humdinger and mutual friends said we wouldn’t last but I think it helped us learn each other’s boundaries and how much certain issues mean to us. Although we can have heated debates, it rarely tips into a full on argument nowadays.

Those same mutual friends who smugly claimed they never argue either do the whole passive aggressive thing with their partners or one partner always gives in. I don’t think that’s anyway to live. If it was my child’s relationship, I’d rather them be in one where they have a 5 minute row and move on as opposed to always agreeing in order to keep the peace, being a drip without their own own voice/opinions or being passive aggressive and letting things simmer for ages.

I think more couples argue than not so that's where the disbelief comes from. Also some people will think that saying that you don't argue means that you never disagree and that's what they find unbelievable. I don't believe it's possible to never disagree. I know plenty of couples who don't argue though, they disagree but they're just calm people and things don't get heated. I've only known one couple who say they never disagree. In reality, the woman spent years giving in and I don't think she even has any views of her own anymore.

Personally I'd rather just have a quick argument than be generally bickering and get it over and done with.

DH would tell you that he has never argued which simply isn't true, he argues quietly and I argue loudly. His words are just as forceful as mine but he doesn't raise his voice when saying them. Also I'm much more emotional so I tend to cry when I'm angry.

We have been married for over 30yrs and together for almost 40. I would be lying if I said we'd never argued during that time. We've had some real humdingers sparked by nothing in particular. Having an argument doesn't mean there are problems per se though, it could be when we've been tired, stressed about work, elderly parents, lack of money. We are always quick to make up and neither of us are sulkers. We argue less as we get older simply because we know each other so well, the stress points of previous yrs aren't there and, frankly, it's too much effort. I bite my tongue much more than I did when I was younger.

As long as one of you isn't always backing down to keep the peace, or feeling that you are unable to have your say and be listened to I'd say be happy with whatever works for you.

But remember, getting things of your chest can be a good thing, it's not always destructive. And when there's a murder between husband/wife/partners it's always the quiet one who finally lost it

I knew someone who said the same. They never had a cross word. When we met they were busy planning their vow renewal for their 10th wedding anniversary. Fast forward a few years, I was astonished to see her on Jeremy Kyle saying she'd slept with a thousand men, dumped her dull husband and enjoyed dogging.

I'd believe it but I wouldn't make a judgement on it. I never ever argued with exH save one early on, and we were together for 14 years. Still divorced!

Fast forward a few years, I was astonished to see her on Jeremy Kyle saying she'd slept with a thousand men, dumped her dull husband and enjoyed dogging.

My Sister and her DH "never argue" either. She just snipes at him relentlessly and he takes it in good part luckily. I do think the "We Never Arguers probably have one very laid back person in the couple. I actually think that in most successful marriages one of the partnership tends to be benefitting from the arrangement much more than the other person but the other person just chooses to accept it, doesn't really mind or has been coerced or brainwashed into thinking they're so lucky to be in the relationship that they need to just accept the imbalance.

Another issue is that people often lack the imagination to understand that another relationship might have different ways of functioning and still be a good one. So they hurl accusations of lying, unfaithfulness or lacking in some other way, because if they couldn’t do it, how could someone else?
Only if they are looking at a successful relationship though.
So yes, DH and I occasionally disagree, don’t argue and in almost 40 years, I’ve never heard him shout. But what matters intensely to him often doesn’t to me, so I compromise. And vice versa. So arguments don’t happen. Discussions do.
But no, I don’t talk about it irl, other people’s contentment is often seen as smugness.

I'd be more surprised if you had kids and hasn't argued. DH and I rarely argue and when we do it's really more a disagreement. Shouting gets you nowhere!

My XP used to boast that we never argued.

It was because I didn't care enough about him and his issues to argue with him. I think sometimes creative arguing (not just ranting at the top of one's voice, but putting forward one's own point of view in the face of opposition from a partner) is something that cements a relationship. XP and I had absolutely nothing in common, therefore nothing to argue about.

We are both also from shouty broken homes,

Broken homes is such a narrow minded concept just because there's not two parents in it. My home was breaking when my abusive ex H was in it. It's intact, loving, serene and functioning brilliantly now he's gone.

@CarolDanvers , narrow minded how? Both of my parents were in the home too, but it was still broken. They separated when I was 19.

Everything turned into an argument, my dad was extremely volatile, possessive of my mother, we all walked on egg shells around him. She would leave him and we'd sigh a sigh of relief, only to bring us all back into the family home a week later for the cycle to start again. I never once saw them happy, or laughing together. I can only speak from my own personal experience, but my childhood has definitely impacted the way I conduct myself in a relationship (the opposite way.)

I think it depends how you ssy it. My friend was pleased to announce her and B never argue, then continued to say if she thinks he's getting upset she always backs down! Even if in the right! Or needing sonething. Nothing wrong with having differing opinions, you can express without arguing. She didn't get why it was dodgy.

DH and I aren't arguers.
The worst we've had is getting snippy, which did happen a bit when ds2 was refusing to sleep. It's hard to be calm and sensible when you've had about two hours of broken sleep in a week!
We do talk about things if we're not happy about something. I've got fibromyalgia and my health is slowly worsening so we've had discussions about what he needs to do, what I need to do and such. I've had to be firm about some things, but we talked about it.
An old friend of mine was asking me about how we make up after an argument and was shocked when I said we didn't argue. From what I gathered from her, she went into any conversation where she needed to bring up something negative with an immediate hostile attitude. She assumed it would be argued and inevitably there's be an argument. Maybe that's what worked for her relationship, but I really don't have the energy for that.

@lovemenorca

And yet earlier on in the month you posted a thread entitled I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.*

So I’m guessing trouble may be on the horizon!

Trouble? No, not at all. We've been having adult discussions about that, no rows here.

How odd of you to go trawling through my old posts to pull that out to post here.

It was a huge thread very recent
I remembered

We’re another couple of non archers too. Obviously we don’t always agree about things, so we discuss it. No arguing/sniping/bickering and definitely no shouting.
My best friend and her DH argue a lot and she tells me there’s obviously no passion in our relationship if we don’t argue . There’s plenty of passion, we just save it for the bedroom!

It sounds like your both very emotionally compatible. It's a good thing.

DH & I don't argue. Together over 30 years now. We just don't have argumentative personalities & we usually agree on things anyway. If we don't, we work things out calmly. I couldn't be in a relationship where arguments were normal, I was brought up with parents who fought & it's so stressful.

We never argued for the first 5 years we were together- then we became parents!

Together 14 years, married with 2 children. We've never argued. Recently, with the stress of young children, we can have disagreements, but they're not really arguments.