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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more consideration because we are not rich

727 replies

Bluebelle1012 · 04/09/2019 11:04

DS 18 got taken to Italy by his friends family. We sent him with some money for food, parents said local town had loads of cheap bars, could buy food in town, shops, etc...

However, the town is actually an hours walk down a long hill. Room service ranges anywhere between 40-100 Euro. A Diet Coke is 10.

Breakfast is included, but all other food has to be paid for. DS rang me last night saying he wants to come home because he is ordering extra at breakfast to last as he can not afford lunch or dinner from the hotel. They haven’t been to town yet as the parents have booked activities every day

I have no money to give him as I’m broke! He’s going to town (walking) today when he finally has the free time to buy some pot noodles and stuff for the rest of the holiday.

AIBU to think that if a very, very wealthy family take a normal- lower/ middle class teenager to a hotel where it can easily cost £600 to feed yourself for the week should bear this in mind?

The mother made a barbed comment about when she went on holiday with friends it was reasonable to pay for yourself as “theyve already done a favour by inviting you.” Normally I’d agree, but surely they must recognise that there is NO way he can afford to eat every meal here? I just expected more consideration, even offering a chance to go into town would have done

It’s only a short holiday and he will manage on pot noodles.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 05/09/2019 02:22

I still think @LimitIsUp that you, a wealthy woman accepting $200 from a hard up family makes you no more generous than the family in question here who you accuse of being tight.

SerenaOverjoyed · 05/09/2019 02:38

£20 a day isn't that bad Italy isn't cheap but this should buy a pizza slice for lunch, an ice cream, and a basic pasta dinner at a cheap bar or local restaurant.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 05/09/2019 03:40

You/he lost me at claiming a sandwich costs €45. Obvious bollocks.

greentheme23 · 05/09/2019 04:34

My experience is cheap to one family isn't cheap to another. My DD has a school friend who's parents always wanted DD to go on holiday with them but I resisted as she thought a cheap pair of jeans were £60 and they loved to dine out. I couldn't afford £500 spending money so I graciously declined.

transformandriseup · 05/09/2019 04:44

The OP’s son probably thought once they all got there, him and and his friend would walk into town and stock up on food for the week plus find a few pubs/bars where food is cheap. The hosts son may have had second thoughts about this once he was there and has wanted to eat with his parents, thus leaving the OPs son in an awkward position. I wouldn't have wanted to eat alone in a foreign country at 18 and I wouldn’t have had the confidence to tell the parents I didn’t have the money for an expensive meal.

Despite their generosity, I think the host family is at fault here. They didn’t have to pay for meals but could have given the boys the option to go into town to eat before they went out. If their son then wanted to eat with them they should have paid for them both or told him that it was agreed he and OPs son were to eat separately.

Vanhi · 05/09/2019 06:43

you, a wealthy woman accepting $200 from a hard up family makes you no more generous than the family in question here who you accuse of being tight.

A really hard up family wouldn't have had £200 at all. The less well-off family in that scenario may well have wanted to contribute, as a matter of pride and self respect, and turning it down might have been rude.

EleanorReally · 05/09/2019 06:52

he will just have to dig into his savings, problem solved

BeanBag7 · 05/09/2019 08:23

There are several things I find hard to believe

  1. Nobody looked up the hotel to see how much the food there would be, how far it is from town, what was actually available in town and the prices (rather than just going "oh yeah there are cheap places" - cheap being obviously subjective)
  1. A sandwich costing €45
  1. Such a fancy hotel being an hour away from ANY amenities (not even a corner shop?) and not providing some sort of transport service to the nearby town.

I also think that perhaps the parents were planning to pay for the meal the first night, until the teenager ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.

IrmaFayLear · 05/09/2019 08:48

If the host parents aren't paying for meals taken en famille, then that is rude. But on what planet does a guest order a steak when eating out - you wouldn't do it in the local pub, let alone a 5* hotel restaurant. My ds is the same age and I know he wouldn't dream of doing this.

As others have noted, there are a few things that don't add up. A hotel one hour from a village? Whereabouts is that? And any high-end hotel offers transport or would call a taxi.

And I still can't see the relevance of the OP mentioning her borrowing money to pay for the ds. The ds may be 18, but he has his own money and is clearly not on his uppers if he owns, taxes and insures a car. My goodness, own insurance for an 18-year-old is £££££££££ !!!!

wizzywig · 05/09/2019 09:01

Im guessing that friendship is over. I think its meanspirited not to pay when someone says they cant afford to eat

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 09:16

What's mean spirited is a parent calling you up and offering to take your child on holiday. You offering to pay for flights and them saying no, but they could pay for their lunch and dinner and drinks, we will pay the rest, no contribution necessary and then sending your kid on the holiday and whinging your skint so they should pay for their meals too.

And three does cost way more than four, we have one child, we get a family room and share. Moving to two rooms is more expensive. But more than that, you don't get thr fourth person for free when you book two rooms, I'm shocked people are suggesting that. On holidays abroad you generally pay for how many people as well as how many rooms.

So there is a very high chance this family have spent several hundred pounds on this kid already,

Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2019 09:18

Different people have different expectations, the family assured the boy and his mother that there were cheap food options available, because they had indicated that they couldn't afford expensive meals, and would have to refuse the invitation due to cost. The boy went with his budget, it now seems they either made a mistake or misled the OP so that her boy (maybe) would keep their DS company, (it does happen) I think the family should 100% help out the OP's son.

When 11 DS was invited by his aunt and uncle to spend time with them in their holiday home. I gave him some money and told him to make sure he bought everyone some ice cream and some drinks, and maybe a treat for his cousins.
When I went to collect him, I was essentially given a bill, they took them mackerel fishing, they ate out a few evenings, they did some activity or other;l they charged my £80 for 4 days. I was fuming, and vowed I would never do that to another person, if I extend an invite, I do it in the full knowledge that I will pay for virtually everything; especially if it's something the invitee has technically no say in.

LaurieMarlow · 05/09/2019 09:22

Im guessing that friendship is over. I think its meanspirited not to pay when someone says they cant afford to eat

The OP didn’t like the mother in the first place. Which makes you wonder why she’d accept her generous offer of a holiday for DS.

Henrysnoopy · 05/09/2019 09:58

This is one of those threads where I hope the family sees this I think ops and her son have behaved appalling after their generosity.

AccioCats · 05/09/2019 10:23

‘The OP didn’t like the mother in the first place. Which makes you wonder why she’d accept her generous offer of a holiday for DS.’

This .

Plus the fact the son, at 18, is well off enough to own and run a car and has some savings! Christ, my kids could no way have afforded that at 18 despite all working in weekend and holiday jobs since age 16.

Clearly they jumped at the chance of a holiday with travel and accommodation paid for and are now whining because the son has to walk into town and pay for his own meals and drinks. Unbelievable.

Aprillygirl · 05/09/2019 10:24

A really hard up family wouldn't have had £200 at all. The less well-off family in that scenario may well have wanted to contribute, as a matter of pride and self respect, and turning it down might have been rude.

They could have borrowed the money, or sold something in order to grab the chance of their DC having a holiday abroad cheaply (as a hard up single mum I've done this). And I'm not saying @LimitIsUp was wrong to accept the money at all, just that she is wrong to call these hosts tight and inconsiderate when OP didn't offer them anything at all.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2019 10:28

@Bluntness100 great post, no good deed goes unpunished eh?

Clappingforjoy · 05/09/2019 10:58

Changing the subject slightly but I think it's awful how suddenly at 18 parents expect their DC to take whole responsibility for everything once they reach 18 I think they still need a fair amount of support at this age.

Clappingforjoy · 05/09/2019 11:00

Anyway common sense tells you not to listen to everything the host says and take responsibility by sending them with enough money.
You should trust your own instincts.
18 or not I would hate mine to be in this situation

AccioCats · 05/09/2019 11:06

To the posters who are saying how rude and unacceptable it is that the parents aren’t inviting the OP’s son to join them in the expensive restaurants and pay for his meals and drinks..... this was never the plan. The OP discussed meals beforehand and the family made it clear they had paid for flights and hotel but expected the 18 yr old to pay his way for food and drinks. If the OP and ds felt that wasn’t a good enough deal for his holiday, the time to say that was beforehand. He should have politely declined the invitation. Not gone on the holiday and then complained. The OP also wrote:

“If the town had been nearby as they said, then there would be no issue.”

An hour’s walk is no issue whatsoever for an 18 year old. So it is a non issue. Lots of 18 year olds walk an hour for school/ college/ uni, and indeed those who aren’t in the lucky position of having a car like the OPs son, will often walk to see friends, into their local town etc. It’s certainly no big deal to do it for one week while on holiday. As he’s busy with (paid for) activities during the day, a walk down into town to get a cheaper meal seems a nice thing to do anyway, means he’s getting out and seeing more of the real Italy not just the luxury hotel.

The OP and her ds sound so entitled. I wonder whether he’s become so used to driving himself around that an hour’s walk each way seems a massive problem to him. Jeez that’s awful for an 18 year old. Neither does he want to dip into his savings, but is happy for other people to dip into their pockets for him.
Unbelievable

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/09/2019 11:26

I think you're son shot himself in the foot on that first day when he ordered the €70 steak. If he had ordered a modest choice the family might have realised that he didn't have the money to spend on 5 hotel restaurants. Instead, they probably think he has the money or indeed, they're worried about their food bill, if your son was to order the most expensive thing on the menu for lunch and dinner if they footed the bill each day.*

I think this too. I would very much like to hear this story from the friend's parents' POV

Leapyearlover · 05/09/2019 12:57

An hour’s walk is no issue whatsoever for an 18 year old
Not necessarily true. If it's an hour each way, 40 degree heat, no shade, no pavements it would be extremely difficult and risky.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/09/2019 13:13

@Leapyearlover it's no where near 40 degree heat it Italy right now, mid to high 20's

AccioCats · 05/09/2019 13:24

An hour’s walk is no issue whatsoever for an 18 year old
‘Not necessarily true. If it's an hour each way, 40 degree heat, no shade, no pavements it would be extremely difficult and risky.’

I don’t even know where to begin with this!! (aside from the fact it’s not 40 degrees and by the evening will probably be very pleasant!)

He’s an adult. A young adult. If he can’t walk an hour each way because it’s too far/ too risky how the fuck will be cope living in London? He’s unlikely to be taking his car to London (unless he’s well off enough to afford the congestion charge, parking ...) so like most other 18 year old students living there he’ll have to get used to walking.

Honestly it defies belief how molly coddled some young adults are.

Anyway he can always use some of his savings on a taxi if it’s that big a deal!

Leapyearlover · 05/09/2019 13:27

Even at 30 degrees it is unpleasant and it has been hotter recently. And how does that help with lack of pavements? Have you actually been to Italy? My point is you have no idea what the actual circumstances are. I would not expect my teenager to walk for an hour to get some lunch every day. It's meant to be a holiday not a survival exercise!

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