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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

406 replies

MustardScreams · 05/09/2019 14:27

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

OP posts:
jennymanara · 06/09/2019 09:44

A child of this age should not want to climb on a strangers lap. That is not normal behaviour and screams of a child desperate for some attention.
A child playing with another child though is normal.

DecomposingComposers · 06/09/2019 09:56

EdnaAdaSmith

I think there is a difference between children naturally striking up a friendship whilst playing, so chatting while they are playing on the slide say, and then children approaching a child playing with their parent or a child playing with a toy and then another child coming over and asking to play with the toy. Ime,that has always entailed the new "friend" monopolising said toy. I just don't understand how some parents think this is ok? Surely if your child approaches another family, or starts playing with another child's toys, you keep a close eye to make sure that your child isn't being a nuisance?

MarieIVanArkleStinks

I don't think they even thought about that. I guess they assumed that we would take them back home before we went anywhere else but it's just not on is it? We ended up having to buy them drinks because our children wanted them and I wasn't going to leave them out. It just got really awkward because we wanted to stay at the pool for the day but felt that we had to pretend to need to go out just to get them to go home.

Some parents are CFs and play on the fact that very few adults will be rude to children and refuse to have them around.

BlueMoon1103 · 06/09/2019 10:02

This drives me mad too OP! I had a child do this in soft play and they ended up really upsetting my 5 month old DS and we ended up leaving 😡 her parents knew where she was but just left her to harass us instead of coming and getting her, despite me loudly saying my DS had had enough!

MedalMedalMedal · 06/09/2019 10:16

I’m with you op. Dc are now grown up but we’ve had this many times when they were younger.

Sometimes you just want some time together as a family. I didn’t mind it sometimes tbf, but when it’s simply because parents just want to dump their child so they can have some peace then yes I did mind. Especially if you want to leave and you can’t find who they belong to because suddenly you’re seemingly responsible for random child.

There was def the assumption in some cases that because we had three another wouldn’t matter 🙄

DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/09/2019 10:27

@Veterinari

So what you’re saying is that it’s dickish to make any assumptions about the absent parents of an unsupervised small child who is climbing all over the OP, wanting to sit on her lap and generally disrupting her day In a cafe where there are potential hazards?

I said it was dickish to make an assumption that they were expecting free childcare.

So you think parents should be allowed to let their small children behave as they like with no supervision ...

No.
What I think is that it is dickish behaviour to make assumptions about other peoples expectations or intentions. As you have so beautifully just demonstrated.

... and we’re dicks for judging that or making assumptions about their lax behaviour which results in inconvenience to someone else?

Yes. Just assert yourself and deal with it without needing to make negative assumptions or judgements. The only reason for doing so is to make you feel superior and that is why it is dickish. If the child is in danger or you are concerned for their well-being, you can deal with that without needing to make a judgement.

DecomposingComposers · 06/09/2019 10:44

Just assert yourself and deal with it

How do you assert yourself to a 4 year old who doesn't take polite instructions like "time for you to go back to mummy now" on board?

DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/09/2019 11:15

How do you assert yourself to a 4 year old who doesn't take polite instructions like "time for you to go back to mummy now" on board?

By being clear, firm and accurate. "Time for you to go back to mummy now" is meaningless unless mummy is there and has given a time by which the child needs to return.

Batcrazymum3 · 06/09/2019 11:42

I think you’re a being a bit harsh.
If I took my 4/5 year old to a soft play, the last thing they would want is me tagging along behind them. Also for people saying the child wasn’t supervised… If I could see my child playing/ talking with other people I wouldn’t necessarily intervene.
Just because you couldn’t pin point the parent doesn’t mean they weren’t there.
Children’s play areas are a place for children to play and interact with each other. If you want one on one time with DD without other children gravitating towards her, pick somewhere with no children.

MustardScreams · 06/09/2019 12:07

@Batcrazymum3 see now that is the epitome of entitlement to me. Why should my dd miss out on something she enjoys doing just because other parents can’t be bothered to parent? Fair enough if your child doesn’t want to play with you, but I don’t want to play with your kid while you sit and watch from afar. That’s laziness on your part.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 06/09/2019 12:15

If I could see my child playing/ talking with other people I wouldn’t necessarily intervene.

Why not though? Do you not care if your child is bothering other people? How would you like those people to tell your child to leave them alone?

Children’s play areas are a place for children to play and interact with each other.

But this child wasn't interacting with other children - they were interacting with the OP.

There was a thread on here the other day from a mum at the playground. Another child had started playing with her and her children asking the op to push her on the swings etc. Op could see the mum but she did nothing other than an occasional glance over. Then the DC wanted to go on the roundabout but this child didn't want to go on it she wanted to push it. At which point the mum came over and started telling at the op. This is part of the problem. Adults are wary about being firm with a stranger's child, either in telling them to go back to the parent or stop being tough or whatever, because you don't know how the parent will react. Do most of us end up having to put up with a situation while CF parents enjoy the peace and quiet.

toomuchtooold · 06/09/2019 12:24

A child of this age should not want to climb on a strangers lap. That is not normal behaviour and screams of a child desperate for some attention

That's exactly what I was thinking. My kids definitely tend towards shy but I can't think of any of their school friends who would have been comfortable even starting a conversation with an adult they didn't know at that age, never mind get up on their lap.

Batcrazymum3 · 06/09/2019 12:26

@MustardScreams its laziness to let my child play and speak to other people??
OK then Hmm

@DecomposingComposers
Why not though? Do you not care if your child is bothering other people? How would you like those people to tell your child to leave them alone?

I would be very happy for my child to be told that they are being a pest and to leave people alone if that is indeed what they are doing? If I am to approach my child and say " come here, stop speaking to that person" and the person is
1- ok with my child talking to them- this gives my children mixed messages and will maybe become less likely to speak to people in social situations
2- they are not ok with it- this also doesn't allow them to learn social ques if the person has not indicated this.

why would it upset me to have someone tell my child to leave them if that's what they wanted??!

Batcrazymum3 · 06/09/2019 12:27

I will admit i did miss a page when reading and missed the child wanting to sit on your lap, that i would definitely stop my child from doing!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/09/2019 12:30

I said it was dickish to make an assumption that they were expecting free childcare.

Why? They were.

I'm afraid no decent parent would stand by monitoring the situation whilst their little darling clambered all over someone else's mother. They'd be over there in flash, making it unequivocally clear that they were not to do that - even if the other mother said she didn't mind. For one thing, she's a stranger to their own DC (remember the messages about that?) about whom they know nothing. I wouldn't so much as pop to the loo and leave my child in such a situation.

Yes, there's always the scenario that Mum #2 had collapsed in the car park or been taken suddenly and violently ill, but which is the most likely scenario?

The only interpretation - other than Mum #2 standing at a distance watching and thinking it quite acceptable - is that she was having 5 minutes' peace and hadn't clocked what was going on. Ergo, not doing her job as a parent and being quite happy for her child to latch onto someone else to do it for her.

There are no prizes for determining who was being the dick here. And in case that needs spelling out, it's not the OP.

DecomposingComposers · 06/09/2019 12:30

why would it upset me to have someone tell my child to leave them if that's what they wanted??!

Maybe you would not, but lots of parents would mind. How am I meant to know which camp you are in? If I don't want to risk a confrontation I'm more likely to put up with your child, whilst quietly seething inside, than say anything. And I don't see it as my job to teach your child about social cues.

Why wouldn't you wander over to the random person that your child is talking to and just check that it's ok?

IncrediblySadToo · 06/09/2019 12:39

Get back to us when your DD is older

Non toddlers can play in communal play areas for 15-20 minutes without constant parental interaction.

If you wanted to spend time alone with your DD and she’s been at granny’s and you’ve been in hospital - then why not stay home? Going to a small play area then complaining about others not respecting your bubble is entitled and ridiculous

Batcrazymum3 · 06/09/2019 12:40

@DecomposingComposers

Even if I was to wonder over and ask most people would say "oh they're fine" and quietly seething inside anyway.

I am in the camp of I don't understand people who don’t say what they want then bitch when people don’t automatically know and I’m staying in it.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/09/2019 12:41

Oh and you were NOT in any way ‘responsible ’ for her

EdnaAdaSmith · 06/09/2019 12:47

DecomposingComposers children who seek out and only interact with adult strangers and not other children do usually have issues of one type or another, whether special needs or neglect or indeed lack of social skills due to lack of exposure to other children without heavy adult direction you can't always tell. Yes children with that tendancy need parenting slightly differently. Most 4 or 5 year olds will not behave like that.

In fact I wonder whether this is a vicious circle sometimes. Where I live children of 5, certainly 6 plus have a fair amount of freedom and certainly go to the village playground alone. I've only encountered one child here in 12 years of taking my children to the playground and now just checking on the youngest, who sought out adult company rather than his peers, and he is autistic and struggles a bit with peer relationships. The other children are polite to adults but it wouldn't occur to or interest them to choose adult company over the other children, far less to play with an adult when there are children around.

Children who go to public playgrounds tend to play together. They also tend not to bring toys with them but rather to play with what's there already - it rather defeats the object of a playground if you take your own entertainment!

Mind you my kids live so close they do sometimes use the space if nobody else is there to play with their suction cup bow and arrow and target, but they know that if other children old enough to use it (7+) turn up they either take turns or pack it away and bring it home, and if toddlers turn up with parents they pack it up and bring it home.

I wonder what's creating all these 4/5 year olds who want to interact with unknown adults instead of other children? O we directed, over scheduled children used to looking to adults for everything and absolutely devoid of experience of managing without adult input, or neglected children? The number with special needs isn't going to be the main explanation, and parents of children with relevant special needs tend to be on the ball and know that their child needs extra support. Perhaps there are more parents at both extremes of suffocating / over scheduling / over directing children's time and the opposite, neglectful end, and too few in the middle, in some parts of the UK.

In the swimming pool example I'd be interested to hear how old the children were and whether they could swim. If they're over 8 and competent swimmers there's nothing wrong with them using a pool in a complex without adults. Their parents probably didn't expect anything at all of the other adults, and certainly not babysitting, drink buying or kidnapping them to take on an outing, nor escorting home - they probably just mentioned that there were other kids in the pool and maybe they'd like to play, with zero responsibility or expectations passed to other adults. If they were preschoolers or non swimmers it was obviously dangerous and neglectful... but with older children you get better outcomes if you let your children have some independence instead of keeping them permanently within arm's reach then suddenly chucking them in the deep end and making them completely responsible for themselves at some arbitrary age, or throw in the towel and give up parenting/ make parenting a battlefield when they rebel against the suffocating over supervision and it becomes impossible to force them to do everything with a parent.

ChocChocButtons · 06/09/2019 13:11

I agree it’s very annoying, where I Nanny there’s a play cafe we go in most Thursday morning. And there is a child who is always left alone in the play area. Poor kid is desperate for attention.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/09/2019 13:19

Why? They were.

The only person who knows what the parent expected is the parent. If I was prone to dickish behaviour, I might assume therefore that you must be the parent. As I'm not, I won't.

Eeyoreshouse · 06/09/2019 13:27

For those saying that they love it when their DC p!ay with other DC - this is a different scenario altogether! It's often not that little children want to play together, they want to latch on to the parent who is doing the entertaining, as their parents have disappeared! I am with you op, I love small dc, and I don't mind at all doing the usual amount of interaction that is normal in a kids play area, but I hate it when other parents don't take responsibility for their own offspring and lazily sit back while another adult puts in the work!

DecomposingComposers · 06/09/2019 13:27

EdnaAdaSmith

You raise interesting points.

As regards the swimming pool, the children were about 8 or 9. However, there were no lifeguards at the pool. Regardless of whether the parents intended the children to latch onto us or for us to keep an eye on them etc surely as responsible adults, that's what you do?

I'm a strong swimmer. I still will not go into a pool of I am there alone. Who was going to stop these children from messing around at the pool and maybe slipping in or having some other accident? Would you expect us to turn a blind eye if they got into difficulty? Of course you wouldn't so whether the parents intended it or not they did put us in the position of watching out for their children. And the very fact that these kids asked for us to help them with things like put their goggles on means that they did require some adult intervention. As regards buying them drinks, I would have felt terrible only buying our children a drink and having the other 2 sit watching them. Is that what we should have done?

Children playing together is fine if it is by mutual consent. It's when you encounter a limpet who won't leave your child alone when your child doesn't want to play that it becomes a problem.

As for toys at the park I'm talking about things like a kite or bats and balls, footballs etc. Things that aren't practical to play with in a small garden and need the space of a park. Why can't children take those to paly with without having to share them with other random children that they don't want to play with?

barryfromclareisfit · 06/09/2019 13:37

When I was two, my mother used to wash me, dress me, give me my handbag and tell me to go ‘visiting’ neighbours. Adults, not children. I had to knock on their doors, say I was visiting, and hope they would let me in. Of course, they didn’t want me, though some, kindly, would let me in occasionally and the old couple next door took pity on me and would let me visit often, until they moved away. Of course, I knew I wasn’t welcome. My mother said this was because no-one liked me and no-one would ever love me. I learned to go and stand alone at the top of the road, for as long as I could. She was never satisfied. It was never long enough.

If you get chance to be a kind to a child, please do.

PotatoShape · 06/09/2019 13:42

My kids, especially the eldest, would play exclusively with me 24/7. They would never, ever get bored of my company Shock and sometimes, I take them out to fun places and try to fucking ignore them for a while!

So, if I seem to be actively being aloof and not being an earth mother, it's because I need my eldest to learn to be without my input, I'm going to die one day and it's really at that point where if I want my body to be buried and not preserved in an attic, then I need to ignore them sometimes!!