To not understand the disbelief shown when friends learn myself and DP have never argued?

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Just that really.

Been with DP 5 years this month. We live together, no DC yet.

And we've never had a row. The only time we've come close is in the car, being lost / stressed. But we usually diffuse those situations with humour.

When friends find out we've never rowed / fallen out / shouted at each other, they think we're either lying / exaggerating, one of us must be a pushover, or are relationship is weird. We don't feel By of that is true.

We both grew up in broken homes, mine was also a violent home. I've argued with previous partners and so has he. But we just get on in a drama free existence together.

That said, life hasn't been easy, we've had a lot thrown at us over the last five years, including my mum dying due to addiction a few months ago. But we get through hard times.

This genuinely isn't a stealth boast BTW. I'm wondering if we're odd / weird / not normal for not having arguments.

Some couples I know seem to thrive on arguments and make up sex. I couldn't deal with the stress!

We dont argue (as in raise voices or get all huffy) we discuss.

I hate anyone raising their voice to me and I definitely wouldn't have it happen with DS in the house.

I am far from a push over as is my DH, we are passionate but save it for the best place. We have strong views but are able to discuss them and disagree with a raised voice or snarky comment.

My DH is really quite laid back, me not so much, but we respect each other enough to conduct ourselves in a way we both deem acceptable.

My friend and her husband bicker constantly (i would find it exhausting and boring) but every relationship is different. Arguing works for some and not for others, its really not wierd to have either.

I don't agree with arguing around kids though.

Without A raised voice or snarky comment ...that should read

@Hopesorfears
Funny you should mention that! We vote for different parties and voted opposite in EU referendum! We just accept each others choice.

Likewise, I'm vegan and he a committed omnivore. Again, we respect each others choice.

To the PPs discussing that any conversation taking place of opposite views is an argument, as a dictionary definition, you're correct. But yes, I meant that we never raise voices, shout, sulk, get angry etc. We talk.

It’s not the same but I rarely argue with one of my children (age 15). We disagree but talk about it usually, so I do believe that 2 people can have a normal relationship without needing to shout at each other sometimes this is about a personality match and understanding of each other. Whereas everything I do seems to grate on DD1 and we loudly disagree frequently!

I’d assume one if not both the couple are a pushover and panders to the other.

These kind of comments drive me nuts. Not everyone has the same personality as you and your husband. Some people are naturally laid back and don't get ruffled too easily. That doesn't mean they're brimming with resentment. Also, sometimes you just get a combination of two people who are similar in values, personality traits, etc, and they naturally have very few disagreements.

I would find regular arguments in a relationship so exhausting, different strokes for different folks.

“But yes, I meant that we never raise voices, shout, sulk, get angry etc. We talk.”

But that’s exactly why I’m pointing out that that’s still arguing... because saying you never argue when you mean you don’t shout or sulk during an argument is what makes people react like it’s unnusual or to say things like one of you must be a pushover or that resentments build up or various other things like that.

because saying you never argue when you mean you don’t shout or sulk during an argument is what makes people react like it’s unnusual

No, it isn't. Most people I know think not ever shouting is very unusual. Most don't tend to do it much but I don't have any friends who have never had a shouting match with their spouse. Until I had kids I was the only one of my friends who could say that.

OP, when did you last check that your partner still had a pulse ?

But yes, I meant that we never raise voices, shout, sulk, get angry etc. We talk.

That doesn't mean you're not arguing

@NameChangedForTheDay

I have to admit I do find it a bit hard to believe that any one couple never argues, like EVER. The vast majority of couples I have ever known have arguments, tiffs, rows, minor disagreements etc. Many are trivial, but a few are big and take a few days to come down from.

I have known a few couples in the past who claim they never ever argue, and I have never seen them argue, and they seem to be 'the perfect couple,' all loved-up and 'hunning' on facebook posts and suchlike.

Then they just randomly split up. Sometimes one of them has had an affair, sometimes you don't get to hear why they split. Just 'irreconcilable differences...' So it seems their relationship wasn't THAT great, despite them 'never' arguing.

So, you - and others who claim to never argue - are no better or more superior - to those couples who argue and bicker sometimes. I know you never said you were, but your posts suggest you think other relationships aren't as good - and as strong - as yours.

I think it's odd to never, ever argue, and I can understand most people thinking it's weird yes.

So YABU.

Also, as a pp said, wait til you have kids.... Let's see how long this perfect, we-are-so-loved-up, ever-so-amazing relationship lasts without an argument THEN.

As a few posters have said, if someone said they never argue with their partner, I'd also think (if it's true,) that it's not a healthy relationship. As @fivelittleducks1 said, constantly arguing every single day is not healthy, but then the other extreme of NEVER arguing is not great either.

It's a bit weird, and as has been said, it makes the relationship sound unhealthy. It's unhealthy (IMO) because there is no WAY that a couple can agree on everything, all the time, and I would wonder which one of them was being kept down and suppressed by the other.

As @Graphista said, the most successful, happy, passionate, solid couples who have been together several decades or more, are the ones who have humdingers of arguments. I have never known a couple be together 20+ years who don't yell at each other and have a big row and again.

I also agree with a pp that discussing things you disagree on IS arguing. Yep, it really is.

Also, 'NameChangedForTheDay' you are a vegan and he eats meat, and you both voted differently in the EU referendum - and you still maintain that you NEVER argue..... Yeah right.

@user1493759849

Wow! That's a lot of attitude for this time in the morning! Bad night?

I've never claimed to be superior, or better than anyone. Ever.

And I can hands down swear that we have never rowed over veganism, or politics. You can believe what you choose, but it's the absolute truth.

As said, we respect each others' choices and views.

Depends how you define ‘argument’. I never heard my parents argue however they would go quiet with each other so still the same thing in my view. A difference of opinion or arguing, as long as no verbal or physical abuse is a healthy thing in a relationship.

Hmm, I have friends that were very proud that they never argued. In reality what that meant was that one of them put up with everything and ignored/brushed everything under the carpet.

25 years later and let's just say the dam burst and they are going through an extremely toxic divorce.

It's unhealthy (IMO) because there is no WAY that a couple can agree on everything, all the time, and I would wonder which one of them was being kept down and suppressed by the other

Why should that be the case though? There were, of course, things we disagreed on. We just always talked them through rather than turning it into a negative.

Love how OP is not afraid to argue back on this thread.

I’d be interested to listen in on one of these “discussions that aren’t arguments because nobody is shouting” that couples on here claim they have.

Makes me wonder if to an outsider, they’d just sound like actual arguments.

Incidentally we also as a very amicable divorce and remain really good friends. No solicitors, arguments about money or contact etc.

My husband and I very rarely argue, probably about twice a year and nothing serious. We have bickered a little more since DD was born but I think that was mainly due to lack of sleep!

I suppose it depends on what you would say is an argument, discussion, bickering, falling out or disagreement. I think if you're never saying you disagree then that's just unbelievable because no two people think exactly alike. I would say an argument is a disagreement with some level of anger so it's kind of believable that this hasn't happened. But tbh I think you need to think about why you need to tell your friends you never argue. As it sounds a bit smug.

@user1493759849 Are you for real?

You made personal remarks / accusations towards me...

I see how it is now, and I can see what kind of couple you and your DP are. (And what kind of person YOU are.)

Good luck to both of you. especially your DP, as he will need it.

Nice eh?

I categorically explained that DP and I have rowed in previous relationships. We do also argue with friends and family too. Just never with each other.

Yes, I will "argue" back on here. You're not my DP and I don't appreciate personal remarks. You can make a point in a post without casting aspersions.

And my comment about bad night wasn't passive aggressive at all. It was a joke, referring to your point about, just wait until you have kids. 🙄

@BuildBuildings

I agree. Full on arguing where shouting, storming about etc. is involved is different to disagreements/bickering IMO.

You're not that odd at all, DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 and have a 12 month old and we don't argue. We know to give each other space when needed which really got us through the stressful newborn days. We don't always agree, love a good debate but we don't row.
Anyways, my DH had a philosophy degree, he's basically qualified to win arguments so what would be the point! 😋

Been with OH for 4 years. Don't live together but spend as much spare time together as possible with 4 children between us.

Before me he had a very volatile 20 year marriage, ruled by his ex's addiction.

Before him I bounced around from man to man, desperately wanting to be loved but always going for idiots who treated me poorly.

So now, in our 40s and with nothing to lose (no time restrictions for having babies, no desperate need to rush down the aisle, no worries about mortgages, both in secure ish jobs) we know to appreciate what we have, we know how much worse it can be and we know we don't actually need each other to survive, but that we compliment each others lives.

So I think we let the little things go and there are no big things to argue about.

I have been known to sulk occasionally but he ignores me and then I stop being a mard arse and that's that 😂

Interesting.

Been together twelve years.

We've bickered a fair bit on the driving/directions/parking/told you so type level (yesterday, in fact).

When we were younger, we'd have some drunken misunderstandings that mainly consisted of one of us getting very het up whilst the other one called them a daft idiot.

I'd say we've argued a bit, but never a 'row', and NEVER anything that's lasted more than 4h ish.

I couldn't stand being in a relationship where arguments lasted for days, or became heated and nasty.

I'd also say we've never disagreed about anything of significance.

SMUG ALERT - it drives me bonkers on MN when I see people come with a problem that's arisen in their life with their partner, and not only have they never discussed the matter with them before, their choice NOW is to discuss their relationship with internet strangers. HOW can a relationship function without communication? My husband and I discuss everything before going into it and put all of our cards on the table.

I think that it stems in part from the cultural example of shows like SATC of women sitting around with their girlfriends second guessing the mystery that is man. My husband is just another human being, as far as I'm concerned. My favourite one. I can talk to him about anything, and I couldn't imagine it any other way.

I've known my DP for 20 years been together for 4 and we have never fallen out or argued either