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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand the disbelief shown when friends learn myself and DP have never argued?

143 replies

NameChangedForTheDay · 08/09/2019 15:44

Just that really.

Been with DP 5 years this month. We live together, no DC yet.

And we've never had a row. The only time we've come close is in the car, being lost / stressed. But we usually diffuse those situations with humour.

When friends find out we've never rowed / fallen out / shouted at each other, they think we're either lying / exaggerating, one of us must be a pushover, or are relationship is weird. We don't feel By of that is true.

We both grew up in broken homes, mine was also a violent home. I've argued with previous partners and so has he. But we just get on in a drama free existence together.

That said, life hasn't been easy, we've had a lot thrown at us over the last five years, including my mum dying due to addiction a few months ago. But we get through hard times.

This genuinely isn't a stealth boast BTW. I'm wondering if we're odd / weird / not normal for not having arguments.

Some couples I know seem to thrive on arguments and make up sex. I couldn't deal with the stress!

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 08/09/2019 19:31

We're the same as you OP. Neither of us is a doormat or too passive. I actually take it as a sign that we're compatible. If an issue comes up we manage to discuss it in a calm manner. We're both pretty laid back and can't be dealing with unnecessary drama - we've both had that in the past either through difficult families or previous relationships. This feels nice and easy in comparison.

yellowish · 08/09/2019 19:36

We never used to argue. But after 20 years, 3 DCs, demanding jobs, extended family stress, dealing with Bad Things and Big Questions and the general hard stuff of adulting, we’re both more irritable than we used to be. I think it’s the everyday stuff more than anything. There’s a special sort of bone tiredness that sets in when you’re well past 40. We still have a strong foundation of deep love and respect but some bickering has crept in. We both recognize it and wish it wouldn’t happen but we always laugh about it later. I can foresee a time in the not too distant future when the DCs will hopefully be more independent and we can slow down in our jobs and reap the financial benefits of years of careful investing. I don’t think we will argue anymore then.

fivelittleducks1 · 08/09/2019 19:40

I wouldn't be in disbelief but I wouldn't think it was a healthy relationship.
If you're arguing all the time that obviously isn't a healthy relationship but I think the other extreme of never arguing isn't healthy either.

millimollimandi · 08/09/2019 19:40

DH and I have been married over 25 years and I could count our arguments on one hand
We disagree, sure. But shouting, arguing, rowing, falling out. No
It helps that our personalities complement each other and that we are basically on the same page with most things.

25 years for us next year and we are the same - having an argumentative other half would be my worst nightmare.

Bubbletrouble43 · 08/09/2019 19:40

Dp and I never argued the first first two years of our relationship. Then we had twins

recrudescence · 08/09/2019 19:41

Never argued here either. Having said that, my husband knows I’m always right so what would be the point?

AsTheWorldTurns · 08/09/2019 19:46

Five years, no kids, that helps. I'm guessing you might have a different definition of argue than some, though.

AsTheWorldTurns · 08/09/2019 19:47

My husband and I don't argue that much anymore, but I absolutely hated him when our children were small and we fought all the fucking time.

matildaagnes · 08/09/2019 19:50

My husband is really patient and is good at diffusing my bad moods so we never really argue much either. We have two pre schoolers at the moment though and I would say we definitely bicker a lot more than we did re children with the odd meltdown from both of us from time to time.

DownstairsMixUp · 08/09/2019 19:54

I have no idea if it's better to argue. I think everyone is different. My brother and his ex were together 9 years and never argued, they split up recently. Even the split was quiet. I think they brushed a lot of stuff under the carpet. Me and DH were very volatile in the early stages, screaming and all sorts, we'd have make up sex a lot. We've been together nearly ten years now and argue maybe once or twice per month. Usually related to something very dull like our eldest attitude on fortnite or about chores. 😁

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/09/2019 19:58

We argue in an academic sense - if we discuss something where we have different points of view, but we don't row in the sense of name calling or raising voices or the like. At least, we didn't row for the first 16 years. Then we had kids and the sleepless nights got to us a bit and there were a few rows over the space of 5 or 6 years, but they weren't big or long. Now the kids are older we haven't rowed in 4 or 5 years.

We still disagree, we discuss, we get annoyed and we have other communication issues but we don't row. I don't think I rowed with any of my boyfriends either, other than in the last few weeks of a relationship. I just don't really see the point. You don't get anywhere rowing. It's so ineffective.

SoyDora · 08/09/2019 19:58

I think the other extreme of never arguing isn't healthy either

Why? I can understand that being the case if you brush things under the carpet/don’t discuss them etc, but if you manage to disagree and discuss your issues without arguing, why is that unhealthy?

iklboo · 08/09/2019 20:06

We occasionally bicker but don't really argue. DH is very laid back and he's rubbed off a lot on me not to let the little things get to me or wind me up.

Bourbonbiccy · 08/09/2019 20:09

I have been with my hubby 16 years and we have never argued. We are capable of disagreeing and discussing things without arguing.
I couldn't be in a relationship with lots of arguments, it's just not how I want to live.

OP it's definitely not weird to not argue, as long as you are not just ignoring issues, it's a nice way to be.

Graphista · 08/09/2019 21:00

The one couple I knew who claimed to never argue to not even ever disagree... They were quite smug about it, we (ex and I) were both quite opinionated people and had (usually quite good naturedly but could be loud but that was generally cos we'd be pottering about and calling to each other from 2 rooms away) debates and disagreements.

Have to say I enjoyed a little schadenfreude when one evening it all blew up with them! They were our neighbours and it was so loud we could hear EVERY word, their "best mates" were another couple and they'd told us they never argued either...

...turns out the husband from the 1st couple had been shagging the wife from the 2nd couple for TWO YEARS not sure how wife 1 found out but she did and shit hit the fan!!

All other couples I know of course have disagreements at times, the most successful couples I know are very honest with each other.

Some friends of mine just celebrated their 30th anniversary, it's a bit of an "in joke" that they bicker almost constantly! Both strong personalities but very passionate about each other, their family and their careers. They rarely fall out about anything serious and even when they do it's resolved very quickly.

Not disagreeing at all I think is unhealthy, no 2 people especially over a long period of time are not going to agree about everything.

It's HOW you resolve disagreements that matters.

I come from a violent childhood background so I'm well aware of the other extreme too but I don't think either extreme is healthy.

Some couples I know would say they "only" have disagreements but one party is very controlling & a sulker and the other is very passive and backs down easily.

tabulahrasa · 08/09/2019 21:07

So... how do you discuss something you disagree about without arguing?

Discussing something you have different opinions on IS arguing...

TanyaChix · 08/09/2019 21:07

People often say if you don’t row there must be something wrong as you must be bottling things up. I disagree because I had a six year relationship where we just didn’t row. We either agreed on things or, when we didn’t agree, we were just able to chat really calmly and without any escalation. We split for other reasons but I still firmly believe that it’s possible to have a happy, healthy relationship where you just don’t argue, particularly if you both are good communicators - no passive aggression, silent treatment, swearing, being quick to raise your voice etc.

Bourbonbiccy · 08/09/2019 21:21

Discussing something you have different opinions on IS arguing...

I would class arguing as being heated or one party getting angry, abrupt, snarky or raised voices.

A discussion is very different to my idea of arguing, so I suppose it depends on your interpretation of arguing.

tabulahrasa · 08/09/2019 21:39

“ I suppose it depends on your interpretation of arguing.”

Well you can interpret words to mean something other than they do I suppose...

But arguing doesn’t always include people losing their temper or behaving heatedly, it’s the actual opposing views being expressed, it can become more, but it doesnt always.

Bourbonbiccy · 08/09/2019 21:49

Well you can interpret words to mean something other than they do I suppose...

🙄🙄🙄

Bourbonbiccy · 08/09/2019 21:51

Arguing

exchange or express diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way.
"the two men started arguing in a local pub"
synonyms:
quarrel, disagree, row, squabble, bicker, fight, wrangle, dispute, feud, have a row, bandy words, have words, cross swords, lock horns, be at each other's throats; More

SunshineAngel · 08/09/2019 21:55

I think when people say they don't argue, they mean they don't shout. Nobody can live without having disagreements. It's the way we deal with disagreements that make a relationship, not whether we have them or not.

My partner and I talk things through. If things start to get heated, we take time out and come back to the issue. As of yet, that has worked every single time.

My parents never argued, basically because my dad was scared of my mum. So they never argued, but definitely didn't have a great relationship, so it doesn't prove anything at all.

LadyofMisrule · 08/09/2019 21:58

We've been together 20 years and rarely argue. We're just not very argumentative people when we're with each other. My job involves quite a lot of argument and debate; I don't want to do it at home too.

Hopesorfears · 08/09/2019 22:08

Don't you ever bring up politics? Even if you vote the same way it's a rare person who can't get into a heated debate on such issues. Or are we defining heated debate as not an argument, as it all seems to depend on our definition of argument! A couple I knew boasted of never arguing, perhaps they never argued but they split when he attacked her physically.

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 08/09/2019 22:11

I know a couple like you, they’ve been together 13 years, they’d never had a crossed word up until about 6 months ago. They had their second child and my friend was struggling juggling 2 under 3, they fell out over her husband prioritising playing football on a Saturday and not family time. I don’t think you’ve been truly tested until you’ve had children.

I remember her telling me they’d never fallen out once, they had a 2 year old at this point too. I went home and told my husband and he just said “how?”. I’d assume one if not both the couple are a pushover and panders to the other. I’m far too outspoken to just agree all the time!

We fallout, have a little shout get it out in the open, make up, move on. If we didn’t whatever the issue is would fester. I don’t think the odd fallout is a sign of a bad marriage at all, probably more healthy if anything.

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