Re overnight guests

[ohwhatatodooo]

I kind of know IABU already but I just do not know how to deal with this!
An old family friend is visiting our area from abroad, and he has emailed me to ask if he can stay for a few days. Previously he probably would have asked to stay at my parents but they don't have a spare room.
There are numerous reasons why this fills me with dread...
A. I don't even feel comfortable with people popping in let alone staying overnight, I don't know why, just like my own space I guess.
B. My Dp is the same, and I know he would hate having anyone stay, particularly someone he has only met once years ago, so he would be in a massive grump about it.
C. My house isn't a showhome, and I would need to do some decorating and seriously spring cleaning to get the spare room presentable.

Based on that, I would like to say no. However, not only would this person welcome me with open arms if the shoe was on the other foot, but has actually hosted my DS (and looked after him really well) when he went travelling last year. Therefore I feel I have no option but to say yes and the thought of it really stresses me out! I can't even make an excuse because he is in the area for some time and is flexible with dates!

When you encouraged your DS benefitting from your friend’s hospitality what thought did you have of ever needing to reciprocate?

Did it not occur to you that you might be asked to return the favour?

You say you don’t have a ‘show home’. I don’t either. But I’m usually happy to put up people I’m fond of for a couple of nights. What do you really mean by not having a ‘show hime’ Sometimes people say this when they really mean that their home has got a to quite a bad state. If that is your fear then a plan to properly clean (not decorate) is what is needed.

You say your DP will support you if he has to. I think you both have to do this really. As decent people sometimes we have to give back a bit. You have plenty of notice. Do the best you can. And if DP really doesn’t like it maybe he can stay elsewhere for the duration. As an alternative. Not that he has to. And it would be better if he could stay and support you.

Doing something that makes you uncomfortable for a few days is absolutely nothing. Many people have to do things they find uncomfortable for years and years! Having PIL living with them, or doing a job they hate, or something.

A few days of not being able to relax in your own home to return a huge favour is nothing at all.

I agree absolutely with the above comment. Much more succinct than mine. All next week I’m doing something I’d rather not be doing. It is part of the lot of being an adult.

I hate hosting, but considering the obligation in the case, I would. If your husband a grumpy, remind him of your guest's generosity to your son. And as long as the room is useable and smells clean, redecorating is unnecessary.

@iloveallrainbow
You make your step children stay in a hotel?
Fuck me that’s cold, if having family stay is stressful I hope you never have any real challenges in life. Remember this when you need help as you age.
Selfish and nasty all these people who refuse to host family, god forbid you’re expected to make an effort.

*Doing something that makes you uncomfortable for a few days is absolutely nothing. Many people have to do things they find uncomfortable for years and years! Having PIL living with them, or doing a job they hate, or something.

A few days of not being able to relax in your own home to return a huge favour is nothing at all.*
This absolutely. It would be so rude not to. Your dp can also suck it up, your child has hugely benefited and adults return the favour. Almost no one has a show home. I am moving internationally with a small flat, 2 small children and we both work long hours. The house is a tip. We warn guests and welcome them warmly.

Gosh, I don't get it either.

I love a good travel book. Invariably the writer ends up lost in a mountain or in the wrong place where they get taken in by a village elder who treats them like a visiting dignitary, feeding them a fest they can ill afford and letting them recuperate in their home. They share everything they have with the visitor, even though they are a complete stranger without a common language.

Yet here we can be freaked out at the thought of putting a friend up for a couple of nights.

I think you have to say yes because they hosted your DS.

No (normal) guests expect a 5* hotel experience. A quick tidy up, vacuum and clean sheets are all that are required. Yes, it's difficult hosting when you're an introvert, which I am too. I really do prefer to be on my own, so I know what it's like. But... I would say that it's often not as bad as I fear, I do have fun catching up and breathe a sigh of relief when everyone goes while patting myself on the back for doing it.

He hosted your DS. YABU. Tidy and clean.

I know this is a really wild and radical suggestion but, could you not just actually just talk to your friend. Explain that you and DP and got yourselfs a bit isolated in some ways and are feeling anxious, while still stressing how much you want to see them and appriciate their friendship.
People nowadays are much more open about emotional issues and there should be no stigma. Opening up to your friend in an honest way may even bring the friendship closer.
I suffered very bad social anxiety and was desperate that no one should know and beleive me telling people lessens it tremendously.Also you will be amazed how other people will also come forward and discuss their own issues and its not odd at all.

Do not ever ask others to host you/your family if you’re unwilling to return the favour.

You have to just clean up and suck it up.

I reckon few of us relish sharing our homes with guests, but returning hospitality is part of being decent, well-mannered adult. You really should do it, not least because you will forever cringe at the memory if you don't!

You sound anxious though, so try not to focus so much on all the things you think need doing. As others have said, few of us live in show homes. I see plenty of houses via my work, some of the owners are seriously minted, but they still have mess and clutter here and there.

Break it down in doable bits:

Gather all the clutter into boxes and bags, and put it in the shed/attic. Don't try and sort it all now, as it will be an added worry.

Pare the room right back to basics, and IF (BIG if) you need to paint anything, you can easily do it - but I probably wouldn't. You don't need flash matching furniture. A wooden chair can be a bedside table, a trunk/crate/box with throw can be a side table for bits and bobs

If you need bedding or curtains/cushions to freshen it up, get some. If money is a worry supermarkets ones are fairly cheap, and charity shops even cheaper (I just bought some Laura Ashley full length ones for £6!)

Put some flowers in, a few books, a bedside light and RELAX!

As pp has said part of being an adult is doing things that make you to uncomfortable sometimes. Your family accepted hospitality from this friend and now need to return this.
On the plus side it is a good push to tidy round and sort your house, guests are great for this.

I hear you because I don't like hosting but I think because of his generosity with your DS you will have to do this one.

It can seem overwhelming when you have your house to get ready but there are 2 of you to do this together and try and think of it as an opportunity to get the house straight. As pp's have said you don't need to decorate, just a thorough clean and sort out does the job.

Could you buy in some help to ease the load a bit. Cleaning companies can do one day blitzes.

I would pay for a lovely hotel for him, close to your house, and have him round for tea once/ take him out to dinner another night.

Returning a favour/ hospitality doesn't mean having to do exactly the same thing the other person did, but offering an equivalent gesture.

A relaxed, extroverted person who enjoys having visitors in their home is NOT putting in the same amount of effort as something for whom that prospect would be hell.

I don't cook but I have a decent disposable income, so if friends invite me round for dinner I take them out for a lovely meal to a restaurant of their choice when it's my "turn".

The normative rubbish on here is so irritating. Everyone is not the same! Adults DO NOT have to do things that make them deeply uncomfortable in the interests of mindless conformity.

someone for whom that prospect would be hell...

Of course you must host, when he hosted your son. You can't just take and not pay it back.

If you’re socially awkward then don’t abuse others kindness. Smacks of greed

Yeah you need to get over yourself and offer op

I think you need to put on your big girl pants and host them! If they hosted your son it's very rude not to reciprocate without far better reasons

Just do it. We all have to do things in life that stretch us a bit. You can't be a generous person if you only want to do things if they don't inconvenience you at all.

Thankfully we genuinely don't have the space to host so this isn't an issue for us at present.

However I don't like guests (to be fair I don't particularly like being a guest elsewhere) so I do get where you are coming from.

If you really cant face it, you do need to offer "something". Can you afford a decent hotel for a few nights? If so I'd message back and offer that?

You can't really refuse flat out and not offer him anything?

Yes the house belongs to both of us equally and DP is DS's dad, but we played no part in arranging for DS to stay at friend's place. He went travelling with a cousin and they arranged to stay with family friend.
I do totally accept that I/we are being unreasonable here by the way, and I'm trying to find a way of hosting that will be as stress free as possible.

Do your parents only have 1 bedroom, or is there another room that is occupied by someone else (a relative?) If so, would it be easier to have that person stay with you (more familiar?) so family friend can stay with your parents?