Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance from rich ex boyfriend

772 replies

Hanny3 · 05/09/2019 10:52

I recently found out I'm three months pregnant. I'm no longer together with the father. I will be raising the child by myself as the father doesn't won't anything to do with the child.

He has said he will pay child maintenance. He's a very rich guy and comes from a very rich family. He said to me when where together that he earned £15,000 per month after tax (by working for his dad) and that he had other incomes from his investments. He also has a large personal fortune.

He has said he will pay £1,273 a month in child maintenance. He claims that is the maximum he has to pay according to law.

I'm a student and don't have much money. I have asked if he would be willing to pay more the first two years so I can really focus on finishing my studies. He said no.

My mom and my friends are telling my if I take it to court I would get more per month, and are encouraging me to do so. My ex on the other hand says I would get less if I take it to court.

So I was wondering if anyone knows if I would get more per month if I took it to court? And I'm I totally unreasonable if I think he should pay more the first two years while I'm a student?

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 05/09/2019 18:49

What he pays towards his child should be equal to his ability. He’s on a good salary and the amount should reflect that.

And if OP fails her course? Or decides to not work?

The quote was that the parents are responsible. That includes OP.

As a single parent, we sometimes have to accept we cant do the things we want. When we want it. Because we are responsible for the child too.

AE18 · 05/09/2019 18:51

@RolyWatts

*@AE18 you sound like you are coming from an MRA perspective.

He had a choice. The choice not to impregnate someone. He could have not had sex, he could have had a vasectomy, he could have at the very least doubled up on contraception. As women shouldn't for their own sake rely on men for income, men should not rely on women to ensure they remain childless. I know it is not entirely the case in this post but men who refuse to practically or financially support their children should be forced to do unpaid labour. If the state is supporting that child in anyway the absent parent should reimburse the state with work. Might get them to take a bit more responsibility for where their sperm ends up.*

Hahahaha I've been called many things but never an MRA 😂 Not quite, in almost all scenarios I am a raging feminist and it's hard to get me to even tolerate most men.

However, I don't think anyone that doesn't want a child should be forced to be in their lives. The only reason this is a problem for men more than it is for women is because (sadly for us) it happens to women's bodies, the side effect of which is that beyond having sex, men have no choice in whether to keep the child.

I do not think the responsibility for contraception should fall solely to women - I have suffered with every kind of hormonal contraception and spent a frankly ridiculous amount of time ranting about the lack of funding for male equivalents. However, that isn't relevant. The point is if a conversation is had and it is agreed that the woman has it covered, then I don't believe the man is at fault if a pregnancy occurred. The same would be true in reverse. I could see your point if the man was just not taking contraception, not asking, or lying about taking it, but there's no reason to think that's the case.

If the woman changes/stops her discussed contraception and doesn't tell him, then I don't think he should be responsible for the resulting pregnancy because he has been misled. If they use contraception and it fails, then yes I think he should provide financially, but not practically if he makes it clear he doesn't want to be involved from the start. It is her choice whether or not to have a termination, knowing that.

If a man makes it clear that he does not want the baby and the woman decides to keep it anyway, then I don't personally think his financial input should be proportional to his income if it is higher than a threshold, I think it should be an amount that is deemed enough to cover half of the costs of raising the child and then he should be left to get on with his life (as is pretty much the case).

He has not left her in the lurch, he has offered her more than enough money to comfortably feed and care for the child he doesn't want. Given the circumstances that is enough.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 18:55

No roly i think its a bit of a joke to be honest and totslly impossible to police.

Jesse70 · 05/09/2019 18:58

Genderfree come on bonjourfreddie has made a valid point!
He will be paying for his mistake and unless the OP gives us more information we can't assume what happened and who used what
What we do know is he didn't want a baby she decided to keep it he is paying for it and she wants more !
She's a dick

Genderfree · 05/09/2019 19:05

Likethisone-

“And if OP fails her course? Or decides to not work? “

“The quote was that the parents are responsible. That includes OP.”

“As a single parent, we sometimes have to accept we cant do the things we want. When we want it. Because we are responsible for the child too.”

What if, what if, what if.

We can all pay that game. What if he decides nah, I won’t pay anything.

Women have the right to go to university, even single parent ones. He shouldn’t pay to maintain her but his payments to his child should reflect his income. At the moment what he’s offering doesn’t appear to.

Genderfree · 05/09/2019 19:10

Valid point about what. I’ve already said we don’t know what contraception was used if any. Whether he wants the child is irrelevant. Yes she’s wrong to expect maintenance for herself but maintenance for their child should be equal to his ability to pay, not the minimum he can get away with.

Tippety · 05/09/2019 19:10

working would be pointless since i would have to pay for childcare

Welcome to the real world :)

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 19:13

maintenance for their child should be equal to his ability to pay, not the minimum he can get away with

I disagree tbh. It only costs so much yo raise a child. The rest is clearly going to go to op. It encourages people to do just this....

Genderfree · 05/09/2019 19:16

If childcare wipes out the financial benefit of working and it doesn’t further her career, then she’s better concentrating on her studies is she not. Her child will be better off in the long run.

Ilikethisone · 05/09/2019 19:17

What if, what if, what if.

This whole thread is based on what ifs.

Basically what you are saying is that the op shouldnt have financial responsibility for the baby. Ever.

I dont believe everyone has the right to go to university. Firstly people who dont get the grades dont.

And university isnt right for some people at certain times. Sometimes people have to out it off because of other responsibilities they have.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 19:18

If childcare wipes out the financial benefit of working and it doesn’t further her career, then she’s better concentrating on her studies is she not. Her child will be better off in the long run

Frankly she can do what she wants, but she cant expect someone else to fund it for her.

babbez · 05/09/2019 19:19

Can someone explain where the money is actually going? In the early days, of course you have to buy pushchair, cot and all that... but I mean come on - a whole grand spent on one child per month?

Nobody can say that's for the child. That's for OP. Morality aside he has no obligation to help her out, just his child.

Student parents get so much financial help. I'm London, you also get more maintenance than if you were living elsewhere, plus grants and benefits.

And no, you don't get brownie points for looking after your child , for those who mentioned he should pay more to her.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 19:19

We dont know that her child will be better off in the long run for her studying. Depends what degree for a start off. Its not a ticket to starting on a good wage anymore.

RolyWatts · 05/09/2019 19:20

@bonjourfreddie yeah cos thousands and thousands of dead beat fathers not contributing and thousands and thousands of children living in poverty and at the mercy of the state is a really funny joke.

And its also hilarious how there seems to be plenty of processes in place to catch and punish those who commit benefit fraud but putting processes in place to catch and punish those who defraud their own children is completely impossible. Hilarious.

And everyone is responsible for their own reproduction @AE18. Everyone. I can say I don't want to get fat but if I keep eating biscuits there is a fair chance its going to happen. I would put money on the fact that there is not one person on this thread who doesn't know someone who has had a contraception failure. Any man who puts his future financial freedom and personal autonomy at risk is a fool. It is up to him to ensure he is protected.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 19:21

No i said your idea was a joke. And tbh the system now is absolutely shite. You shouldn't be able to get away with paying no maintenance i 100% agree. Your idea isnt the way forward though imo.

Banangana · 05/09/2019 19:22

If childcare wipes out the financial benefit of working and it doesn’t further her career, then she’s better concentrating on her studies is she not. Her child will be better off in the long run.

This may be the case but it doesn't sound like the father is interested in facilitating this. That's the risk with choosing to procreate with a man who has made it clear that he doesn't care about you or the unborn baby and will only be contributing the minimum he's required to by law.

Genderfree · 05/09/2019 19:24

Bonjourfreddie -

“I disagree tbh. It only costs so much yo raise a child. The rest is clearly going to go to op. It encourages people to do just this....”

Why shouldn’t a child benefit from his fathers financial position. Why should he/she be worst off than a child with divorced parents. Yes I know many divorced fathers get away with paying a pittance or nothing at all but there’s many who pay according to their income. It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.

RolyWatts · 05/09/2019 19:27

And to the person asking what the money would pay for? Do you have kids?

Full time nursery costs on average around £1000 a month. A father should be paying half of this. As well as a contribution towards the other living costs, rent or mortgage, gas/electrics, food, clothing, furniture, school items. Then if you're feeling particularly generous you might think that a child deserves such things as toys, or after school activities like learning to swim that I personally think the nrp should also contribute towards.

Jess389 · 05/09/2019 19:31

I think if OP made the decision to be a single mother then she should accept the Ex's offer and be prepared to bend over backwards to build a future for her and her child off her own back.

OP in 10 years time would you rather look back at what YOU'VE created for your child or instead be dealing with an EX that could hold it against you that you only got where you are because of him and his money?

If you don't need him to raise the child then stand on your own two feet and prove that. Show your child what can be done with hard work, sacrifice and determination. Those are values you'll want to pass on to them.

pikapikachu · 05/09/2019 19:32

Can someone explain where the money is actually going? In the early days, of course you have to buy pushchair, cot and all that... but I mean come on - a whole grand spent on one child per month?

Full-time childcare for my dd was £1k a month 15 years ago. (London suburbs) Some degrees have very long hours (placements etc)

Genderfree · 05/09/2019 19:32

Banangana -

“This may be the case but it doesn't sound like the father is interested in facilitating this. That's the risk with choosing to procreate with a man who has made it clear that he doesn't care about you or the unborn baby and will only be contributing the minimum he's required to by law.“

Minimum required by the CMS only not the Children Act.

Anyway that’s not what I meant. There used to be financial help specifically for single parents wanting to study. Have they all gone?

Jesse70 · 05/09/2019 19:34

I think everyone is going to have to agree to disagree on this subject

PurpleTigerLove · 05/09/2019 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

timshelthechoice · 05/09/2019 19:39

Look, he's already swotted up enough to know what his max contribution is. I don't doubt he's taken legal advice as well. So you cna look at him with £££ in your eyes but I reckon if you go in for all these 'court top ups' that he'll quite easily go self-employed and you won't see a bean out of him.

timshelthechoice · 05/09/2019 19:42

There used to be financial help specifically for single parents wanting to study. Have they all gone?

Yes. It is all Universal Credit and loans now.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.