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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

406 replies

MustardScreams · 05/09/2019 14:27

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 06/09/2019 16:02

I’m a childminder and often read posts on here about childminders who gather in soft playrooms and ignore the kids in their care. I find because people know I’m a childminder they’re happy for their kids to hang around my table.

I usually don’t mind too much but some days when it gets really busy and I’m constantly doing a headcount for the four kids I look after it gets annoying. Especially when the kids who are not with me get hurt and run to me to get me to help!

Anyone taking children out should look after them - not let them annoy other people. I get paid to take mine out - why would I want to look after others for nothing?

Jubba · 06/09/2019 16:05

@DecomposingComposers

Yup. Kids will take usually take the hint.

I don’t see why you can’t just be honest and explain it all.

Jubba · 06/09/2019 16:08

@DecomposingComposers

You’re not even the op. My reply wasn’t directed at you. It was directed at the op. I hadn’t even bothered to read your post....sorry.

tillytrotter1 · 06/09/2019 16:11

I would have left, it's up to the parent to take care of her.

origamiunicorn · 06/09/2019 16:20

Did the stranger ask for free childcare? No! So you would be a bit of a dick to assume that was what they expected. HTH

Of course the stranger didn't ask for free childcare, what they did was just leave them alone enough and assume someone else is keeping an eye on them. Which is CF-ery at its best.

Eeyoreshouse · 06/09/2019 16:20

Eeyoreshouse I very strongly disagree that you should teach / model to your child that they should be kind at the expense of feeling uncomfortable or significantly disadvantaged. They should be polite, and kind only when they can afford to be. Being kind at all costs paves the road to date rape and all kinds of other exploitation

Crikey ! Bit of a leap there from playing in a child's play area with someone you don't particularly want to play with, to rape and exploitation! I think we can approach this with a little more balance surely? Personally I teach my DC to put themselves out for others, yes sometimes at cost to themselves- it doesn't mean my DC don't have healthy boundaries in other situations -it is possible for dc to grow up with discernment and apply it to different situations!

but I would never say "we want to play on our own" be wise it's mean!

It isn't mean. You're projecting your own adult social norms on to a child. Young children have not learned the sort of nuanced communications that you have as an adult. Generally this skill develops as children enter the teenage years. "We want to play on our own" is perfectly acceptable and unoffensive to a 4 year old.

Trust me, a four year old can sense when it is not wanted and can feel hurt by that!

namechangetheworld · 06/09/2019 16:31

"We want to play on our own."

This thread has made me really sad. My 4 year old (who often approaches other families - under my VERY watchful eye - when we're in play areas trying to "make friends") would be absolutely gutted if anybody said this to her, adult or child. Leave the childrens play area if you don't want children interacting with you.

Happygilmorelove · 06/09/2019 16:56

Agree with last post, just because you and your child are stand offish and unsociable op, it doesn't mean everyone is.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 06/09/2019 17:10

@Happygilmorelove ffs read the thread. I’m not stand-offish or unsociable, I’d just had a pretty big surgery and hadn’t seen my daughter for a week. I wanted to spend time with her, and not have someone else’s child climbing onto me (ouch!) and ignoring me when I asked her to go back to her parents.

OP posts:
DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/09/2019 17:11

Trust me, a four year old can sense when it is not wanted and can feel hurt by that!
Yes, but you're missing my point. A 4 year old may feel miffed that they aren't wanted but they aren't going to analyse the sentence for how judiciously it was worded. Anyway, the whole point of using that sentence, or indeed the wishy-washy "Time to go back to mummy now", is to indicate to the child that it isn't wanted. People asked how to get rid of a strange child they didn't want to interact with and I explained.

My 4 year old (who often approaches other families - under my VERY watchful eye - when we're in play areas trying to "make friends") would be absolutely gutted if anybody said this to her, adult or child.
With all due respect, it is important for her to learn that other people do not have a duty to play with her if they don't wish to. Gutted or not, her feelings are not the only ones to be considered.

Of course the stranger didn't ask for free childcare, what they did was just leave them alone enough and assume someone else is keeping an eye on them. Which is CF-ery at its best.
We've been through this already if you care to read back.

ConkerGame · 06/09/2019 17:25

OP I think you’re being unfair and a bit mean (although not entirely unreasonable given you are ill and tired).

If you don’t want to interact with other people’s children then don’t hang out in children’s play areas. Nobody there was to know that you’d had an operation or hadn’t seen your DD for a while. For all anyone knew you’d taken her out specifically to get her to socialise with other kids! If you wanted alone time you could have stayed at a table in the cafe part.

I don’t have kids or particularly like them even but when I’m in my local (very small) park chilling/reading I know to expect random kids to come up and talk to me or ask me to play with them and I’m not annoyed about it as I’m in their space. If they get too much then i just tell them I need some quiet time or I leave. Really I’m in a children’s play area so it’s on me as the adult to stay away if I don’t want to interact with them.

InsertFunnyUsername · 06/09/2019 17:26

I understand your frustration OP and the climbing over you is not on, any adult that was watching the child would have intervened. So clearly she was unsupervised longer than what I would leave my DD but she is only 16mo so my opinion might change.

But I am in the camp of in a softplay/playground it's the childrens turf. There will be others. I have had children play with us plenty of times and if I have had enough I normally say "were going to play on our own now" I had one child grab my hand and take me to her parents telling them I'm her new best friend Blush I thought it was sweet and I'm not even a nice person Grin

Original poster
MustardScreams · 06/09/2019 17:28

It wasn’t a softplay. It was a small room off of a cafe where I was sitting on a sofa talking to dd, showing her pictures etc whilst she had a potter about. I think in that situation you can quite easily see it’s not a free for all and just let your kids tag on to another family.

Softplay etc is different. I expect other children to join in, that’s fine. But the parents should have been with their child and interacting with them, not me!

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 06/09/2019 17:29

And I've realised I must be an awful parent because I dont remember ever feeling pissed off another child has invaded our time in a playground Blush I normally think aww cute friends, and let them crack on.

EllenMP · 06/09/2019 17:32

I don't see why parents have to interact with their child every minute. It's great if a child can play by themself or make friends with other children there. If you had backed off a bbit your daughter might have enjoyed playing with the other girl. How is anyone else supposed to know you came to the cafe specifically to play with your own child yourself? That's a nice thing to do, but it's not really standard operating procedure.

MyDcAreMarvel · 06/09/2019 17:43

You may have wanted to spend time with your child alone, but 15 minutes of your child benefiting from having someone to play with is hardly a hardship.

I8toys · 06/09/2019 17:44

I couldn't be cruel to a child whose parent is a bit crap!

CAK111512 · 06/09/2019 17:46

I find this sort of thing awkward too. Other kids have attached on to me and DC and I really don’t like other people’s kids 🤣

DD also used to attach herself to other people at soft play etc. I would encourage her not too. Stranger danger and all that.

monstiebags · 06/09/2019 17:50

I'm with you op - if you were as miserable as some have suggested - you would have told the child to go away - you didn't. Some parents rely on this good will to take the mick.

vanillaicedtea · 06/09/2019 17:57

YANBU. I hate this. When I'm out with my DD I want to spend time with her. No one else. Fair enough if it's with a baby a similar age and they crawl to each other (because it's wanted on both sides and fairly safe because they're the same age, size, strength etc), but I hate when 5 year olds come over to me, especially in the baby area in soft play.

I've just taken to ignoring tbh, sounds harsh but I'm a mother to 1 child, not token children who's parents can't be arsed. I'm not having my baby knocked over for the sake of keeping some strangers kid/parent happy. If it was a cafe, there's not a chance I'd be effectively baby sitting the other child.

nuxe1984 · 06/09/2019 18:01

Sounds like her parent never gives her any attention or plays with her which is why she latched on to you. Quite sad really. Look on it as your act of random kindness.

Loopytiles · 06/09/2019 18:03

This often used to happen to DH at playgrounds and he found it difficult to manage, he and DC2 are very social, but some DC would want picking up to go on equipment etc.

Rarely happened to me as I’ll interact briefly but then extract myself fast!

Some posters haven’t taken into account the context.

If out for a treat and relatively rare weekday time with DC, during those times some of us (adults and DC) don’t want to entertain others’ DCs for more than a minute or two. Our wishes are no less important than the other DCs’.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 06/09/2019 18:05

@EllenMP how is anyone meant to know that I’m out with my daughter to spend time with my daughter?! I think if you can’t work that out you shouldn’t be having children.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/09/2019 18:07

Yabvu. You want alone time with your dd then stay at home dont go somewhere set up for social play. My 2/3 year olds went off on their own at soft pjay it's the whole point of it.

Loopytiles · 06/09/2019 18:09

OP wasn’t at a softplay, she was at a DV friendly cafe.