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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS16 staying at girlfriends

104 replies

Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:06

DS16 started dating a girl a few weeks ago. He seems really into her & she regulary comes over to hangout. DS has been a stroppy teenager ever since his GCSEs (he did very well). He seems to be challenging everything we say to him - acting like he’s got the grades now - so he should be able to do whatever he likes. This evening he sent a WhatsApp on our family chat (me, him & my DH) asking if he could stay at his girlfriends. I said - no way - and DH just went nuts - saying I was being petty and that I’m deliberately doing this to annoy him. AIBU - not allowing him to stay the night? By all accounts her parents are “chill” and he thinks we are being weird about something that is normal ??

OP posts:
GabbyChalice400 · 06/09/2019 23:08

I think 16 is a bit young personally, although obviously they are of legal age.

18 on the other hand, yes

Original poster
Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:08

Sorry should’ve said DS16 went mental. DH was not happy at all and supported my decision that he should not be allowed to stay over.

OP posts:
ooooohbetty · 06/09/2019 23:10

YANBU. 3 weeks isn't a serious relationship. I would say no too.

BarbedBloom · 06/09/2019 23:11

Honestly, they are most likely having sex anyway so it wouldn't bother me given they are both of legal age. Sorting out his behavior should be dealt with on an issue by issue basis. But I am fairly relaxed to be honest and I would rather my teenagers be having sex somewhere safe than in parks like I did

KellyHall · 06/09/2019 23:11

I left home when I was 16 and moved 150 miles from my family.

You know where he is going, who he is with, he's likely to have already done what you assume he's going to be doing anyway.

What exactly do you object to about them spending the night together, at a safe home with her family, that you wouldn't object to during the day?

BarbedBloom · 06/09/2019 23:13

Ah I missed that it was a few weeks, I read as few months. So it may more be the casual sex issue that is coming up here. I suppose you can't prevent them having sex but you could sit down with him and discuss when you and your DH feel it may be acceptable. That way it opens a conversation

Lollypop701 · 06/09/2019 23:14

I’d want to speak to the other parents tbh... because they might be away!

FVFrog · 06/09/2019 23:17

Just because he’s staying over doesn’t necessarily mean they are sleeping in the same room (although I’m sure there will be some creeping around...). They are 16, I would prioritise a conversation with DS about consent and contraception and how you and DH would want him to view any sexual relationship as being a part of a long term loving and respectful relationship. Teenage years are hard!

Original poster
Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:18

This is probably naive but I don’t even know if he is having sex - but I just think 16 is too young. I’m also irritated that he’s acting like he can do whatever he likes - like we have no authority. Maybe it’s a cultural thing - we’re indian and I wasn’t even allowed to have a BF - so it’s just so starkly different to how I grew up.

OP posts:
pigeononthegate · 06/09/2019 23:19

My 16yo DS is at his girlfriends tonight, and she stays at ours fairly frequently too. He'll be 17 in a few days though, but I'm aware it's not a popular stance on MN. They've been together more than a year and are sensible, decent kids with their heads screwed on, I trust them and I'd rather they were safe and warm among family than in a bloody field somewhere. Her parents aren't particularly "chill" but they don't object to the relationship, nor do they see any point in pretending it's not happening.

Chocolatecake12 · 06/09/2019 23:24

If he’s old enough to be staying at girlfriends he’s old enough to start behaving in a more grown up manner.
Him going nuts is not acceptable and shows his immaturity.
Sit him down and explain this, make sure you’ve had an extensive conversation about contraception, consent and protection against sti’s. (a long drive for this chat is a good idea as they can’t slam out if the room or slink off in embarrassment and you’re not face to face!)
Parenting teenagers is not easy!

TinyGhostWriter · 06/09/2019 23:24

A few weeks? No.

cranstonmanor · 06/09/2019 23:26

This is probably naive but I don’t even know if he is having sex - but I just think 16 is too young.

I always find it weird when parents decide about their childs sex lives (once of legal age that is). Surely that's his own private business? Why do you get to decide about his penis?

underthebridgedowntown · 06/09/2019 23:27

Let him stay there! He's old enough to go into the army ffs. I was staying at my boyfriend's house at 16 going on 17 - he and I slept together after two weeks of officially being together, stayed together 3 years, so it wasn't casual sex as PPs have intimated.

It sounds like you want to keep him as a child - no, he can't do whatever he wants and his attitude does sound poor, but perhaps you need to let go a bit and let him grow up. Giving trust and independence can do amazing things for some teens.

GetUpAgain · 06/09/2019 23:30

I think you are right to say no, given his attitude and he hasn't known her long. I know teens will have sex, just think its important to support them in building a relationship gradually rather than going from dating to staying over very quickly. Staying all night gives a relationship a certain level of intensity/seriousness which I am not sure is helpful to rush into.

Oopsinamechangedagain2020 · 06/09/2019 23:31

You're lucky he even told you where he was! At that age I'd have just told my parents I was staying at a friends.

Also when I did have a more serious relationship at 16 (but after gcse year) my parents would let him stay over in my bed. But his parents made us sleep in separate rooms. We just had sex quietly in his room before he left to sleep on the sofa at 11pm!

Just because he's sleeping at his girlfriends doesn't mean they're in the same bed. But even if they're not allowed to sleep in each other's beds and/or houses they're probably having sex anyway!

I can understand you having rules at your own house but at the weekend at his girlfriends I think you're being unreasonable.

You should definitely lecture him about safe sex though.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 06/09/2019 23:37

A ‘relationship’ of a few weeks? No.

He can wait a few months.

Have you talked to him about safe sex, condoms,, respect for girls?

Fightingbeing40 · 06/09/2019 23:41

My 16 yr old son and his girlfriend(17) went on holiday with us and shared a room, they have been together for nearly 2 years, before that he regularly asked to stay at hers but was only 15 so I didn’t allow him, even although she was older.
Is your problem him staying over or the short length of time they have been together it that if you allow him then you are setting the scene for the next girlfriend and then he would expect similar?
Have a chat with him and try and come to a compromise of when you would be happy etc.
It is hard to accept they are grown up and having adult relationships, but they are both legal age and whatever stage they are at in their relationship will be the same whether you allow them to stay over or not

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/09/2019 23:48

Definitely you need to both sit down and talk to him about safe sex and contraception. Ideally he should be using condoms and she should be on the pill.

I put the fear of God into DS1 about how disastrous it would be if he got someone pregnant. At least with your daughters you can make sure they are on the pill.

Shockers · 06/09/2019 23:55

How old is his girlfriend? Are you sure her parents are there?

Pumpkintopf · 07/09/2019 00:02

We're in the same position. DS 16, new girlfriend of three weeks. I wouldn't be letting him stay over. Too young, and too early.

savingshoes · 07/09/2019 00:24

Your family values and morals need to be respected. He is part of your family and regardless of his age, has boundaries.

This is as much as a new thing for him as it is for you as the parents and perhaps he thinks if he puts up this big fuss you are less likely to challenge him about sex.

Dating a few weeks and staying over is way too short a time period. Demand that he respects your decision to not stay over but invite the girlfriend and her family over for dinner another time.

Talk to your son about your family's culture and why it's important to you and then work together to decide how to move forward from here with regards to his relationship with his girlfriend.

The alternative is that you set yourself up for a future with your son staying at dates houses after a few weeks of dating and them staying at yours. There's nothing wrong with being the 'chil' parents but this is what this might mean.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2019 02:05

He's 16. He's still a child. An older child, yes, but still very young and not ready for possible very serious consequences. Be a parent, not his friend. Tell him the answer is no.

Weenurse · 07/09/2019 03:17

I would be having the consent and contraception talk.
Done in the car so they cannot escape.
Followed by the condom on the banana,’ this is the correct method’ show and tell.
It embarsses them, but they then realise if Mum is ok with this she is safe to talk to about anything.

ColaFreezePop · 07/09/2019 03:31

Just a warning OP - you can tell him "No" and he can ignore you as he's a teen not a small child.

You both individually should have been having conversations with him about your culture, sex, consent, respecting his sexual partner, etc from when he started secondary school. You can still have them and need to start asap - as you won't be happy if next week he dumps the gf and has a new one - but it won't sink in as well.

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