To be fuming at DH for lying about where he just went...

[JollyRocker]

He told me at 9pm this evening he was off to the cinema. (Background: We often go by ourselves as it’s local and sometimes we just need to get out after a day with three kids and we can’t always get a sitter, so nothing unusual about him going on his own.) I was exhausted and fancied an early night so went up to bed. About 15 mins later he returns and comes upstairs. I asked what happened. He said he changed his mind and just didn’t fancy the movie after all. I felt like it was fishy and suspected he had been out for a cigarette (he knows how much I hate smoking) so I go closer to him and can smell the stench of his cigarette. He admitted it of course. And I don’t think he had any intention of going to the cinema. Absolutely livid right now that he lied about where he was going and then lied again when he got home. I’ve never blown up at him over smoking (he tends to have one maybe every month or every few weeks when he is stressed about work, and he knows I dislike it but I’ve never gone overboard about it. What I’m angrier about is the lying. Am I overreacting??

Lol @ some of these reactions. Thank you Truthontrial I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds some of the replies a bit weird given that they’re the ones accusing me of overreacting (no doubt replies from smokers!)

Anyway I’ve listened to some of the more sensible advice and cut the poor sod some slack - he’s apologised again this morning and we’re off out as a family now. Thanks for all the replies!

"...to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." unless I catch you having a sneaky fag, you pariah, in which case it's all over between us.

Disclaimer: I've known too many sociopaths

I would suspect that the cigarette was a cover. He was 'going to the cinema' to meet someone, and then they couldn't make it. He didn't really want to go to the cinema, so smoked a cigarette as a reason to have 'lied'. So he can go back home and to bed.

Yes, OP would be annoyed, he knew that. But not half as annoyed as if she began to suspect an affair, or that he was doing drugs (or something else generally much worse than smoking).

But like I say, I'm viewing this through the lens of 'why would my ex or my brother have done that?'

OP I'm a smoker. I still don't think that you are wrong, I have never met a single honest smoker who would want their child to smoke.

And let's be honest, the statistics show clearly that children of smokers are far more likely to. It is an addiction and if your disapproval keeps it in check, keep up the bloody good work.

He may not have lied. He could have checked the cinema listing and had a smoke.
You don't think you're nagging but you said when he tells you he's had a cigarette you show faux concern about how stressed he must be at work, etc. It's infantilising. He doesn't need to be stressed to be smoking. His life doesn't need to be falling apart. He doesn't need to be 'not coping'. So when you think you're 'not nagging', you're actually reinforcing the idea that smoking is only acceptable in circumstances which you delineate.
fwiw I hate smoking. I'd be very annoyed if DH suddenly started but whether it's a leaving offence is a decision for me, not one to try to bully him into.

Did you know he smoked when you met him? If so and you decided to continue with the relationship then I think it's something your just going to have to accept. He's got to want to give up. You can't give up for anyone else. He lied because he knew you'd have a go at him. He's probably doing it more than you realise too.

I hope you have a lovely day out and it is nice that he apologized too. Speaking as someone trying to quit, can I recommend keeping an inhalator and cartridge pack in the house. It's good back up when you know there is nicotine around to help control the craving.

*FFS

You massively overreacted

Why not do the man a favour and leave him ? You, as somebody else said, are not his boss, mother or controller !*

And that's not an over reaction! The irony is hilarious.

Indeed!

Its hilarious the blindness and ignorance of some posts. The irony is on another level!
😂😂😂😂

The irony is on another level!

I know that if I felt I had to lie about something like having a cigarette it would be because I was with someone very controlling.

Not sure why you quoted me there and then made an unrelated statement.

Tbh, I don't need to. 😂😂😂

Not sure why you quoted me there and then made an unrelated statement.

it's not really unrelated. My understanding of your post was that you were implying anyone who thought the OP was over-reacting was over-reacting themselves.

I know that if I felt I had to lie about something like having a cigarette it would be because I was with someone very controlling.*

I think you'll find a lot of "non smokers, I've given up" smokers lie! No surprise at all that he lied. Don't think the OP is very controlling at all!

Ok, well it wasn't.

Still no reason to justify your comment that followed it, as they dont make sense in relation to each other.

it's not really unrelated. My understanding of your post was that you were implying anyone who thought the OP was over-reacting was over-reacting themselves.*

Sone of the reactions yours included are totally OTT! Honestly calling the OP very controlling is absurd.

The clue was in the word some

Like I said, iy matters not if you want to misconstrue my posts innorder yo write something so over-reactionary😂😂😂😂. You must see how funny that is.

Are you defending the over-reaction on this thread?

Not worth arguing about.

Sorry but yes yabu op.

Smoking is a deal breaker for me too. I work in respiratory medicine - effects of smoking ain't pretty!!!

If it became a regular thing I’d end it for sure. It’s just about the most unattractive thing a person can do. It’s an instant turn off. Super gross!

Perhaps he lies because he knows you'll overreact. He has 1 every month or so, if he was doing it constantly then yes grim but so infrequently when he's stressed. Don't add to it, live and let live.

Good god. The guy has a cigarette once in a blue moon when he's stressed? You don't need to like it - I get that. And clearly he does too, and felt like it was easier to fib than tell you the truth. If he was smoking multiple times, every day, denying that's what he was doing, refused to discuss the fact that it's a nasty habit and that you despise it, and hung about the house like a wet ashtray, I would understand your reaction.

He told a fib so he could de-stress 🤷🏼‍♀️Nicotine can psychologically be very difficult to eradicate from your life if you've ever been a smoker.

God I love mumsnet! It brings all sorts of interesting opinions out of the woodwork and it’s fascinating to see just how different we all are.

Thanks for the support TruthonTrial and spanglydangly. I’m grateful for the input. I’m also grateful for the comments about me being controlling, hard work, unreasonable, etc etc. Food for thought.

However, I really don’t think I would work full time with my first child, then part time (three days per week) with two kids and still do every single bit of housework, cooking and all the childcare out of school hours - if I was a controlling spouse. Believe me if I was controlling I’d try to get my DH to chip in a bit more. But I’m actually pretty chilled because I know he works hard too and provides a heck of a lot for us.

We’ve had a nice day out, lots of lovely alone time and lots of quality time with the kids too, thank you willow. And the topic hasn’t been brought up again (by me) though he did mention it again in the sense that it was a stupid thing to do (we are both quite health conscious so I reiterate this was serious cognitive dissonance on his part!)

I know many people - particularly smokers - don’t think it’s a big deal at all. But it’s the occasional cigarette that can lead to a full-on addiction, and the stats someone mentioned about the children of smokers more likely to smoke themselves are of course worrying. Who in their right mind would want their kids to smoke?? So I think my reaction was proportionate. And I should also reiterate that no, he did not smoke when we met, and we agreed at the outset that we both thought it a disgusting habit.

Anyway I hope and think it’s not something he will be continuing long term. Maybe the odd one here and there as a relaxant which he should of course be honest about. Had I been totally relaxed about it, and not shown any “disappointment”, that could be seen as an endorsement. And I think my disapproval SHOULD keep things in check so that it does not turn into an addiction.

I know I’m not his mother, and he’s not a child (though he may act it at times and therefore so do I!) but we have been happily married for eight years and yes of course that does not mean we are perfect - who is?! We are both far far from it. But I do feel bad for anyone whose partner would start something like this up, which everyone knows is extremely detrimental to their health, and not show disappointment/disapproval. I hope and believe that if I did something that was very bad for me, he’d also have words with me to help me stop!!

Thanks again all - everything’s fine now. Kids are going to bed and we’re going to snuggle up with a movie in a little bit. I’ll post again if I need to in future, it’s been genuinely helpful x

Crikey he must have had some serious stress going on in his life to take up smoking at such an "old age" Wonder who brought the stress into his life ?