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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not take the DSC out with again to a meal in the near future?

156 replies

SulaHula · 06/09/2019 21:14

DSC are picky and always have been. We took them to an activity they both wanted to do and stopped at a drive thru diner for food on the way. They are very limited in what they will eat but we went over the menu together and this seemed safe as it was a burger and chips kind of place. DSS ordered a burger, chips and milkshake. DSD ordered a fried chicken sandwich, chips and milkshake. They only ate the chips and binned the rest having taken one bite/sip. It's such a HUGE waste of food and money. There are six of us in total and meals out aren't cheap. It kills me to watch yet another meal make its way into the bin. I've told DH I just don't want to take them out again any time soon as I'm just sick of it. He thinks IABU. I've said we should just take pack ups for them when we do days out. AIBU?

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 07/09/2019 09:09

I think the lesson here though is (ESPECIALLY at their age) is if they don't eat what they've been given they don't get other things. So what if they were hungry. They had a chance. That's how they learn to eat it in the first place.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/09/2019 09:52

Yes and what they chose- a previously untested meal so they had no idea if they would like it or not- half of it didn’t taste well for them so they didn’t eat it and ate the half that was fine. If OP wants to be sure they will eat what she buys then she’s needs to buy the food that they have previously eaten without problems.

FWIW there is such a thing as a hypersensitive palate. To many people a burger is a burger no matter where it’s from. To others they can taste every little tiny difference from one burger to the next. Some of those burgers will tase very unpleasant to these people and they can’t know before tasting it whether it will or not.

With respect, even if a hypersensitive palate is the case, what are the chances that they'll both have it? Is it genetic? Is it one of those things like flu or anxiety that some people genuinely suffer from, but multitudes of others jump on the bandwagon and claim to have?

It's common for young children to be ultra fussy and, even with foods they like, only accept X-brand and outright refuse Y & Z-brands "because they taste weird" (i.e. not identical to X-brand.... because they aren't identical). Often, it's a comfort/familiarity/confidence thing as they're still learning their way in the world. It's what brands capitalise on and get you to pay 3 or 4 times the price of pretty identical supermarket-own equivalents, but without a TV-advertised or football-club-sponsoring name on the label.

However, as you get older, you have to learn to accept that, just because something might not be your absolute favourite, doesn't make it totally unacceptable and fit only for rejection.

As teenagers and adults, an 'untested' meal would usually be a completely different foodstuff or cuisine that you've never eaten before - you can't live your life seeing every single individual burger, bowl of tomato soup or dish of pasta as a completely new, untested food.

Yes, anybody can get the odd dodgy/inedible meal about which you complain and/or never go back there - but if it happens 95+% of the time, it's probably you who are the problem and not almost every single eating establishment.

You can't reach adulthood and expect to only ever have the exact same kind of burger/sausage/chips/pie/risotto everywhere you go, unless you restrict yourself to the likes of McDonalds, where you know they'll always be exactly the same and uniformly awful. Anybody can have a few particular foods or dishes that they don't much like or indeed really hate, but when it's only a few foods that you do like - and, even then, they have to have the exact 'right' coating or seasoning for you not to reject them - you're setting yourself up for a lot of trouble. (Some) small children instantly look for reasons not to eat what they're given - it can be a kind of PA tantrum - but it's not the approach you'd ever expect a functional adult to be taking as their standard routine.

Obviously, people with severe allergies do need to ask some of these questions (usually only about one or two particular foodstuffs, though, and not about how thick the sausages will be or how fluffy the pie crust), but that's not what we're talking about here.

Can you imagine entering the adult world of work and only being able to do business or client dinners in McDonalds - or being hosted and feeling the need to ask beforehand what brand of everything will be served?

What happens in other areas when young people enter the world of work and are given an HP computer when they've only ever used Dells before, or are given a Toyota to drive as part of their job when they've only ever driven VWs before and react to a standard Avensis as if it were a combined harvester?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 10:39

It's a burger and chips, how different can it be??

Very, to some people. Like I said- not everyone experiences taste the same way. You mightn’t be aware of this, which is fine, many aren’t, but it’s no reason to force people to eat food they don’t like.

It’s very strange- why are people on MN so controlling about what others eat? We see it all the time on MN. Whether it’s MIL dishing out a single boiled potato to all the women or people sniffing about others choosing to be vegan or whatever. What is this obsession with what other people eat? Is your own food not satisfying enough?

FlyMayBe · 07/09/2019 10:43

No, they’re not being rude. If its a place they’ve never been before, they have no idea if the burger is the same as ones they’ve had elsewhere, this is their evening meal, they’re hungry, they think a burger is a safe bet, they try it, it’s not nice, so they eat their chips. It’s not rude to try something and find you don’t like it. No-one should feel they have to eat anything they don’t like. It’s incredibly bad manners to expect someone to eat something they don’t like just because you’ve provided/ paid for it.

This.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 10:56

I guess I wonder how this will work out for them as adults

I wouldn’t worry. It won’t be your problem. They’ll sort themselves out.

With respect, even if a hypersensitive palate is the case, what are the chances that they'll both have it? Is it genetic?

Not sure, why don’t you look into it? I see no reason why it couldn’t be genetic. Do you?

Is it one of those things like flu or anxiety that some people genuinely suffer from, but multitudes of others jump on the bandwagon and claim to have?

That applies to any condition. Are you dismissive of them all just because some people “jump on the bandwagon”?

However, as you get older, you have to learn to accept that, just because something might not be your absolute favourite, doesn't make it totally unacceptable and fit only for rejection.

No. As you get older you get more and more say over what you eat. As it should be.

you can't live your life seeing every single individual burger, bowl of tomato soup or dish of pasta as a completely new, untested food.

Of course you can. It’s your body. You get total control over what goes into it.

but if it happens 95+% of the time, it's probably you who are the problem and not almost every single eating establishment.

Grin who are you arguing with here? Absolutely no-one has said it was the restaurants fault. I think you’ll find my post referred to hypersensitive palate which indicates the issue is with the person, not the food.

You can't reach adulthood and expect to only ever have the exact same kind of burger/sausage/chips/pie/risotto everywhere you go,

Adults can choose wherever they want to eat. You seem to be struggling with this.

Can you imagine entering the adult world of work and only being able to do business or client dinners in McDonalds

What a small imagination you have. Millions of adults never go near a business dinner. Why would they need to worry about that?

What happens in other areas when young people enter the world of work and are given an HP computer when they've only ever used Dells before, or are given a Toyota to drive as part of their job when they've only ever driven VWs before and react to a standard Avensis as if it were a combined harvester?

😂😂😂

I don’t think a hypersensitive palate extends to cars.

SulaHula · 07/09/2019 11:12

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I don't agree at all that we should simply not try to install basic manners into our kids because they can sort it for themselves when their older. Surely that's the point of parenting. I think it would be ridiculous to miss out on a professional career that requires business meals because you can't manage a slightly different plate of pasta than you're used to.

This issue has already caused problems for DSS. His girlfriend's mother was appalled when he binned his whole dinner that she'd cooked for him. They don't have much money and it was wasteful and rude. The girlfriend broke up with him not long after the food binning incident. Most people do see it as rude to bin a meal you've been provided.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/09/2019 11:16

It’s very strange- why are people on MN so controlling about what others eat? We see it all the time on MN. Whether it’s MIL dishing out a single boiled potato to all the women or people sniffing about others choosing to be vegan or whatever. What is this obsession with what other people eat? Is your own food not satisfying enough?

I completely agree with you about not controlling what other adults eat (unless they're maybe very vulnerable and/or with severe learning difficulties), but with children, it's just part of normal parenting. Our DS would eat nothing but sweets and stay up until very late (all the while screaming in an extremely tired way that he is NOT tired). We don't allow either of these, because he is a child still learning his way in the world and we are adults.

Apart from anything else, other adults with 'unconventional' eating habits will be paying for their own food, so if they stump up £30 for a huge mixed grill and then decide they don't like any of it and send it all back, it's their own money they've wasted. Also, when they're hungry later and wanting to eat something else, that's still their own issue to resolve and not somebody else's.

People will disagree with me, but I can't help thinking that relatively normal fussy eating in young children can end up becoming a severely restricting eating disorder in later years if not addressed when they really are old enough to know better or at least to learn to control and live with any genuine condition that they might have. 9mo babies wear nappies, which is completely normal, whereas 9yo children (with no underlying health issues) do not and use the toilet normally; but they have to be toilet-trained at some stage between those two ages - they don't just magically reach a certain age and suddenly know to transition overnight.

If a 16yo is still regularly turning their nose up and refusing to eat anything but an extremely limited range of foods - and then only one particular brand of those foods - then when are they ever going to start eating normally? And if they ever do, what will be the catalyst? Extreme ridicule and taunting from their peers throughout their twenties? Surely it's better for their (step)parents, who love them, to help them now with this normal part of becoming an adult?

I know it's an extreme case, but there was the report this week about that poor lad who's gone deaf and blind because he will eat nothing but white bread and Pringles and his body has been starved over the years of the nutrition that it needed to keep him healthy. I don't know the full facts and am in no position to suggest whether or not his parents were to blame at all; but, by the sounds of it, if somebody could have intervened whilst he was growing up and found a way to get him to eat a basically nutritious diet, he would now be able to see and hear normally.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 11:19

I don't agree at all that we should simply not try to install basic manners into our kids because they can sort it for themselves when their older.

We disagree on what is bad manners. I don’t think that not eating food you dislike is bad manners. I do think sulking about someone not liking food you bought or cooked is bad manners.

I think it would be ridiculous to miss out on a professional career that requires business meals because you can't manage a slightly different plate of pasta than you're used to.

I don’t think anyone suggested someone with. Hypersensitive palate should avoid a professional career. Did they? Like I said, adults sort themselves out. If they choose a professional career they will work out their own way to navigate businesses dinners. Again, it won’t be your problem, so not something you should seek to be offended by.

1300cakes · 07/09/2019 11:23

As I said above I sympathise, picky eaters can be annoying. I've cooked a family Christmas dinner for a vegetarian who also doesn't eat vegetables so I know all about this.

But it seems like you don't really like the sdc that much, and just get annoyed with them in general. I don't fault you for this as teens can be annoying. But saying you are worried about them being adults and embarrassing themselves on dates or at business dinners is disingenuous.

Maybe they will date fellow fussy eaters and most jobs don't have business dinners. If if it did happen it would hardly be your problem.

ElizaDee · 07/09/2019 11:29

They'd get the there are starving kids out there line from me and no more food. Anything further comes out of their own pocket.

I'd also knock the scraping it straight in to the bin nonsense on the head too. Someone else or the dog could eat it. I'd stop it going in the bin and that's all that would be offered later.

In fact that's what I'd have most issue with. The shear wastefulness, disrespect and entitlement of it. I bet they don't do that at their mothers.

SulaHula · 07/09/2019 11:32

@1300cakes How exactly can you tell I don't like my DSC? Because I have one issue that I'm trying to work out that he's does frustrate me? If I'd posted this for DD and DS you would never make such a claim.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 11:36

but with children, it's just part of normal parenting

At 13 and 16 they’re really in charge of what they eat. They aren’t toddlers.

People will disagree with me, but I can't help thinking that relatively normal fussy eating in young children can end up becoming a severely restricting eating disorder in later years if not addressed when they really are old enough to know better

I actually do agree with you here. Most childhood fussiness Is a normal developmental stage and will disappear if dealt with properly and early. However far too many parents don’t deal with it properly, they get into a battle of wills because of their need to “win” and be in charge and not let a child “get the better of them” and the child sticks their heels in further and pushes back and it before you know it they haven’t had a dinner without tears in 17 months. Totally the wrong way to go about it. The first thing that needs to happen is the parent needs to accept it isn’t personal, the child isn’t criticising the food they spent two hours cooking, they aren’t doing it so they can make a fool out of you. They are doing it because it’s a perfectly normal stage of development in small children where they realise they have control over certain things. You continue cooking dinners as normal for the whole family with at least one thing on the plate that the child will eat then you sit down and eat, chat, ignore any pulled faces, whining, pretend gagging, you tell them that if they don’t want to eat, that’s fine, but they must sit nicely until dinner is finished. Then you carry on ignoring any reaction. You finish your meal, everyone scrapes their plates. No comment is made about what was or wasn’t eaten. Basically you give zero attention for food refusal. You repeat at every single meal. If it’s a genuine aversion to certain foods it will become apparent after a while. Just like somebody adults don’t like certain food so but have a perfectly normal appetite otherwise.

then when are they ever going to start eating normally?

When they decide to. Not when someone else decides they should.

And if they ever do, what will be the catalyst? Extreme ridicule and taunting from their peers throughout their twenties?

Different catalysts. Some will be bullied, yes, others will just decide to try something one day and enjoy it so will feel confident trying other new things, others will never eat “normally”. Again, that’s their business. I can assure you that a parent or step parent sulking at every meal will not help them enjoy food they don’t currently enjoy. It’s not help.

but, by the sounds of it, if somebody could have intervened whilst he was growing up and found a way to get him to eat a basically nutritious diet, he would now be able to see and hear normally.

He had lots of intervention.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/09/2019 11:58

I guess I wonder how this will work out for them as adults

I wouldn’t worry. It won’t be your problem. They’ll sort themselves out.

Plenty of parents take this approach with all aspects of parenting. It rarely ends well. It’s the job of parents to help prepare their children as well as they can for adult life, for the adults-to-be themselves and for society in general – not just to sit back, watch and say “Ooh, fancy that!” when they can see very clear warning signs of problems in later life.

With respect, even if a hypersensitive palate is the case, what are the chances that they'll both have it? Is it genetic?

Not sure, why don’t you look into it? I see no reason why it couldn’t be genetic. Do you?

I’m no expert, but I did have a little look online. It also appears to be known as being a ‘supertaster’. According to Wikipedia, FWIW, “It may be a cause of Selective eating” and it goes on to say that “Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), previously known as selective eating disorder (SED), is a type of eating disorder, where certain foods are limited based on appearance, smell, taste, texture, brand, presentation, or a past negative experience with the food, to a point that may damage their health. The person may forget to eat and may only eat when they are starving.” Basically, what many people might describe as 'fussy eating'.

Would you not try to help a child with an eating disorder? Would you agree with a 5-stone adult with anorexia that they are indeed obese and should definitely not eat anything, so as to avoid upsetting them with the reality of their situation?

Is it one of those things like flu or anxiety that some people genuinely suffer from, but multitudes of others jump on the bandwagon and claim to have?

That applies to any condition. Are you dismissive of them all just because some people “jump on the bandwagon”?

Absolutely not. The clue was when I wrote “that some people genuinely suffer from”.

However, as you get older, you have to learn to accept that, just because something might not be your absolute favourite, doesn't make it totally unacceptable and fit only for rejection.

No. As you get older you get more and more say over what you eat. As it should be.

Indeed you do, but one would also hope that you would by then have learned wisdom in your choices. Settling down with a glass of wine a couple of times a week? Drinking a couple of bottles of Vodka on your own every night? Both of those are choices over which an adult has complete say, but only one of them is reasonable and unlikely to leave you with appalling health consequences as a direct result.

you can't live your life seeing every single individual burger, bowl of tomato soup or dish of pasta as a completely new, untested food.

Of course you can. It’s your body. You get total control over what goes into it.

OK, maybe my use of the word ‘can’t’ was mistaken. Of course it’s possible and nobody is stopping you, but it will severely restrict your enjoyment of many aspects of your life, not least your social life as friends stop inviting you out to meals because they just see you as much too hard work, complaining every time when everybody else is enjoying or at least making the best of a new dining experience.

but if it happens 95+% of the time, it's probably you who are the problem and not almost every single eating establishment.

who are you arguing with here? Absolutely no-one has said it was the restaurants fault. I think you’ll find my post referred to hypersensitive palate which indicates the issue is with the person, not the food.

Fair enough, I might have been thinking at cross purposes there and added that comment unnecessarily.

You can't reach adulthood and expect to only ever have the exact same kind of burger/sausage/chips/pie/risotto everywhere you go,

Adults can choose wherever they want to eat. You seem to be struggling with this.

Again, my use of the word ‘can’t’ was maybe misleading. Of course you can. I should have added “and expect to enjoy what most adults would see as a standard social life”. You’ll just get used to friends all going out to exciting new restaurants together whilst you go on your own to McDonalds every single time. Dating will be extremely difficult, unless you actively try to find somebody as self-restricted as you.

Can you imagine entering the adult world of work and only being able to do business or client dinners in McDonalds

What a small imagination you have. Millions of adults never go near a business dinner. Why would they need to worry about that?

By business dinner, I don’t just mean hobnobbing with other CEOs after the golf course. Again, I probably shouldn’t have used that as a catch-all term, but any socialising with colleagues (or friends for that matter), occasional joint Friday lunches at the pub, staff Christmas meals etc.

What happens in other areas when young people enter the world of work and are given an HP computer when they've only ever used Dells before, or are given a Toyota to drive as part of their job when they've only ever driven VWs before and react to a standard Avensis as if it were a combined harvester?

I don’t think a hypersensitive palate extends to cars.

Very true, but it’s very common for one form of disorder (if that is what’s causing it) to extend into another, as it’s frequently all about personal control and this tends to spiral and pervade your whole life. If, indeed, it isn’t anything to do with hypersensitive palate and is just a case of very common childhood fussy eating which is ignored by parents as the children grow towards adulthood in the hope that it will just go away – and children are brought up to believe that you should never do anything you don’t want to do or ever try anything remotely unfamiliar to you – then the analogy is very relevant.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/09/2019 12:08

but with children, it's just part of normal parenting

At 13 and 16 they’re really in charge of what they eat. They aren’t toddlers.

Of course they aren't toddlers, but they're still dependent young people who are still greatly reliant on their parents. They're at the stage where they think they know it all but they really don't and they still need parental guidance just as much as when they were toddlers - just of a different kind. There's a reason why 13yos and the vast majority of 16yos still live at home with their parents and haven't yet left to strike out independently on adult life themselves.

but, by the sounds of it, if somebody could have intervened whilst he was growing up and found a way to get him to eat a basically nutritious diet, he would now be able to see and hear normally.

He had lots of intervention.

Fair enough - I know it was a very extreme case, so it sounds like intervention didn't work for him, for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean that it can't for the majority of children/young people.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 07/09/2019 12:17

Children are 16 and 13... The fight comes with DH who doesn't do any of the meal planning and would never make a pack up

Those children can make their own packed lunch.

Alternatively, buy ONE of whatever, they can each take a bite. Whoever likes it, keeps it and the other goes without. If they both like it then buy another. If they both don't like it, you're only throwing away one.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 12:19

Plenty of parents take this approach with all aspects of parenting. It rarely ends well.

It’s not all aspects of parenting though. That would be neglect and would obviously end with a poor outcome. We aren’t talking about leaving these teens to do as they please. They are otherwise well cared for DC, it’s one aspect of their lives, they are offered healthy food to take or decline as they choose. Left to make their own choices in this aspect will take the pressure off them, they’ll relax around meals, they’ll feel more comfortable trying new foods as they grow older when they are sure there is no pressure, no one will sulk with them, no one is watching to see what they do or don’t eat. Honestly- making it an issue drags out the problem -self fulfilling prophesy. Accepting it for what it currently is, and being at peace with it means everyone has a far more pleasant meal time experience. If they want chips on a rare day out then let them. It won’t ruin their lives.

Would you not try to help a child with an eating disorder?

Help? Of course. What Op is doing- vowing never to take them out again and sulking is not help.

Would you agree with a 5-stone adult with anorexia that they are indeed obese and should definitely not eat anything, so as to avoid upsetting them with the reality of their situation?

Is this anything at all like what we are discussing? Confused

Indeed you do, but one would also hope that you would by then have learned wisdom in your choices. Settling down with a glass of wine a couple of times a week? Drinking a couple of bottles of Vodka on your own every night? Both of those are choices over which an adult has complete say, but only one of them is reasonable and unlikely to leave you with appalling health consequences as a direct result.

Again, is This anything at all like what’s we are discussing? They’re teenagers who didn’t like a burger. Not adults downing bottles of vodka daily.

but it will severely restrict your enjoyment of many aspects of your life, not least your social life as friends stop inviting you out to meals because they just see you as much too hard work, complaining every time when everybody else is enjoying or at least making the best of a new dining experience.

Why would not liking some foods make you a rude person who complains when others are eating? Are you saying people with food aversions are all rude people? That’s a personality thing, not a food aversion thing.

Very true, but it’s very common for one form of disorder (if that is what’s causing it) to extend into another, as it’s frequently all about personal control and this tends to spiral and pervade your whole life.

I think it’s very clear you have no experience of someone with a hypersensitive palate or food aversion.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 12:22

They're at the stage where they think they know it all but they really don't

They know what tastes good to them and what doesn’t.

intervention didn't work for him, for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean that it can't for the majority of children/young people.

Again, OP isn’t advocating intervention. She is having an knee jerk, emotional angry reaction and vowing not to take them out again.

averythinline · 07/09/2019 12:47

why cant they make their own pack upfood...certainly Dh should if not or should train them too...16 definetly 13 probably if no SEN.

I wouldnt waste money on eating with them either - or just buy them chips.... (amazing hypersensitive but can handle chips from different places... not brocoli or something healthy! never is...)

I wouldnt let them order food they are not going to eat.... they can try a bit of dh's if they want to try something but I hate food waste....this would have really annoyed me too..

Friends have a v v picky eater and one of the adults will order what he may want/willing to try and then he can try it and if he likes it they will order one for him or give him that one and order something for themselves....

It works as sometimes he will try something slightly different and has learnt to eat a wider range of things (for example will eat Naan bread and pilau rice from an Indian restauarant) and if not no waste...

It has kept them slightly restricted as they have to choose somewhere there is one thing (chips/bread) he can eat .... but one of the parents has very bad childhood memories of the eat it all or nothing mentality and was determined not to force it....

miaCara · 07/09/2019 14:37

No-one else seems to be fazed that their lunch was £25 EACH . And it went in the bin .So they were still relatively hungry at the end.

Throwing perfectly good food into the bin is simply awful. And throwing perfectly good food that someone has cooked for you into the bin is horrendously bad mannered. No wonder the girlfriend chucked him .

If you absolutely had to buy food when youre out I would give them a budget and let them choose and order their own food with the understanding that this is the meal and nothing else will follow until the next meal.
You could do the same within limits for your own dd and ds so they dont feel they are missing out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2019 14:45

No-one else seems to be fazed that their lunch was £25 EACH .

Because the parents chose somewhere stupidly expensive. Don't go to McDs if you don't want but then don't complain about the price of what was thrown away.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/09/2019 16:05

Yeah I don’t really think you can get away with complaining about the money waste if you’re spending £150 for a family lunch on a day out. Money is clearly not an issue.

LellyMcKelly · 07/09/2019 16:12

Tesco meal deal. £3 each.

SulaHula · 07/09/2019 17:02

@MrsTerryPratchett the original lunch was £15 then subsequent cake/drink/crisps was £10.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/09/2019 17:27

Yes well I wouldn't have dreamed of buying them cake, crisps and drinks. Or buying picky people a 15 quid burger.

HappyHammy · 07/09/2019 17:31

DH can give them some money, probably about 5 pounds each and they can choose and pay for their own food when they are out, that will give them some idea of how much food costs and how much they are throwing away, I bet they'd rather just get a bag of chips and keep the rest of the money. They can make their own sandwiches, fruit and drinks before they go.

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