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Original poster

To be fuming at DH for lying about where he just went...

155 replies

JollyRocker · 07/09/2019 23:41

He told me at 9pm this evening he was off to the cinema. (Background: We often go by ourselves as it’s local and sometimes we just need to get out after a day with three kids and we can’t always get a sitter, so nothing unusual about him going on his own.) I was exhausted and fancied an early night so went up to bed. About 15 mins later he returns and comes upstairs. I asked what happened. He said he changed his mind and just didn’t fancy the movie after all. I felt like it was fishy and suspected he had been out for a cigarette (he knows how much I hate smoking) so I go closer to him and can smell the stench of his cigarette. He admitted it of course. And I don’t think he had any intention of going to the cinema. Absolutely livid right now that he lied about where he was going and then lied again when he got home. I’ve never blown up at him over smoking (he tends to have one maybe every month or every few weeks when he is stressed about work, and he knows I dislike it but I’ve never gone overboard about it. What I’m angrier about is the lying. Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 08/09/2019 06:09

He admitted it of course.

That’s positive

PhilCornwall1 · 08/09/2019 06:24

At the end of the day he lied, because he fancied a ciggy and knew you would be disapproving. Even if you don't say anything, he will pick up a vibe from you.

If he fancies the odd ciggy, leave him to it, it's his decision, he's an adult. It's not like he's toking away on 20 a day is it?

SoyDora · 08/09/2019 07:07

Ah I get it OP, I absolutely hate smoking (the smell honestly makes me gag) and never would have married someone who smoked. I think my hatred comes from having parents who smoked (they did it outside so thought there was no impact to us but i used to hate the smell on their clothes). He obviously knows how you feel about it, which is why he lied (not sure how he thought you wouldn’t notice!).
As an aside... this is batshit...

eyebrows reading that you each go to the cinema alone - I'm not the jealous type, but no way could I agree to that or handle it

Handle what?! Your partner watching a film on his own?? Unless you think he’d be hitting on women while he’s there, in which case your relationship has other issue.

People keep making digs about the OP not working. She has clearly stated that she does work, and also does all the housework/childcare/everything else to facilitate his long hours.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2019 07:07

He is a smoker though
If it's actually a dealbreaker then you know what to do

Costacoffeeplease · 08/09/2019 07:22

Poor bloke, sounds like he’s 12 round the back of the bike sheds

SunshineCake · 08/09/2019 07:33

Nothing is too small to end a marriage over if it matters to you. Smoking kills. It is an idiotic thing to do and anyone under forty who does it is plain thick. It's not like we've not known about the dangers for decades. Plus smokers stink. They just think they don't.

womaninthedark · 08/09/2019 08:14

People in couples seem to be very intolerant of each other. Humans are flawed, that's how we're made.

Juells · 08/09/2019 08:16

The extent to which some people allow someone else to control them is staggering. Not to mention how entitled the controlling person feels. If I had to lie about wanting a cigarette now and again I'd leave a partner.

Yabbers · 08/09/2019 08:24

You don’t say “I’m off to the cinema” as a lie so you can slope off for a cigarette. You say “My head hurts, I’m going for a walk” or “I’m just going out to the garage” etc.

But, in any event, he is a grown up and it’s best to ask yourself why he needs to hide it from you, that’s the real problem in the relationship, not the fact he might lie.

EskewedBeef · 08/09/2019 08:24

It isn't that bad is it? The odd cigarette isn't likely it to shorten his life any more than regularly breathing in traffic fumes or lighting an occasional bonfire.

I'm not a smoker, but I don't think anyone having a cigarette as a relaxant is a bad person or a disappointment.

Leflic · 08/09/2019 08:36

As a sneaky smoker myself I really want to know what he does with the rest of the packet.
It’s been a nightmare since you can only buy large expensive amounts rather than 10 or a small packet.
As I was a non regular smoker I became a twice a day girl ( rollies) because no way was I wasting £15 of tobacco.
I don’t know what your DH smokes but he’s either got 19 other cigarettes or a large amount of tobacco to get through now.

GetUpAgain · 08/09/2019 08:43

I'd never marry a smoker - if DH started smoking I don't know what I would do. I feel angry just thinking about it! OP I do think if you also took up smoking that might be the quickest way to stop it. Give him a taste of his own medicine/poison.

Juells · 08/09/2019 08:56

OP I do think if you also took up smoking that might be the quickest way to stop it.

Oh you're right 😂

Original poster
JollyRocker · 08/09/2019 09:00

Lots of really helpful posts here - thank you SoyDora, Leflic and GetUpAgain.

Said he binned the rest of the pack - I’m sure he knows he would be as terrible at hiding them as he is at lying (seeing as I clean the whole house and wash his clothes etc) so he got rid of them ...that was one expensive cig. And he knows they’re shit and harmful, perfect example of cognitive dissonance.

Anyway, obviously not going to LTB over it but reassuring to hear that many of you feel the same as me when it comes to smoking, and also helpful to hear from those of you who think I overreacted.

Still, I think I did the right thing by not being over the moon about it, you don’t turn a blind eye or congratulate someone you love when they take up a life threatening habit. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Lowlandlucky · 08/09/2019 09:11

Dont you think you are being a CF to assume he never had any intention on going to the cinema ? No doubt you would be fuming if he to you what you felt,wanted or planned. You are not a mind reader

Swellerellamoo · 08/09/2019 09:26

Total over reaction.

Adviceorhelp · 08/09/2019 09:26

You are overreacting. But I’m the same. Small things like this trigger something in me. I’m going to discuss it with a therapist. That’s not to say you need a therapist at all. Just reading your post I thought to myself I totally understand why you feel as you do. And it’s hard work to feel like this.

Jayaywhynot · 08/09/2019 09:53

@KellyHall exactly! I'm a smoker seriously trying to quit, it's an addiction. I'm on champix (wish me luck) most smokers know it's a horrible habit and its becoming more socially unacceptable. However, if OPs DH is hanging out, desperate for that odd smoke hes going to lie especially if he knows shes going to disapprove. Non smokers dont understand the addiction. Iv been smoking for 40 yrs, started as a teenager to be cool Hmm I really believe that most smokers, the ones I know, wish they could give up. OP needs to cut her DH a bit of slack, shes not too worried about the odd smoke but is annoyed about lying about it, hes going to all the time if shes going to disaprove. Grown ups shouldn't have to lie, shes his wife not his mother

Juells · 08/09/2019 10:05

Grown ups shouldn't have to lie, shes his wife not his mother

^^ this

ThirstyGhost · 08/09/2019 10:19

No one likes to feel judged, which it's possible to express with quiet disappointment as much as nagging. He likely feels shitty about having the odd smoke himself. But given that it's the v occasional cigarette like you're saying outside the house I'd just leave him to it.

I go to the cinema by myself for similar reasons to you and DH and could see myself changing my mind if there wasn't a film I really wanted to see and heading back home. Only difference to your DH is that I'd pick up a cake to scoff on the way home rather than a sneaky fag.

Cheeserton · 08/09/2019 10:24

Nothing is too small to end a marriage over if it matters to you.

What a ridiculous statement. Have to strongly disagree, what with the promising lifelong commitment and all ending such over petty nonsense would be totally shit...

LucieFurr · 08/09/2019 10:28

You're overreacting. You've put him in a position where he feels like he has to lie as he knows what your reaction would be if he told you the truth.

You sound like hard work

cushioncovers · 08/09/2019 10:38

Yes you overreacted. He should be able to go outside for a cigarette if he wants. The fact that he lied to hide it from you and then you went up to sniff him shows that you're being too overbearing imo.

I take it he was an occasional smoker when you met him? Or has he just taken up the habit?

LeysaV · 08/09/2019 10:58

FFS

You massively overreacted

Why not do the man a favour and leave him ? You, as somebody else said, are not his boss, mother or controller !

TruthOnTrial · 08/09/2019 12:19

There are some pretty extreme and snarky reactions on here to OP, which is a bit rich when they are saying OP is overreacting 😂😂😂

Calm down, blimey.