To be fuming at DH for lying about where he just went...

[JollyRocker]

He told me at 9pm this evening he was off to the cinema. (Background: We often go by ourselves as it’s local and sometimes we just need to get out after a day with three kids and we can’t always get a sitter, so nothing unusual about him going on his own.) I was exhausted and fancied an early night so went up to bed. About 15 mins later he returns and comes upstairs. I asked what happened. He said he changed his mind and just didn’t fancy the movie after all. I felt like it was fishy and suspected he had been out for a cigarette (he knows how much I hate smoking) so I go closer to him and can smell the stench of his cigarette. He admitted it of course. And I don’t think he had any intention of going to the cinema. Absolutely livid right now that he lied about where he was going and then lied again when he got home. I’ve never blown up at him over smoking (he tends to have one maybe every month or every few weeks when he is stressed about work, and he knows I dislike it but I’ve never gone overboard about it. What I’m angrier about is the lying. Am I overreacting??

Am on it. 👌

I don't agree with most on this it seems. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Not even remotely. Smoking is a serious health issue (yes, I say this as a smoker, I am a hypocrite) but it can be a deal breaker for many. Regardless of that, the fact is he lied about it. I have to admit me I raised my eyebrows reading that you each go to the cinema alone - I'm not the jealous type, but no way could I agree to that or handle it. Regardless, he lied. Does he drink? If he said he was going to the pub for a bit, having a smoke would make sense in that context, if he is a casual smoker. I don't know how I'd go about this to be honest. But I do disagree with people that you are 'hard work' or over-reacting'. You sound like a normal concerned spouse to me.

Fuma - by far the strangest response I’ve received! For the record yes I do work very hard, I have a job, three children and do all the childcare - he works very long hours so isn’t always around to help with childcare even if he’s working at home. So no he doesn’t do his share of parenting. He doesn’t cheat, not to my knowledge anyway! Lol! Does that mean he is allowed to lie to me? Absolutely not. I’ve just told him he should be honest from now on (like he has been in the past and it has not been met with anger or confrontation in the slightest) and I didn’t understand why he tried to hide it from me tonight albeit for the one minute it took for me to smell it. He has apologised and has said if he ever needs to again he will just tell me. I’ve said I’d much prefer that. He still knows I dislike it so hopefully it won’t turn into a regular thing. And for those calling me controlling, I’m just worried about it turning into a regular thing, and I do feel very sorry for anyone who wouldn’t think to challenge their partner over a horrid habit that can be fatal?! Bizarre.

Must say I prefer smoking to chewing gum. The smell and sound of a wad of mouth germs being chomped on just about makes me heave. Cannot think of a more disgusting habit.

Someone asked about popping to the pub - nope neither of us drink, and on a side note I’m curious to know...what was the issue with going to the cinema alone? A lot of people I know do it (especially those with very young children) it’s quite a nice bit of me time and I get to watch a film I like!

Thank you SaraNade :-)

Agreed. I had an ex that chewed gum actually.

They never found him.

I do hope.op that you don't do anything that could be injurious bro your health - don't drink, eat unhealthy food, weigh too much, engage in dangerous sports etc etc.

Must be great to be such a paragon of virtue.

Someone mentioned rage - doesn’t really apply as I didn’t and have never gone mental at him for smoking, even though I feel angry, hence the venting original post! So no idea why he would need to lie to avoid the “rage”

Decomposing - don’t be basic.

Look, lady, if you want to chop your husband into tiny pieces because he's had a crafty fag, who are we to judge. We all know that the greatest threat to human civilization is another person doing something we don't like. Find your safe space, repeat your mantra and think of the orang-utans.

Decomposing - don’t be basic.

But why can't an adult make his own decisions about what he does?

You don't like smoking, I understand, so don't smoke. But why does that mean that he can't smoke?

Perhaps read the title, decomposing. I think you missed the point - like I said it was more about the lying than the smoking, although yes as I’ve made abundantly clear I do not care for either! But the lying is worse.

Given that he wasn't a smoker when you married and that you say he knew you wouldn't have gotten into a long term relationship or married a smoker I don't actually think you are mad he lied and I can kind of see why you express your dislike and disappointment when he goes out for one.

I think some responses are because it's not clear in your first post that he hasnt been a smoker since the start of your relationship and that's it's a habit he'd started after marriage. My 20 year old brother has just started smoking and the whole family have told him he's daft and my mother tells him she thought he was smarter than to fuck with his health like he is when he goes out for one.

If he was lying and sneaking out to feed any other addiction I think your responses would have been very different.

Spot on JudgyPants - I don’t think I made that clear so thanks for emphasising. He knew full well neither of us would’ve married and had children with smokers. Hopefully he and your brother will see sense one day!!

....or maybe he did just change his mind. The having a crafty cig and not going to the cinema cos he decided he couldn’t be bothered are not mutually exclusive things.

You need to calm down.

I've read the title op.

I just don't think he would have lied if you weren't so disapproving of his very occasional cigarette.

If in future he's up front about where he's going will you accept it?

Owlbethere I agree. I think the changing his mind bit is probably genuine, when previously I thought it was a dumb excuse to get out and have a cig. He could’ve just said he was going to the shop for something else and bought it. Rest assured I’ve calmed down now

Decomposing - I think the answer to your question very much depends on how often this happens, if it continues to be a once a month sort of thing, then I guess I can accept that, even if he tells me beforehand. More frequent - then I’d class him as a smoker and that would be much harder to take... like I said we weren’t smokers when we met and married and had kids and we agreed we both hated it. And there’s also the double standard that he would 100% give me an ultimatum if I ever took up the habit.