Will someone please hold my coat?

[Aposterhasnoname]

I’m going on holiday, as in, I’m sat in the taxi for the airport outside my house waiting for “D”H, AKA King Faffer.

This morning I’ve emptied the fridge, and the bins, cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen, vacuumed, showered, finished my packing and was stood in the hallway with my case waiting for the taxi, five minutes before it arrived. DH meanwhile, has faffed.

After waiting in the taxi for around ten minutes, I went to look for him. HE WAS MOWING THE FUCKING LAWN!!

After a brief exchange of views I’m now sat back in the taxi while KF “locks up”.

AIBU to say there’s not a jury in the land would convict me and ask someone to please hold my coat while I club him to death with the fucking strimmer.

Omg! Mine does this wtf!
No taxi we usually take the car but last time we were all waiting for him and he was hovering under the couch cushions when I found him. He has never ever done that before ever. I think it’s an anxiety thing personally

Lol Witchend at your Dad’s pantomime performance with his costume changes.

I must admit when leaving I wave to an upstairs window and shout “and don’t forget to walk the dog” to an empty and dog free house.

It was certainly never boring, Alwaysgrey, but it now means I think like a criminal

My husband drives me to despair with his faffing, but this is a step further than even he would go. (He would probably still be getting out the shower, but would certainly not be prioritising the lawn over a waiting taxi!). I feel rage on your behalf!

Oh wow. This is the kind of thing my DH would do hope you have a great holiday!

There's a fragrance called New Mown Hay. Maybe he was after that smell.... Now you need a holiday OP after those antics. I'm afraid I have no defence as I'm the faffer in our domain as I'm always wondering if I've forgotten anything (this is after doing everything like you thou and dh just packs and stands by the door impatiently whilst I'm having a last minute wee...)

I have no words - brilliant thread - enjoy your holiday!

Not sure if this is worse or not ....my DH will intentionly leave leaving till the last moment , as why be there too early ?!? Will not leave a contingency 10 min . So .... Iv run like a loon to pick up DGS from school for hospital appointment as heavens opened and trafic slowed ... Iv sat seathing with both DPL ashes on my lap on way to inter (?) them cought behind bin van and finally lost my shit when stuck behind vintage car and caravan on country lane going to have lunch on a barge as it sailed up river ... did he think he was Canute ! And OP I’ll swear you were with me ! ( if you’ll vouch for me when time comes )

I cured my KF. Everywhere we went, he had to be herded like a fecking sheep, otherwise he would wander off and find someone to chat to for half an hour. Leaving the house would work like clockwork, until I literally had my hand on the door handle and then he would declare that he needed a cup of coffee.

Since I couldn't drive (another long story!) I had no choice but to wait and seethe. I was late for everything and no journey was not interrupted by him needing to stop and wander off (including my return from hospital after a miscarriage).

After I learnt to drive and bought my own car, it all change after the day I just left without him. We had been shopping and I needed to get home for the kids, but he wanted to talk to some old friend he has met in the shop, so I loaded up the car and left. I did come back for him after I'd fetched the kids and he was steaming mad at me, but now when I say "I'm leaving without you in 5 minutes" he knows that I mean it and he manages to get his shit together on time.

The compulsive gossiping with every single person he has ever met hasn't stopped, but I prefer to shop alone anyway.

@SingingLily this does not surprise me. Much like his Dad DH can be a tad paranoid about this kind of thing.
Back in the 80's FIL used to throw a cushion in front of the video so burglars couldn't see the clock shinning through the window 😂

Next time you go away mow the lawn, trim edges etc the night before.

That’ll fuck him right up.

So you're going to sit in a taxi and a plane beside a man who smells faintly of wet cut grass?

God there's always one isn't there? Besides I think that's the least of OP's problems haha.

Sadly, not just the one. Another upthread was all ‘eew. Isn’t he going to need a shower after mowing the lawn?’ Or it may have been the same one.🙄

I do have some sympathy for him, AlanThePig.

Here in my sleepy low-crime West Country village where everyone knows everyone else and the village gossip telegraph is faster than the broadband connection, hardly anyone locks their doors. Ever.

Well apart from me. Locks, triple locks, bolts, double-strength doors, light timers, audible deterrents; I've got the lot. And they all get set before I leave the house just to go to the village shop, never mind on holiday. They think it's quaint.

Mine is the same. 😭

Absolutely no court in the land would convict you! Besides you’d have about 60 alibis

But on a serious note- it’s really not acceptable is it?! What are you going to do about it - he’s treating you badly AND the taxi driver and potentially the taxi drivers other customers after your trip. My giid friend is a taxi driver and some days he had back to back airport runs. A delayed flight is bad enough, but a customer being a twat is avoidable. You’re lucky he hasn’t told you he won’t pick you up anymore. DH is lucky you haven’t left him (yet)

I get your thread is lighthearted, but hus behaviour really isn’t is it?

I hopr you enjoy your holiday 🍹☀️

Thank you OP, that really made me giggle. I'm sure it's not funny for you, I think some people are just not logical and a bit "faffy".

My DH is very thorough with things, I'm a bit slap dash, so I think he takes too long to do many things, but he says it attention detail and it saves him doing it twice. No it's just bloody annoying 😳😳

It is indeed rude and arrogant behaviour and by making light of it only encourages the OP's partner to continue behaving like this.
The taxi driver should have driven off after 10 mins.

Sounds hideously like my ex who was downstairs sweeping the Rayburn chimney while I was upstairs in labour and the midwife was trying to go back and forth through the kitchen between her car and my room.

She didn't really see the funny side of it. Come to that, neither did I!

Witchend I am speechless. I bow to your father's faffery extroadinaire. How your Mum did not just hit him with the spade and be done with I do not know.

My ex was the opposite. Whenever we went ANYWHERE all he had to do was get up, showered, dressed, in the car with the engine running.

On the other hand I'd had to get up hours before him, showered, dressed, baby and toddler up, dressed, changed, breakfasted, changed again, bags packed, wash up breakfast things, put bags/cases/kids in car, make sure house was locked. Whilst he just sat there getting angry instead of helping out.

You have my sympathies op. And an alibi.

High fives fellow gaffer @44Blamangeme

However, it's fair to say I would NOT be mowing the lawn in this scenario!

Fellow faffer not gaffer, autocorrect you twat

who even does that? For a stat it’s rude. Secondly it’s a waste of money. Talk about controlling...

@Witchend your dad sounds a bit like me. I'm slightly obsessed with people seeing me leave my house. I have imaginary shouty conversations as I'm locking the door with my son who is isn't in the house in front of taxi drivers. If going on holiday I order a taxi from another address round the corner and walk there to wait outside with my suitcases. I know it's mad.

find a small extra space in a suitcase for one of the dc who's suddenly realised they can't spend a week away from something

Anyone else envisaging a small child being tucked into the suitcase?