To be fuming at DH for lying about where he just went...

[JollyRocker]

He told me at 9pm this evening he was off to the cinema. (Background: We often go by ourselves as it’s local and sometimes we just need to get out after a day with three kids and we can’t always get a sitter, so nothing unusual about him going on his own.) I was exhausted and fancied an early night so went up to bed. About 15 mins later he returns and comes upstairs. I asked what happened. He said he changed his mind and just didn’t fancy the movie after all. I felt like it was fishy and suspected he had been out for a cigarette (he knows how much I hate smoking) so I go closer to him and can smell the stench of his cigarette. He admitted it of course. And I don’t think he had any intention of going to the cinema. Absolutely livid right now that he lied about where he was going and then lied again when he got home. I’ve never blown up at him over smoking (he tends to have one maybe every month or every few weeks when he is stressed about work, and he knows I dislike it but I’ve never gone overboard about it. What I’m angrier about is the lying. Am I overreacting??

Yes

Yes

I would say to him that you hoped he would just be honest with the soking. My husband has given up a few times then started again. One day he told me, I said I know. (I can smell it.). Told him I rather he say, but he didn't want me to nag him or whatever.

Yes definitely over-reacting!

I don't think YABU at all. My ex used to lie about it too and it infuriated me.

Crumbs, I thought you were going to say he's disappeared for hours, you sound like hard work op!

If he only does it when he's stressed about something, maybe you should be focussing on why he's done it rather than how you feel about it?

Why is it that people on here are always 'fuming'? Nobody in real life seems to 'fume' anywhere near this often.

Yes

The 'fuming' thing is actually pretty ironic given the complaint is about smoking...

Yes. If you want him to tell you the truth, try not to go ballistic when he tells you things you don't like.

Well I can’t really help him with the work stress, as his job takes up most of his time - I do everything possible when he works at home like look after kids and make food for him and even take the kids out if he has an important work conference call etc, and while I sympathise and try to get him to work a little less and enjoy free time a little more he is a bit of a workaholic. The stress comes from the demands of his job and his colleagues etc. But despite the stress he says he enjoys what he does. As for me being hard work, sorry but I expect total honesty in a marriage - if he lies about this which I’m relieved to hear many of you think is a little thing, does it mean he could quite easily lie to me about bigger things?

I don’t think you’re overreacting. Smoking is vile and it’s pretty shitty to be sloping about lying about it. Smoking is deal breaker for me!

No

N.B I’m only “fuming” (no pun intended) on the inside, I most certainly don’t go ballistic at him for smoking, just show that I’m disappointed and make it clear I don’t like the habit. I don’t see why he has to lie when he gets quite a tame reaction.

Thanks skittlenommer - that’s exactly the point, its a dealbreaker for me too yet I also feel like it’s too small an issue to end a marriage over!

I don't think it's ok for him to go creeping around dishonesty. I mean, like he was going to get away wih such a feeble lie anyway, coming back stinking of fags.

Its a deal-breaker for me too. Hate the things.

I would probably have to ask him to stay well clear of me if he'd smoked, but he wouldn't have to lie or justify himself. Just not force it on me it stinks and isbharmful

Sorry I do think you’re overreacting. Maybe he did intend to go to the cinema (and have a sneaky cigarette on the way) and genuinely did change his mind when he saw what was on?! Or maybe he did lie, making a show of being disappointed in a grown adult is pretty demeaning. He’s an adult and it’s his decision to smoke. If you want him to be honest about when he feels like he needs a cigarette then cut the guilt trip. He probably feels like you’re piling it on if he typically only smokes when he’s stressed at work.

Thanks truthontrial - agree that it’s disgusting!!

Why is it that people on here are always 'fuming'?

And if they’re not fuming they’re livid. I never hear that in RL either. 😂

Oh and don’t get me started on the double standard here - if God forbid I smoked he would definitely NOT tolerate it. It’s cognitive dissonance at its finest - he knows full well how filthy and harmful a habit it is, yet he still does it ?! I get that he’s a grown man, but he also knows I never would’ve dated or married a smoker. I don’t think I’m ready to accept that I just let him get on with it.

My ex-husband and my current husband both smoke and I do hate it. I do however have a lot of technical knowledge of addiction and I do not think lying about going out for a cigarette is a sign of being easily dishonest about anything else.

Smokers, like all addicts, don't think about smoking in the same way as the rest of us. Addictive substances give us the ability to bypass our usual reservations, inhibitions and even morals if it results in the addiction being fed.

KellyHall - that’s interesting and really useful to know, thanks!

hate smoking though so dont know how id get past it.it feels like it cant be a dealbreaker if you love someone or are in a longterm relationship.but i dont know how it couldnt be either!