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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming at DH for lying about where he just went...

155 replies

JollyRocker · 07/09/2019 23:41

He told me at 9pm this evening he was off to the cinema. (Background: We often go by ourselves as it’s local and sometimes we just need to get out after a day with three kids and we can’t always get a sitter, so nothing unusual about him going on his own.) I was exhausted and fancied an early night so went up to bed. About 15 mins later he returns and comes upstairs. I asked what happened. He said he changed his mind and just didn’t fancy the movie after all. I felt like it was fishy and suspected he had been out for a cigarette (he knows how much I hate smoking) so I go closer to him and can smell the stench of his cigarette. He admitted it of course. And I don’t think he had any intention of going to the cinema. Absolutely livid right now that he lied about where he was going and then lied again when he got home. I’ve never blown up at him over smoking (he tends to have one maybe every month or every few weeks when he is stressed about work, and he knows I dislike it but I’ve never gone overboard about it. What I’m angrier about is the lying. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 08/09/2019 00:13

Would you moan to him if he’d been honest?

It would really annoy me if my husband lied. More than if he’d done something I didn’t much like.

That said, he’s an adult, and if he chooses to go out and smoke occasionally, and does it in a way that means the impact on you is minimised as far as possible, then you to accept he’s an adult and has the right to make decisions about his own health.

So he’s wrong to lie. What he should have done is stand up to you and tell you that your commentary on his occasional smoking is not acceptable and that you need to back off. But that’s hard to do, so he’s chosen what appeared to be the easy way, and lied.

chickenyhead · 08/09/2019 00:15

He is ashamed of it so is trying to do it in secret

Keep up your non acceptance and it should remain at once a month.

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 00:16

I don’t get the decisions about health thing. I’m of the opinion that as parents, decisions about our health are decisions that impact the whole family. And there have been times when he’s been honest about it and just told me straight away that he’s had one, and I’ve been quite nice about it (concerned about him and his stress etc) rather than moaned

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Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 00:19

chickenyhead - here’s hoping! I’m afraid it would be a certain dealbreaker if he became a regular smoker.

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Rachelover40 · 08/09/2019 00:24

Yes you are over reacting if he only occasionally has a cigarette and not at home. There are worse things than the odd fag you know, at least he's not snorting coke. (I know it isn't either/or.)

Please try and see this in proportion. Everyone has a weakness, it sounds as though your husband's weakness is very small in the scheme of things. A packet of 20 a day is a big one but not the occasional smoke. He shouldn't have lied to you, if he did actually lie, I'm not quite clear on that but he knew what your reaction would be. He's a grown man, if he wants to smoke sometimes when he isn't with you there's no law against it.

TruthOnTrial · 08/09/2019 00:28

To a degree, yes, joint decisions about health and wellbeing effects on family, but, at the end of the day he can choose to veer away and do things that are not conducive to good partnership and wellbeing, because of an addiction. His choice, but keep yoie boundaries firm, as in, stay away! Make sure he's clear he stays away as you hate smoke.

He can then choose to increase his smoking or not, and he'll have to deal with the consequences.

Goingonagondola · 08/09/2019 00:33

Not sure I'm buying this.

Saying you're going to the cinema to cover up popping out for a cigarette? That's a pretty dim lie isn't it? Why not say you're putting the bins out, going for a walk, popping up the road to see your mate etc. Things that take about the length of time a cigarette takes.

I don't believe you've got the whole story.

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 00:39

Gondola - you think he’s lying or you think I am? Not quite sure... but to answer your qs we already did the bins today. We don’t have mates who live locally as we only recently moved to this area. I suppose he could’ve said he’s going for a walk but in eight years of marriage he’s never once done that so it probably would’ve looked weird and suspicious. I didn’t bat an eyelid when he said he was going to the cinema as that’s so normal for both of us. And he looked up the showing he wanted to see before he left. Told me which movie and what time it starts and everything. And he was gone for just 15 mins which i think is about the time it takes to pop to our local shop, buy a pack and smoke. Not sure there’s anything more to the story but please do enlighten me if I am missing something!

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gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingonagondola · 08/09/2019 00:50

Sorry, not saying you are lying, saying there's something fishy about what happened. It seems unbelievably thick to say you're going to the cinema to cover for having a cigarette when one thing takes several hours and one thing takes 15 minutes. I just wonder what actually went through his mind tonight and why. It's quite an odd thing to do at 9pm if you only ever smoke one a month so are presumably not really addicted. I just feel like we're missing something.

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 00:57

Keto - I wouldn’t consider ending it over the odd cigarette - I would however consider it over multiple lies and regular smoking which I have always thought would be a dealbreaker.

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duvetsay · 08/09/2019 00:59

The lying is the issue, it's not acceptable.

I'd say to him that you just want honesty no matter how much he thinks it'll annoy or upset you. I'd go down a disappointed route rather than fuming. You'll just make him be more careful with his next lie

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 01:00

Gondola - these are really good points and the only way I can make sense of it is that he genuinely wanted to go to see the movie, planning the timing etc - and then changed his mind. In which case, IF true, then he hasn’t really lied apart from not being more upfront about the cigarette.

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gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 01:01

Agreed duvetstay it is more about the lie. Will take your advice thanks!

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Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 01:02

No sorry keto I think I’m not being very clear. I wouldn’t end things over tonight just because I’m angry. I would however end things if times like this became a regular occurrence

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gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 01:05

This reply has been deleted

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sweetiepie1979 · 08/09/2019 01:06

Oh god I can’t believe your still talking about this the poor man ! Yes you are over reacting and!
The fact you say he doesn’t do it often and that he does it when he’s stressed suggests he might need some support right now meaning let him enjoy a peaceful moment with his cigarette if he thinks that will help!

Fuma · 08/09/2019 01:06

Yeah, dump him. I mean, he works hard, it sounds like you don't, you presumably have quite a nice life, he doesn't cheat, he does his share of parenting, everything is going well but he has a cigarette what, once a month? Yeah, dump his lying ass. You'll be so much better off and he's obviously beyond redemption.

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 01:09

So you don't want him to lie but what would you have said if he said "I'm just popping out for a cigarette"?

gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 01:10

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differentnameforthis · 08/09/2019 01:11

No, you are not. If he is lying about this, what else is he hiding?

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 01:11

I wouldn’t end things over tonight just because I’m angry. I would however end things if times like this became a regular occurrence

Well, you might find that he makes the decision for you if he gets fed up with you trying to control him like this.

gilliansgardenbench · 08/09/2019 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuma · 08/09/2019 01:14

This is not true. I lie about smoking all the time and I am also a serial killer.