To ask that only 1 parent per child accompany to bday party?

[SuzieQ10]

My DC's bday party is coming up. I'm planning to do the invitations and give out at school this week, she's starting reception. Inviting the whole class of 30 plus 8 cousins / family friends plus their parents.

Due to capacity we can only accommodate up to 80 guests maximum.

Is is very rude to ask that only 1 parent accompany each school child? I know not everyone will RSVP yes, but given it's the first reception class party I'm worried lots will bring 2 parents and we'll be over the venues limit.

We have rented a local cafe that has a soft play attached. The party will only be an hour and a half. We're inviting the whole class because there is no established friendship circle yet, though DD does know a few of the kids from nursery and local activities. I think it's nice to include all the children in the class since it adds no additional cost other than sandwiches and crisps which we are sorting out ourselves. And I don't want anyone to feel excluded from a party at such an early stage, first few weeks of reception.
The problem is the cafe side of the venue not being big enough to really accommodate more than 1 parent per child and they are careful about numbers (it's booked now, so no changing the venue). Thank you to all of you for the helpful advice!! Probably after all of this no one will turn up anyway..

It’s perfectly normal to invite the whole Reception class, op, especially at the very start of the year
It would be very strange for entire families to show up for the whole event, but stating the space limitations on the invitation is absolutely fine. Just in case...

Before DS was old enough to drop and run, DH and I sometimes both stayed at a party. Due to DH's shifts, it might be our only chance for a week to have a conversation.

Should have added, that said if there's not going to be enough space, it would be better tp know in advance, hope it goes well!

At DS's last birthday party, nobody cried so we called it a win. That was his 10th.

Zedgie’s post reminded me of a thread on here which I’ll try to find, where a whole family including three siblings of the invited child showed up for a party at the birthday child’s home.
Host mum stood her ground, pointing out nicely that there was a park two minutes walk away that the children could while away time in if they didn’t want to drive home and come back again to pick up.
They parked in the host’s drive and gazed resentfully at the front windows for the duration of the party...
Maybe there’s more than one family who do this?!

Fwiw I held a bday party yesterday for my toddler. All but one of the parents came together, and I liked it that way! They’re my friends after all. I appreciate that it is a bit different in the OP’s scenario but the blanket horror at two parents attending that some PP have, I can’t understand. It didn’t stop the kids from playing and interacting at all.

Nothing wrong with inviting everyone, requiring a parent to stay but preventing two parents from staying is pretty unwelcoming though.

Surely at primary school most parties are within easy reach of home?

Not ime, firstly the children don't all live near the school or each other and where I live there aren't many party venues that would be accesible for most people without a car, in fact I dont remember any families without cars when my dc were at primary

I used to do whole class parties when DD (now 15) was that young, she really enjoyed them. Some parents dropped and ran and some stayed which was ok with me (DD has lots of aunts that were present). However I have noticed that 2 parents seem to turn up now going by my DNs parties. It completely changes the dynamics the DC tend to go constantly to their parents instead of joining in and it means the couple's just end up talking to each other rather than other parents which is a shame. My Dsis has said that she is going to ask for 1 parent only at parties from now on).

I would just state on the invite, ", due to venue capacity limits, they can only allow the invited child plus one parent" otherwise as others have said you end up with lots of siblings (going by my DNs last party, similar to your venue it became 2 parents + 2 siblings = family of 5 per invite!!)

@coconuttelegraph Surely at primary school most parties are within easy reach of home?

Not ime, firstly the children don't all live near the school or each other and where I live there aren't many party venues that would be accesible for most people without a car, in fact I dont remember any families without cars when my dc were at primary

OK, so if you live in an area like that, you learn to drive - right? That was my point.

We live in London and function perfectly well without a car. I've never needed to learn to drive as we have 24 hour public transport and most party venues/classmates' homes are within walking distance.

My point was, you can't be a functional adult and parent if you rely totally on another person to prop up your basic parenting, like being able to take your child to a birthday party.

If you live in that sort of area, then you either learn to drive or take a taxi/bus/whatever. You don't go around depending entirely on your husband/wife.

@SuzieQ10

I think it is totally normal to invite the whole class at this stage. I think you should just try not to worry about it - chances are that no more than half of the class will turn up, and most will only have one parent with them (because most people don't bring their partner with them, most couples draw straws and whoever draws the short straw has to go to the party )

I do think that it's unusual to invite additional family members and friends, especially if space is limited, but what's done is done. Just do loads of party bags and cross your fingers!

we have a family at school that, when one child is invited, mum, dad and 3 siblings rock up. to every single one - whether it be a pay per head activity or a church hall. its very bizarre as surely the other parent could stay home with the other children? The parents then encourage all of the children to line up for activities, lunch and party bags as if they were invited. In 8 years of knowing them I have never known them have a party of their own.

they have form for this and, unfortunately, as a result people have stopped inviting any of "the von trapps" to events.

Dillydallyingthrough IT really does change the dynamic doesn't it? Completely, and for the worse.

I can only assume those flat out denying that it does have only experienced attending these odd couply children's parties and never been to the ones where one parent attends because the children are still little but keeps out of the children's way as much as possible, or hosted drop off parties. You can't know that the dynamic changes if you haven't attended or hosted parties not dominated by parent couples/ entire families.

Apart from anything else it's hardly a children's party when adults outnumber children!

Whole class parties are grossly unfair. Means people get invited to a lot of parties of people they don't know and have to fork out for a present to be polite otherwise their kid is seen as different and an outsider. Horrible.

@busybarbara - it's an invite not a summons. Just. Say. No.

@busybarbara Whole class parties are grossly unfair. Means people get invited to a lot of parties of people they don't know and have to fork out for a present to be polite otherwise their kid is seen as different and an outsider. Horrible.

What a totally bizarre perspective. My kids were invited to loads of parties throughout reception, and we invited the whole class too. i never even registered who said yes or no - if people have a prior commitment or just don't want to come, no one minds or thinks twice about it.

What a really, really strange way of looking at it - to call inviting every child 'grossly unfair'. It's literally the opposite.

We just drop to parties, definitely don't stay. Some parents do but I have never seen two parents do this and my kids are similar age.

I mean unfair for the parents who cannot afford such follies. It costs time and money to go to parties and not every parent can stretch to it. Also it's not the parents keeping track of who attends but the kids! Social things matter to kids.

When my dd was 5 it was normal to drop off, maybe 2 or 3 stayed who I was friendly with and asked if I needed a hand, my parents helped and all but 2 knew the entertainer because it was their former nursery teacher who did parties on Saturday (therefore no trouble at all from them)

@busybarbara I mean unfair for the parents who cannot afford such follies. It costs time and money to go to parties and not every parent can stretch to it. Also it's not the parents keeping track of who attends but the kids! Social things matter to kids.

a) You are very very mistaken if you think that 4-year-olds are 'keeping track' of who attends which birthday parties.

b) Are you saying you think it would be 'fairer' and more polite for parents to not have parties at all?

c) Or are you suggesting that after a few days/weeks of school, parents should be actively discriminating between the children in the class, and only inviting those that they believe are especially close friends of their child?

Please explain what you think is the 'correct' way of doing things that would be less 'unfair'. Go on...

Kids don’t judge each other on party attendance, what nonsense! There were lots of kids in my kids social circles who did so much stuff at weekends (sports, mainly, and dance classes) that they were rarely available for parties.
It didn’t make an iota of difference to their friendships.

You can't know that the dynamic changes if you haven't attended or hosted parties not dominated by parent couples/ entire families.

good grief someone is being goady!

Or maybe some parents are actually normal and manage to attend kids parties without changing the dynamic because they know how to stay reasonably out of the way and the kids are used to gathering with parents around somewhere and don't need to come and hold daddy and mummy's hand because they are around?

you know, just maybe....

I'd love to know what kind of parties you've attended where the parents took over from the kids and took over the dance floor/soft play/ sport activity?!? I've never seen that happening around here!

@AlaskaSometimes

Do you and your DH always go together to parties?!

I don't drive either, but this means that I take the kids to parties either on foot or by public transport. And we don't have a car as a family even though my husband can drive, because we don't want one. Surely at primary school most parties are within easy reach of home?

My DS isn't at primary school yet so it's not an issue yet.

I find it really shocking that you wouldn't drive but would just take it for granted that this means you can't go anywhere by yourself. What sort of a way is that to live as an adult, assuming you don't have disabilities that mean you need a permanent care assistant?

Be really shocked, I'm not that bothered. I can't afford to learn to drive, pass the theory and practical test, buy a car and insure it presently. We don't actually have a family car at the moment. We are perfectly capable of getting the bus but if someone offers to drive me then why would I make my life more difficult? I work my life around doing things on foot, internet shopping and fitting in around when we borrow my dad's car. I never said I can't do anything alone or on the bus, I said I'd choose not to. And if getting the bus meant putting an extra hour or so on each way then it would take up the whole afternoon, and I don't it to take up my entire afternoon. Hypothetically.

Not driving doesn't prevent me from doing anything - if it ever meant that I relied on another person to do basic parenting, I would learn to drive

See above answer. Not everyone can afford it. We certainly can't at the moment. I expect circumstances will change and then its my first port of call, well, after replacing all the appliances that have broken, paying the bills etc. Not driving doesn't prevent me from doing anything either.

I am surprised that a school ages child would have parents come at all

Same. My kids had organised parties from age of 3. No point having big parties younger than that as the child didn't have a clue. Never expected parents to stay and none ever offered.