To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

[MustardScreams]

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

@EdnaAdaSmith thats not what @DecomposingComposers said though.I have no problem kids playing wiht my kids as long as their parents are there Im not out doing stuff with my kids and other kids come along wiht out their parents.Im not responsible for them

I LOATHE this! Not this children but this form of parenting that seems ever so popular right now!
I don't care what age your child is, you supervise them! If they are over talking to a STRANGER, it is your job as a parent to teach them not to speak to strangers. There are far too many dangerous people out there! Not saying you are OP!
The amount of parents that go somewhere such as a café, a soft play etc and just let their kids go off really worries me! I was off on mat leave and took my toddler to soft play a fair amount and it seems that as soon as they are there, the kids are someone else's problem!
Just look after your kids, simple!

I'm more likely to put up with your child, whilst quietly seething inside, than say anything.

If you are with your own child, what do you think that sort of passive behaviour is teaching them? That if someone is doing something you don't want them to, you put up with it and quietly seethe inside. Do you think that's a healthy behaviour to model to a child?

And I don't see it as my job to teach your child about social cues.
Perhaps not, but you ought to give them.

@ Potatoshape I'm not sure if it was intended in this way but I just burst out laughing in my canteen

I think all the people on here,telling @MustardScreams shes over reacting about the child climbing on her lap,must be the same parents that seem to disappear and leave their kids annoying other people.

Other kids are annoying as fuck I dont want to entertain them.Simple.

@ Potatoshape I'm not sure if it was intended in this way but I just burst out laughing in my canteen

Prize goes to Potatoshape for the best post on this thread.

PotatoShape

But why is it right for your child to simply transfer the need for adult interaction onto another parent? Maybe they too are having a tough time and don't want the added burden of your child too.

And @dustarr73 that's exactly it.

I couldn't be horrible to a child and that's what a lot of these parents rely on, most of us being decent people who will not say anything to a child.

Even now that my children are adults I still get random kids accosting me. If we're out having a meal I really don't want some little darling presenting themselves at our table expecting to talk to is while the parents get to enjoy their meal in peace.

DecomposingComposers how small are the children? My dc1 and 2 have always loved playing football but it's a bit shit just playing with your parent unless you're 2 years old! On many a European camping holiday 3/4 of the point of taking a football was to tempt other children to join in for a "proper" game - ideally a good crowd. DS has made many a friend through taking a football to a big patch of grass and kicking it about until someone comes to join in. He's spent one holiday when he was 7 mainly playing football with a mixed group of Italian, German and Welsh kids who didn't know one another before they joined in the impromptu football kick around, and stayed in touch with one of the group for several years! At that sort of age one of us would sometimes kick a ball about with him until other kids came to join in then quietly withdraw to the sidelines, then completely. It's vastly more fun for ten kids to play together than one kid kick a ball back and forth to his parent!

The swimming pool situation I guess you had to be there, but people who live on a complex with a pool may well let their older children who are competent swimmers use it unsupervised in a group - they weren't alone.

Yes, I help other people's kids in emergencies or minor mishaps - we're the closest house to the village playground and I've done minor first aid numerous times - kids ring our bell and I go out, my older DC do too. That's normal community living, it doesn't mean I'm babysitting or doing childcare. I'd help anyone who needed it if I could. I work with people with cognitive disabilities and sometimes they need a bit of help from a stranger or strike up a slightly unexpected conversation when out and most people understand and act like human beings who are part of a society and don't write to complain about the imposition of being engaged in conversation.

I once fell down some concrete steps at a train station for no good reason,also a competent adult, just missed my step for some reason, and twisted my ankle and several people I didn't know helped me up and picked my things up, helped me hobble to a bench to catch my breath and take stock of whether I could manage the rest of my journey and offered further, luckily unnecessary help. That didn't make those people my carers, just decent human beings.

An adult strong swimmer not swimming in a pool unless there's someone else there is really overkill IMO! Do you not walk downstairs or shower if you're home alone incase you slip and knock yourself out? It happens...

If you are with your own child, what do you think that sort of passive behaviour is teaching them? That if someone is doing something you don't want them to, you put up with it and quietly seethe inside. Do you think that's a healthy behaviour to model to a child?

Maybe you can suggest ways to send the child away then that doesn't risk upsetting the other parent and causing a scene because usually "you need to go back to mummy now" doesn't work.

If you are with your own child, what do you think that sort of passive behaviour is teaching them? That if someone is doing something you don't want them to, you put up with it and quietly seethe inside. Do you think that's a healthy behaviour to model to a child?

Why do you think its up to a random stranger to teach the child manners and social cues.Its not,its down to the parents.Its basically the job description.

EdnaAdaSmith

Wrt the football I Guess my son was about 5. He never really liked playing football. Just wasn't his thing and he wasn't very good at it. He enjoyed just kicking it backwards and forwards. So no, he didn't like it when other children who wanted to.play properly just took over.

The swimming pool - these children were holiday makers. They didn't live there. And you might think I'm ott for not swimming in an empty pool. That's fine. But accidents happen in swimming pools and I don't know how any parent can be sure that their 8 or 9 year old is safe when swimming in an unsupervised pool.

I would of just said. Sorry. But we can’t look after you. I’m here only for a while and need to spend time with my child etc. You can tell children things like that.

DecomposingComposers my kids actually swap languages depending on what language nearby children are speaking in order not to put them off joining in. They've always wanted other children to join in ever since they were toddlers, and generally the only reason they'd want a parent to play with them in public would be as a starting point to get other kids over to join in, then whichever parent was with them would back off, observe for a bit them back off further.

Uninterpreted parent-child time has always been at home - board games, baking etc. Or actually sitting at a table in a cafe or going on a journey. Children's play places, playgrounds, pools and above all ball games have always been social for my children, so we've always actively wanted other children to join in, then DH or I backs out of the game, as our children want and expect, and just the children play.

The climbing on a strange adult stuff I've never encountered - it's really only normal in virtual babies, under 2, unless as I said there is something else at play (neglect, habitual over supervision leading to the inability to function without adult focus and direction, or less often special needs).

Sorry - I meant to say so we're obviously coming at this from diametrically opposite backgrounds - if I'm kicking a ball about with my child its because we're hoping other children will join in and get a game going!

I would of just said. Sorry. But we can’t look after you. I’m here only for a while and need to spend time with my child etc. You can tell children things like that.

To who? The children at the swimming pool? But we wanted to stay all day and then felt pressured into packing up and going out just to politely excuse ourselves. How do you remain there and studiously ignore kids who refuse to take the hint? Or who want to join in with you while you're playing a game in the pool and just join in anyway? And then getting food or drink - do you just enjoy your food with the other kids sitting there looking at you?

I really don't see why the rest of us need to jump through hoops just because some parents want alone time or whatever. Go with your child to the pool or the park and watch out for them. Why is it so hard?

EdnaAdaSmith

Which is great for your children because that is what they want to do so why shouldn't other children be equally free to do what they want without having other children just assume that they can join in, even when politely told to go away?

@Dustarr73
Why do you think its up to a random stranger to teach the child manners and social cues.Its not,its down to the parents.Its basically the job description.

If you read my post again, you will find I am referring to the put-upon adult's own child. An adult who is unable to extricate themselves from the unwanted attention of a small child and has to sit and seethe instead is not demonstrating assertive behaviour to their own child.

If you don't give social cues, you cannot expect anyone to know what you want.

DontMakeMeShushYou

I keep asking for examples of how to do this though. If it is some easy maybe you could give some examples? I have tried saying "where's mummy? You need to go back" or words to that effect but to no avail. Sometimes the child just looks at you as though they don't understand (maybe they don't) and I've also been told it's fine mum said I could play with you!!!!!

DecomposingComposers my children would leave immediately if politely told to go away, and are very sensitive to body language and not thick skinned at all, so I doubt it would get to that point - they're pretty sensitive, bordering on too sensitive. It just seems weird to go to a public place with the specific aim of having alone time though.

This is possibly cultural - although I'm English I've brought my children up in Europe, and this explains why the friends they make wherever they go have always been from a range of European countries - Italy, Germany, the Netherlands, Poland, sometimes Wales (is this because Welsh people are different from English people or coincidental) but never English...

Different take on public space perhaps?

Pestering isn't okay, ever, but going to a public play area, especially an enclosed one in a cafe or soft play or a playground, and expecting everyone to remain in hermetically sealed bubbles and parents to intensely play with their children and never let them play without adult focus is missing a trick IMO. All children need casual interaction with other children and adults, to play with new children, and to have lots of undirected time - playing with adults has value but should not be the dominant form of play by a long stretch.

Maybe you can suggest ways to send the child away then that doesn't risk upsetting the other parent and causing a scene because usually "you need to go back to mummy now" doesn't work.

Well you could start by saying what you want, rather than the namby-pamby and probably incorrect "you need to go back to mummy now". The child almost certainly knows they DO NOT need to go back to mummy now so you've instantly put yourself in the position of being someone who doesn't mean what they say and whose words can be safely disregarded.
How about "We want to play on our own. Please go and find somewhere else to play".

Leaving a 5yo play on its own in the play area of a coffeeshop is NOT «expecting free childcare»
If you don’t want to interact with them then don’t!

I don't think anyone expects them to remain in hermetically sealed bubbles. I think that's hyperbole on your part. Playing without the interaction of your parent shouldn't mean playing with the interaction of another adult should it?

If your child is happy playing away from you - great. If that means that they go and latch onto another adult or child then they aren't playing independently are they?

And why can't parents take their child to a cafe, park or soft play for some 1:1 time? If people don't have gardens does that mean that they can't kick a ball around with their child? As adults we go to public spaces to spend time with partners don't we? I wouldn't expect to be having a meal or a drink with someone and get some random person come and join us just because we are in a place with other people.
As part of teaching children about socialising etc how about teaching them to ask permission to join in and to accept if the answer is "not today thank you"?

We want to play on our own. Please go and find somewhere else to play".

Because that sounds harsh?

I really don't see why the rest of us need to jump through hoops just because some parents want alone time or whatever

I really don't see why the rest of us need to prevent independent play just because some parents can’t manage to say «DD and I are playing together just the two of us» or whatever. It is jumping through hoops 🙄

What do you mean by independent play though? It seems to me that means "go and play with that child and their parents will I read my book in peace". How is that independent paly?