To ask that only 1 parent per child accompany to bday party?

[SuzieQ10]

My DC's bday party is coming up. I'm planning to do the invitations and give out at school this week, she's starting reception. Inviting the whole class of 30 plus 8 cousins / family friends plus their parents.

Due to capacity we can only accommodate up to 80 guests maximum.

Is is very rude to ask that only 1 parent accompany each school child? I know not everyone will RSVP yes, but given it's the first reception class party I'm worried lots will bring 2 parents and we'll be over the venues limit.

With two DCs, there's never been a party based at home. Whole class parties tend to be soft play/ community centres. The parties start getting more selective in y2 and that's when parents started drifting off, especially as some of the venues don't have such good spaces for adult friendship groups to sit and chat. Going back to my own parties, they were drop and run, but smaller parties at home, and few mums worked full time so parents knew eachother better.

DS1 had an autumn term birthday so in yR I knew nobody in his class and could scrape together about 5 names from him, and not necessarily the children he liked best. I had to write out "dear classmate" x29. Parties were the time that I got to build up a sense of the children and parents in his class and a connection with his school life.

When both parents have stayed, it's tended to be those who've formed friendship groups. A lot bonded together over nursery. It hasn't made any difference to party dynamics.

With DS2, I've dropped and run sooner as there's DS1 to consider too. Parents have my contact number and there's others he knows well. I have been called to retrieve him before as he couldn't tolerate the noise at a disco (to be fair it was absolutely thumping!)

I did get the entire class at DS2's yR party which was a surprise. By a quirk the birthdays are very polarised at the start and end of the year with a large gulf in the middle. Many of the early birthdays happened to be children from nursery who had little tea parties with established friends. DS2 in the summer term was the first to hold a big party and the first invitation to many children so they all went! I was used to a large number of declines from DS1's awkwardly timed birthday!

Its a bit bazaar that so many people can’t think of any reason why a parent might stay with their 4 year old. Fair enough if you didn’t stay, but is it really that hard to understand that some 4 year olds might not be comfortable being left at a huge party, at the beginning of the school year with people they don’t know?

Parties around here seem to have half the parents stay and half drop and run. I have never seen it change the dynamic for the worse! In fact it’s a great way for the parents to get to know each other.

I think putting in the invite only one parent can stay because of venue space is totally fine.

Make it clear that no siblings can turn- you wouldn’t believe the amount of siblings that turned up to my daughter’s 5th party.

Not one of the parents asked if they could come.

Beyond fucking rude and put a massive downer on the party for me! My daughter didn’t care two hoots though!!

Well my DD is 7 and in reception went to dozens of “ all class parties” - almost all in church halls etc with an entertainer. I can only think of 2 or 3 parties ever held in someone’s home but they all still had entertainment. During that first school year most parents stayed for the entire party ( usually 2 hours). I was one of the parents who probably started to drop and go towards the end of the year but I was in the minority. I can only remember seeing one couple and they always turned up together....no idea why. Parents began dropping in year 1. There’s obviously a “ culture” around it one way or another and it probably doesn’t help the OP much but I’m sure it will become very clear what the local practice is. Of course you can make life easier by saying “ please feel free to go” if you want to but have a pen and paper ready for phone numbers. In our neck of the woods there’s usually drinks and nibbles for parents laid on which at least stops the parents snaffling the party hummus. ( there’s always hummus around these parts)

If a party falls on one of the rare weekend days that both DW and I are off, we will often both go to a party. Not because we can’t be away from each other, but because we don’t get as much time together as we like, because we both like to see DS enjoy himself, and because we both enjoy chatting to the other parents. DS still goes off and plays, only really coming to us if he needs a wee (he is terrified of public toilets and getting him to go at all us a battle, he’d never go alone). More often than not it’ll be one of us that takes him as the other us working, but if we both can, we do, especially if the timing means we can go off and do something else together afterwards. There is nothing weird about it. It’s only weird because of this antiquated idea that mum sorts out the kids while dad gets the time to himself.

If the invitation said only one parent, that wouldn’t be a problem at all, although if we were both available we’d be a little disappointed.

DS just has his 5th birthday party, he is the eldest of his peers (summerborn but delayed entry so just had his first week in reception). Nobody dropped and ran. Tea and coffee (and biscuits) provided for parents. Mostly one parent came, a few had two parents. All parents stayed out of the way, all chatted, no “family outings”, no couple couples.

Sometimes think MN is on a different planet!

Definitely say this on the invite. Reception children don't normally get dropped off and the parent go (not round here anyway)
There's also a cf in my dd1 class - I did the whole class for her /5th party and one family rocked up with all the siblings (5 in total) both parents and 3 of their "adult best friends"! They did this for every party that year and school event!

”I'd have no problem taking DS to a party by myself, but I don't drive, so DH would have to drop us and then sit in the car for the duration. Which isn't really fair”

Um. Why would DH not just take DS himself? Surely that would make much more sense than him ferrying you and then sitting in the car?!

What @flowery said. If you can't get there without your husband, why don't you do something else while he takes your child to the party?

If it is a hall type party, or at soft play lots of couples go together round here. At someone's house less so, as there tends to be less space.

Um. Why would DH not just take DS himself? Surely that would make much more sense than him ferrying you and then sitting in the car?!

He potentially wouldn't want to? To be fair though he'd probably use the time to go to the gym rather than just sit in the car.

What flowery said. If you can't get there without your husband, why don't you do something else while he takes your child to the party?

See above. Also, it's not that I can't get there. He wouldn't want me to. He'd probably use the time to do something else, I am the primary parent so it makes sense for me to do child socialising stuff.

@DadCanIHaveAZedgie

He potentially wouldn't want to? To be fair though he'd probably use the time to go to the gym rather than just sit in the car.

Is that how you plan to do your parenting for the next 18 years? He 'doesn't want to' hang around at a kids' birthday party (who does?) so you have to do all of those (and there will be hundreds), while he goes to the gym or does whatever he likes

Meanwhile you are unable to transport yourself anywhere, so you will be not only 'the primary parent' but also reliant on him to drive you everywhere and pick you up.

That doesn't sound like a great set up for anyone tbh.

Also, it's not that I can't get there. He wouldn't want me to.

Sorry, I'd missed this. He 'wouldn't want you to' go somewhere on your own? Is he always this controlling? How did you end up in this situation?

"He wouldn't want to"? Do you want to?

”He potentially wouldn't want to? I am the primary parent so it makes sense for me to do child socialising stuff.”

That seems odd to me. We think of it the opposite way. DH works long hours during the week so I’m the primary parent at that time. That’s why DH normally takes them to parties at the weekend. It means he’s taking more of a part in their care/lives than he otherwise would- balances things out a bit.

Jesus fucking Christ. You need to get a grip. He wouldn't want to to make my day more difficult by having to faff about with public transport. Our kid is 2, school party issues are yet to come up. I'm sure we'll work out a system.

Read further up. We've had a shit couple of years, I was supposed to do a driving refresher course and then the family car went tits up. He changed his job and the contract he signed was changed in a like it or lump it fashion meaning no guatenteed income. Two (uninsurable due to preexisting condition) dogs needed expensive vet care. A family member was suddenly deemed unable to live in their own home which necessitated multiple four hour travel each way and paying to clear a house and install them in a social care home facility. And multiple other shit show issues.

What an completely insane jump to a conclusion, but way to make us working as a team and him trying to make my life easier into a controlling abusive situation. Utter madness.

*Do you want to?"

Not really no, who wants to get the bus (with a toddler) if they don't have to?

I have been in an a usove relationship, and my marriage is not one. And just to set your minds at rest, I am in charge of all the finances. He does as he's asked

An abusive*

sorry toddler wanting attention

Would both parents really attend another child’s party together? Would one parent really have nothing better to do?! We used to draw straws, the loser being the party attendee. I’ve never had whole families rock up to parties, that’s just weird; but if it happens near you then definitely include a polite one liner explaining numbers and shortage of space.

Well, why does his not wanting to top your not wanting to?

I am the primary parent

What is a primary parent? I've not heard that term

Think she means primary carer. I was always in that role but we still shared party attendance. No one wants to spend every weekend in a room full of other people’s kids and their parents, least of all the primary carer!

You still haven’t explained the logic of how it’s unfair on your dh not to be welcomed into the kid’s party when he’s (at his insistence) driven you there, and had already refused to go in with your child without you, DadCanI?

He's at work, I am a sahm. I spend most time with DS. First in the emergency contact list etc.

Don't think I ever said it was unfair for him not to be welcomed into the party HeadintheiClouds I said it was unfair to make him sit in the car. Which we've now established, he probably wouldn't sit in the car. He'd go to the gym or so somehow else after dropping us off, which apparently is also bad, and abusive. So it's a moot point (also, and this will might make you gasp, but my Dad sometimes drives me places and waits too!)