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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS16 staying at girlfriends

104 replies

Morag72 · 06/09/2019 23:06

DS16 started dating a girl a few weeks ago. He seems really into her & she regulary comes over to hangout. DS has been a stroppy teenager ever since his GCSEs (he did very well). He seems to be challenging everything we say to him - acting like he’s got the grades now - so he should be able to do whatever he likes. This evening he sent a WhatsApp on our family chat (me, him & my DH) asking if he could stay at his girlfriends. I said - no way - and DH just went nuts - saying I was being petty and that I’m deliberately doing this to annoy him. AIBU - not allowing him to stay the night? By all accounts her parents are “chill” and he thinks we are being weird about something that is normal ??

OP posts:
Horatioroses · 07/09/2019 09:53

He should approach you in person for a proper talk about this. You should know more about the family and double check the whole safe sex stuff. A few weeks into a relationship would be a no from me. Too much pressure to get serious too fast.

Canttasteanything · 07/09/2019 09:53

Hes 16, hes left school and now he needs to be treated as a young adult. I'm really shocked by the amount of babying that goes on on mumsnet Shock

Horatioroses · 07/09/2019 09:54

....and although a teenager can leave home at 16, these days I would be expecting my dc to still be living at home in their early 20s, so I would not be happy that all house rules and respect for me had gone out the window possibly 8 years before they finally leave home!

Ohbehave1 · 07/09/2019 11:07

@serendipity. He isn't to young to be having sex. Legally he is more than allowed. Perhaps the OP should discuss responsibility and safe sex rather than trying to ban what she is never going to stop

Ohbehave1 · 07/09/2019 11:10

I cant believe the amount of "while they live under the family roof" comments. Maybe at 16 the rules need to broadly be adhered to with some relaxation. But once they get to 18 they are an adult. Stopping adults from doing what is their business is just overly controlling. Especially in this day and age where younger people will struggle to get on the housing ladder or rent.

lilypips · 07/09/2019 11:58

There is always a possibility that she will get pregnant and that he’ll become a father. If he’s too young to be taking on that responsibility he’s too young to be having sex.

Except for that one small thing, the LAW. The law states is is indeed old enough to be having sex.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 07/09/2019 12:03

It sounds like you’re very naive if you think he’s not going to have sex if you don’t let him stay over. I’d let him, he’s 16 and legally old enough and has probably already done it!

Horatioroses · 07/09/2019 12:08

It is certainly possible for a couple of sixteen year olds to date for a few weeks without having had sex and I think it's a bit off to believe they all shag on the first date.

The law says he is old enough to consent to sex - that's not the same as saying he should be doing it, it will have no negative consequences for him etc. Just that he is old enough to consent.

Horatioroses · 07/09/2019 12:09

Anyway it's not about having sex it's about staying over with the girl in her parents' house after dating for a few weeks. Which pushes things to a more serious level imo.

ilovemytumbledryer · 07/09/2019 12:14

Can’t believe the amount of people saying no. He’s 16 fgs. People baby their children far too much on here.

ElfridaEtAl · 07/09/2019 12:19

@SerenDippitty

There is always a possibility that she will get pregnant and that he’ll become a father. If he’s too young to be taking on that responsibility he’s too young to be having sex.

If that was the case then a lot of people wouldn't start having sex until their late 20s/30s Hmm
There is such a thing as contraception.

VioletCharlotte · 07/09/2019 12:20

If you stop him from staying at his gfs they'll still find places to have sex! I've always encouraged both my DS to be open with me, I'd rather know they're staying the night with a gf than putting themselves at a risk hanging around outside and having sex in woods and parks. At 16 he's legally old enough, whether you think he's too young or not is pretty irrelevant. What's important is that he understands about consent, respect and contraception. Work on building a relationship with him so you can have these sorts of conversations with him.

lilypips · 07/09/2019 12:21

The law says he is old enough to consent to sex - that's not the same as saying he should be doing it,

Of course this is true of most things. The big problem is that it's not for parents to control if and when consenting teenagers have sex. Unless of course there are red flags/abuse etc.

ChangeItChild · 07/09/2019 12:24

He is 16. As long as he is sensible about birth control, and clear on consent and respecting your partner, then I don't see a problem.

(Personally I think 3 weeks is a little soon, but that's his decision to make and cannot be influenced by his parents).

I'd be happy he's committing to a girl he really likes, rather than shagging strangers at festivals (like so many that age are)

malificent7 · 07/09/2019 12:49

16 is legal....yabvu.

MonChatEstMagnifique · 07/09/2019 13:02

At 16, having done his GCSEs I think you should let him stay at his girlfriends house.

However, I'd let him know that if he wants to be treated like an adult, he doesn't get to act like a stroppy teen.

Aprillygirl · 07/09/2019 13:05

If your DS and his GF want to have sex they are going to do it whether you allow him to stay over or not. If the girl is over the age of consent, I would make sure he has some condoms, stipulating that there is absolutely no rush to use them as it is very early days and let him go. At least you will know where he is and that he's safe.Respect the fact that he's growing up instead of turning everything into a power struggle and he will probably respect you a lot more in return.

terriblemum1 · 07/09/2019 13:06

I have a 16 year old dd shes had a few bf's stayed over at a boys house together for 50 months they did not have sex.
I told her I was not going to tell her not to it was their decision but to use protection if they did. She said neither of them where ready for that just liked to cuddle up watch a movie.
She is now with a new bf and I told her the same when shes ready I'm there to help not judge.
Its better to help guide them than say no and they lie to you.
The more I talk about it with mine to make it special and with someone you love the more they will want to wait.

ooooohbetty · 07/09/2019 13:38

But once they get to 18 they are an adult. Stopping adults from doing what is their business is just overly controlling

They are adults but I controlled what happened in my house. Did what they liked when they went off to Uni and both bought their own homes shortly afterwards.

Bouledeneige · 07/09/2019 13:53

I let my DS sleep with his girlfriend at our house from when he was 16. A year later they are still together and going out for their anniversary next week. She is a lovely girl with a strong character. I asked him whether her parents are okay with it and he said yes. I also checked they were using contraception. That's it.

It's legal, it's a normal part of a relationship and they will do it anyway whether you want them to or not. I'd rather they did it somewhere safe. Most of my male friends had lost their virginity by 16. I don't have a problem with it. My DD's boyfriend stayed too.

If you say know won't be just lie and say he's staying at friends? Is t it better he's honest?

What is it that concerns you? Is it his age or your own moral/religious beliefs?

HotChocolateLover · 07/09/2019 13:55

Just let him OP. My bf and I were shagging like rabbits when we were 16. Good times 😂

RasberryRoyale · 07/09/2019 14:10

“At sixteen he’s still a child”

What the hell? He can get married, have sex, fight for his country but he’s a child?

Right.

I lived at home until I was in my twenties. When I had my first boyfriend at eighteen my parents wouldn’t allow him over whilst they weren’t in. I hated it. It made me feel like such a child. It also just meant I had sex in places I would rather have not had. It caused me to resent my parents and affected our relationship.

Whilst I think after only a few weeks is a little intense for a sixteen year old, I don’t think you can stop him. Not allowing it may just lead to him hiding it and causing resentment.

UndomesticHousewife · 07/09/2019 14:20

He's actually not acting like he can do what he likes, he asked you if he could stay over. If he did what he liked he would just stay out and appear the next day.

What is it about staying over that you don't like? That he will have sex? Because if he wanted to have sex he doesn't need a bedroom in his girlfriends house with her parents a few feet away to do it in.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/09/2019 14:21

I don’t really like the idea of my 17 year old ds having sex. (I happen to know he hasn’t yet.) But we talk openly about sex, consent, contraception, healthy relationships, etc, etc. And if he text me to politely let me know he was staying at a friend’s / girlfriend’s house, I’d thank him for letting me know. (If he was rude to me that would be a separate issue.) Because I treat him as an adult, free to make his own decisions (even if I don’t agree with them), but expect the same courtesies from him that I would any other adult.
I think the problem comes when we try to treat older teens (16+) as little children, rather than young adults.
Oh, and just because he’s staying over doesn’t mean they’re sharing a room or bed anyway.

UndomesticHousewife · 07/09/2019 14:24

There is always a possibility that she will get pregnant and that he’ll become a father. If he’s too young to be taking on that responsibility he’s too young to be having sex.

Yes this is why you talk to your children about contraception. Or should no one ever have sex until they are 30? Hmm