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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS16 staying at girlfriends

104 replies

Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:06

DS16 started dating a girl a few weeks ago. He seems really into her & she regulary comes over to hangout. DS has been a stroppy teenager ever since his GCSEs (he did very well). He seems to be challenging everything we say to him - acting like he’s got the grades now - so he should be able to do whatever he likes. This evening he sent a WhatsApp on our family chat (me, him & my DH) asking if he could stay at his girlfriends. I said - no way - and DH just went nuts - saying I was being petty and that I’m deliberately doing this to annoy him. AIBU - not allowing him to stay the night? By all accounts her parents are “chill” and he thinks we are being weird about something that is normal ??

OP posts:
SallyWD · 07/09/2019 14:30

He's old enough to get married, join the army, leave home. I think he's old enough to stay at his girlfriends. His behaviour at home is a completely different matter.

cornish009 · 07/09/2019 14:34

I don't really see the problem. I stayed at my then boyfriends when I was 16 as he stayed at mine. We were sensible and took responsibility for the trust that was placed in us. We have remained together and now been married over 35 years.

I allowed my daughter the same freedom at 16 too. She stayed with her boyfriend, and he stayed at ours. She is also now married to the him, with one child and one on the way - both have secure jobs and live in their own property. They too were sensible.

So I do not really see this as an issue. 16 is now a young adult and no laws are being broken.

lilypips · 07/09/2019 14:43

I don’t really like the idea of my 17 year old ds having sex.

Why not?

Ellisandra · 07/09/2019 14:46

At the end of my GCSEs, I got a flat with my boyfriend 🤷‍♀️

Literally, the day after my exams I moved 150 miles away, got a part time job and paid my half of the rent whilst doing my A levels.
He’s not a fully independent adult, but he’s not a little kid either.

  • have the contraception, respect and consent conversation
  • set your expectations for good manners - e.g. if he stays over you need to know so that he doesn’t just not come home, maybe you’ll have a rule that he lets you know before x time so you’re not wasting dinner prep on him

Leave him to it.

Ellisandra · 07/09/2019 14:48

Oh and... in some ways, 16yo sex is the best you’ll ever have! So many hormones, so many new things... I’ve got my worries about my 11yo reaching that age / stage - contraception, expectations, emotional heartbreak... but the fact that she’ll have sex? Quite an exciting rite of passage!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/09/2019 14:55

@lilypips I don’t know.. because he’s my son I guess? In the same way I don’t like the thought of my parents having sex? And because I regret the way I lost my virginity, and some of the sex I had for the wrong reasons / felt pressured into having, and I’d rather he didn’t have those regrets.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2019 15:15

Is his GF Indian? I doubt it. That wouldn't go down well, unless they're very different to most Indian parents I know.

White British and some European/Americans are generally more easy going about this kind of thing, but he knows the rules/culture in your house.

happinessischocolate · 08/09/2019 01:49

I don’t know.. because he’s my son I guess? In the same way I don’t like the thought of my parents having sex

Everybody has sex, whether it's your son, your parents, your boss or the person serving you at the supermarket, and it's none of your business so the "thought" of it shouldn't even be in your thoughts.....as long as your dc understands contraception, respect and consent the rest is none of your business

Sayhellotothethings · 08/09/2019 05:07

Offering an opinion from the other side of things here, regarding sex.

I slept with my boyfriend at 16 after being together for 4 months. We are still together 10 years on.

My parents were very prude-ish and we had a doors open policy at my house. The thing is, you can't stop a teenager. They will just find somewhere else to go, like we did. Either his house or the public loos (yep!) that were infrequently used. Not the nicest thing but teenagers will do as they please.

I never had a contraception talk with my parents but tried to start one at 17. Told them I was going to the doctors to get the pill, would DM like to come as well so she knew what they were giving me. They went nuts, DF tried to 'forbid' it, I explained I didn't need parental consent and it was up to them if they wanted to shut down my willingness to talk to them about things. DM ended up coming with me.
We used condoms for about 6 months after that still and one day DM found a wrapper (not the condom) in my bin - she was emptying it for me. She was shouting at me saying she never wanted to find anything disgusting like that again.

I love my DPs dearly, but I have never understood why they would rather ignore the idea of their DD having sex, than know she was doing it safely. I have my own DD and when the time is right, I will be talking to her about safe sex, STIs, contraception, and saying no if she doesn't want to do something. I always want her to know that I am here to listen.

Now that I'm a lot older obviously my DPs aren't of that mindset - I have a child so it's undeniable!

CTRL · 08/09/2019 05:28

I would say no

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

Teddybear45 · 08/09/2019 05:38

I’m Indian too and in my experience Indian boys tend to be raised to be really inconsiderate of family / family rules, so his ignoring your rules when it suits him isn’t a surprise. Is he dating an Indian girl? If not then my worry would be, with his emotional immaturity, that he’s only with her for the ‘shock factor’ to you or for the sex. Suggest you reach out to her parents and talk to them directly about your concerns

Shadow1234 · 08/09/2019 06:02

The point is, a lot of people are saying no, (they would not let their child stay over), but would those same people be ok with their child visiting their boyfriend/girlfriend at home during the daytime? The answer is probably 'more than likely'. Well, presuming the parents are at work during the day, the 16 year olds are then free to do exactly the same as they would if they stayed over during the night. Hence, I don't really see a difference.

lilypips · 08/09/2019 07:51

I don’t know.. because he’s my son I guess? In the same way I don’t like the thought of my parents having sex

So no real logical reason you don't like the idea of your 17 yo having sex then?

berlinbabylon · 08/09/2019 07:54

OP on MN people think that if both partiees are consenting and 16+ it's fine.

My view is that just because something is legal, doesn't make it desirable.

And you don't have to make it easy for your kids to have sex. It DOES make a difference if you make it awkward. I was at uni before I had the opportunity.

lilypips · 08/09/2019 07:56

@berlinbabylon

You were controlled. Massively.

berlinbabylon · 08/09/2019 07:56

Well, presuming the parents are at work during the day, the 16 year olds are then free to do exactly the same as they would if they stayed over during the night. Hence, I don't really see a difference

I have thought about this. But I work from home, so ds wouldn't be able to get round it that way either. Admittedly if he had a gf whose parents both worked, it would be difficult to stop.

Original poster
Morag72 · 08/09/2019 11:38

Thanks for all your responses. Had a difficult day yesterday with DS16 throwing an almighty tantrum saying I was the worst mother in the world and he didn’t want to be part of the family anymore and that he’s not going to look after me in old age. We were supposed to go for a family dinner and he refused to join. I let him vent. My two younger DS were very upset. He ended up calming down and did join us for a dinner which fortunately didn’t go too badly.
I’ve read through all your posts and think the reason I’ve been uncomfortable is due to his behaviour recently. I think him being constantly on his phone - lack of sleep are contributing. I think I stood back in other ways and didn’t establish boundaries. He has a huge amount of freedom - just went to Reading festival with his friends for example. On the GF situation - I’m going to stick to my guns. Even if sex us legal at that age - it doesn’t sit comfortably with my values and I am hoping that putting in place clear boundaries but giving him more freedom in other areas (later curfew for example) will help. Wish me luck !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Morag72 · 08/09/2019 11:40

By the way he told me he isn’t having sex yet and I tend to believe him.

OP posts:
Rezie · 08/09/2019 12:17

This is something that differ so much between families. In my family growing up there was no sleepovers with bf/gf when we were teenagers. But my bff' s mum was totally cool with it and semi actively encouraged it. Few of my friend thought my parents were unreaosbaky strict. I was totally cool with it. We did have sex but sleepovers were not something we did. If I have kids, I would probably implement the same rule.

lilypips · 08/09/2019 13:30

Had a difficult day yesterday with DS16 throwing an almighty tantrum saying I was the worst mother in the world and he didn’t want to be part of the family anymore

This is not ok, at all. But, I think this below goes a bit of a way to showing why he is acting out.

Even if sex us legal at that age - it doesn’t sit comfortably with my values and I am hoping that putting in place clear boundaries but giving him more freedom in other areas (later curfew for example) will help.

The problem with this is that your values are not his values.

I think a big chat is needed in terms of him being disrespectful, but you setting boundaries regarding his sex life? Not ok. You get to decide how he lives respectfully as a member of the household, but if he want to stay at someone's house, at 16; you can't really stop him.

Fiercebadiggi · 08/09/2019 13:36

If my son wanted a sleep over in a house where I knew there were no parents, for example, at 16 I would feel I could say no. He is hardly a self sufficient adult if he is living at home, getting everything paid for and probably every meal cooked etc. I am amazed that so many parents of girls want to have the latest bloke sleeping over with her, giving her no space from the relationship and potentially no space to hide if the relationship is abusive, as many teenage relationships are. Sex doesn't have to lead to sleep overs, they are playing house in someone else's house.

lilypips · 08/09/2019 16:02

If my son wanted a sleep over in a house where I knew there were no parents, for example, at 16 I would feel I could say no. He is hardly a self sufficient adult if he is living at home, getting everything paid for and probably every meal cooked etc.

My DC weren't self sufficient at 16 either. They were able to spend a night without me though, be it in their own home or someone else's

Fiercebadiggi · 08/09/2019 16:11

My son would be capable of that too! I mean there are certain places I wouldn't want him staying - someone's party central house would be one, or the one known for drugs - he could go against this if he wanted to but I would have the responsibility to advise him against it.

Bouledeneige · 08/09/2019 20:31

Well I don't see how we can boundary sex behaviour in 16 year olds. They are old enough to decide that themselves. They will do it if they want to but he will never tell you about it. They will find their chances when parents are not around.

I'm also interested that you have a curfew. I've never had one for my DC. They've never been crazy bad about coming home - and have never been late on school nights without me needing to set rules.

But then my son has slept over at a female friends house with a big group of friends when her parents were away - I don't recall anyone not being allowed to.

I kind of think the more rules you have the more conflict and likelihood they will be broken. Are these the really important things to regulate?

Ohflippineck · 08/09/2019 20:33

Not sure, but perhaps posting “no way” on what’s app wasn’t the most discreet way of saying it?