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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 13:32

He needs more than 120 for the week, no matter what

This. Even on the cheapest holidays, when you're not self catering, it's incredibly difficult in most big eu countries to be able to eat out twice a day and factor in refreshments and entertainment, for twenty quid a day. You couldn't even do that here. You want drinks out, drinks in the evening, even if just soft, it's pretty much impossible to do for twenty quid.

Either the op or her son could easily have googled the hotel, asked for menus, looks at rhe location, nearest eateries etc.

Asking if there are cheap places is fine, but cheap is subjective, and there are very few pubs you can get a meal and a drink for lunch for a fiver.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2019 13:33

I agree with you OP.

They led you to believe that it would be cheap to eat and you taught he had enough. I would think he expected to use his own cash for fun things - and now he can't even afford a meal! He must be so disappointed and embarrassed.

TBH, I can't understand how his hosts aren't just feeding him, even if they were muttering under their breath at having to do so.

There's NO WAY I could sit down and enjoy a meal knowing that my friend. son's friend was hungry and NOT buy their dinner, even if I had to have a cheaper meal myself. I just couldn't.

Where in Italy are they? We've eaten some wonderful cheap food in Italy.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 04/09/2019 13:38

maybe they're pissed off because they bought your DS along in the hope that he and their DS would piss off into town in the evenings giving them a bit of alone time, and instead are lumbered with 2 teens coming along to their fancy restaurants with them because they are too lazy to walk into town
This makes sense actually

Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 13:39

What @Aprillygirl said

they feel that your DS is taking the piss in some way. Are they seeing him squandering the little he does have on cans of coke from room service at a tenner a pop? Or maybe they're pissed off because they bought your DS along in the hope that he and their DS would piss off into town in the evenings giving them a bit of alone time, and instead are lumbered with 2 teens coming along to their fancy restaurants with them because they are too lazy to walk into town

See the 70 euros steak

downbutnotout2018 · 04/09/2019 13:40

Can't he walk into town and get some nice bread, cheese olives, tomatoes, ham and stick it in the hotel fridge? Crappy behaviour of he hosts though. I'd never see my son's friends starve especially when vulnerable and on holiday.

Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 13:41

Sorry I am off my lunch break now so will reply more slowly.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

Thank you so much for the offer, however if DS does decide he wants to borrow money then we do have family I can ask. I mentioned back a few pages that we meant my sister some substantial amount that we then wiped off when we were in a better financial position, so I know that if things got really dire then I could ask her, and indeed she has already offered. But thank you so much, you are very kind. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 13:45

DS has texted me to say he has been to town and has picked up fruit and bread and they have a small mini fridge for butter he has bought.

DS would MUCH rather mooch into town st night, however his friend has not wanted to so they haven’t.

The two expensive meals he bought- he went with the family and couldn’t exactly not eat anything. One was the first night after not having eaten since the plane and the other was a lunch after a boat excursion, and apparently they’d already sat down when he looked at the menu. DS accepts that sometimes on this holiday he will have to spend a large amount on food as he can’t avoid it all the time.

OP posts:
Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 13:51

Posted too soon.

Sorry OP but I think your son is only telling you half of the story. It's extremely odd that a family who has been so generous with flights, hotel, activities etc. would simply begrudge feeding him.
Many moons ago my parents kindly agreed to take my cousin on holiday with us so I could have some company (only child here). Said cousin proceeded to refuse to eat anywhere else but a particular (expensive) restaurant every evening, demanded brand new swimwear and accessories for the water activities we had (one of which we had to abandon 10 min in because she decided she didn't want to do it anymore) and we all had to spend 3 hours in our hotel rooms every lunchtime/afternoon because she wanted to nap.
My parents were very gracious but I still feel guilty for the shit holiday they had.

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 13:52

"Even at The Shard a steak doesn't cost €70 and a sandwich certainly isn't €45. Is he at the most expensive 5* hotel in Italy? "

Roses - I don't think you are factoring in the sterling : euro exchange rate. Pre Brexit at the end of 2015 £1 equalled 1.8 euros so 70 euros translated to £38.30 (not beyond what you might expect in an upscale restaurant for the best cut of steak). Today with a £1 equating to just 1.1 euros (so almost parity) that 70 euro steak costs us £63.60

So no, those are not unfathomable prices. That menu is only exorbitant if you are British

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2019 13:52

It does put the family in a very awkward position though, they are now faced with the son not joining them for meals and sitting in the room eating pot noodles, so will feel obliged as many on this thread. The agreement was he would pay for himself. 120 was never going to be enough. The op and her son expected to be eating in cheap pubs and restaurants, etc but you're not going to find any this cheap when uou factor in he would probably have to have a drink or two of an evening, and during the day,

I really can't understand why anyone would think that's feasible. And who is paying for all the activities he is doing? Is it the family?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 04/09/2019 13:53

A brand new MN-er posts a heart-rending tale of financial woe, and this happens. The run-up to Christmas is going to be a cakewalk hmm

Oh come on it was hardly a "heart-rending tale of financial woe" - more a moral dilemma.

Anyway, it was pretty clear the OP wasn't appealing for money because she said her son had turned down a loan from his aunt but I missed that bit.

DarlingNikita · 04/09/2019 13:54

maybe they're pissed off because they bought your DS along in the hope that he and their DS would piss off into town in the evenings giving them a bit of alone time, and instead are lumbered with 2 teens coming along to their fancy restaurants with them because they are too lazy to walk into town

As well as what the OP says above (his friend has not wanted to), the parents are surely capable of saying breezily, 'Right, we'd like a nice dinner just us two tonight, so you pair should think about a trip into town and entertaining yourselves!'

The friend does sound like a wet lettuce.

DarlingNikita · 04/09/2019 13:55

who is paying for all the activities he is doing? Is it the family?

The OP has said 'Activities have been stuff that DS does not add cost too- ie, hiring a boat for the day'.

Kazzyhoward · 04/09/2019 13:56

Pre Brexit at the end of 2015 £1 equalled 1.8 euros so 70 euros translated to £38.30

Nice bit of picking a date to show the worst position. The exchange rate was far better before and after your arbitrary date. Back in 2009, it was very similar to what it is today.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/09/2019 13:56

I wouldn't have sent him tbh.If ds went on holiday abroad I'd thing hed need at least £400 to be safe

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 13:58

Clueless - but the accommodation hasn't cost them any additional and neither have the activities according to the OP (hire of a yacht - same price if 3/4/5 people on it)

They have however paid his flight, and I'm thinking it is more a case of the mother (OP says the mother is quite unpleasant) virtue signalling to herself that they've done more than enough, and haven't they been oh so generous in helping a "less fortunate" Hmm , than the OP's son being entitled (for which there is no evidence) and them reacting accordingly

MzHz · 04/09/2019 13:59

Wow that’s crap of them! We took a friend of my teen ds with us, his parent Sent him with money but he honestly didn’t need it. We were in an Airbnb and bought a lot of food, cooked every day and if ever the boys wanted to buy crap or ice cream or anything that’s where his money went

This lad wasn’t from a background where money was tight, but even if he were I’d have made sure he was fed and happy.

Your poor ds! The only good thing I suppose is that he is old enough to be able to walk himself to town and spend some of his saved cash to make sure he can eat enough without breaking the bank

Over time when he’s at uni there Will be time to top him up a bit as and when there’s money to do so.

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2019 14:00

Hmmmm.

If the ds's tale is true and hotel dining is the only option then the parents should be paying for the ds's meals.

But... it may be more of a case of there being other options and the ds has been fine dining with impunity and ordering room service. If the parents are pissed off about this they should tell the boys to go down to the village and get a pizza/sandwich.

The host family have paid for flights, accommodation and activities. No one could accuse them of not having forked out a great deal already.

And I'm Hmm about the OP's financial state. She says the ds has savings but just doesn't want to spend them. AND, I lent him money when his car broke last year . So he had a car at 17? Clearly this is a very deprived young man.

I call a very entitled young man, and a somewhat entitled OP.

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 14:02

Kazzy I picked the end of 2015 because the Brexit vote took place in June 2016! It is the most appropriate date

ChiaraRimini · 04/09/2019 14:11

Shit situation for your DS and a bit weird if they are choosing to eat out in expensive places and expecting him to pay for his share.
Saying that It's a tight budget but surely anywhere in Italy you can get a pizza for 10 euro, and most pizza places will do it to take away. So you don't need to sit in and buy expensive drinks.
The village bakery may also do filled sandwiches to take away or if not just buy ham/cheese and bread and DIY. Local fruit in season will be reasonably priced. Bottled water costs pennies.
It will be a learning experience for him anyway!

rookiemere · 04/09/2019 14:12

Can't recall exchange rate ever being 1.8 euros to £1. Exactly prior to Brexit it was around 1.2 euros per £. I know this as bought a load as soon as the referendum results

SecretWitch · 04/09/2019 14:12

I would be horrified if I saw a young guest, part of my group, struggling for food. I would absolutely take on his food expense. I can’t understand how this family comments on how little he is eating and does nothing about it, especially after being told there is a financial problem.

ilovecherries · 04/09/2019 14:13

I don’t think so much that it’s about requiring consideration. For me as a host I wouldn’t dream of inviting a student guest along with me if I wasn’t willing to pay for them. I’d be mortified at the thought of them eating pot noodles in their bedroom. We are going on holiday in a couple of weeks, and my student DD is coming with us (she saw the opportunity and grabbed it!) Anyway, I asked her if she’d like to invite her friend out for a few days, as there will be a spare bed. Friend is paying for her own flight as she isn’t travelling with us, but we’ll pick her up and drop her off at the airport, and if they are eating with us then I will be paying for both of them. I wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise. I won’t be paying for them to go out together clubbing etc, but I wouldn’t do that at home. But all meals, snacks etc when we are together will be paid for by us, for both of them. I wouldn’t dream of inviting her if I wasn’t prepared to do that.

Cluelessbeetroot · 04/09/2019 14:13

18yr old lad moans about a 1 hr walk, orders a 70 euros steak but moans he hasn't got enough money from his mum whilst having his own savings which he doesn't want to touch - I can't say this IS evidence he is entitled because I don't know the lad, but it's certainly pointing that way for me

RavenLG · 04/09/2019 14:17

Maths isn't my strong point but this doesn't add up tbh.
He's been in the restaurant twice, 2x70Euro steak, which is more than £120 converted? Even if the meal was say 50Euro, that's only left him with 20Euro and you said it was just as expensive in the town so how did he afford a meal there?