AIBU to be concerned about dd's celebrity crush?

[Albatross454]

Hi everyone. I have one twelve year old ds and a fifteen year old dd.
Recently (around a month ago) Dd has discovered a man on the internet (I wouldn't really call him famous, but there are a lot of 'fans' that are her age. People make instagram accounts dedicated to him!) Called Caleb Finn. From what she's told me he dances around in his room to make 'tik tok' videos for his fans. He isn't really that attractive in my opinion - he looks about fourteen (He's a twenty four year old man who still wears braces and dresses in baby blue hoodies) and she's getting obsessed. She's currently being assessed for high functioning ASD, her brother has it too. From watching videos that she has shown me I don't understand why she likes him so much... He honestly looks so young!!!
Anyway, dd has now sent a letter off to him all the way to Australia for him to read on a video that he will be making soon. She has a 'fan account' of him on instagram and he has liked one of her posts. He is all she wants to talk about now. Sometimes she starts crying because she will 'never find a man who looks like him' though he looks quite average, in my opinion. Most men would look like him if they had the haircut. I feel really sorry for her and I know how it feels to have celebrity crushes at her age. She's been acting really sad recently because of it and I don't know what to do How have you coped with your children's crushes? I'd really appreciate some advice right now! Thank you x

@joyfullittlehippo the problem is is that i'm starting to think it is making her depressed. She literally cries and she always seems sad. I just feel so, so bad for her

This is fairly normal behaviour for a teenage girl. Was Bros for me... I loved them.

This has reminded me of when I was a teen and obsessed with Jarvis Cocker. I had the wall covered in posters of course and three cut out photos of his head sellotaped into the inside of my glasses case. I used to spend hours just gazing at them and it was so wonderful to be able to see him while in lessons etc! I felt I loved him so much it was like a physical ache. The love you feel at that age is all encompassing............

Don't take it on so, she needs you to be the voice of reason. Let her know it's a normal and healthy part of growing up and of the maturation process

My best friend and I had races up her bed to see who was the fastest to kiss the Donny Osmond sticker on her headboard as whoever won would marry him. There were many tears and our mums just laughed at our ridiculousness. That was a healthy response too.

I fantasised for YEARS about a fictional character and I once wished when I blew out my birthday candles that he was real and he would find me.

I’m now very happily married and still have odd crushes- it’s never the likes of Tom Hardy, it’s nerdy non threatening men who are actually objectively less attractive than my husband! I think it is normal!

I’d only be concerned in her terrible taste in men. I must have went horribly wrong when younger. How was I supposed to know that girls dig that?

I’m not gay but do think I can recognise a handsome man when I see them. George Michael was a good looking bloke in Wham, the fashion looks dated now but not at the time- he actually helped create the fashion

I don't think it's that unusual for her age. A lot of teens have crushes that seem obsessive. I would just keep an eye on it in case it is making her sad, but it doesn't seem like too much to worry about yet.

@caucho What? I think it's a bit too far to say that my daughter has terrible taste in men...

Honestly, calm down! If your DD is on the spectrum then she's going to be a little more intense about this sort of thing, but it's perfectly normal and perfectly safe. I'm in my 50s and I remember my generation's parents being appalled at the girls who shrieked and wept over the likes of David Cassidy and the Bay City Rollers because the pop stars all looked like girls. And Take That, in their heyday, were all big eyes, tight pants and hairless chests, as were Boyzone and Westlife - those of us who were a bit too old to be fans of the boybands were slightly when one of them came out as gay, because we tended to think they were all gay . (That is not meant to imply there is anything wrong with being gay, of course, but Take That, definitely, got their first breaks on the gay scene and the whole wide-eyed cutie-pie thing is very safe for young girls to crush on, whereas a big hairy Manly Man is scary..)

Bless you @Albatross454 . You sound like a really lovely mum.

So with my work hat on ... If she seems like it is affecting her mood , focus less on the "obsession" and more on helping her to regulate her emotions as it is likely these intense feelings are scary for her .

So for example looking at how she can self soothe ... ie sensory things . You could help her to make a box of things that help her to feel less distressed. Ie any oils , images ( not him !) , sounds, tastes , textures.

Also things that help to distract her , tangles ( fidget toys ), music ...

When it seems she is spending too much time in her head encourage to be more in her body ... i kid you not even getting a person to move from one room to another helps the brain to kick start soothing systems.

Google balloon breathing and maybe practice that together... it activates the body's soothing system . This is going to be about helping her learn skills to manage her emotions.

Keep talking... sounds like you have a really secure attachment with her which helps enormously.

Sorry for the waffle.

As a previous poster

Totally normal to me!

I crushed on George Michael and Tom cruise and John cusack - hell who am I kidding! I still adore Tom and John in my way (yes I know Tom is bonkers)

I'm 47 and George's death utterly floored me! Broke my heart that Christmas.

I was absolutely enthralled right from his first appearance on top of the pops in wham! Days.

My bedroom as a teen was COVERED in posters, album covers, lyric sheets...

I bought everything George ever released/wrote, every interview he gave, every magazine article and press clipping...

When I married in my 20's my ex THOUGHT he was a major fanboy of his favourite band but he "only" had their albums and concert tickets from when he'd seen them live - which he'd only done a couple times.

When we moved in ex realised just how much I had. I remember him asking "just what is this?!" And I quite matter of factly says "oh that's the interview he did with X magazine in y year, they gave a free audio copy away" after barely a glance in exs direction to see what he was holding and he was like "most people don't keep that stuff let alone actually listen to it - how many times have you listened to it?" "Erm not sure...maybe like once a month?" Ex - 😱😱😱

And my friends and family are the same, mum is Beatles/Paul McCartney daft and always has been. Others have travelled to American and Australia to see their crushes in concert, one is daft about a guy that's in musicals and spends a fortune seeing him perform.

Its largely harmless and for a teen absolutely normal imo.

Dds (18) had her moments too, bloody zac efron to start with and then when she was about 13 an actor who was MUCH older than even her dad!! She's now over those crushes but is currently on some Instagram person (I can't even remember his name!) meh. It's normal.

She's also in her first serious relationship, he's off doing police training right now and she's breaking her heart missing him and worried about him doing the job - not helped by having an uncle in the job who's had some difficult incidents to deal with so she is all too aware.

God it's easier when they're toddlers! Scraped knees are so much quicker to fix!

I wore black for at least a month when Kurt Cobain died, I was absolutely devastated and about 14 years old, if I'm totally honest at 41 a part of me still believes Eddie Vedder will someday realise we were meant for each other ☺️

I was going to marry Jason Donavon when I was a kid. This was in the 80s so he was probably 20 and I was 7. It's normal and harmless.

Dave Clark (Dave Clark 5) and George Best posters covered my bedroom walls < old gimmer >
DH was a mix of both though he couldn't sing and didn't play football.
I can still sometimes see the resemblance 50 years later.
She'll be fine.That Finn bloke is a bit odd but seems rather harmless (hopefully)

I just had a look on YouTube as I had no idea who he is and he seems ok. Apparently he used to be a primary school teacher (!) according to his ask me anything video. I don't think he's weird or sinister. I don't understand the obsession with being popular on social media and have no clue what Tik Tok is but I'm 42 so 🤷‍♀️

I think all kids go through this. I certainly did. From new kids on the block, to nirvana, to Metallica, to REM, etc etc.

I think the reason that teenaged crushes seem so odd to us now is that the objects of the crush are not in our sphere of existence.
Back when I was a kid most crushes were pop or film stars. Everyone knew who A-Ha, Bros or Take That were, they were everywhere but these YouTube kids aren’t in our living rooms everyday.

Teenage girl has ridiculous verging-on-unhealthy crush on celebrity. Is there anything more normal than this? I, on many occasions, sobbed because I thought I’d never meet Gareth Gates. Tears weren’t in vain because I never did! It was before the days of instagram etc or id have definitely had a cheesey fan page too. My entire room was my equivalent of a fan page - coated in posters and pictures. Doesn’t everyone have one of these ridiculous phases?

Ughhhhh I just Googled Caleb Finn and he’s extraordinarily cringe! He looks like one of those MySpace celebs from 2005

(I understand why the obsession seems surprising to you now!! But I’m sure my parents thought the same about Gareth Gates!)

It's completely normal and looking back I was just as bad.
I had a crush on James from Busted (I don't anymore).
I bought every magazine and I had a massive scrap book with all his pictures, his interests, favourite foods, colours, height, favourite film.
I found out his girlfriend was Kara Tointon who was in eastenders at the time and I hated her
I laugh about it now, I would definitely would describe myself as being obsessed!

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6 and have 2 little boys.
We turned out normal.
We actually discussed this the other day as a busted song came on the radio, I asked him which his teen celebrity crushes were, turns out Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh.
I googled them, turns out its 2 very busty ladies, one blonde, one brunette who did lingerie/nude modeling together for Zoo and Nuts magazine 😲

I still occasionally find myself feeling sad that I didn’t marry Keanu. As a kid I had a poster of him on my wall and I was so in love with him, I remember crying because I couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone as much as I loved him, and thinking the world were so cruel for making my ONE TRUE SOUL MATE someone I would never find.
I still feel a bit funny when I see pictures of him and although DH is nice n all I still believe Keanu is my Actual Soul Mate...

I find it a little disturbing when grown men act and dress like teenagers in order to appeal to a pre-teen fan base. It’s creepy.

Also, his “aesthetic” resembles the Scenekid/emo look that was popular a few years ago when I was a young teen. What makes my stomach turn even more is that the ‘community’ mostly comprised of middle class 13 year olds who thought they had hard lives and their 17-20 year old ‘alternative’ boyfriends. My friend was going out with a boy like this when she was 14 and he was 17. She dumped him because he’d been cheating on her and messaging girls aged 12. This is something that I saw frequently and didn’t bat an eyelid until I got to 18 and realised how young we were.

What I’m saying is that these sorts of Intstafamous/YouTube famous men make relationships between young teens and late teens/early 20s seem acceptable or plausible. They market themselves in such a way as to look very young and relatable, mostly because young teens are more likely to purchase their merchandise. They take advantage in my eyes.