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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mummatoreds · 04/09/2019 12:44

I definitely wouldn't expect a guest to pay for anything aside from treats for themselves. Especially if I assured the parents that theres cheap things nearby and there isn't. It's like inviting someone to stay at your house for the weekend and getting them to bring their own meals.

Also, I'd expect my children to tell me if their friend is struggling to pay for things and couldn't afford food or an activity and I'd happily pay because I'd have invited them, they shouldn't have invited him if they weren't willing to put him up imo

EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2019 12:44

But again I should have checked
Please don't feel bad only for your DS, you asked all the relevant questions, gave all the money you could afford, they are CFs.

taytosandwich · 04/09/2019 12:46

Yes I agree they should be buying his dinners. Maybe not his lunches. He could put his hand in his own pocket too at 18 years old. Either way the last person who should be paying for his meals is you.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2019 12:47

Ya all bu imo

They shouldn't have invited a young person just our of school and then not been offering to cover the basics ie food
Presumably the boys know each other well enough to have an idea of comparative wealth so having got there and decided to eat in every night, they should have offered to cover the costs of the food
Sitting there eating expensive meals what one of the group goes hungry becaise of the cost is rude.

You abd DS should have had a reasonable thought about costs. If you were gi ING his basically some pocket money and expecting him to cover the other costs himself, that should have been clear to him so he could decide if he was willing to pay it.
He should have been more upfront with his mate over only having X amount a day
Wanting to come home halfway through a holiday someone else has paid for is rude unless theirs a major issue

CatteStreet · 04/09/2019 12:47

I'm horrified that they are letting their guest (for that is what he is, and he's clearly not being a CF) go hungry.

Tbh, if this were me, I would find a way to get him home if I could, thank the family formally and politely for taking him along, and never have anything to do with the family again (if I could help it - not sure how the friendship with your ds will be after this).

Money clearly cannot buy manners and grace.

moobar · 04/09/2019 12:47

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad you sound lovely and remind me of how my mum raised us, or my parents raised us. In it together.

Durgasarrow · 04/09/2019 12:49

Italy has wonderful bread, cheese, and sausages that don't require refrigeration, so he can always make sandwiches. It is time for picnicking!

RosaWaiting · 04/09/2019 12:50

OP "We discussed food and said at the time that DS would use his money for meals in the cheap pubs nearby. They said there wouldn’t be any fancy restaurant outright"

that's outrageous really. I know people who are quite well off who would no way spend £45 on a sandwich. I must be honest, I don't really understand the steak rationale - in the circumstances, I'd get the cheapest thing on the menu - but it does seem he's been put in a tough spot by people who have no idea what normal life is like for most people money wise.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 04/09/2019 12:51

Thank you moobar good to hear of other families with the same values as ours.

Boysey45 · 04/09/2019 12:52

He should be buying his own food not squirrelling it away for university..
I've starved on a holiday before in Barbados and would realize that £120 for food for a week was nothing.
OP if he/you couldn't afford it then he shouldn't have gone. You cant expect another family to stump up for your child.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 12:53

I must be honest, I don't really understand the steak rationale

I'm confused about why he chose to order steak too? Surely the menu had more choices than just one sandwich for 45 euros and a 70 euro steak?

sarahelizabeth99 · 04/09/2019 12:53

YANBU. I did a few backpacking holidays in Europe around that age when I had no money and had just saved up from part time job and student loan. €20 a day would be enough for food. Loads of folk I’ve met in hostels do the same - fill up on the hotel breakfast and then you don’t need lunch, then €20 is enough for a cheap dinner (chips, kebab, pizza, salad etc) and a drink or 2. Wouldn’t be enough for activities though. Shame that the town is so far away - is there not a bus to get there?

BrendasUmbrella · 04/09/2019 12:54

You cant expect another family to stump up for your child.

You really can... If you can't afford to take care of a teen you invite away as company for your child, don't invite them. Letting an invited guest go hungry while they eat is horrific bad manners.

Whitejasmine · 04/09/2019 12:54

Just to clarify, did your son order the 70 euro steak knowing he had to pay himself? If so, how silly.
I cannot believe there is nothing but 70 euro steaks and 45 euro sandwiches on the menu. Surely they have chicken or something?
Or did he order it assuming the family would pay? If so, this was a bit cheeky. I would always order something cheaper from the menu if someone else was paying. However for them to hand over the money for their own meals and let your 18yo settle his own bill is frankly a bit unbelievable.
So they handed over their card or whatever and then said “OP’s son, you need to pay for yours separately?”
I am struggling to understand the dynamics of the situation.

DarlingNikita · 04/09/2019 12:54

Laurie, perhaps not the specific amounts needed/the OP could afford.

But do you know what? Your nitpicking is irrelevant. Here's the essential truth, beautifully put by Brendas:

"Afford to feed yourself or starve" is not an invitation offered by civilized people, whatever the budget.

ShippingNews · 04/09/2019 12:55

He also won’t waste his own savings on the hotel food as he has saved it for uni

He shouldn't have accepted an invitation to go to Italy then. A little research would have shown him / you where the town is in relation to the hotel, and it would have shown the sort of prices he'd be paying at the hotel as well.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2019 12:56

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad You are amazing Flowers
Although you should never offer money over the internet, it is great to know there is generous people who care for strangers in the world.
OP take your Dsis up on the offer.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2019 12:57

I was going to add that the family chose the resturants they wanted to eat in, with E70 steaks, without reference to whether your son could afford to eat there or not.

LimitIsUp · 04/09/2019 12:58

HeadsDown,

Come on now. If the menu has steak for 75 euros and a sandwich for 45 euros its a high end restaurant. They are not going to cost those items at that level whilst simultaneously offering an omelette for 15 euros. Everything on the menu, without exception, will be highly priced

ElizaDee · 04/09/2019 12:59

I don't think YABU either OP. Offering people with less money than you a 'free' holiday is not always the favour it seems. If they misinformed you, they should be helping your DS out, either with a trip to the supermarket or a few meals here & there. What did they expect to happen? Did they expect to eat in the restaurant every meal and leave your son to go off on his own? Or eat in the hotel and wait for them to get back, like a pauper Shock

yearinyearout Wed 04-Sep-19 11:17:04
I don't think yabu. It was up to them to give you enough details about the holiday so you could make an informed decision. Also, if I had taken one of my DC's friends away and I could see they were struggling to afford to eat, I would do something about it to help! Selfish buggers.

If I took a child's friend away on holiday I'd expect to feed them and treat them (pay) exactly the same way as I'd treat my child.

EssentialHummus · 04/09/2019 13:00

DS even got told he needs to eat more and he did say he couldn’t afford it.

I can’t believe that someone would hear another person (of any age) say that and not recalibrate their choices a bit. The parents here sound unpleasant imo. And I actually agree with him about saving for uni instead of expensive meals.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/09/2019 13:01

It is ok if £20 a week was lots when backpacking, if the family you are away with are sitting in a restaurant whist your on the pavement with a bread roll it is not very good for the soul.
They should all eat cheaply to accommodate the guests budget, these people are wealthy, wealthy users.

JudgeJudyismyinspiration · 04/09/2019 13:01

I would send some more money to tide him over, and lesson learnt. He shouldn’t be accepting invitations unless he can afford to eat whilst he is there. However if he were my guest I would definitely be organising and paying for all meals, but not everyone is the same.

EssentialHummus · 04/09/2019 13:01

If I took a child's friend away on holiday I'd expect to feed them and treat them (pay) exactly the same way as I'd treat my child.

Me too. Otherwise don’t extend the invitation.

Aprillygirl · 04/09/2019 13:02

This is a bit of a weird one. The way I'm reading it the parents have paid for your DS's flights, activities and accommodation (albeit room is shared so added little, if anything, to overall cost), so they can hardly be accused of being tight. Yet they are willing to have your DS eat pot noodles while they eat at expensive restaurants? I find this strange. and am wondering if they are being less than generous when it comes to food because they feel that your DS is taking the piss in some way. Are they seeing him squandering the little he does have on cans of coke from room service at a tenner a pop? Or maybe they're pissed off because they bought your DS along in the hope that he and their DS would piss off into town in the evenings giving them a bit of alone time, and instead are lumbered with 2 teens coming along to their fancy restaurants with them because they are too lazy to walk into town?

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