Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re overnight guests

118 replies

ohwhatatodooo · 08/09/2019 11:23

I kind of know IABU already but I just do not know how to deal with this!
An old family friend is visiting our area from abroad, and he has emailed me to ask if he can stay for a few days. Previously he probably would have asked to stay at my parents but they don't have a spare room.
There are numerous reasons why this fills me with dread...
A. I don't even feel comfortable with people popping in let alone staying overnight, I don't know why, just like my own space I guess.
B. My Dp is the same, and I know he would hate having anyone stay, particularly someone he has only met once years ago, so he would be in a massive grump about it.
C. My house isn't a showhome, and I would need to do some decorating and seriously spring cleaning to get the spare room presentable.

Based on that, I would like to say no. However, not only would this person welcome me with open arms if the shoe was on the other foot, but has actually hosted my DS (and looked after him really well) when he went travelling last year. Therefore I feel I have no option but to say yes and the thought of it really stresses me out! I can't even make an excuse because he is in the area for some time and is flexible with dates!

OP posts:
TheBrockmans · 08/09/2019 12:23

Get your ds to help tidy/ decorate the room as he benefited from the hospitality and will get ongoing benefit from the nice room. Declutter and tidy the rest of the house which you will benefit from. Warn dh so he can plan some busy work days if he wants a break.

FunderAnna · 08/09/2019 12:24

I'm not sure I get the social anxiety thing.

I say this because I'm relatively introverted - I like time reading, rather than non-stop conversation. And am aware that our spare room is no palace. So hosting can be effortful.

But the great thing about a (decent) partner is that they help you out. Even if it's just by making cups of tea, showing where breakfast stuff is, doing a bit of chatting.

And it's all about the planning and the communication really. If it's a time when you're working you flag up that there may be limited time together, but allow time for a meal out/good dinner in and an expedition somewhere - while also pointing out other things they might enjoy in the area. A good DVD also means that you don't have to spend all the time on small talk. I like playing cards or board games when people come round, as it give a bit of structure to things - though obviously it depends on what guests enjoy doing.

If visitors are from overseas it can also be that quite ordinary things - a trip to the local high street, a walk in the countryside, a visit to a National Trust place can be of real interest. And then one gets to see one's own country with new eyes.

jennymanara · 08/09/2019 12:29

Since he has hosted your DS, then you need to say yes. As a general rule in life, don't accept favours if you are not prepared to return them.

Gatepost1820 · 08/09/2019 12:31

I'd show your dp this thread so he's aware of how other people think. Quite often anxiety and social anxiety makes you insular and unable to meet other people's needs. This causes all sorts of issues and resentment, if I was your friend I'd take a step back from you if you did this to me.

InterestingView · 08/09/2019 12:31

Say yes and use it as an excuse to clean the room Envy beak.

InterestingView · 08/09/2019 12:32

Boak not beak!!

LillithsFamiliar · 08/09/2019 12:35

I can't see if you've answered a PP's question. Is DS your DP's? I think you both have to agree tbh and your DP has to commit to host like an adult not skulking around in a bad mood making you fearful of how 'miserable' he is.
This friend hosted your DS. I think you need to reciprocate his hospitality.

pasturesgreen · 08/09/2019 12:41

He is just a bit socially awkward and uncomfortable with having people stay over, as am I

I'm sorry, but as others have said it's way out of order to accept other people's kindness and hospitality (albeit for your DS) but refuse to reciprocate. You either put them up in the spare room (no need to redecorate, that's just OTT) or pay for them to stay in a local b&b.

Not wanting people to stay over is fine, but then you keep yourself to yourself and don't accept their hospitality either, them the rules.

AnnaMagnani · 08/09/2019 12:44

You do not need to decorate. He isn't expecting a show home. He's expecting a bed for the night.

Honestly I stay in AirBnB's every week and the worst I stayed in looked like a showhome but there was a flea in my bed.

An ancient carpet, dodgy paintwork, sight of your ageing DVD collection and falling over a load of cables are all par for the course and far preferable to a shiny house with fleas.

I also do home visits all day for work and can tell you that 99.9% of people live in lived in houses and those that don't are a bit weird/Mrs Hinch.

timshelthechoice · 08/09/2019 12:46

I think it's rude not to since they hosted your son.

Crankybitch · 08/09/2019 12:48

Another saying it’s rude to let your DS stay at theirs then say no when they want to stay at yours

You should have told your DS not to stay there if you knew you wouldn’t reciprocate

fedup21 · 08/09/2019 12:48

If he looked after your son, I would absolutely let him stay. And I HATE overnight guests!!

Abracad · 08/09/2019 12:50

I think if you can’t do it, the you must not ask him or anyone else to host you again. If you know you cannot reciprocate it’s incredibly rude and selfish to take.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 08/09/2019 12:57

I think you and your dh have to put on your adulting pants and agree to host. You can’t expect other people to host your dc then not to reciprocate...

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2019 13:03

For all you know, this person could have felt equally unhappy and uncomfortable and socially awkward at having your DS to stay. But they still did it.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 08/09/2019 13:04

Time to return the favour. I know people shouldn't give with an expectation for it to be reciprocated but he did host your DS - so not an unreasonable expectation that you might make him as welcome in your home now the time has come!

TBH I must say I was pretty Hmm in quite a similar situation. For 3 or 4 years we invited my cousin, (sometimes partner) and child to stay with us in a caravan we rented (for a week) for a couple of days or so long weekend type. Never expected anything back. But cousin recently bought a camper van (motorhome not VW) and was going - to the exact same place with my sister. At the time I was in such a very bad place and imagined a weekend there would heal my sole. I was pretty put out when she said no. No room at the inn. They weren't taking the awning (so there was option of an awning but no). I just thought after all our hosting she would be keen to return the favour!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 08/09/2019 13:05

SOUL!!

INeedNewShoes · 08/09/2019 13:07

I think that rather than letting your fear of hosting entrench itself even further you should allow this guest to stay for a few days.

If you're not willing to put yourself out and make some sacrifices to host other people then you need to not accept the hosting of others.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/09/2019 13:08

It sounds like a form of emotional abuse from him

How? OP has said that she's not a happy host, either. Her DH isn't imposing his views on her - and even if he was, we don't know him - he may have an actual phobia. He couldn't help that.

Patnotpending · 08/09/2019 13:21

I'd be honest and say that you and your husband are a bit phobic about having guests but that it would be your pleasure to pay for a night or two in a decent local hotel. Invite him round for a couple of meals – or if you can't even do that, take him out and pay.

And then you and your son and any other children must pledge never to accept hospitality from anyone else because it's not fair to receive and not give back.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2019 13:30

That is awful Dontfuckingsaycheese, what bastards AngrySad

Bubbletrouble43 · 08/09/2019 13:40

I was about to say it's fine not to have him stay, we don't have guests stop over and like our own space so I understand, but then I read that he hosted and took care of your dh so I'm afraid I think it would be rude not to do him the same courtesy. I would never accept hospitality if I was not prepared to reciprocate.

Bubbletrouble43 · 08/09/2019 13:41

Ds not dh sorry.

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 13:50

Well it’s not often we have the CF themselves posting!
You and your DH sound miserable and selfish, this person put your son up but you can’t make any effort to return the favour?
Clean and tidy your house and tell your grumpy DH to grow up.

That, 200 times.

XXcstatic · 08/09/2019 13:51

As a general rule in life, don't accept favours if you are not prepared to return them.

Exactly. I don't suppose the friend was overjoyed at hosting a much younger man that he (presumably) barely knows. But he did it and, by the sound of it, made a big effort. Time for you to reciprocate. Ok, you'll feel a bit uncomfortable. Is that the end of the world? He's not asking to move in.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.