Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re overnight guests

118 replies

ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:23

I kind of know IABU already but I just do not know how to deal with this!
An old family friend is visiting our area from abroad, and he has emailed me to ask if he can stay for a few days. Previously he probably would have asked to stay at my parents but they don't have a spare room.
There are numerous reasons why this fills me with dread...
A. I don't even feel comfortable with people popping in let alone staying overnight, I don't know why, just like my own space I guess.
B. My Dp is the same, and I know he would hate having anyone stay, particularly someone he has only met once years ago, so he would be in a massive grump about it.
C. My house isn't a showhome, and I would need to do some decorating and seriously spring cleaning to get the spare room presentable.

Based on that, I would like to say no. However, not only would this person welcome me with open arms if the shoe was on the other foot, but has actually hosted my DS (and looked after him really well) when he went travelling last year. Therefore I feel I have no option but to say yes and the thought of it really stresses me out! I can't even make an excuse because he is in the area for some time and is flexible with dates!

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 08/09/2019 11:31

I can see it is difficult due to the fact that this person was so kind to your DS.

However, if you would hate it so much then you wouldn't be a good host anyway.

I would suggest messaging him to say I am so sorry but our spare room is out of action at the moment due to broken bed, lots of junk in there etc. However, we would love to take you out for the day, take your out for lunch, ......

Choose something you would genuinely like to do for this man and offer that. Would that work?

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/09/2019 11:33

I would say no. I would also hate over night guests. Say you don't have the space, room isn't fit, no bed. Whatever. Or just be honest, it's nothing personal but both you and DH really struggle with it

WillowSummerSloth · 08/09/2019 11:36

I think I'd just do it. It's only for a few days and he's hosted your DS. It's a little rude to decline just because you don't enjoy it. Few people actually enjoy hosting but do it because there are greater benefits in terms of relationship building etc. I'm not really sure you should have accepted the offer for your DS if you are unwilling to reciprocate.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/09/2019 11:39

Grit your teeth and say yes. It's only a few days and there are 360+ others in the year to raise your drawbridge.

Don't decorate. Do clean.

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:39

He looked after your DS-of course you have to do it.

Top cheeky fuckery if you refuse.

Original poster
ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:41

I think they know the room is usable as our adult DS uses it when he stays here (they'd be aware of him being here from facebook).
To be honest if he had given a definite date I would be able to make the excuse that DS Is here but as I have a couple of months worth of dates to choose from that isn't an option. I will feel bloody awful saying no. Think I'll have to talk to DP and see what he thinks might work. I think I might be able to cope with it if DP wasn't here, as I'll spend the whole time worrying about his feelings (the house is his too so it's not fair on him to have to put up with it)

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:43

therebelalliance I'm fully aware of that which is why I'm here cringing at my own lack of generosity 🙈

OP posts:
TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:43

Were you like this before you met your partner?

It sounds like a form of emotional abuse from him.

Gatepost1820 · 08/09/2019 11:45

If you absolutely can't do it because you both value your space but value other people's spaces or wallets by lumbering your ds on them then the least you can do is book and pay for a hotel or b&b near you. Your friend went to some expense hosting your son so it's now your turn to do the same. Otherwise you're a cheeky fucker taking advantage of someone's kindness but not willing to reciprocate.

annoyingelf · 08/09/2019 11:46

You just need to suck it up and do it really. It won't be as bad as you think. But don't decorate for him! Just clean

flowery · 08/09/2019 11:46

Anyone can suck it up and do something they don’t like for a few days. Because sometimes it’s the right thing to do.

MancaroniCheese · 08/09/2019 11:46

Given that the friend hosted your DS then I think you ought to reciprocate. If you don’t want them in your home then you reciprocate by paying for a hotel / taking them out for trips and meals.

Original poster
ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:47

I think that's a bit extreme. He is just a bit socially awkward and uncomfortable with having people stay over, as am I. He would agree to having him stay if I really wanted him to but I know it would make him miserable.

OP posts:
BlockedAndDeleted · 08/09/2019 11:48

You don’t need to turn your house into a show home but I think it’d be pretty bad form to say no, or make excuses as he not only hosted but looked after your son do well.

flowery · 08/09/2019 11:48

”I'll spend the whole time worrying about DP’s feelings (the house is his too so it's not fair on him to have to put up with it)”

Why is it not fair? Is he not DS’s father? Even if he isn’t, asking your partner to cope with someone you owe a big favour to staying for a few days is a perfectly reasonable ask.

Gatepost1820 · 08/09/2019 11:49

What's a bit extreme op?

Bouffalant · 08/09/2019 11:49

I'd absolutely hate this too and would dread it.

Your options are to either say no you already have someone staying, or to say yes and just get it over with, and be out of the house as much as possible during the visit.

Original poster
ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:49

Mancaronicheese I would be more than happy to take him out for days out, have him over for dinner etc, I had planned to do that anyway.

OP posts:
TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:49

I think that's a bit extreme. He is just a bit socially awkward and uncomfortable with having people stay over, as am I. He would agree to having him stay if I really wanted him to but I know it would make him miserable.

What else does he stop you from doing?
So the real reason isn't that you don't want people to stay but that he doesn't?

Dollywilde · 08/09/2019 11:49

I’m sorry but I do think it would be exceptionally rude to decline given they hosted your DS.

Even ignoring that, A and B aren’t excuses, having guests brings a certain amount of disruption but it’s just what you do. How do you know that they didnt feel the same way when hosting your DS? Also B makes your partner sound pretty awful, sorry.

C might be excusable if you were doing the place up but if it’s good enough for adult DS to stay there it’s good enough for a guest and I think that you just added it to add to your reasons to decline Wink

Sorry OP, you need to do this.

RandomFactor · 08/09/2019 11:50

YABU, especially as your would-be guest has hosted your son. What is it that troubles you about having someone stop over? Your house is not immaculate - so what? It would invade on your privacy? You should put up with that and be hospitable. Previous posters suggesting you make excuses are offering bad advice.

TheRebelAlliance · 08/09/2019 11:50

What's a bit extreme op?

Me saying it sounded like her partner was emotionally abusing her.

Original poster
ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:52

Dp doesn't stop me from doing anything all, and as I've said he would agree to it for my benefit but would be very uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 08/09/2019 11:52

If he hosted your son then yes, you should reciprocate for a few days. It’s the least you can do. We all have things we have to do that we don’t enjoy/rather wouldn’t.

AgentJohnson · 08/09/2019 11:52

So they hosted your son but you don’t want to put out for a sake of a few days.

Use this as an opportunity to tidy up, step out of your comfort zone etc

See as a challenge.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread