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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS16 staying at girlfriends

104 replies

Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:06

DS16 started dating a girl a few weeks ago. He seems really into her & she regulary comes over to hangout. DS has been a stroppy teenager ever since his GCSEs (he did very well). He seems to be challenging everything we say to him - acting like he’s got the grades now - so he should be able to do whatever he likes. This evening he sent a WhatsApp on our family chat (me, him & my DH) asking if he could stay at his girlfriends. I said - no way - and DH just went nuts - saying I was being petty and that I’m deliberately doing this to annoy him. AIBU - not allowing him to stay the night? By all accounts her parents are “chill” and he thinks we are being weird about something that is normal ??

OP posts:
TumblingTumbleWeeds · 07/09/2019 03:42

My first boyfriend (age 16) lived 20 miles from me and so we took turns visiting each other every Saturday. One day his dad called my mum and asked if I could stay at their house and to my surprise she said yes. I slept with his two sisters in their room. After that he stayed every other weekend at my house. It was all clean fun.

LoreleiRock · 07/09/2019 03:59

He will still be having sex, regardless of you not approving, or not allowing him to stay safely at his girlfriend’s house. I would rather I knew where my kids were (and he did tell you) rather than be lied to, and you have backed him into a corner now, and it is doubtful he will be so honest in the future. I think you can rescue this though. Have a chat, buy him some condoms and be thankful he is being open.

adaline · 07/09/2019 04:04

If you say no, he'll just lie and tell you he's at a friends house next time anyway - at least, that's what I would have done aged 16 Grin

pinkstripeycat · 07/09/2019 04:18

He’s not even behaving himself so I’d say no

Monty27 · 07/09/2019 04:26

It's a no from me.
And he's not exactly behaving well about it either.
He's still too young and immature probably to know the rules. Despite his success in his exams.
Well done DS but that doesn't buy carte blanch to get to do adult stuff.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 07/09/2019 04:43

Crikey, I’d left home at 16. How things have changed. They are having or going to to have sex either way. Maybe the GF parents have no intention of letting them stay in the same room but would prefer them to be under their roof. Tbh at 16 why does he need parental permission to stay at a friends? He deserves some trust.

SardineJam · 07/09/2019 04:48

I would speak to her parents to get their POV rather than taking DS' word for it

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 07/09/2019 04:52

I think it's a little harsh OP.

They're legal age. Hes just had a seriously stressful year that is now ieve and hes beginning to relax before the rest of his adult life begins.

You say hes acting like he can do whatever he likes... but he had the decency to ask if he could stay.

I remember at that age being told no after asking politely and it really does make you feel rubbish when you put the effort in to ask for something and not just demand it, to be shit back with a definite no and no debate.

As long as he is safe (safe sex and not on the streets doing drugs kind of safe) with a roof over his head, then what's the reasoning behind not wanting him to stay at DGF's?

Monty27 · 07/09/2019 04:54

16 year old ppl have a lot of responsibility as it is, they're still in school trying to build a future including a family.
It's all different than the romance of the war years.
No disrespect to anyone but it's tough enough for them as it is without the added complications of STDs or parenthood.
I'm prepared to don a hard hat. Confused

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 07/09/2019 05:28

I had my own home at 16, and moved to another country.

He’s 16, you need to stop babying him.

sashh · 07/09/2019 06:21

Surely this is an ideal opportunity to say, "when your behaviour improves you can stay over".

I had strict parents, it just meant I did thinks in the day and not in the best of places. Often things that were considered normal by other kids and parents. So I'd say I was going to a friend's house, but actually I was meeting her and we were then going to someone else's house to watch a film. I wouldn't have been allowed to watch a film and hang out because boys.

It made me feel like they didn't think I could make a decision and that they thought I would jump into bed with any male within 50 ft.

BillywilliamV · 07/09/2019 06:41

Wish my 16yo DD would stay over at her bf’s house, then I wouldn’t have a 22 mile round trip to pick her up twice a week!
Given that this is a complete red herring when it comes to whether they are having sex or not, I think OP is just making life difficult for herself!

Maneandfeathers · 07/09/2019 06:52

I had left home at 16.
He’s not a baby surely he can decide for himself.

Of course in your house that’s a different matter if you choose to allow it or not.

LagunaBubbles · 07/09/2019 06:57

16 is legal age to have sex. Staying over doesn't even mean he will anyway plus you can have sex without staying over to. I think if you stick to a hard no then he will just learn to do things without telling you. So I think you will be creating more problems for yourself. In Scotland you can marry at 16 without your parents permission to.

NotMyRealName123 · 07/09/2019 07:09

Is your refusal based around him having sex or is it about his behaviour?

Two very different things. If it's about sex - 100% you are being unreasonable. His body, his choice. Not your place.

Behaviour - less unreasonable, but if he's 'grounded' or its a consequence of his attitude it needs to be made clear and a discussion had about expectations and consequence

Twooter · 07/09/2019 08:00

You can know that they’re having sex on the quiet, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to condone it. I wouldn’t want my daughter staying over at that age.
Anyway, isn’t half the excitement of teenage sex being the fear of getting caught?

happinessischocolate · 07/09/2019 08:15

Would you have said no if he'd asked if he could stay at his mates house?

It's legal to have sex at 16, and stopping him from staying over won't stop him from having sex.

I find that when you start treating your older dc as adults including allowing them to have their gf or bf stay, they start acting like adults.

WatcherintheRye · 07/09/2019 08:46

I'm assuming he's now in 6th form or other post-GCSE education along with almost, or already 17 yr olds? My ds is very young in the year and there's often a tension between my perception of him and the fact that some of his friends are practically a year older and doing things as a matter of course which I haven't really come to terms with yet!

I think you do have to take into account his academic year as well as his chronological age, and realise that what you are unhappy about will be normal for many of his peers.

SerenDippitty · 07/09/2019 08:55

There is always a possibility that she will get pregnant and that he’ll become a father. If he’s too young to be taking on that responsibility he’s too young to be having sex.

Pardonwhat · 07/09/2019 08:57

I don’t think at 16 it’s any of your business anymore what he does with his penis. He could move out and you’d have no say.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 07/09/2019 08:58

It's a tough one but I would cautiously say YABU. He's starting 6th form I assume? He's a young adult now and you have to start giving him a bit more freedom. As much as you may hate to think about it, as a PP said, it's better they are safe in the gf's house rather than in a field or a park somewhere. If they are having sex or are about to start, they will do it regardless of whether you let him stay over or not.

Time to have a chat about contraception and make sure he has condoms available. It may be awkward but it's better than pretending it's not happening and at least then he knows he can come to you.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 07/09/2019 09:07

Another one to say it’s really not your choice. He’s 16. They can legally have sex. I was having sex in cars with my very lovely first BF and lying about staying at his. Would you rather he did this?

It’s his body and their choice. Safe sex talks obligatory. Love the banana idea - yes you can go but a) let’s talk contraception and b) here’s how you put a condom on properly. I agree that in his mind it makes you open to anything if you can show him that.

lilypips · 07/09/2019 09:08

You can know that they’re having sex on the quiet, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you want to condone it.

Sex 'on the quiet' 'condone' it? No wonder so many people have hang ups about sex!

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 07/09/2019 09:33

I had a boyfriend at 16 who I'd been seeing for a year at the point of our GCSEs. We were allowed to stay round each other's houses from the point we left school, but our families knew each other, we'd been together a while and we'd both been sat down and given the safe sex talk.

If the relationship is only a few weeks old, I'd be holding off overnight stays for a couple of months.

RhiWrites · 07/09/2019 09:48

Stopping him staying over at his girlfriend’s house doesn’t stop them having sex. That just means the sex they have is less likely to be enjoyable or safe or romantic.

Sixteen is old enough. Are you trying to punish him for being “stroppy”?