Re overnight guests

[ohwhatatodooo]

I kind of know IABU already but I just do not know how to deal with this!
An old family friend is visiting our area from abroad, and he has emailed me to ask if he can stay for a few days. Previously he probably would have asked to stay at my parents but they don't have a spare room.
There are numerous reasons why this fills me with dread...
A. I don't even feel comfortable with people popping in let alone staying overnight, I don't know why, just like my own space I guess.
B. My Dp is the same, and I know he would hate having anyone stay, particularly someone he has only met once years ago, so he would be in a massive grump about it.
C. My house isn't a showhome, and I would need to do some decorating and seriously spring cleaning to get the spare room presentable.

Based on that, I would like to say no. However, not only would this person welcome me with open arms if the shoe was on the other foot, but has actually hosted my DS (and looked after him really well) when he went travelling last year. Therefore I feel I have no option but to say yes and the thought of it really stresses me out! I can't even make an excuse because he is in the area for some time and is flexible with dates!

I was about to say YANBU until I say they hosted your DS...

However, not only would this person welcome me with open arms if the shoe was on the other foot, but has actually hosted my DS (and looked after him really well) when he went travelling last year.

Based on this, of course I would offer them to stay. It would be very rude not too. As others have said, no one likes hosting! I’m sure we’ve all have to let someone stay when we didn’t want to.

@TheRebelAlliance O.k. I think that's a bit true because she's pandering to his needs & putting her aside. I'm not keen on my in laws but I do host them because it's the right thing to do & I know my dh appreciates it. I'm civil to them and I relax and have fun when they're here but we're different people so I know we're not going to be super close.

If you're socially awkward and don't like hosting people then please don't take advantage of people's hospitality if you're not prepared to reciprocate. That's not fair, just pay your own way and that way there's no awkwardness.

I despise overnight guests, even my kids having their friends for sleepovers makes me super uncomfortable and I hide out in my room.

In this case, you have to say yes though. You would be a total CF if you didn’t.

I think you should let him stay because he hosted your son. It would be mean not to.

It's difficult and I sympathise but if it is only for a few nights (be sure exactly how many before he comes!), you can suck it up. Presumably he'll be out and about most of the time. I don't see why you have to posh up your house, just make sure the spare room is clean and tidy.

Good luck. You may find you actually enjoy having him with you, stranger things have happened.

You have to do it - or pay for a nearby hotel yourself. Otherwise you are a CF of the first order.
You could get away with paying for the hotel with some excuses.

Your DH was comfortable enough to let your DS stay with this family friend. So he should be comfortable enough in returning the favour and letting him stay with you.

Being kind for a few nights isn't a lot to ask.

Don't decorate, just clean the room and some fresh bedding.

As they hosted your dh I would say yes. They aren’t coming to inspect your decorating just to spend some time with you and explore the area. Could your ds be roped into some of the taking them out and about and entertaining to repay their generosity when he visited them?

Yeah I agree with PP.

I hate having people in my house (huge Stately Homes type back story) never mind overnight.

However, you allowed your DS to take advantage of their hospitality so you are going to have to suck it up. I would make a jokey reference along the lines of "You will find I am a rather inferior host/not upto your standards when you hosted DS, but I am sure you will take us as you find us"

And make sure you are very clear on the number of nights he will stay.......

Argh- I understand not wanting to, but given that they hosted ds, I think you have to.

Generally I would’ve said YANBU but given they so generously hosted your DS actually YABVU

no need to decorate, no one would expect that. But yes to cleaning and being a gracious host.

I do sympathise as I feel the same as you, but if you weren’t willing to reciprocate then you shouldn’t have accepted them hosting your DS!

they looked after your ds so you really owe them and you/your dp will need to find a way to try and deal with it. I really do sympathise as I also hate having people staying.

You don't need to decorate. You should send a message saying, happy to have you to stay but place is in need of work which we have not got round to fitting in. You do need to clean, that's way different to undecorated/unfinished. that way they have a valid expectation that they are not going to a show home and can change their plans if that bothers them

If he hadn't hosted your son I would have still said it would be polite to say yes but you could say no. But he hosted your son. You'd be an absolute CF to not return that generosity

It sounds as though the visitor would have a horrible time at your house. If you and your partner would both be really stressed out (and I don't put it past your partner to behave in a very unwelcoming fashion) the guest is going to feel really uncomfortable.

Unfortunately I don't know what the answer is.

Tell him the truth: the spare room isn't set up for visitors but if he doesn't mind slumming it, he is welcome or there are some lovely air bnbs or whatever nearby.

Is it really such a bad thing for your husband to be uncomfortable for a few days?

Is his comfort most important? Over hosting an old family friend who has done so much for your family?

I can understand that you and your DP like your own space OP, (don't we all?) but I think as your friend hosted your son so well it would be pretty mean of you not to return the favour. You don't need to go mad and re-decorate your home for goodness sake, as long as it's clean your and you act welcoming I'm pretty sure your friend won't be worried about the decor.

I think when your son stayed there you sort of implicitly already said yes. If you'd not wanted to you shouldn't have arranged for your son to stay there. But they need to take you as you are - there is no need to decorate for guests. If they want hotel standard, they need to book a hotel. I think they will be very happy with just a bed in a reasonably clean house. So don't let this grow bigger than it really is in your head. Find a few hours to set aside to clean the room up well and get some dinner in - nothing else is needed.

If you can't do it, you can't. But I'd be very careful in future, not to expect anyone to host you or your children since you can't reciprocate.

Did you ask him to host your DS, or did your DS organise the trip without your input?

If you asked him to host DS, then I think you have to reciprocate.

Is DP your DS’s father?

As a PP said, don’t decorate. Do have it clean and tidy.

Assuming DP is not DS’s son, can you explain that his discomfort over this is adding to your worries and have an adult discussion over ways to minimise DPs stress about this? Hopefully he will reassure you that you should go ahead.

I also can’t help thinking it isn’t really a proper home for you, if all the time you’re faced with the knowledge it’s his. Do you pay him rent? I understand the temptation to move in with a partner rent free, but genuinely wouldn’t want to leave myself without somewhere that I had proper rights to, either through ownership or rental.

I dread the thoughts of overnight guests too and I have been in situations where I couldn't say no ( I don't think you can say no here )
Here's what I have learnt:
The thoughts and dread of hosting are worse than the experience.
Guests aren't expecting 5 star facilities but a normal home.
Pile the junk in the corner of the room and cover it with a blanket and mention that the room is used for storage. All they need is access to the bed and have a place to hang their clothes ( a chair will do).
Tell your guest to make themselves at home and help themselves to tea/coffee/bread etc.
Cook something really simple. Maybe spaghetti bolognese with a mixed salad ( supermarket bag) and crusty bread. The guests will probably eat out themselves and wont expect food every night but do cook once.
Leave out cereals/bread the night before for breakfast, so you can lie in if they are early risers.
Most of all, RELAX! Nobody wants a host stessing and under pressure. Be yourself and enjoy the company.

You shouldn't take what you're not prepared to give. If he is not welcome to stay at yours you should not have used his hospitality for your DS.

It's a few days, grow up.

Well it’s not often we have the CF themselves posting!
You and your DH sound miserable and selfish, this person put your son up but you can’t make any effort to return the favour?
Clean and tidy your house and tell your grumpy DH to grow up.

There's no need to decorate. Do you do this for every visitor?
I would let him stay. Plus he has guests staying at his so shouldn't be a cfer. Plus a great way to catch up in person and your dp can get to know him better.