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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 13:02

Afford to feed yourself or starve" is not an invitation offered by civilized people, whatever the budget.

I think the DS has done ok, frankly, given that everything else has been paid for him bar food.

And he had had the option of using his savings, not ordering steak, eating in town, getting in supplies.

Just as I wouldn’t see him starve if I took him on holidays, I’d also never let him depend even further on the hospitality of people who’ve significantly funded a nice holiday for him.

They didn’t sufficiently research and budget this trip. The OP has admitted as much. Lesson learnt for the future.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 13:02

Everything on the menu, without exception, will be highly priced

Well yes I'm not disputing that but surely there were options cheaper than a 70 euro steak he could have chosen. Ordering the steak is often going to be the most expensive meal on any menu. It just seems daft to order the most expensive meal when he is already struggling with the budget he has.

It also sends out the wrong message to the family who took him as to them he is complaining he is struggling to afford to buy food in one breath and then rdering 70 euros worth of steak in the next.

milliefiori · 04/09/2019 13:03

I think you can stop worrying. You have offered him several options - his aunt has offered to lend money, so have you. He has some savings. It's only for a few days. He's made it clear to the hosts that he can't afford the prices. They think they've been sufficiently generous and don't see the issue, which is their (Imo short-sighted) perogative. He's choosing not to spend his uni money on fitting in with them as he'd rather make it last than squander it all. That shows strength of character. It's a very uncomfortable situation to be in but it's also a very common one. If you befriend rich people, however generous they are they expect you to keep up with them. I've never met any who don't.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 04/09/2019 13:03

You are amazing
Although you should never offer money over the internet
Thank you Emeraldshamrock and if course you are quite right but it just made me so cross. Anyway in my cross state I missed the bit about the OP's sister offering money.

CGTER567 · 04/09/2019 13:03

I think it's not unreasonable if you were told there were cheap bars/shops.
£20 could easily feed you here for 6 days if you ate at fast for joints and greasy spoons and cheap bars- especially if breakfast is free.

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 13:05

I also think DS might be sending mixed messages. Have the parents been told he hasn’t got enough money?

Ordering the steak when there are cheaper options wouldn’t suggest to them that he’s struggling.

OtraCosaMariposa · 04/09/2019 13:05

I also think there's probably been a huge misunderstanding over how the op is defining cheap food. If you're use ld to a 70 euro steak, then a €30 lunch is cheap. Cheap to the op isa €8 pizza. Total mismatch of expectations which is nobody's fault.

However op with so much information at you finger tips there's really no excuse for not realising that the village was so far away and that the hotel restaurant is expensive.

Adding to the huge chorus of £20 per day being nowhere near enough.

LaurieMarlow · 04/09/2019 13:06

Well yes I'm not disputing that but surely there were options cheaper than a 70 euro steak he could have chosen

Yes, apparently he could have saved himself 25 quid by ordering a sandwich.

roses2 · 04/09/2019 13:08

Even at The Shard a steak doesn't cost €70 and a sandwich certainly isn't €45. Is he at the most expensive 5* hotel in Italy? Hmm

Boysey45 · 04/09/2019 13:08

@BrendasUmbrella,hes got choices though he can spend his own money or take initiative and walk into town himself and buy some shopping. I don't want to spend my money, but its a fact of life you have to. He needs to grow up and go into town, whats the problem in walking for an hour? Its cock all.

rookiemere · 04/09/2019 13:11

I think the family sound awful.
They are ordering meals at the expensive hotel, knowing that finances are tight for your DS. However I do think there would be something cheaper than steak on the menu Wink.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/09/2019 13:15

I'd normally pay for meals for a guest I took on holiday, but unless they were very badly off I would usually expect that (a) they'd offer to pay for at least one meal and (b) wouldn't choose the €70 steak. He's 18 not 8, and joining in every activity but choosing not to spend his uni savings or walk down a hill.

His manners aren't great, he probably does need a bit more money and either dip into his savings or take out a loan. Can he pick up some extra casual work when he gets back to fund it? Plenty of pre-uni students doing a couple of weeks of labouring or the like around here to fund.holidays.

swingofthings · 04/09/2019 13:16

In all likelihood he is lying to you and the money has gone on drinks.

Breakfasts in hotels almost always allow you to make up for lunch, sandwiches, fruits, cakes, so he would only need to pay for dinner.

I very much doubt there are no buses there it indeed there isn't a shop walking distance.

I find your attitude shocking and massively ungrateful.

LeysaV · 04/09/2019 13:17

Absolutly what @LimitIsUp has said.

colourlessgreenidea · 04/09/2019 13:17

How much does he need, poor kid - message me and I'll send him some and he or you can pay me back when you're able.

A brand new MN-er posts a heart-rending tale of financial woe, and this happens.

The run-up to Christmas is going to be a cakewalk Hmm

Whitejasmine · 04/09/2019 13:20

Grin at colourlessgreen

DarlingNikita · 04/09/2019 13:23

He needs to grow up and go into town, whats the problem in walking for an hour?

The OP has said the parents have organised activities for them every day and it's difficult (and I imagine embarrassing) for him to say 'I can't come today, I've got to spend two hours walking to and from the shops.'

If there is a 'lesson' for the OP to 'learn' here, it's to pay attention when people make barbed comments about money and/or act snobby and entitled every time you see them. This woman is clearly unpleasant.

Kokeshi123 · 04/09/2019 13:23

As other posters have said, everyone needs to take some responsibility for this situation. It sounds like there was some miscommunication all round. The boy and his mother should have taken a more careful look at where the hotel was located. He needs more than 120 for the week, no matter what. The host family should have been clearer and more truthful about how far the town was, and should not have implied that there would be time for him to wander into town and get his food. The 18yo needs to be more assertive and explain that he has got to have the chance to walk in and stock up on food, and that he cannot be dragged round on this circuit of endless activities.

The OP and her son should have been more careful, but the host family also sound like they are stuck in a wealth bubble and do not "get" that other people have different budgets.

Chathamhouserules · 04/09/2019 13:25

I think you did the right thing giving him an amount which should cover cheap food for the holiday (not steak, but the cheap food you were led to believe was available) and then if he wants something more fancy or beers etc then he can pay for it from his savings. You shouldn't cover booze I don't think.
With hindsight he should have explained early on to the family that he'd have to go into town and buy some stuff for the week, as he couldn't afford hotel prices, but not all 18 year olds are very sensible (€70 steak).
And I think the family should have realised that the food was not cheap as promised so offered to pay for some meals or suggest he goes into town.

Paddyodoors · 04/09/2019 13:25

Italy is well known for being insanely expensive

Beautiful3 · 04/09/2019 13:25

I'm feeling sad for your son. I can't believe they'd let him go hungry. Think he ought to buy some bread,jam, noodles and crisps from a local shop to get him through the day.

rookiemere · 04/09/2019 13:26

Another thing is that family must be insanely rich. We're comfortable and I would never spend €70 on a steak dinner because it's a total rip off.

I was in Bologna recently and if you were very frugal indeed €20 would probably have covered you for the day,if you filled up with the free snacks that you get with an evening drink and then got pizza for your other meal, or alternatively had a sandwich for lunch and pasta for dinner. But that's assuming you're in the centre of town with lots of options.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 04/09/2019 13:29

It all sounds so strange, what happens in the restaurants, do they really ask for split bills (or ask your DS to reimburse them)?? Same for room service, the family must put it on the room, what about your DS, does he pay them back?

I would definitely pay for the food if I was inviting a «child» - meaning someone that still lives with their parents and is in full time education, regardless of them being over 18.

Propertyfaux · 04/09/2019 13:31

I would never invite anyone to a five star hotel/resort/restaurant who had a one star budget unless I could cover. It sounds like they have booked accommodation that is isolated. He stays he cannot afford to eat if he goes off on his own he feels rude. I have been encouraged to do something whilst worried at the cost to find that a should of listened to my own judgement instead of the “it will no ok” as I handed over the last of my money.

TheSummerGone · 04/09/2019 13:31

£120 is plenty!

Yy to a big stock on pot noodles.

The walk is an adventure

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