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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why parents let their kids do this?!

406 replies

MustardScreams · 05/09/2019 14:27

Took dd out for lunch today to a lovely little cafe, geared up for kiddies (playroom, good kids food) as a treat as I haven’t been well, and work full time so we never have a week-day off together.

There was a little girl (the only other child there at that point) around 4/5 with no parents in sight and she saw me playing with dd and latched on. Usually I wouldn’t mind, but I really just wanted to spend time with my child. We couldn’t shake her off, and I couldn’t find her parent/guardian anywhere. Surely if you’re taking your kid out for lunch or whatever a) you keep an eye on them and b) you don’t let them harass other families?!

OP posts:
DontMakeMeShushYou · 05/09/2019 16:53

I think people really do think other parents just act as free childcare for the whole play area.

No, you're projecting. You think children should be supervised so you assume that all parents think children should be supervised and they are just leaving it to someone else to do. The reality is that they think their child can play and manage social interactions with other children without direct supervision from an adult.

crazychemist · 05/09/2019 16:54

I’m quite surprised at how many people aren’t surprised there was no adult in sight?

Admittedly my DD is just about to turn 3, but I’d be within eyesight of her. She loves other children and frequently latches onto groups of kids at our local park. In all honesty, I’m never quite sure if bigger kids might find her annoying, so I don’t usually directly intervene, but I hover nearby and I’m pretty certain any adults around know that she’s with me. If she approached another child in a cafe I’d check with the parent that it was ok with them (although I’m aware they’d probably just say yes out of politeness...... hopefully I’d pick up a hint if they didn’t like it!)

How do people balance letting their kids practice social skills and avoiding intruding on other people having family time?

Sagradafamiliar · 05/09/2019 16:55

When you're in the play area, you're in the children's territory. By being inside it, you're signalling that you're there to play. Young children don't understand anything more than that, certainly not that they are 'harassing' or that you've just had an op.
This is why I sit and watch from a safe distance with a coffee.

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 05/09/2019 16:59

Deciding that DC are old enough to play without close supervision is a call for parents to make. If your lo is joining another family group you need to intervene and entertain your own child or accept that people don't find your DC as cute as you do and don't have to entertain them.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/09/2019 17:03

Great that's a decision that's taken out of parents' hands near me. There are about 5 soft play areas in my town and all have rules that only children can use them as long as they're in the age appropriate areas. No adults allowed. Too dangerous in busy times. So a grown up in there would stand out.

Ravenesque · 05/09/2019 17:05

I was having a "what sort of parent lets their children do this!" moment about half an hour ago. I'm assuming that the primary and pre-school children started back today as there was much noise and screeching at around 3.30pm as parents and children congregated in the outside area of the small estate I live on. (no issue with this, btw) Happened to look out of the window at about 4.30pm. A wheelie bin is knocked to the floor and three children are taking it in turns to get into it while the other two let the lid down, then the first came out and so on.

This wasn't a case of the parents not being there. They were chatting and looking at their phones, occasionally turning to look at their children. The children who were playing in a dirty bloody bin! Obviously no rubbish in it, but it's scuzzy and may well still have a faint scent of eau de bin-juice. Plus when you condone this the children are going to do things that seem similar but are much more dangerous and oh my living days what on earth is wrong with some people!

Twistables · 05/09/2019 17:20

I find this op incredibly unfriendly. If you wanted privacy with your daughter why didn't you stay home? If you bring your child to a public place then you are likely going to have to interact with other people. Either your kid should have played with her or should have explained to the other kid that she wanted to sit and chat to her mother. Either way, that child was only being friendly.

wotsittoyou · 05/09/2019 17:21

Why can't you handle fobbing off a four year old? It sounds like you need to improve your assertiveness skills.

dottiedodah · 05/09/2019 17:26

I think this is a bit of an over reaction TBH.My children would often find another LO to play with ,and I would get talking to the parents!.Also happened other way round and we would be happy for them to play wit us.Sometimes Mum may have others to cope with ,or a very small baby !.I remember once we were at the park ,and a little girl was terribly excited when DD sat on the swing ,she was about 4 or 5 .The Mum said most children,/parents didnt want to play!.At that point only just realised the child was Downs!Children seek out other LO thats all and people arent mind readers to know if you have been ill!(Hope you are feeling better now)

Loveyou3000 · 05/09/2019 17:27

Why is "I don't want to be entertaining a total stranger's child" such a hard concept for some people to grasp. OP doesn't owe the child or the family of said child anything, it isn't her responsibility to play with this child just because they're in the same building, be it a play area for children or otherwise

Butchyrestingface · 05/09/2019 17:27

I don’t understand why people are telling an OP who’s been in hospital and wants to spend some quality time with her own kid at a cafe (not softplay!) that she’s BU to be irritated by a hovering child.

The only unreasonable part was not alerting staff to presence of unsupervised child.

EntirelyAnonymised · 05/09/2019 17:30

dottiedoodah, the child wasn’t Downs. The child had Down’s Syndrome, though I appreciate the gist of your story.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/09/2019 17:31

It was in the playroom at the café which is why some people are comparing to soft play.
The OP didn't have to engage with the child. And I find it hard to believe there was no parent in sight. More likely the parent was sat enjoying some quiet time (being 'lazy') whilst the child played independently in an age appropriate child's setting.

Drabarni · 05/09/2019 17:33

YANBU it was a special time for you and your dd.
You stated that you don't normally mind, I wouldn't have been happy either and I don't mind, usually encourage others to join in.

I'd have just said go to mummy or daddy now please, we are busy. Also I always inform staff if a child is on their own.
Chances are parents were watching from a safe distance.

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 05/09/2019 17:36

I think you need to have a word with yourself for getting annoyed at a small child for (shock horror!) being sociable!

I took dd on holiday where we met a family (2 adults, 2 kids) in our hotel. Each evening, dd and I went to the (unmanned) hotel pool. The parents of the 2 kids started sending them (by themselves) when they knew we’d be in the pool, so I’d end up supervising them by myself, for about an hour/hour and a half each night. One of the parents would then appear and collect the kids. It was blatantly obvious they’d just had sex (the mum often had smooth hair at the front but a birds nest at the back!) but even though they were using me as a babysitter I didn’t blame the kids- I did however think the parents were bigtime cheeky fuckers.

Bookworm4 · 05/09/2019 17:38

@Ravenesque
Kids playing in a bin; yes they could get dirty but it’s hardly bad parenting and not leading to danger ffs
Kids do daft things, they get filthy, calm yourself.

Ravenesque · 05/09/2019 17:54

@Bookworm4, I'm pretty calm about it, I just don't think I'd sit there watching my kids playing in a dirty bin because it's pretty vile. Yes kids get dirty playing, I'm not some sort of germophobe, but bins are yuck.

Still, I have seen worse on the estate so I guess when I see something pretty gross I just see the beginning of the rest of the shit parents let their children get up to.

jennymanara · 05/09/2019 17:54

Having read all the thread, it is clear that there are real divisions in opinions between those with children aged 2-3 and those with slightly older children. I think for many parents it can be hard to realise when your child is only 2, just how much children have changed by the time they are 5.
And I know this was a cafe, not soft play, but a few have talked about playing with kids in soft play. Generally I have found that once you get beyond a soft play area for babies/toddlers, that adults are a physical danger to young kids in soft play. They just take up too much space in an environment that is not built for them - well at any soft plays I have ever been in anyway.

Veterinari · 05/09/2019 18:07

OP if you’d asked ‘AIBU to go to a cafe, ignore my child and expect strangers to provide free childcare’ you’d have had your arse handed to you
However as you’re asking the opposite and people are dicks in AIBU then if course you are unreasonable for not joyfully offering free childcare to a stranger!
Bugger your plans with your DD! Hmm

If course you aren’t unreasonable - if nothing else it’s dangerous for a young child to be left unsupervised in a cafe.

JingsMahBucket · 05/09/2019 18:08

@Twistables
I find this op incredibly unfriendly. If you wanted privacy with your daughter why didn't you stay home?

You must be freaking joking. Why should the OP or anyone else stay home just because some lazy parent doesn’t want to watch their own children??

scarbados · 05/09/2019 18:08

I used to live near a cricket club bar with a children's play area. They used to put a 'minder' on the play area gate to stop people dumping their kids then pissing off to the pub across the road.

EdnaAdaSmith · 05/09/2019 18:14

If you had been at your table you would have been completely reasonable to expect to be left in peace and for other parents to keep their child away, but you were in the play corner!

Did you expect exclusive use of the play corner?

DontMakeMeShushYou · 05/09/2019 18:20

However as you’re asking the opposite and people are dicks in AIBU then if course you are unreasonable for not joyfully offering free childcare to a stranger!

Did the stranger ask for free childcare? No! So you would be a bit of a dick to assume that was what they expected. HTH.

Veterinari · 05/09/2019 18:29

Did the stranger ask for free childcare? No! So you would be a bit of a dick to assume that was what they expected. HTH.

Right so now you’re calling the OP a dick for kindly managing someone else's Child? Nice Hmm

Clearly the parent did not specifically ask the OP. But it’s also pretty clear that they were absent enough to let their child harass other patrons in the cafe, and weren’t minding her themselves, so yes there obviously seems to be an expectation that someone else would entertain the child even though the parents did not explicitly ask, and in fact weren’t even present.

Considering most people on mumsnet wouldn’t leave a 4/5 year old alone in bed for 5 minutes it seems odd that posters like you seem to think it’s ok for the same age child to be unsupervised alone in a setting with hot water, knives and a multitude of strangers...

dustarr73 · 05/09/2019 18:31

Did the stranger ask for free childcare? No! So you would be a bit of a dick to assume that was what they expected. HTH

Well that would be hard considering they where nowhere to be found

I had younger kids,mine are older now.But all those saying about the child hanging on to @MustardScreams and what did she expect being in a play area.Well she doesnt expect to be minding other peoples kids,for a start.

Im sure all these saying the op was yabu,would have happily sat there and played with an unknown child.Whilst not being alble to play with your own,somehow i really doubt that.

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